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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU? Don't want to prevent DS from having this experience

124 replies

KurlyJuly · 04/11/2021 16:43

My parents want to take my son on holiday to Disney next year along with my siblings two. He will be 4.5.

I also have two step children who are 8 & 10.

H thinks they'll be sad at missing out. We unfortunately couldn't afford to take all kids ourselves and I doubt DSCs Mum could either although I obviously don't know for sure.

But I don't want to say DS can't go and have this experience with his GPs and cousins.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

liveforsummer · 04/11/2021 19:08

@3cats4poniesandababy

If it was you and your husband taking him (ie paying/ it was a family unit holiday) it would be different but since it is grandparents YANBU.

Yes, this!

Sixtycats · 04/11/2021 19:11

YNBU. 4.5 is too young to cause grief. Downplay it to the step kiddos if need be (DS only gets to go on kiddy rides or whatever). But you'll get stuff like this in every blended family. I get what H is saying, but it's unfair to deny your wee yin the chance to go with his OWN grandparents. Don't feel bad!

liveforsummer · 04/11/2021 19:13

Even in non blended family's sometimes one child might get an amazing school trip or a trip with a friend that the other child isn't offered. I know my brother was. It didn't cause any resentment other than maybe a brief oh I want to go to xyz. Then I got over it.

Agree with this. Dd1 has had kids of amazing trips including going on a highly subsidised trip to Disney with brownies. I'll never be able to afford to take dd2 and she's had far less opportunities over all, due to covid and brexit i doubt brownies or school will be going abroad again any time soon and the extra costs now would probably mean I couldn't afford it even if they did. This is just something she has to accept

Kajjjer93 · 04/11/2021 19:18

Go. He shouldn’t miss out, especially if you have family there. Then when you can in the future save up to go altogether. Organise some special treats for the other children while your away and don’t over talk about it infront of them but bring them back some special gifts.

Your grandparents want to do something nice for your child and he shouldn’t miss out!

lunar1 · 04/11/2021 20:04

You should go with your ds, it would be unfair if the childrens dad was taking the trip with one of three children. But that's not the case. Have an amazing time!!

Youseethethingis · 04/11/2021 20:35

People may pour scorn on @TicTacHoh joke about being told to remortgage to pay for step children but I have actually read this being suggested in all seriousness on a similar thread. Interest rates are low - why wouldn't you add to your mortgage rather than expect children to understand their own family relationships? It's a no brainer...
🙄

candlelightsatdawn · 05/11/2021 06:54

Some of the comments on here making me pretty certain some of you must be sniffing glue.

First family - If SC got offered to go to Disney with their maternal grandparents and younger half sibling was left behind. That would be fine and expected because life's unfair they can go at a later date

Second family - DS gets offered to go to Disney with their maternal grandparents and older SC can't come - OMG call social services it's abuse it has to be totally equal and If they don't go no child does.

Do you notice how the child of the second family always loses out. Ironically the SC have ALREADY gone to Disney before and had this experience.

If people want to be totally fair to all the children DS must be taken on all the family holiday that SC have gone on ever since birth. Sound ridiculous ? that's not possible, life isn't ... fair.

As I said some of you are on something I'm not because I dodo would be able to see the double standards here .

candlelightsatdawn · 05/11/2021 06:56

@Youseethethingis

People may pour scorn on *@TicTacHoh* joke about being told to remortgage to pay for step children but I have actually read this being suggested in all seriousness on a similar thread. Interest rates are low - why wouldn't you add to your mortgage rather than expect children to understand their own family relationships? It's a no brainer... 🙄

I think saw that one. The comments were nuts !

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 05/11/2021 07:02

Your ds has different grandparents and it's the grandparents making the trip happen so why would the step children have any expectations of going! Other people kids /grandkids get stuff you don't all the time, that's life. Being step sibling doesn't entitle you to acquire all their grandparents are able to offer. Your dh is being over protective and underestimating their ability to grasp this simple concept, and if he can't explain that nicely to the children so they see it reasonably and he doesn't incite upset then he's a fool.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 05/11/2021 07:03

'Being someone's step sibling' that should say

Evelyn52 · 05/11/2021 07:07

Oh just go and have a good time with your son and his grandparents, your DSC have their own families!

Magda72 · 05/11/2021 07:31

Tbf he hasn't said he doesn't thinkDs should go. Just said he's sad for DSC as he thinks they'll be upset they can't.go.
@KurlyJuly I haven't read the full thread but IMO herein lies your problem!
Your ds (& you) absolutely SHOULD go. What your parents choose to do with THEIR grandchild has nothing to do with the dsc & your husband needs to realise this.
Yes it's not easy on him or the dsc - but there are aspects of being blended that won't always be easy on you & your ds.

The dsc also need to be taught this; they have a different family set up to your ds.
It's up to your dh to manage this & it's adults like him who take this type of thing personally & then project it on to their dc who cause most of the trouble in blended families. If your ds going away with HIS gps is spun in a positive way the dsc will be fine. If it's spun in a negative way (which dp seems on track to do) then your dp is deliberately causing issues that don't even need to exist.

