AIBU to not want to spend this time with his children?

[DontWantToThanks]

My husband has mentioned a couple of times asking someone to look after our baby (10 months) one weekend afternoon and night when we have his older children with us so we can spend some time with them without baby, take them out somewhere or something.

AIBU to say no? Honestly as mean as it probably sounds I have no desire to have someone take DS just so I can go out with DSC.

He absolutely can take them out anywhere he likes but I don't want to send my son away just so I can go along too.

He doesn't see the problem (we have asked people to have DS a few times overnight before but that was when we were completely childfree), I don't see the point if we have the children with us anyway, I'd rather DS was with me.

Overnight might be too much, I can’t disagree with you on that. I don’t think an afternoon or evening out with just the step kids is too much to ask of you though, because it really would be nice for them. It sounds like your DH would appreciate it because he just wants to make sure that his children still feel special and important to both of you.

I get that baby free time is precious, but there’s plenty of that to come, they grow up quickly. If you have lots of available help, there’s no reason why you couldn’t compromise and do something that doesn’t mean the baby has to be away overnight.

@LethargicActress

Nobody sends their smallest child off to focus on the big ones do they?

Of course they do. When I had my second child my health visitor actually advised me to still try and do things 1-1 with my oldest. I regularly left the baby so that I could take the older one to an activity, as did most of the mums I knew with second babies.

Was your other child with their other parent though?

No, he was at work and I was lucky to have grandma help.

I will jump in here however and sympathise that if my SC was not enjoyable then I may feel similarly.

Perhaps because I enjoy her company, my opinion is different as I know a lot of step children can be quite hard.

I think YABU to keep saying you’re ‘sending him away’. You weren’t ‘sending him away’ when you mentioned you had a babysitter for just the two of you to go out. If you don’t want to go though, then you shouldn’t and he shouldn’t force you to or make you feel guilty. Personally, it sounds like he’s trying to do something nice so his children still feel part of the family when they come to you, it might be a nice occasion to do something fun together. My parents often took me somewhere unsuitable for babies and my grandparents looked after my baby sister. I have really fond memories of it, and being a baby she wouldn’t have felt left out!

@dorris88

Some of the responses have got me shocked.

I can't continue to even read them.

'Why would you give up time with your own child to spend time with someone else's'

🤯

You mean the children of your husbands, in which you openly got to know and built a blended family? You mean the children in which you came into their life and hopefully built a bond with? The children who see you as a step parental figure?

Your not giving up a few hours in a blue moon with you child, to spend it hanging out strangers.

Like @MysteriousMonkey said - it's actually making me a little sad.

Oh come on, it really helps nothing that people are so easily shocked by obvious truths.

Being a parent is full on, it takes up the vast majority of your time and is very draining. There is literally nothing in the world I would like to do less on one of the very rare occasions I have away from DD, than spend it with other young children, "on duty" as it were. There is absolutely nothing shocking about that at all.

It doesn't make the slightest difference that they are her DHs children (why do people always insist on emphasising that as if it makes any difference to how you feel about them?), time away from my OWN child is important for me to recharge, does that shock you? Why on Earth would you be shocked I wouldn't want to fill it with other children? The only reason I'd ever actively want time away from my DD, would be to have child free time. If I was happy to be around children, I would obviously want to be around her.

@LethargicActress

Nobody sends their smallest child off to focus on the big ones do they?

Of course they do. When I had my second child my health visitor actually advised me to still try and do things 1-1 with my oldest. I regularly left the baby so that I could take the older one to an activity, as did most of the mums I knew with second babies.

This is different though as you are mother to both.

Every situation is different of course, but my own SCs would not feel the same kind of worry about their relationship with me if we had a baby as they would about their places in their dad's life. As long as their dad was still having time alone with them, they really wouldn't be concerned if the only time they spent with me also included our baby.

As I say, the only time it could be annoying for them and when I would actually consider getting a baby looked after is if something couldn't really go ahead without me there, such as a theme park or something similar where it's much harder with just one available adult.

However, mostly if I'm doing something child-friendly I'd expect to take my own child to it as well.

Totally up to you of course OP - but if my husband told me he had zero interest in spending time with my dc I would have to rethink our relationship - I'd be gutted. Why do you think he's keen for you to join in the activity days? Is it possible he feels you don't make an effort? Or do you think he might want a break from the baby?

If they were your biological children you would do this, so why's it different because they aren't?

Oh ffs. These kids have 2 parents who love them, take care of them, make sure all their needs are met. They don't need another one.

The op doesn't want to get a babysitter for her child to go and do some unspecified thing with her SC, when they aren't even the ones requesting it. She wants to spend that time with her child, while her dh spends time with his.

It is completely different than all of them being ops children because they would have 2 parents, one being op, to look after them and make sure their needs are being met. As it stands they don't need 3 parents, but ops dc does need at least one.

MysteriousMonkey and LethargicActress that's one parent with each child or set of children though - completely normal in non blended nuclear families. That's not what the dad in this case wants - he wants two parents with one set of children and the other child with a babysitter/ family babysitter.

Its also the dad who's asking for this, not the children.

I'd suspect it's to make the outings easier for him rather than because the stepchildren are missing their stepmother's baby-free attention.

If it were specifically for a birthday outing/ special trip to London to see a show/ panto/ non baby appropriate restaurant the older children love or similar I'd agree Doris - but it's for nothing specific, and overnight.

