AIBU to not want to spend this time with his children?

[DontWantToThanks]

My husband has mentioned a couple of times asking someone to look after our baby (10 months) one weekend afternoon and night when we have his older children with us so we can spend some time with them without baby, take them out somewhere or something.

AIBU to say no? Honestly as mean as it probably sounds I have no desire to have someone take DS just so I can go out with DSC.

He absolutely can take them out anywhere he likes but I don't want to send my son away just so I can go along too.

He doesn't see the problem (we have asked people to have DS a few times overnight before but that was when we were completely childfree), I don't see the point if we have the children with us anyway, I'd rather DS was with me.

DHs point that there's things we can't all do together now with a baby as well

Is there something specific he wants to do? I don't think you can veto the idea completely without understanding what he would like to do.

But sad in a way that if I ever break up with my ex I know my children's new step mum will like them but she won't love them. She won't do what's best for them, she'll do what's best for her child

And if you became a step mum Laurengame?

Most stepparents try to do what's best for the family they are in. It's outsiders that that exaggerate things. Wanting to spend time with her own child while the father takes his other children out is a none issue. It's other adults making it an issue. Stop being dramatic.

I always thought if I became a stepmum then it's sort of a given that I have to love his kids like they're mine. Maybe that's why I avoided men with kids.

Ok if you marry a man who is not your kids' real dad, and you have a baby, do you expect him to treat all kids equally? How would you feel if he said @Youseethethingis words:

'To be honest IDGAF if it would screw the DSC up or not. It would screw my own child up if he was second peg to me and that's my priority.'

?

Ok if you marry a man who is not your kids' real dad, and you have a baby, do you expect him to treat all kids equally? I would expect him to treat them fairly according to their needs at the time. I would not expect him to love kids that are not his as his own. There is no need to fake relationships that just aren't there. I would expect him to understand that my responsibility is to all my children and not just the shared one with his. I would also understand that my kids are not his priority, that is my job.

How would you feel if he said @Youseethethingis* words:

'To be honest IDGAF if it would screw the DSC up or not. It would screw my own child up if he was second peg to me and that's my priority* personally I would feel like he could tone down the language a bit but I would fully understand the sentiment. Every child deserves to be special to their own parents.

And most importantly for this thread I wouldn't expect him to give up time with our shared child for my children. And nor would I ever want this.

The kids are being treated equally. They would spend time with their parents.

What about what the kids want? I had no issuing spending time with my DD while she was a baby and DH taking his kids out because they enjoyed it.

I'm a step parent, step sister and stepdaughter. I would be comfortable with my DD having a stepmother because I know that most will try their best and its outsiders who don't have a clue that make judgments.

It's not given at all, and it's the unrealistic expectations that cause the problems behind half the threads on this board.
Do you think in any other context I would say IDGAF about my DSC other than in response to this ridiculous idea that it is sad to that my own children are above and beyond any others?
In that context, it true, IDGAF, my children are my children and that's never going to change on anyone elses account and certainly not because someone said it was "a given" or "sad" if I didn't.
I do actually care for my step child very much and have gone to great efforts with our relationship and the relationship with her mother. But if anyone thinks I'll be dropping my children a peg or two in case they get to thinking they are special to me, they are very very wrong.

I always thought if I became a stepmum then it's sort of a given that I have to love his kids like they're mine

I don't think I could ever love another person like I do my DD. It doesn't therefore mean I do not love other people. Besides, love is subjective and just because you don't love someone doesn't mean you dont care for them and would try to do what's best for them. My wonderful friend who fosters doesn't necessarily love her foster kids, but she is a wonderful caring adult in their lives and is someone they need.

@OatALot interesting. I would like to foster in my 50s maybe; I haven't thought about the love I will have for the foster kids and for my own. Maybe it would be better to foster when my own kids have flown the nest, that way the love difference (between my kids and fostered) is not obvious

I understand. I don't want to do stuff with my sc either.

