AIBU to not want to spend this time with his children?

[DontWantToThanks]

My husband has mentioned a couple of times asking someone to look after our baby (10 months) one weekend afternoon and night when we have his older children with us so we can spend some time with them without baby, take them out somewhere or something.

AIBU to say no? Honestly as mean as it probably sounds I have no desire to have someone take DS just so I can go out with DSC.

He absolutely can take them out anywhere he likes but I don't want to send my son away just so I can go along too.

He doesn't see the problem (we have asked people to have DS a few times overnight before but that was when we were completely childfree), I don't see the point if we have the children with us anyway, I'd rather DS was with me.

[quote dorris88]@aSofaNearYou

I agree, time away from my DD I spend on much needed me time.

However being a step parent also requires and element of selflessness.

If my DSD asked me to take her cinema and lunch I wouldn't see that as her dragging my away from my DD - I see it as an activity that I will naturally enjoy more with my own DD when she's older, but I go with her to make her happy and in my case, I enjoy it too.

If the sc don't want you there then fuck it I wouldn't bother entertaining, but If they do that sucks for them.

The emphasis on 'husbands kids' is because at the start, all of us would have been welcoming, thoughtful and enjoying (or pretending to) days out with their kids to seal the deal with the guy. I know I did because my husband was too perfect to let my step mum fears block that.
However I can't now decide they aren't important cos I have my own. It's like false advertisement [/quote]
You keep using examples where the SC asks for the SM to do something, which is quite different. But honestly, if my DSS asked me to go to the cinema with him I would say ok, and DP would stay at home with DD. What I wouldn't do is get a sitter just so both adults could fail to see a film they have no interest in. Like OP, I don't have a babysitter often and if I had the opportunity, I would be using it for a much needed break from parenting. My need for that is greater than my DSSs "need" to spend time with me and DP at the same time without DD there. I don't think it is something he'd dislike, but he could take it or leave it really.

Before my DD was born, like I said, I did child orientated things with just DSS. I don't think I owe it to him to continue doing that indefinitely, though, he's perfectly capable of grasping that a sibling being born will mean that sibling will be there by default in the same way he is during his contact time with us.

Which is, in my opinion, blinkered.
She asked…I have answered. I’m not seeking to offend. I genuinely think the whole family dynamic would be unified by a more generous approach.

@pictish

Which is, in my opinion, blinkered. She asked…I have answered. I’m not seeking to offend. I genuinely think the whole family dynamic would be unified by a more generous approach.

I agree if what is being sought is a unified family dynamic. Some step families are best being a little less blended though so I guess only OP knows the personalities involved.

You keep using examples where the SC asks for the SM to do something, which is quite different. But honestly, if my DSS asked me to go to the cinema with him I would say ok, and DP would stay at home with DD.

Agree completely, it's different if SCs are actually asking to spend time with OP.

@dorris88

He hasn't even said what the activity is. Just I want you to ditch your child for mine. * * I just can't deal 😅 I'm out of here.

It's a bit rich to scoff this much at people using language that implies the younger child is being sent away (fairly factual depending on how much emotive weight you are reading into the words) whilst simultaneously reiterating how shocked you are that somebody wouldn't want to book a babysitter in order to continue looking after kids.

She thinks time spent exclusively on her step kids is wasted.

@pictish

She thinks time spent exclusively on her step kids is wasted.

Well it would be if neither they nor she wanted it?

@pictish

She thinks time spent exclusively on her step kids is wasted.

Fair enough. That's her view. I'd feel the same if it wasn't something they had actively asked for

@pictish

She thinks time spent exclusively on her step kids is wasted.

Wasted rare, potential child free time, yes, that's exactly what it is. Such is life as a parent of a young child.

They will never, ever know that fact, though, why would they?

@pictish

She thinks time spent exclusively on her step kids is wasted.

She doesn't?? She just doesn't want to use up a limited babysitting opportunity to still be doing a child-based activity.

SCs live with OP half the week so I'd imagine she probably does spend time doing things with them herself while her DH handles the baby.

To each their own way. OP’s would not be mine.

@DontWantToThanks you sound quite mean to be honest. You are going to cause issues in the future here. We have 3 older kids, DD14, DSD 13 and DS12. We have little ones aged 2 and 7 months. We do things altogether, we do things with the little ones and things with the big ones. DD and Ds aren't my partners biological children, DSD isn't mine.
We've always made a big point of the older ones not feeling pushed out.
I hate to break it to you but a walk to the park is not what a teenager wants to be doing. And also whether you like it or not, these children are your family now, they should be made to feel like it.

