AIBU to not want to spend this time with his children?

[DontWantToThanks]

My husband has mentioned a couple of times asking someone to look after our baby (10 months) one weekend afternoon and night when we have his older children with us so we can spend some time with them without baby, take them out somewhere or something.

AIBU to say no? Honestly as mean as it probably sounds I have no desire to have someone take DS just so I can go out with DSC.

He absolutely can take them out anywhere he likes but I don't want to send my son away just so I can go along too.

He doesn't see the problem (we have asked people to have DS a few times overnight before but that was when we were completely childfree), I don't see the point if we have the children with us anyway, I'd rather DS was with me.

how would you want a theoretical future stepmum to behave towards your DS?

I'm confused by these types of questions.

The most important thing to me as the mother of a child with a step mum would be that their Dad still made time to take them out 1:1 and that he made them feel special and still important. I actually couldn't give one hoot whether their stepmum got a babysitter for her baby so she could be there or not.

In what way is this treatment that you wouldn't like for your child? The stepchildren are getting quality time with their Dad, why would you care if their stepmother didn't particularly want to go too and why do you feel that would be equal to poor treatment of your child?

I wouldn’t want a weekend away, but I don’t see any problem upon getting a babysitting so you can go out bowling or for a meal etc. furring an evening.

I’m slightly puzzled as to why it was okay to have a babysitter before, but unreasonable now.

Quite often, stepmoms on mn complain that they are excluded from step-children, but your dh is actively trying to involve you.

If it was once every so often, than that would be fine. Weekly, not so good.

@candlelightsatdawn

Ok but in ops case he spends plenty of one on one time with his kids but has requested a one off occasion. Whether by request of the SCs, or just generally wanting his wife to spend time doing more mature children activities, I see this to be completely reasonable

The only reason I'd ever actively want time away from my DD, would be to have child free time. If I was happy to be around children, I would obviously want to be around her. exactly. I don't know why this comes as a shock to people. And tbh DSC couldn't care less if I came along with their dad or not. We all know our places and are happy with it. There's no angst or drama. Just no faking relationships that aren't there. We all do things together or DH does them with DSC.

I certainly can’t see any harm in you going to do stuff with just the step kids now and then. It shows them they are cared for sufficiently to sometimes be the priority.

I know you don’t want this now because you’d rather be with your own baby…but I think it would be a worthwhile investments in future relations to sacrifice the odd occasion like this.

Think you’re being a bit blinkered and selfish to be honest.

I’m slightly puzzled as to why it was okay to have a babysitter before, but unreasonable now.

What's puzzling about it? It's not that it would be unreasonable, it's that she wanted a babysitter for child free time, but isn't fussed about just her child free time, but still parenting and doing activities she has no interest in for the sake of kids. What's not to get?

[quote dorris88]@candlelightsatdawn

Ok but in ops case he spends plenty of one on one time with his kids but has requested a one off occasion. Whether by request of the SCs, or just generally wanting his wife to spend time doing more mature children activities, I see this to be completely reasonable [/quote]
He hasn't even said what the activity is. Just I want you to ditch your child for mine.

@pictish

I certainly can’t see any harm in you going to do stuff with just the step kids now and then. It shows them they are cared for sufficiently to sometimes be the priority.

I know you don’t want this now because you’d rather be with your own baby…but I think it would be a worthwhile investments in future relations to sacrifice the odd occasion like this.

Think you’re being a bit blinkered and selfish to be honest.

They aren't OP's priority and they never have to be.

I’m slightly puzzled as to why it was okay to have a babysitter before, but unreasonable now

The difference for me is that the times he's been away before we've been childfree, we've been able to use that time to do things for ourselves and not be "parents" constantly. To be fair I've mainly used it to soak in the bath or sleep because those things don't happen as often these days ha.

The idea of using that time to just go out and do children's activities anyway and still not get any time to myself is not how I'd choose to spend it. And I would feel unable to ask it again of family any time soon. Hence the feeling of it being a 'waste'.

Quite often, stepmoms on mn complain that they are excluded from step-children, but your dh is actively trying to involve you. stepmums aren't one homogeneous group.

Fair enough. Take that tack. I’d be wanting to create a loving environment for all of them that takes their individual needs into account.

Whether by request of the SCs, or just generally wanting his wife to spend time doing more mature children activities, I see this to be completely reasonable

If she's not interested in doing it then it's obviously not completely reasonable, is it, it's undue pressure. It's not at the request of the SCs. She shouldn't have to do something she doesn't really want to for the flimsy reason that he "wants his wife to spend time doing more mature children activities".

@pictish

Fair enough. Take that tack. I’d be wanting to create a loving environment for all of them that takes their individual needs into account.

DSC hasn't even expressed this need. They might not care.

I’d still take that approach regardless. I wouldn’t need to be asked.

Even if its the opposite of what they need? They might need time without OP to just be with their dad doing mature child activities.

@aSofaNearYou

I agree, time away from my DD I spend on much needed me time.

However being a step parent also requires and element of selflessness.

If my DSD asked me to take her cinema and lunch I wouldn't see that as her dragging my away from my DD - I see it as an activity that I will naturally enjoy more with my own DD when she's older, but I go with her to make her happy and in my case, I enjoy it too.

If the sc don't want you there then fuck it I wouldn't bother entertaining, but If they do that sucks for them.

The emphasis on 'husbands kids' is because at the start, all of us would have been welcoming, thoughtful and enjoying (or pretending to) days out with their kids to seal the deal with the guy. I know I did because my husband was too perfect to let my step mum fears block that.
However I can't now decide they aren't important cos I have my own. It's like false advertisement

They’re not mutually exclusive.

You can do both.

@dorris88 it comes back to actually as a mum. I feel that my SD feelings trump DH needs to play happy families.

I actually think it be good for him to spend Quality time with his children just him and then , I think that's important

This board is a strange place. Almost everywhere else posters are told that pressuring the when they say no is wrong.

The emphasis on 'husbands kids' is because at the start, all of us would have been welcoming, thoughtful and enjoying (or pretending to) days out with their kids to seal the deal with the guy. I'm welcoming and thoughtful but have never pretended to enjoy a day out. We get along just fine.

@pictish

Fair enough. Take that tack. I’d be wanting to create a loving environment for all of them that takes their individual needs into account.

It depends what you think of as a need I guess.

To me, the far greater need is that the children are afforded time alone with their Dad, which they are.

It's often drummed in by many posters on here how important 1:1 time with their biological parent is for step children.

I think that's far more important (and probably far more welcomed by the children in most cases).

People don't like the idea that someone wouldn't actually want to spend time with children. In reality the main thing for me would be that these kids are getting a good amount of quality time with their father. That's likely what they prefer and what they need more of anyway so providing no one's literally saying to their face 'I don't want to spend time with you', I don't see the issue.

If the DH were being told he couldn't do anything with his DC without his wife and their baby, that would be an issue.

He hasn't even said what the activity is. Just I want you to ditch your child for mine.
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I just can't deal 😅 I'm out of here.

Why can’t it be some outings just dad…and the odd outing with OP and dad?

It doesn’t have to be one or the the other. Both are fine. They’re not mutually exclusive. All ideas are good.

@pictish

Why can’t it be some outings just dad…and the odd outing with OP and dad?

It doesn’t have to be one or the the other. Both are fine. They’re not mutually exclusive. All ideas are good.

Because OP doesn't want to