AIBU to not want to spend this time with his children?

[DontWantToThanks]

My husband has mentioned a couple of times asking someone to look after our baby (10 months) one weekend afternoon and night when we have his older children with us so we can spend some time with them without baby, take them out somewhere or something.

AIBU to say no? Honestly as mean as it probably sounds I have no desire to have someone take DS just so I can go out with DSC.

He absolutely can take them out anywhere he likes but I don't want to send my son away just so I can go along too.

He doesn't see the problem (we have asked people to have DS a few times overnight before but that was when we were completely childfree), I don't see the point if we have the children with us anyway, I'd rather DS was with me.

Does anyone ever say 'i would hate for my older kids to think after I had the baby I didn't want to spend time with them'

Or does everyone just adapt?

This is no different. Nobody sends their smallest child off to focus on the big ones do they?

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

In 99% of occasions, I would agree with you but I do not think if my DH asked to do something which my DD couldn't attend or enjoy, that I would begrudge going if it is fair and far between.

The same way as for my DD birthday we took her to peppa pig at the theatre, and DSD was like hell no, and she spent a couple hours at her uncles with her cousins. Same as for DSD birthday we took her to watch a West Ham game, and DD stayed at her nans where she gets alllll the sticker books she could dream of.

If you have a family support, where the children enjoy going, then why cant both parents experience the odd occasion together with said child? And give that child a chance to experience (in the case of the older one) a few hours of something with their parents like they used to?

I wouldn't dream of doing that often but for special occasions, or very rare occasions, I don't see an issue.

In OP's case, I probably wouldn't see the need to have my DC stay out, but id definitely consider a few hours out of the day.

You're not being unreasonable at all.

If the boot was on the other foot and you suggested that your stepchildren were palmed off on a babysitter in order for you and your partner to spend time with just your son, then you'd be vilified for being an evil stepmother.

You've already said you're happy to go along to things with the step kids as well as your son so you're quite right to say you don't want your son excluded from family activities.

What is his reason for expecting you to go out with him & the DSC? Surely he enjoys their company and they can really spend quality time together without you? .

If it's to go to a show or a night out on the tiles and you wanted to then fine. But if it's not something you want to do then also fine. He's a dick if he tries to persuade you to do something you don't want that DSC would perfectly happy without. He can go to the pub or whatever it is with his own child.

"excluded from family activities"

Lord give me strength. For one off occasion?

My DD was a 10 month old once - you cannot take a 10 month old along to do activities that a 10yo+ is going to be interested in.

Same way as perhaps on the weekends SC aren't there, they do things to suit the 10MO.

However on this very rare occasion the SCs want to do something with their SM and not bore the 10MO, or have to accommodate naps etc, and that is "excluding the son from family activities"

YANBU at all. I get it.

If the boot was on the other foot and you suggested that your stepchildren were palmed off on a babysitter in order for you and your partner to spend time with just your son, then you'd be vilified for being an evil stepmother.

Yeah, I'd put it to him like this

@dorris88 OP hasn't mentioned that he wants to do this for a specific event that isn't appropriate for a baby, he just wants to do this generally.

As to why can't both parents experience something with just the one child, well, it is ok to admit that they are not OPs children so she has no particular desire to miss out on a day with her child (and potentially future childcare options that are more for her actual benefit) in order to have a day with them. It shouldn't really need saying, it's natural.

I think it would be lovely to take the DSC out without the baby occasionally, so they still feel welcome and important to you. You said you did it before so why not? I realise you may never feel the same way about them as your own child but this doesn't have to be made obvious. With my biological children I often would take one or two to something they'd enjoy and leave the ones I knew wouldn't behind. So I took two to Cbeebies live for example and then the next week the others to the cinema... Honestly your post (and a lot of the responses) make me feel a little sad!

Why would anyone want to give up time with their own kid to spend it with someone else's.

If it's a special going out treat that would be unsuitable for the baby, wouldn't his children prefer to just have that time with their Dad anyway?

Your DH sounds like a good Dad. He knows it would feel nice to his children that both their Dad and their step mum wanted to spend some special time with just them, and he’s trying to make that happen.

If it matters to your DH and your step children, I’d suck it up and do it. I can understand you not wanting to, but it would be nice for them, and you chose to be their step mum so its just one of those compromises you should make.

If someone e is good enough to have my child overnight or even just for a day, no way on earth would l spend my child free time with other children!

