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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU? Don't want to prevent DS from having this experience

124 replies

KurlyJuly · 04/11/2021 16:43

My parents want to take my son on holiday to Disney next year along with my siblings two. He will be 4.5.

I also have two step children who are 8 & 10.

H thinks they'll be sad at missing out. We unfortunately couldn't afford to take all kids ourselves and I doubt DSCs Mum could either although I obviously don't know for sure.

But I don't want to say DS can't go and have this experience with his GPs and cousins.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LethargicActress · 04/11/2021 17:34

@KurlyJuly

Tbf he hasn't said he doesn't thinkDs should go. Just said he's sad for DSC as he thinks they'll be upset they can't.go.

They probably will be tbf, which is why you’d have to play it down as much as possible. Maybe while ds is away you can do something that they'd enjoy or send ds with some spending money and ask the grandparents if they’d be kind enough to help him bring back a present for his siblings.

VienneseWhirligig · 04/11/2021 17:34

In our family, my parents wanted to take my DSS to Florida and not DS, because DSS is a similar age to my sister and it meant she would have someone she saw as a brother there to keep her company and go on rides with, instead of toddler DS who wouldn't have been as much fun. It was purely about the ages and experience they were having - and it sounds like your own child is a similar age to his cousins, so it makes sense that the family dynamic wouldn't be set up for older children to be there.

I wasn't upset that my parents were taking their step grandson instead of their grandson, I saw the logic in it. DSS wouldn't have had the experience with his mum or her family. There will be opportunities for your DSC that won't be open to, or suitable for, their little brother. That's life.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/11/2021 17:34

But this is a treat to the grandchildren from their grandparents so it would be extremely unfair if one grandchild had to miss out.

I agree but to me, the DSC are also grandchildren. I don’t understand the whole if you’re not a blood relative you’re not in my family or my grandchild.

aSofaNearYou · 04/11/2021 17:36

@PlanDeRaccordement

But this is a treat to the grandchildren from their grandparents so it would be extremely unfair if one grandchild had to miss out.

I agree but to me, the DSC are also grandchildren. I don’t understand the whole if you’re not a blood relative you’re not in my family or my grandchild.

Well you can say that all you want, but if that's not the established relationship then it simply isn't so.

LethargicActress · 04/11/2021 17:38

Different obviously if it was a cousins family holiday, I agree that's not comparable. But this is a treat to the grandchildren from their grandparents so it would be extremely unfair if one grandchild had to miss out.

Fair enough, I suppose it is different as it’s a grandparents trip. At four years old it would probably be fairly easy to gloss over or hide though. Either way, we both agree the ds shouldn’t miss out.

aSofaNearYou · 04/11/2021 17:40

@LethargicActress

By that logic wouldn't it be really sad for OP to miss seeing her child at Disney?

Yes, it would. But she chose to put herself in the situation she is in and like it or not, she does have the rest of her family’s feelings to consider if she wants to be able to bring her ds up in a happy and loving blended family.

He chose to put himself in the position he was in, it's on him if he chooses not to go or feels he can't. You are focusing on the wrong person.

JudgementalCactus · 04/11/2021 17:40

@PlanDeRaccordement

But this is a treat to the grandchildren from their grandparents so it would be extremely unfair if one grandchild had to miss out.

I agree but to me, the DSC are also grandchildren. I don’t understand the whole if you’re not a blood relative you’re not in my family or my grandchild.

So what you're saying is that the grandparents should offer to pay for the stepchildren too? What is their other grandkids also have stepsiblings? Pay for those too? One big happy family

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/11/2021 17:41

@aSofaNearYou
We can all say what we want, OP has asked for opinions.
OP called her partner “H” so that indicates they are married so we’re taking a long term committed relationship. This isn’t a two people raising children in different homes and dating situation.

zoemum2006 · 04/11/2021 17:41

Disney Paris or Orlando?

Orlando absolutely no way. Disney Paris yes but I'd go too.

Theme parks are really stressful locations (the fear of the rides, bigs crowds, endless queues and waiting around). It's a recipe for disaster.

I'd agree to a day trip in the UK without me but not another country.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/11/2021 17:41

@JudgementalCactus
So what you're saying is that the grandparents should offer to pay for the stepchildren too? What is their other grandkids also have stepsiblings? Pay for those too? One big happy family confused

No, but nice try. I did say my opinion on how to pay...perhaps you should read them.

Original poster

KurlyJuly · 04/11/2021 17:42

Why would your parents have to split up? Not following you here

I realise now you meant if we saved up for H to go with DSC as well they could split off into a separate group, I thought you meant my parents could split into two groups one with older kids and one with younger.

