AIBU to not want to spend this time with his children?

[DontWantToThanks]

My husband has mentioned a couple of times asking someone to look after our baby (10 months) one weekend afternoon and night when we have his older children with us so we can spend some time with them without baby, take them out somewhere or something.

AIBU to say no? Honestly as mean as it probably sounds I have no desire to have someone take DS just so I can go out with DSC.

He absolutely can take them out anywhere he likes but I don't want to send my son away just so I can go along too.

He doesn't see the problem (we have asked people to have DS a few times overnight before but that was when we were completely childfree), I don't see the point if we have the children with us anyway, I'd rather DS was with me.

Another dimension is that children/teens often don't want to be part of the blended setup. They are not consulted over the new partners but expected to go along with a new dynamic.

My friends children spend time with their Dad and his wife plus her children. You couldn't put two different types of children together if you tried! If they met under any other circumstances, school, college or club, the children would have zero interest in each other yet because their parents got together they have to endure time together.
The mum and dad have finally had to admit it doesn't work so they now have separate holidays, such is the diversity of needs.

Reality is the dad assumed (selfishly) that everyone would fall in line with his ideas/hobbies/activities...it's the reason his first marriage failed and likely to be the reason his 2nd marriage will also fail.

I think those with children have to reconsider partnerships - the traditional model of meeting/dating/living together/marriage doesn't work- perhaps they should be more "living apart together" relationships instead of attempting to blend.

@laurenGame

Stepmothering is like walking the tightrope over a crocodile infested river. Falls are inevitable, but you need to both be able to swim and fight off crocodiles singlehanded!

I wish I was joking

@dorris88

What are the ages of SC?

No one can expect you to do anything but if there's a vast age gap, then your DH is quite right to in a blue moon do something separate that focuses on them.

I would feel happy to be included in that, and that they want me there.

We take DSD to football matches here and there, and leave DD3 with nanny because quite frankly she would be bored shitless.

If they were your biological children you would do this, so why's it different because they aren't?

Err, because they aren't her biological children 🤔🤔

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard...

What is this actually for and how old are the kids? I would get a sitter for DC2 so that both me and OH could take DC1 to the theatre for example.

Stick to your guns, OP.

I, too, suspect your DH is looking for help rather than some unspoken emotional benefit for your DSC.

Surely the most important thing is for the DSC to have consistent quality time with their dad 2:1 and 1:1. Barring the odd trip to a panto, it makes no sense for you to call in babysitting time to spend more time with just with DSC, especially as they are not the ones asking for it.

@Fireflygal a wise post. Also thinking about it teen DS is much more communicative when he's with just one of his DPs rather than both of us, likely same for OPs DSCs so why does OP have to tag along, except of course to things that she can bring the baby to.

dangerrabbit all the DC are his though.

He wants the OP to parent/ help him with (or babysit) his older children from a previous relationship and leave his youngest DC (her only biological DC) with a babysitter. All the DC are his DC, it's just that only one is joint with the OP.

TBH he sounds like a man who believed he was marrying a babysitter who'd make his life easier and is pissed off that this hasn't worked out now he's "let her have a baby" (had another, equally not more nor less, important child with a new wife).

The DC probably doesn't care much about the stepmum as long as she's friendly the way a primary school teacher or pleasant next door neighbour is, and doesn't stand between them and their dad. It's their dad who wants her to step up and do his job.

If my DH ever left and remarried in all honesty I would very much hope he had no more children because of the tendency of men to move on from their children as well as the relationship with the children's mother when they start a new family. However while I'd want any stepmother to be pleasant and friendly (polite in a warm way) I absolutely would not want her to take on a mothering role unless I were dead! Where it's divorce not bereavement the children have two parents like children in nuclear families do, and if both parents are decent humans they should be the ones doing the parenting. The role of a step parent is a fine line, but essentially it's not to stand in the way of (and in the case of their spouse to facilitate but absolutely not replace) the biological parents parenting all their children fully without giving any preferential treatment.

Of course it's ideal if the step parent genuinely loves the step children and takes a "favourite aunt type non parental but important role, but their role isn't to relieve their spouse of any^ their automatic 50% responsibility for the children from their first marriage.

Lol at the post before mine.

All hail the Golden Uterus.

@SpaceshiptoMars

Stepmothering is like going to the shop and trying on the perfect shoe. You ask the sales assistant for the other one and they explain that you can have it, but only every other weekend and half of the holidays.

Sometimes you wear the entire pair and feel fab, other times you wonder if you should have gone for the pair that didn't quite fit but at least you don't have to hop.

When people ask you if you have any shoes, you explain you borrow one every other weekend. Other shoe wearers go quiet and look awkward.

When you return the EOW shoe, you polish it up until it gleams, kiss it goodbye and pop it back in the box... but 3 hours later you get an email telling you that it has been returned scuffed and with a broken heel.

You ask other people online what it's like for them, sometimes only having half a pair of shoes and they say you're horrible. You don't deserve so much as a sock. You knew what you were getting into when you bought these shoes. And they're glad their shoes don't have to go to your house every other weekend.

"Did you try these shoes on when they belonged to someone else, OP?"

👠

@PeeAche oh and you can't treat the shoe as your own when it's your turn to wear it or the shop get annoyed. You can't complain about it if it feels a bit tight sometimes. But you must also love it as if it is your other shoe.