Aside from the 'issue' (which is easily solved by treating dsc as a part of a family who has a young baby so they all muddle along together), the real problem is that you can't just say,'no' and that be the end of it.

He is onto his second family - what has changed since his first marriage broke down?

@laurenGame

I don't have experience of blended families but it's quite sad from reading rbis. It's quite obvious you are not interested in his children as much as your own, I guess that's natural and normal, and that's life.

But sad in a way that if I ever break up with my ex I know my children's new step mum will like them but she won't love them. She won't do what's best for them, she'll do what's best for her child.

And knowing that kids will spend up to 50% time at the other house, and whatever they get at that house is not in their best interests but in the interests of the new baby there, well that's just

You seriously think it's sad that someone wouldn't prioritise your children above their own?

Why would anyone in their right mind expect anyone to do that?

With that mindset you definitely need to ensure you don't seperate from your children's dad.

Do you think in any other context I would say IDGAF about my DSC other than in response to this ridiculous idea that it is sad to that my own children are above and beyond any others? exactly it's not like you're saying you don't GAF about them generally.

I have kids with an age gap - all mine and DH's. I would'nt send an older or a younger away to do an activity. We are a family. We have done loads of things over the years (theme parks, cinema, panic rooms, theatre, hiking) there is very little you can't do really. Sometimes it take more planning (Disney parent swap) or you have to take turns but most things are set up for families. The only restrictions would be age based movies - then one of us would take the other along.

If this is a one off for a very special activity I would maybe do it but then I would do something special with the other DC to compensate. I wouldn't do it routinely though, for me family is about inclusion.

I think you should think about this as doing something forur DH rather than your DSC. It's obviously important to him that you join him on a day out with his kids, so I think it would be nice if you did some kind of compromise- for example, if he wanted you to come once a month you could come alternate months, or once ever few months, etc. Then the other times you could stay home with your DC while he takes his DC on his own.

I think you should think about this as doing something forur DH rather than your DSC. It's obviously important to him that you join him on a day out with his kids he can go on a day out with all his kids then. Not ditch the smallest one

I always thought if I became a stepmum then it's sort of a given that I have to love his kids like they're mine. Maybe that's why I avoided men with kids.

I think this is quite an old fashioned mentality that is really quite out of step with modern society, and the fact that it hasn't properly died out yet is creating a bit of a culture war.

There was a time when seperated parents were not that common, so dating one would naturally seem like a big undertaking. You'd possibly even be more likely to encounter a widowed parent, with children that therefore have more obvious trauma to work through. These days, seperated parents are very common and very much a normalised part of the fabric of society. This filters down into everybody's psyche, so the people considering dating a parent won't consider it a massive deal, and crucially the seperated parents themselves won't think it's a massive deal, and won't always think through their decision to seek out new relationships, and the potential pitfalls. They'd be more likely to just walk into a new relationship, because why wouldn't they, and then blame their partner when the problems they didn't think about transpire.

Society no longer gives out a strong message that dating someone with kids is a huge deal that only very few people with very specific dispositions, would want to do. So you're less likely to get a Maria Von Trapp figure, who has made being a step parent their life's focus, in every instance.

Equally, the children themselves should be aware that seperated parents are common, and modern families come in all different shapes and sizes with different relationships within, rather than just expecting to have a dad and a "new mum". That is the way of the world now, people often have children and do not stay together. All those factors combined means it's not as often going to be viewed as necessary to fabricate that nuclear dynamic. Every now and then you get one party that still clings to that old reality, and they struggle to cope with the changing of tides. But it rarely helps anything or anyone, it only causes unnecessary conflict.

@aSofaNearYou I see. It's clearly a lot more complicated than I have it in my head. Who are the winners then of these blended families ..? 😐

(It's 'separated')

[quote laurenGame]@aSofaNearYou I see. It's clearly a lot more complicated than I have it in my head. Who are the winners then of these blended families ..? 😐

(It's 'separated') [/quote]
Was that last part really necessary? It makes you look very smug and like you're searching for ways to show people up.