Though if they would be splitting up anyway not sure why it would matter if my DPs took DS now or in a few years.

OP posts:

zoemum2006 · 04/11/2021 17:43

Sorry I missed point of thread. If I couldn't afford to take step kids (and I wouldn't let him go alone) I'd just say no.

aSofaNearYou · 04/11/2021 17:43

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@aSofaNearYou
We can all say what we want, OP has asked for opinions.
OP called her partner “H” so that indicates they are married so we’re taking a long term committed relationship. This isn’t a two people raising children in different homes and dating situation.[/quote]
You cannot say that their step grandchildren "are" their granchildren because you think you should be. Technically they aren't, and whether they choose to conduct themselves as though they are is entirely at their own discretion.

aSofaNearYou · 04/11/2021 17:44

@zoemum2006

Sorry I missed point of thread. If I couldn't afford to take step kids (and I wouldn't let him go alone) I'd just say no.

Why?

JudgementalCactus · 04/11/2021 17:44

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@JudgementalCactus
So what you're saying is that the grandparents should offer to pay for the stepchildren too? What is their other grandkids also have stepsiblings? Pay for those too? One big happy family confused

No, but nice try. I did say my opinion on how to pay...perhaps you should read them.[/quote]
Perhaps you missed the part where OP says they don't speak to the other grandparents and her and DH won't be able to save up enough anytime soon

Original poster

KurlyJuly · 04/11/2021 17:45

@zoemum2006

Disney Paris or Orlando?

Orlando absolutely no way. Disney Paris yes but I'd go too.

Theme parks are really stressful locations (the fear of the rides, bigs crowds, endless queues and waiting around). It's a recipe for disaster.

I'd agree to a day trip in the UK without me but not another country.

Orlando. I have family who live there (who's wife is American). They go out there quite a lot.

As I say though, they've also offered to pay for me to go too.

DSC don't really know my parents that well so no I don't think they are their grandchildren as well.

OP posts:

NewbieAlert · 04/11/2021 17:45

I’d let the child go.

I’m sure the DSC get things from their mothers side that your child doesn’t.

LethargicActress · 04/11/2021 17:46

It doesn’t sound like he’s been invited and even if he were it would make him a complete arsehole if he went on a trip to Disney with his new wife and child without taking his older children, especially if he paid his own way.

I don’t believe there’s much real choice involved. How was he supposed to see years into the future and know his in laws were going to offer a free trip to Disney to half his family?

Skyla2005 · 04/11/2021 17:46

Well life isn't always fair. He should go with his grandparents just as they would go with their grandparents if it was the other way around I'm sure ! He must go

AnkleDeep · 04/11/2021 17:46

Let him go. You can't deprive him and your parents of lovely memories because your DH's older children may get upset. That's just daft.

They do stuff your DS doesn't - it's what happens.

pumpkinpie2021 · 04/11/2021 17:48

He should go. It's not your parents fault SC parents can't afford to take them

whosaidtha · 04/11/2021 17:48

Are they half siblings or step siblings. If half I'd be super pissed off. My half sister always went on amazing holidays without me. I only had one holiday abroad with them and she went every year. It's shitty and will make them resent their dad for lavishing a fancy holiday on one of his kids and not the others.
If they are step siblings rather than half. That's fine.

zoemum2006 · 04/11/2021 17:49

@aSofaNearYou

Because the step kids are part of the family and I'd want them to share the experience.

(Also it's much more fun in Disney with an 8 & 10 year old. I'd wait until the 4 year old was older).

Original poster

KurlyJuly · 04/11/2021 17:52

@whosaidtha

Are they half siblings or step siblings. If half I'd be super pissed off. My half sister always went on amazing holidays without me. I only had one holiday abroad with them and she went every year. It's shitty and will make them resent their dad for lavishing a fancy holiday on one of his kids and not the others. If they are step siblings rather than half. That's fine.

Half siblings. But it's not him 'lavishing' DS with a fancy holiday. It's my parents.

OP posts:

TicTacHoh · 04/11/2021 17:53

@whosaidtha

Are they half siblings or step siblings. If half I'd be super pissed off. My half sister always went on amazing holidays without me. I only had one holiday abroad with them and she went every year. It's shitty and will make them resent their dad for lavishing a fancy holiday on one of his kids and not the others. If they are step siblings rather than half. That's fine.

The dad isn’t taking them, it’s the grandparents who are no relation to the stepchildren

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