Can it ever work if you don't like you SC?

[StickyStuck1]

So I'm struggling with one of my SC and I've realised recently that I actually just don't like them very much. They are very difficult, rude and immature for their age. He is 8.

However, I am a SAHM to our joint DC which means I help a lot with SC.

Especially during the school holidays this just makes my time tedious when I am with him all day. I absolutely hate it and dread when he stays during the holidays because I'll be on my own with him (and other DC) all day.

I am starting back at work part time soon but still I'll have more availablity than DH and there will still be times I'll have to look after him especially during school holidays.

Half term has just been horrible. I feel incredibly resentful and just drained from being with him.

I think it can, yes, but then I don't help out a lot and have laid those boundaries out clearly with my DP. I think you need to discuss wanting to be less hands on with their dad.

Stop looking after him, he isn’t your responsibility

I don't really see how you can approach this without the issue becoming clear to everyone.
You've left it too late to fix this amicably.

I don't think it can work if you don't like his child.
It's strange that you're calling an 8 year old immature.

I don't have step children. But I have an 8 year old and I think you're being a bit harsh on the child here. They are not a teenager. Difficult, rude and immature are not words I would use to describe a child that young. My own DS can be hard work, but usually there is a reason behind his behaviour rather than just being difficult for the sake of it.

Does he behave like this with everyone or just you? Can you think of reasons why he may behave this way? How on board is his dad with him?

It all depends on whether or not your DP is a Disney dad who deflects all responsibility or not really. And even then the fault is with your DP, not the child.

It depends on your acting skills really! If you can look after the child and still let him feel liked and wanted and valued, then if you can put up with it for yourself, it can work.

If you can’t do a good enough job of pretending, then although you could still go through the motions of providing childcare, it won’t really ‘work’ like it’s supposed to. Children shouldn’t be looked after by people that don’t like them regularly for whole days at a time.

Why do you feel resentful of all things?

To be fair to OP she said immature for his age.

It can be difficult for some dc having multiple homes and they don't all respond well to it.

It doesn't sound like a great situation for you or sc to be in.
I'm not sure there is a great deal you can do except work towards a better relationship with sc. They are the ones with no control in the current situation.

Would you want to be with a man who couldn't stand your child?
No good parent would accept that life for their child so no, I don't think it can work unless the parent is a bad one.

No, I don't think you should be with someone if you don't like their children (unless your relationship doesn't involve spending time with their children). Its not fair on the child.

And as a parent, would you want someone parenting your child who does not like them? If its not good enough for your child, its not good enough for any child.

Both go part time and let his dad parent when he is there? 50 / 50 childcare during all holidays??

Other than that you might need to look at counselling for you as your description of an 8 year old is really strange .. 8 years old!!! Still in a car seat, years and years away from puberty and only just out of infant school.

@bothjetplanes

No, I don't think you should be with someone if you don't like their children (unless your relationship doesn't involve spending time with their children). Its not fair on the child. And as a parent, would you want someone parenting your child who does not like them? If its not good enough for your child, its not good enough for any child.

It is not so simple when there are joint children. Pack your bags and leave and bang, another set of fatherless kids.

This has to be worked through. Either a clear head and a sheet of paper, trying to spell out to yourself how precisely 'just william' is pissing you off - and how you can reframe his behaviour in a more positive light - or go to a counsellor to help you do it.

This is a helpful site:
www.getselfhelp.co.uk/problems/

Remember, he is only 8. There is time.

I'll try and explain a bit more about my description of him.

When I say difficult I don't mean he is purposefully being difficult. I mean he is hard to be around, he is very full on and can be very cheeky but to the point where it becomes not funny anymore and just irritating i.e. doing one thing continuously because he knows you want him to do the opposite etc... he is rude and can be mean, not just to adults but his siblings, can hit and be quite aggressive sometimes, not even just normal sibling arguments things like whacking them with a remote control, leaving scratches and bruises from pinches on them, that kind of thing.

I really am not the only one who struggles, even his own Mum gets really upset sometimes because of how much hard work he can be. He is exhausting to be around.

I was really happy to be a SAHM when we had our DC, I wanted to spend the time with them but now I've ended up essentially being a SAHM to him half the time too and it's horrible. I hate it. But I feel like I can't complain because DH needs to work so we can afford for me to be home. I've almost accepted it as just like a price I have to pay to get the other half of the week with our DC alone.

I have other DSC who are lovely and so different.

When I say immature I mean for his age, I appreciate he's not going to be mature in the adult sense but I don't remember any of his siblings being like this at his age. He will throw tantrums like a baby if he doesn't get his own way and honestly listening to it just makes me so irritated.