BadlyFormedQuestion · 05/11/2021 07:57

@Magda72

Tbf he hasn't said he doesn't thinkDs should go. Just said he's sad for DSC as he thinks they'll be upset they can't.go. *@KurlyJuly* I haven't read the full thread but IMO herein lies your problem! Your ds (& you) absolutely SHOULD go. What your parents choose to do with THEIR grandchild has nothing to do with the dsc & your husband needs to realise this. Yes it's not easy on him or the dsc - but there are aspects of being blended that won't always be easy on you & your ds. The dsc also need to be taught this; they have a different family set up to your ds. It's up to your dh to manage this & it's adults like him who take this type of thing personally & then project it on to their dc who cause most of the trouble in blended families. If your ds going away with HIS gps is spun in a positive way the dsc will be fine. If it's spun in a negative way (which dp seems on track to do) then your dp is deliberately causing issues that don't even need to exist.

This is absolutely right. The SC’a father has the power here to make things fine or upset everyone.

It is about being honest that the children have different families. There’s some overlap, but the fact is that each of the children have a family that looks different.

My eldest son has been on some really incredible holidays with his dad, that I couldn’t afford for my younger child. But it was never a problem because everyone just accepts that their family set ups are different (including them).

MzHz · 05/11/2021 08:16

@KurlyJuly

I'd wait until the 4 year old was older

It's not really up to me to decide everyone has to wait though. My parents have offered next year.

100% let them take him! Christ almighty have we learned NOTHING in all this Covid nightmare?

Nothing is guaranteed in life, they want to take him, he’s the perfect age for them to do that and your h can do something special with his kids together just them and him and they’ll have a great time!

vivainsomnia · 05/11/2021 08:21

Absolutely fine. The only circumstances that would made it not ok is if your oh went too.

My half sister went in holidays with her grandparents and I never felt jealous. I understood they were her grandparents not mine. They however always got us presents for Xmas and Easter quite equally.

Caelus · 05/11/2021 08:42

@PlanDeRaccordement absolute rubbish. It is people trying to pretend that blended families are somehow exactly the same as non-blended and that there aren't two existing families with existing relationships coming together that causes so much harm and resentment. Absolutely ridiculous to suggest that OP's son should not go on a special holiday with his grandparents and his cousins (or indeed that the DGPS should now miss out on the joy of taking him and spending that time with him) just because he now has step-siblings. They are a blended family and there will be times where they do things all together and times where they do things with their respective families separately, and that is exactly as it should be.

trumpisagit · 05/11/2021 08:47

DSC don't need to know all the details of the holiday.
Underplay it in front of DSC (holiday with grandparents).
DH could take them to legoland while you're away so they also have something to talk about when they get home.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/11/2021 09:07

[quote Caelus]**@PlanDeRaccordement* absolute rubbish. It is people trying to pretend that blended families are somehow exactly the same as non-blended and that there aren't two existing families with existing relationships coming together that causes so much harm and resentment. Absolutely ridiculous to suggest that OP's son should not go on a special holiday with his grandparents and his* cousins (or indeed that the DGPS should now miss out on the joy of taking him and spending that time with him) just because he now has step-siblings. They are a blended family and there will be times where they do things all together and times where they do things with their respective families separately, and that is exactly as it should be.[/quote]
? You must have me confused with another poster as I absolutely did not suggest that OPs son should not go on the holiday with the grandparents.

hellywelly3 · 05/11/2021 09:15

Let him go. My 3 children all have the same parents but still have different opportunities. My DD went away abroad with my SIL because she had a child the same age and thought it would be nice for them to go together. My other 2 missed out but I wasn’t going to prevent her from going. Every child is an individual they don’t come as a package.

ClaryFairchild · 05/11/2021 09:38

Not all blended families blend completely. My DSis remarried, and within her family her DC and her SDC are equal and visit just as often, are supported equally financially etc. when they were younger as a group they would visit the extended family on our side - they all lived 100% of the time in the same house. But my DN always visited us more than the SDN and if you visited them the DNs would sit and catch up with you but the SDN never did.

Now that they are older the SDN only rarely would visit our side of the family (if all the cousins are there they sometimes will join in) whereas the DNs will frequently visit, as a group or individually.

The SDNs just aren't as blended into the extended family as the DNs are, and that's not because of blood, there are adopted DC as well and they are considered absolutely equal to the others and see themselves as part of the extended family.

So if I was organising something, I wouldn't necessarily put myself out financially to the same extent for my SDNs who make no effort to see us, as I would for my DNS, who make a massive effort to spend time with us and in particular my DC (their cousins) even with an age gap of over a decade.

Starseeking · 06/11/2021 22:21

@KurlyJuly

Tbf he hasn't said he doesn't thinkDs should go. Just said he's sad for DSC as he thinks they'll be upset they can't.go.

It sounds like HE is the one upset that his DC can't go, they don't even know at present! It also depends on how he mentions it to them.
If he's all "I'm sorry, this is awful..." etc etc, then clearly they will feel sad. If he puts as positive a spin on it as possible "DS's grandparents are taking him away with his cousins as they're getting older..." the DSC are less likely to be bothered about not going. The DSC may barely know their stepmoms family, never mind want to go on holiday with them.

FliesAreMad · 07/11/2021 04:46

Of course DS should go. He should go even if you don’t go (as long as you’re happy for your parents to have him without you). The other kids are not your parents children, why would they be expected to pay for and take them places? You might have signed up for the stepparent thing but your husband’s kids have no connection to your parents.

MeridianB · 07/11/2021 07:26

You and your DS should absolutely go, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it for a second.

If the ex’s parents decided to take the DCSs to Disney, you wouldn’t expect them to include your son.

Of course some GPS are close to step DSCs but your are not, so it shouldn’t be an issue.

BananaPB · 07/11/2021 09:40

If you and your h were taking him then I'd say Yabu

But as it's your parents yanbu. If your h went then I'd think it strange though.

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