AIBU to not want to spend this time with his children?

[DontWantToThanks]

My husband has mentioned a couple of times asking someone to look after our baby (10 months) one weekend afternoon and night when we have his older children with us so we can spend some time with them without baby, take them out somewhere or something.

AIBU to say no? Honestly as mean as it probably sounds I have no desire to have someone take DS just so I can go out with DSC.

He absolutely can take them out anywhere he likes but I don't want to send my son away just so I can go along too.

He doesn't see the problem (we have asked people to have DS a few times overnight before but that was when we were completely childfree), I don't see the point if we have the children with us anyway, I'd rather DS was with me.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro it's not bizarre though is it. If my older children wanted a paintball party, I wouldn't take the little ones. It's not suitable. Even if it was DSDs birthday. I'd still go because I'd want her to feel like I cared. There aren't many activities that are suitable for teens and a baby. It's not every weekends, it's occasionally. Every weekend would be too much obviously.

[quote kateg27]@Getyourarseofffthequattro if the activity isn't suitable for a baby then yes. You wouldn't expect a teenager to go to soft play for the baby would you, they'd go elsewhere so the baby could still have that experience.[/quote]
Sorry Kate, agree with @Getyourarseofffthequattro here.

Not really relevant for a teen as they'd presumably stay home alone, but I wouldn't get someone to babysit, for instance, an 8yo while I took a baby to softplay. I'd wait until the 8yo wasn't around or for a time when the other parent could have them.

[quote kateg27]@Getyourarseofffthequattro it's not bizarre though is it. If my older children wanted a paintball party, I wouldn't take the little ones. It's not suitable. Even if it was DSDs birthday. I'd still go because I'd want her to feel like I cared. There aren't many activities that are suitable for teens and a baby. It's not every weekends, it's occasionally. Every weekend would be too much obviously. [/quote]
Of course you wouldn't, maybe you'd take the older ones and the little ones would stay with their other parent. Why would both parents go with the older kids and send the younger ones to a sitter or family member?

If it was a birthday I'd expect all the kids to go tbh. Nobody is saying do activities all together every weekend, they're saying op doesn't need to be there and can therefore look after her own child.

Why do you think she should ditch her own child to spend times with the step kids?

@Getyourarseofffthequattro no they wouldn't stay with the other parent. Both parents want to attend birthdays surely. The little ones would be happier with grandparents and we'd be able to focus on the birthday properly.
You're saying all children should be at a birthday party. So shall I tell my 14 year old she can't have a paint balling party because it's not suitable for the little ones? What do you suggest? A bouncy castle 🙄

[quote dorris88]@aSofaNearYou

I usually in other threads agree with you In most situations I see your replies and I'm like 'yeah girl' however in this situation we do just see a different perspective and have a different opinion. Which is totally fine we are different human beings.

Have a lovely evening [/quote]
Yes I thought as much as well, which is why I was so surprised by how shocked you were by the fact that OP wouldn't be thrilled to do this. Advocating for taking one for the team and doing it anyway, I would understand, but shock?

Anyway, let's agree to disagree on this one.

My guess would be it's for a cinema trip or something they would enjoy that a baby wouldn't. Personally I think this is a reasonable ask but not if it became a regular thing he could do it alone yes but it wouldn't hurt.

[quote kateg27]@Getyourarseofffthequattro no they wouldn't stay with the other parent. Both parents want to attend birthdays surely. The little ones would be happier with grandparents and we'd be able to focus on the birthday properly.
You're saying all children should be at a birthday party. So shall I tell my 14 year old she can't have a paint balling party because it's not suitable for the little ones? What do you suggest? A bouncy castle 🙄[/quote]
If both parents want to attend birthdays then siblings should attend too?

You clearly think it's one rule for one set of kids and another rule for another.

Ie the first set are important and the second set should be left with s family member all the time.

@tootiredtospeak

My guess would be it's for a cinema trip or something they would enjoy that a baby wouldn't. Personally I think this is a reasonable ask but not if it became a regular thing he could do it alone yes but it wouldn't hurt.

If its the cinema that's even less of a reason to go. Why arrange a baby sitter to go and see a film if OP doesn't want to see it? It's not like any conversations can take place to help them bond in the dark.

@kateg27 I think you have a bit of a fundamentally different view of what the standard way to approach parenting siblings is to some of us on here. I wouldn't want older children to "miss out", but equally I wouldn't really say they should expect time to be set aside for them to do these more mature activities with both parents there (and that's even taking the step element out). I would expect them to just do those things with one parent the vast majority of the time, I don't really know any parents who operate in the way you are suggesting, nuclear or not. I certainly never experienced time with both of my parents where my sister had been left with a babysitter specifically so that I could have time with both parents without her, rather than more organically because she didn't want to go or something like that. It just isn't something I view children as needing to have.

kateg27 why would both parents go to a 14 year old's paintball party though? That's a friend party, the parent is just there to pay!