@LethargicActress

Your DH sounds like a good Dad. He knows it would feel nice to his children that both their Dad and their step mum wanted to spend some special time with just them, and he’s trying to make that happen.

If it matters to your DH and your step children, I’d suck it up and do it. I can understand you not wanting to, but it would be nice for them, and you chose to be their step mum so its just one of those compromises you should make.

Totally agree with this.

They aren't with you FT so yours and DH LO gets a lot of time with you both without his siblings there.

It would be nice for his siblings if occasionally they got the same.

I can see both sides- your husband is just trying to make his other children feel important- its a once in a blue moon I see no issue. I think you need to try and look at it from his perspective and if your biological child was from a broken home how you would want to and new partners to make him feel.

His kids would probably MUCH rather have time alone with just him tbh.
If you can nicely ask the kids what they'd prefer this might bypass your DHs weird request.

@shylatte

Totally up to you of course OP - but if my husband told me he had zero interest in spending time with my dc I would have to rethink our relationship - I'd be gutted. Why do you think he's keen for you to join in the activity days? Is it possible he feels you don't make an effort? Or do you think he might want a break from the baby?

Yikes

@shylatte

Totally up to you of course OP - but if my husband told me he had zero interest in spending time with my dc I would have to rethink our relationship - I'd be gutted. Why do you think he's keen for you to join in the activity days? Is it possible he feels you don't make an effort? Or do you think he might want a break from the baby?

I don't have zero interest in spending time with them. We spend lots of time together as they live here half the week and most things baby friendly I join in with.

But that's a separate thing imo to purposefully sending my son elsewhere for an afternoon through to overnight so I can go and spend the little childfree time I have still doing child orientated activities. If I'm going to be spending time with children anyway, I'd rather DS be there.

If there's something specific that DSC want to do and want me to come to I probably would. But I think the whole afternoon through to the next day is too much.

I enjoy my Sd company on the whole I find her interesting.

However I'm her SM and as nice as I'm sure she thinks I am. I realise that I am the side dish. What she wants and deserves is time with DH one on one. I am effectively mash potato a side dish. I'm sure which at points , she wishes I wasn't here and she could just have the steak alone. I can't magic myself away or fix the fact her family broke up. But I can give her one on one time with DH.

If he's reproduced once he's adult enough to handle parenting solo at a event.

Can anyone imagine the thread - I want to get babysitter for SC as I want to take baby and DH to a event just for us. Just because it's hard to have siblings 🤯

You would be nailed to the cross and horse whipped. Like many posts though there is a insidious "poor SC and I feel sorry for the kids" if the situation is like this but if it's the child of a second family - "it's ohh the babies young they won't remember" and all manner of excuses.

One rule for one one rule for another, only one rule comes with a side helping of guilt.

This is more about DH preferences than it is the SC tbh

Hell no! By all means get a sitter if you take the other out to the movies or for an activity but overnight absolutely not that seems so unfair to everyone. Why does the baby need to be removed for him to spend time with his kids?

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

I can see both sides- your husband is just trying to make his other children feel important- its a once in a blue moon I see no issue. I think you need to try and look at it from his perspective and if your biological child was from a broken home how you would want to and new partners to make him feel.

It's not up to OP to live in apologise that the first family broke up.

That is down to the dad and the mum. Step parents aren't here to fix the failings of the parents who created a child. Nor should they be guilted into that role either.

If you and your husband were to split up in future, how would you want a theoretical future stepmum to behave towards your DS?

I personally think DSCs deserve a bit of extra consideration, as they've already had to go through their parents splitting up and often (as in this case) the addition of step-parents and new siblings. It's commendable that your DH wants to include you and maintain a bond between you and your DSC.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

I can see both sides- your husband is just trying to make his other children feel important- its a once in a blue moon I see no issue. I think you need to try and look at it from his perspective and if your biological child was from a broken home how you would want to and new partners to make him feel.

Why does the baby have to be left out for that?

It doesn't exactly say 'we are family' if one member is left behind

At the end of the day, in an intact 'first' family, activities for just the older children with both parents present would be very few and far between. Probably literally a couple of times a year, if that really.

I really like and care for my SCs, so I'd do it if it was necessary to make the activity work for them, but otherwise I'd think them spending the time alone with their dad plus family time with all of us was enough.

@candlelightsatdawn I don't think it's just bias towards SCs that affects people's responses. I'm a 'second family' daughter (my father's third DD) and very aware that this has advantaged me (and my younger sibling) tremendously. It IS objectively a source of difficulty for a child to go through their parents separating, and the disruption to attachment (etc) that that often brings with it. If the second family stays together, the children of that family don't have to face that genre of difficulty. It doesn't mean you have a perfect life - you may have a very hard one - and not does it mean children of separated parents will do badly or be unhappy. But it seems unrealistic to pretend this isn't impactful.

@thelegohooverer

I might see his point if it was a toddler and teens but at ten months a baby just comes along on whatever activities you are doing.

My younger one was walking at 10 months so he was a toddler!

@Innocenta

If you and your husband were to split up in future, how would you want a theoretical future stepmum to behave towards your DS?

I personally think DSCs deserve a bit of extra consideration, as they've already had to go through their parents splitting up and often (as in this case) the addition of step-parents and new siblings. It's commendable that your DH wants to include you and maintain a bond between you and your DSC.

I wouldn't care in the slightest if my child's SM didn't send her children away to spend time with just mine, and I'd judge my ExDP if he put weird pressure on her to do so.