@MysteriousMonkey

I think it would be lovely to take the DSC out without the baby occasionally, so they still feel welcome and important to you. You said you did it before so why not? I realise you may never feel the same way about them as your own child but this doesn't have to be made obvious. With my biological children I often would take one or two to something they'd enjoy and leave the ones I knew wouldn't behind. So I took two to Cbeebies live for example and then the next week the others to the cinema... Honestly your post (and a lot of the responses) make me feel a little sad!

FGS, it's not "obvious" to a child that you don't want to spend time with them if you don't send their sibling away to ensure it's just you and them.

Comments like this, like the DH, are fabricating issues that don't exist in order to pressure and shame OP into doing something she'd, naturally, really rather not.

Nothing is "obvious" to the children, not sending the baby away is not sending them any messages, it's just normal family life.

If you had older kids yourself then you'd need to find a sitter for a baby if you wanted to go to something like that, wouldn't you?

Well I guess this is just it, I don't need to, nor do I particularly want to either.

Oh and just to clarify, DSC haven't asked me to go anywhere with them. This is completely DHs idea, I don't even think he's mentioned anything to them. It's not a specific event or place they have asked me to come to.

That's even more pointless then if DSC hasn't asked and there isn't anything they had in mind. Tell him to ask again when he's decided what to do with DSC and you'll come along if you think it's better than spending time with your own child.

Nobody sends their smallest child off to focus on the big ones do they?

Of course they do. When I had my second child my health visitor actually advised me to still try and do things 1-1 with my oldest. I regularly left the baby so that I could take the older one to an activity, as did most of the mums I knew with second babies.

Some of the responses have got me shocked.

I can't continue to even read them.

'Why would you give up time with your own child to spend time with someone else's'

🤯

You mean the children of your husbands, in which you openly got to know and built a blended family? You mean the children in which you came into their life and hopefully built a bond with? The children who see you as a step parental figure?

Your not giving up a few hours in a blue moon with you child, to spend it hanging out strangers.

Like @MysteriousMonkey said - it's actually making me a little sad.

@LethargicActress

Nobody sends their smallest child off to focus on the big ones do they?

Of course they do. When I had my second child my health visitor actually advised me to still try and do things 1-1 with my oldest. I regularly left the baby so that I could take the older one to an activity, as did most of the mums I knew with second babies.

I do appreciate this happens.

But I do think a lot of the time, even in nuclear families, it's just one parent that leaves the baby and takes out the older child/ren 1:1. I don't think it's as common to leave the baby overnight with someone else so you can all go out together.

Totally appreciate 1:1 time is still important for older DC, which is why I of course have no issue with DH doing as such.

As PP said, baby free time is precious, it's really not how I'd like to spend what little I have.

I think some of these posts are bizarre, why would OP want to have somebody babysit her child unnecessarily so she can go and do something she doesn't want to do?

If someone's going to babysit her young baby I'm sure she'd rather it would be so she had some time to herself or some time to have a date night with her DH, not so she can go and watch some kids film she doesn't want to see, or go bowling with SCs when they could just as easily go with just their dad.

I actually don't think many intact families would do this either? One or the other parent would take the older kids out while the other stays with the baby, or they'd mainly do things where all children could be present.

Unless it was something I actually wanted to do or something where I was genuinely needed - for example in doris88's example of going to Thorpe Park where I may need to ride with one of the children - I wouldn't have my baby looked after to do something with my SCs.

@dorris88

Some of the responses have got me shocked.

I can't continue to even read them.

'Why would you give up time with your own child to spend time with someone else's'

🤯

You mean the children of your husbands, in which you openly got to know and built a blended family? You mean the children in which you came into their life and hopefully built a bond with? The children who see you as a step parental figure?

Your not giving up a few hours in a blue moon with you child, to spend it hanging out strangers.

Like @MysteriousMonkey said - it's actually making me a little sad.

I don't get why you would feel sad though, OP is still spending lots of time with them?

Just because she doesn't want to get someone to babysit so she can do things with them without her own child doesn't mean her relationship with them has deteriorated or that she doesn't spend time with them. I'm sure she still does loads with them even with the baby around.

Your not giving up a few hours in a blue moon with you child, to spend it hanging out strangers

Of course they aren't strangers, I didn't say they were. But I don't think comparing it to what I'd do with another child of my own is strictly the same either.

I can only echo what @LittleMysSister has just said

@LittleMysSister

I'm not talking about OPs responses, I haven't even read them tbh - I mean other people's