I’m completely with the op on this one. What is stopping their DF having his own quality time alone with them?
She’d rather spend time with her baby, that is perfectly acceptable and normal.

My children are all full siblings and DH and I are married, but I don't think we've ever both attended a paid for out of the house party not suitable for all the kids. Once dc1 and 2 came to softplay to help at dc3's party, but otherwise small children's parties have been at home and older children and teens parties have only required one parent. Older children and teens parties aren't about the parents, they're for the teens and their friends and a parental supervisor is unobtrusive and functional if required at all, not there to be part of the party.

“If its the cinema that's even less of a reason to go. Why arrange a baby sitter to go and see a film if OP doesn't want to see it? It's not like any conversations can take place to help them bond in the dark.”

There’s loads of bonding to be had out of a trip to the cinema. The car journey, banter, singing along to the radio etc. The cinema, drinks, snacks, sharing popcorn, slagging off the adverts, laughing at the same funny bits in the film…

Come on, use your imagination.

Maybe he wants some time with you and his older kids to do something that isn’t centred around the baby eg theme park Or him/you having to change the baby, feed the baby. I can see where he’s coming from

@HaroldSteptoesHorse

Maybe he wants some time with you and his older kids to do something that isn’t centred around the baby eg theme park Or him/you having to change the baby, feed the baby. I can see where he’s coming from

He should have thought about that before having a baby!

@pictish

“If its the cinema that's even less of a reason to go. Why arrange a baby sitter to go and see a film if OP doesn't want to see it? It's not like any conversations can take place to help them bond in the dark.”

There’s loads of bonding to be had out of a trip to the cinema. The car journey, banter, singing along to the radio etc. The cinema, drinks, snacks, sharing popcorn, slagging off the adverts, laughing at the same funny bits in the film…

Come on, use your imagination.

Nope the cinema is a useless place for bonding. A meal out would be better and take less time.

If they were your biological children you would do this, so why's it different because they aren't?

Because it just is.

Well…so long as it takes less time. Crack on.

I’d do it differently.

@pictish

Well…so long as it takes less time. Crack on.

I’d do it differently.

Regardless of what your step children actually want?

@HaroldSteptoesHorse

Maybe he wants some time with you and his older kids to do something that isn’t centred around the baby eg theme park Or him/you having to change the baby, feed the baby. I can see where he’s coming from

Tough. If OP doesn't want to do that he can't force her. It will only lead to resentment if she'd rather be with her own child and ends up on a day out with DSC who may not even care if she's there or not.

I’m not arsed to argue semantics.

@pictish

Well…so long as it takes less time. Crack on.

I’d do it differently.

why waste time sat in the dark in silence wishing you were somewhere else. Torture.

Why arrange a baby sitter to go and see a film if OP doesn't want to see it because that’s being a parent, or step parent. Blimy I didn’t want to sit through angry birds with my niece and nephew years back, I did it to treat them and let them know they were important to me.
I agree a whole night is ott but a couple of hrs doesn’t seem like a big ask.

When I met my DP I had a 6yr old and he got to do things with both me and my DP. 4 years later we had a child together. At that point he was 10 and doing baby stuff and stuff with him just didnt always work. Sometimes my Mum or his Dad would have him and us 3 would do soft play or things suited to the baby and sometimes my Mum would have the baby and all 3 of us would do more grown up stuff like water parks wrestling shows ect. Sometimes we all did stuff together. If my DP had basically told me when our child was born that to do stuff with my son on our own was a waste of his time now he had a child of his own he would not have been my DP anymore. It would have screamed selfish uncaring and unkind. I couldn't have looked at him the same way. My DS is now 20 and I have 2 younger children with DP. We are a family. It's not my kid and our kids there is no separation. When the 20yr old is being a dick like he can be now he still remembers that DP was there, he cared and he wanted to spend time with him its important.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Why arrange a baby sitter to go and see a film if OP doesn't want to see it because that’s being a parent, or step parent. Blimy I didn’t want to sit through angry birds with my niece and nephew years back, I did it to treat them and let them know they were important to me. I agree a whole night is ott but a couple of hrs doesn’t seem like a big ask.

That's a totally different scenario

Why can't they just go with their dad?

What happens as they get older? What message does that send to the younger child?