I love the shoe story.

May I also add, because your borrowed shoe is only worn EOW then it holds a very special status and you just put it, not only above your other shoe, but also yourself. If it nips or rubs you must carry on wearing and put up with the discomfort without ever complaining.

Adding to the shoe thing -

And if you get another pair of shoes you love, you must not show that you love this other pair in anything visual when the EOW shoes comes to town or you must by default wear the other shoes and pretend other shoes are almost not there. Really you must apologise for any other shoes on your wardrobe.

Ideally though you must love the EOW the most, even if they pinch restrict, and obviously put them on a pestle but remember your place. They aren't your shoes.

If your family want to buy your shoe new laces because they have broken then they must also buy EOW laces even though they may not need them and the shop may have already bought it new laces.

Yanbu, I don't do this with my kids and they are all mine.

@dorris88

What are the ages of SC?

No one can expect you to do anything but if there's a vast age gap, then your DH is quite right to in a blue moon do something separate that focuses on them.

I would feel happy to be included in that, and that they want me there.

We take DSD to football matches here and there, and leave DD3 with nanny because quite frankly she would be bored shitless.

If they were your biological children you would do this, so why's it different because they aren't?

@dorris88 I honestly don't know anyone who would get a babysitter so both parents could take another child to an activity!

Surely most parents split it so 1 parent takes child to an activity and the other parent has the other child or children?

Why would you pay a babysitter when there are 2 parents available, unless for a special occasion?

@MsSquiz

I'm only replying cos you've tagged me. This thread is just differs of opinions and arguing the toss won't change anyone's parenting styles.

Firstly - I don't pay my mum or mother in law to spend time with their grandchild.

Secondly - because you decide to have more than one child, shouldn't mean either child (predominantly the older child) should forfeit quality time occasionally (and I mean like a few times a year) with both parent. Whether it's a step parent or not

dorris88 But the time they do spend all together is not not quality time purely because their youngest sibling is present?

My SS is 4 years older than my SD, he has always had to deal with her being around. Neither of them ever get left behind with grandparents/whoever so we can both do things with just one of them without the other, that wouldn't be seen as fair and it's not something we would do.

DP will sometimes do something with one or the other separately, but we wouldn't do a 'family' day out and leave one of them behind so it was better for the other one. I don't see why it would or should be any different if we had a joint child.

To add, there are loads more things we could enjoy doing with SS if leaving SD behind was an option, but it isn't because they're siblings, they're family - so these things either have to wait until she is old enough to enjoy them too, or DP takes SS alone.

We don't just leave her with someone else and all go out together without her.

@LittleMysSister

To add, there are loads more things we could enjoy doing with SS if leaving SD behind was an option, but it isn't because they're siblings, they're family - so these things either have to wait until she is old enough to enjoy them too, or DP takes SS alone.

We don't just leave her with someone else and all go out together without her.

This with 🔔 on !

Can you imagine if the situation was reversed. Carnage

Exactly @candlelightsatdawn.

My DP sometimes takes SS to football matches while SD stays with her nan as she doesn't enjoy football, but that's the extent of it and SD certainly hardly ever gets to do things without SS.

Part and parcel of having a sibling is that you don't get to be an only child (or in this case, only set of children) anymore, and parents need to help you accept that when a new baby is in the picture.

That's not to say nobody should get any one-on-one time anymore, by any means, but just that it might be slightly different - like at home playing a game together or watching a film, rather than a day out where the smallest sibling is left behind somewhere else completely.

I completely agree with you @LittleMysSister

I know a fair few posters on here have said this is something they do, so it obviously does happen sometimes, but I have literally never encountered any parents doing this when they have more than one kid and I would honestly find it quite strange.

@aSofaNearYou Same here, aside from stuff like parents' evenings, open evenings or doctor's appointments, I can't ever think of a time where my parents purposely left my sister with my grandparents so they could take me somewhere without her. Certainly not for something fun, where she could have been present even if she was really little. And tbh they wouldn't have wanted me to think that leaving her behind and going out with both of them was an option, even if I wanted it to be.

The only time my SD/SS ever get to do something without the other is when it's something the other has actively chosen not to do, and then they go to grandparent's instead. Otherwise the default is everyone goes. I would expect it to be the same if I had a baby too, if DP was wanting me to go along then we would all go.

Ooh ooh I've thought of one!
My parents were lined up to look after DS during DSDs dance show.
Because I knew fine well that DSD wanted me to be there and would ask me "did you see when I?" Or "what was your favourite song?" Etc and I didn't want to let her down by pacing the lobby outside with the baby.
It wasn't about him, it was about DSD.
Then Covid hit and that was that. If her dance show happens this year I'll probably do the same for the same reasons.
But apart from that. No.

@LittleMysSister Exactly, and you raise a very good point about not wanting the kids to think this is an option even if they wanted it to be.

There were times when I was a child that I might have been alone with both parents say if my DSis was on a school trip or at a solo club, or like you say when she was a little older and refused to come so was left at home, but other than that, no she would never have been deliberately sent off so that they could take just me somewhere fun, or vice versa. If they had done that at some point, I have no doubt that during my DSis more unpleasant older sibling phases, there'd have been "I don't want aSofa to come, can't we just leave her behind?" Not something my parents would have had any desire to encourage.