@aSofaNearYou

I usually in other threads agree with you In most situations I see your replies and I'm like 'yeah girl' however in this situation we do just see a different perspective and have a different opinion. Which is totally fine we are different human beings.

Have a lovely evening

@Getyourarseofffthequattro I do! If I take be big ones to a theme park I don't take the little ones. Same as if I go to soft play the big ones don't come. They shouldn't miss out because I chose to have a big age gap

[quote kateg27]@Getyourarseofffthequattro I do! If I take be big ones to a theme park I don't take the little ones. Same as if I go to soft play the big ones don't come. They shouldn't miss out because I chose to have a big age gap [/quote]
🎉🎉 here here 🎉🎉

[quote kateg27]@Getyourarseofffthequattro I do! If I take be big ones to a theme park I don't take the little ones. Same as if I go to soft play the big ones don't come. They shouldn't miss out because I chose to have a big age gap [/quote]
But they're not missing out?!

They're still getting to do everything with their dad? OP is happy for them to do anything, and to join in where appropriate with the baby.

If OP was insisting everything included the baby and that her DH wasn't allowed to go out with his older kids without her and baby, then I'd agree with you. But she isn't?

@LittleMysSister but they have a step mum and dad, that's a family unit. Not just a dad. Some activities aren't suitable for a baby. Bowling, cinema, theme parks etc. What's one afternoon every couple of months? It's nothing and the OP can't even give that to children she is supposed to care about.
When my DSD is at our house, she is treated no differently to the other children that live here. If we have days out when she is not here, she is asked if she would like to come along. Id be so upset f she felt like she was excluded.

[quote kateg27]@Getyourarseofffthequattro I do! If I take be big ones to a theme park I don't take the little ones. Same as if I go to soft play the big ones don't come. They shouldn't miss out because I chose to have a big age gap [/quote]
But they're not missing out are they? Because their dad takes them?

[quote kateg27]@LittleMysSister but they have a step mum and dad, that's a family unit. Not just a dad. Some activities aren't suitable for a baby. Bowling, cinema, theme parks etc. What's one afternoon every couple of months? It's nothing and the OP can't even give that to children she is supposed to care about.
When my DSD is at our house, she is treated no differently to the other children that live here. If we have days out when she is not here, she is asked if she would like to come along. Id be so upset f she felt like she was excluded. [/quote]
They have a family unit...but you think they should exclude the baby?

@Getyourarseofffthequattro they are though because they aren't being treated like a family

[quote kateg27]@Getyourarseofffthequattro they are though because they aren't being treated like a family [/quote]
Why aren't they?

They're there half the time. Op isn't excluding them she's happy to spend time with all the kids together, she's not happy to give up child free time to spend time without her own child. It's not that she's not treating them like family. You don't have to leave one kid out to make the others feel like family. What a bizarre conclusion.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro if the activity isn't suitable for a baby then yes. You wouldn't expect a teenager to go to soft play for the baby would you, they'd go elsewhere so the baby could still have that experience.

OP here come the ‘you should sell your own child for the sake of the DSC brigade’!

Of course you’re not unreasonable.

[quote kateg27]@Getyourarseofffthequattro if the activity isn't suitable for a baby then yes. You wouldn't expect a teenager to go to soft play for the baby would you, they'd go elsewhere so the baby could still have that experience.[/quote]
No I'd expect them to stay with the other parent. Not have to go to a babysitter when the other parent would actually rather look after them.

[quote kateg27]@LittleMysSister but they have a step mum and dad, that's a family unit. Not just a dad. Some activities aren't suitable for a baby. Bowling, cinema, theme parks etc. What's one afternoon every couple of months? It's nothing and the OP can't even give that to children she is supposed to care about.
When my DSD is at our house, she is treated no differently to the other children that live here. If we have days out when she is not here, she is asked if she would like to come along. Id be so upset f she felt like she was excluded. [/quote]
But it totally depends on the availability of childcare.

It would be easy for me, for instance, to drop a baby round the corner with my mum for a couple of hours while myself, DP and SCs went out bowling. However, OP has been clear that this isn't the case for her and she doesn't have that kind of on-tap childcare available. She has said that asking for babysitting for this reason would mean she would not feel comfortable asking again any time soon.

I don't really see why you're saying about your SD being excluded though as SCs are not being excluded from anything here? They are the ones being taken places while OP and baby stay home (on occasion). OP has said most time is spent together as a whole family unit - including baby.