In terms of who the winners are - often nobody when one person is stuck rigidly in the outdated concept of what blended families are. See dads who pressure their partners into seeing their kids as their own and guilt them when they don't, mums who flip their lid about new step mums not centering their lives around the kids/their ex's getting into nee relationships in the first place, and situations where either parent makes those expectations and criticisms clear to the kids.

But there would be a lot more winners if people stopped believing so strongly that having seperated parents automatically makes you the loser and filling the situation with angst.

[quote laurenGame]@aSofaNearYou I see. It's clearly a lot more complicated than I have it in my head. Who are the winners then of these blended families ..? 😐

(It's 'separated') [/quote]
I don't think that any type of families have winners or losers even in a typical 2.4 family. There is certainly more pressure on the second family for make up for the first family failing. Which is bonkers because the pressure is put on the step parent to fix what was already broken. Many many step parents try because they can see it's detrimental to the children and they are blamed, guilted and shamed for their efforts.

Say the second family didn't exist for sake of argument. The damage from the first family breaking up still exists. Usually the kids bare the weight of parents who didn't effectively parent together, so parent poorly apart. There's no winners there either.

I'm not sure how people can blame a external person for problems and disfunction that was already there way before they came on to the scene. The responsibility to fix these problems lies exclusively with the parents who created them

Say the first family stays together for the sake of the kids. This also creates no winners.

I say this as someone who grew up in a blended family, a mum and a step mum.

None is ideal and the more you clings to this idea of perfect family the more damage you are likely to inflict.

I always thought if I became a stepmum then it's sort of a given that I have to love his kids like they're mine

This is where people who haven’t been stepmums have a really unrealistic view and are so clueless.

I bet if I was never a stepmum I would have thought the same as you. My ex’s ex wife has never been a stepmum so she thought the same as you when she viewed my role as stepmum.
Until you’ve been there you just don’t know how complex it is.

[quote laurenGame]@aSofaNearYou I see. It's clearly a lot more complicated than I have it in my head. Who are the winners then of these blended families ..? 😐

(It's 'separated') [/quote]
You're showing a mindset that indicates you believe all blended families are losers. It's simple not true but yet that type of thinking spews out into society and causes issues.

Regardless, dysfunction exists way before a blended family is created. It exists in the nuclear family.

@funinthesun19 'Until you’ve been there you just don’t know how complex it is.'

Exactly - I just don't know hence was interested in this topic. My stepfather didn't have children before me and I have no children of my own so I've no experience yet in blended families.

@laurenGame I will say the rules are very different for step dads vs step mums, same actually as the parameters are for mums and dads. It's the norm for mums to expect to take on the majority of the child rearing, house work and also work full time. Mum takes kids on school run, that's what mums do, dad takes kids on school run. Dad of the year. The double standards are clear enough when you look out for it.
When you have children you may get what I mean, you may think you like your partner but wait until you have a baby together, that's the true test of any relationship. The gender norms are entrenched in us.

Step mums have to step into the "mum" role by anything other than name, not upset anyone by boundary crossing, and usually because Disney dads find it harder to parent alone so seek help in form of second wife and put the parenting at step mums door with a lump of guilt . As a step mum specifically you do all the hard work that comes with child rearing, with none of the nice stuff (taken from a recent post on here, you can't expect a SC to say hello/goodbye to you when coming over), with no control over your own life tied by two people who haven't been able to come parent healthy.

It very much depends on your partner, and often you won't know until your in the middle of it and like wtf.

Stepdads often don't have the mental load that step mums and mums have to carry just by nature of their gender. Parent shaming usually bares more pressure on females to be perfect "mum or step mum".

Not to say stepdads don't have it hard (I gave mine a right fun old time) but having male friends who are stepdads, their stepdad life and dad life are very much similar. Step mums and mums have very different pressures put on but still collectively more than dads in my view.