Other than that you might need to look at counselling for you as your description of an 8 year old is really strange

Depends on the family culture where OP was raised. Some families already have pretty adult expectations of 8 year olds - multiple tragedies in my family led to me being left alone to babysit at 5.

What you are describing isn’t him, it’s not who he is. These are behaviours that he is displaying as a result of whatever he’s feeling.

I wouldn’t expect you, or even his parents to know what to do to magically find out what the problem is and be able to rectify it but it does sound like you need to recognise that there is a reason for his behaviour that goes beyond him just being born difficult and rude.

It’s perfectly possible for an 8 year old to not be very likeable. Some people just aren’t, all through their lives. Other people are more likeable. Sometimes people act like children don’t actually have discernible personalities on MN - but they very much do. Occasionally you meet one that you just do not like much.

With SC, in particular, it’s sometimes the case that the child is not hugely likeable because his or her parent(s) allow them to behave in ways that aren’t very nice, and expect everyone else to just put up with it. As a SM, you aren’t parenting in most cases, because you are always not a parent and not quite able to do much about behaviours (for a whole host of reasons that are to do with the child’s parents). A SM is not going to like a child who is difficult, rude and immature for his age, especially when she might not have any real ability to improve this behaviour.

Regardless, the problem here sounds like you are being left in charge of your stepson a great deal. It sounds like his father needs to step up and do his own childcare (or reassess his contact arrangements to make sure he can look after his child). Even if you are a SAHM/work part time, that’s for your own child.

Can your partner find holiday clubs for his son to attend while he works in the school holidays, for example?

I've almost accepted it as just like a price I have to pay to get the other half of the week with our DC alone.

You said you’re returning to work PT. have you arranged this so that your days at home fall only when it’s just you and your DC?

How does this child behave at school? Is he displaying the same behaviours? Does the school have any concerns?

@StickyStuck1 what is the child's mother doing whilst you are looking after her Son?

I'm not a step mum. I don't think I would do well tbh. Your post is not OK though I can not stand to read things like this. Kids go through all types of stages and hav different personalities.

What doesn't sit right to me is. I don't think you would speak about your own child in the same manner.

I think you need to sit and speak with your OH.

With all the things in the news recently about how horrible step parents have treated their step children it makes me sad reading this... would you be with someone who couldn’t stand your child if you and your partner broke up? I wouldn’t be with someone who disliked my child

[quote BunNcheese]@StickyStuck1 what is the child's mother doing whilst you are looking after her Son?

I'm not a step mum. I don't think I would do well tbh. Your post is not OK though I can not stand to read things like this. Kids go through all types of stages and hav different personalities.

What doesn't sit right to me is. I don't think you would speak about your own child in the same manner.

I think you need to sit and speak with your OH.[/quote]
Working I'd assume, it's on DHs days that he is with me (during the school holidays).

What doesn't sit right to me is. I don't think you would speak about your own child in the same manner

No I likely wouldn't. Although I'm not sure that's unusual and I'm not sure what your point is? I think most people are quite a lot more tolerant (and blinkered) when it comes to their own children's behaviour.

No one speaks about their own children the same way they do about other people’s children (and SC are other people’s children who live in your house regularly).

I don’t think the OP has been especially mean about her SS here (I just think the idea that someone might not like a child has triggered the ‘won’t anyone think of the children?’ reflex). If anything, she’s probably been far more careful than she would if she were were describing her own child.

I’d be much more scathing about my own son if I were describing the kinds of behaviour the OP is. Violent and aggressive behaviour towards his siblings is a problem.

@TurnUpTurnip

With all the things in the news recently about how horrible step parents have treated their step children it makes me sad reading this... would you be with someone who couldn’t stand your child if you and your partner broke up? I wouldn’t be with someone who disliked my child

I don't treat him horribly at all, I really don't. But yes I don't enjoy being around him for the reasons I've mentioned. It's not nice I know, but it's honest.

Of course I would hate to think of someone speaking or feeling like this about my DC. I get that. It doesn't magically change how I feel though unfortunately.

Maybe I just have too high expectations but it's things like he'll call you ugly or fat for example or say he thinks you look stupid in that jacket or whatever (not just to me, with everyone and anyone). Yes he's 8 but that's too much for an 8 year old imo. His older siblings were never like that. I understand children are honest and sometimes just say things but he does it on purpose to be "nasty" because he thinks it's funny that's what I don't like.

I absolutely agree that it's a parenting issue too. He isn't pulled up on these things enough at all and is allowed to get away with far too much. I feel at a loss to change anything though when his parents don't and so it just ends up in me not liking being around him because of these behaviours that aren't dealt with.

It's hard to keep telling yourself "it's not his fault" over and over when you're having to deal with it.

Who looked after him around school before you were a SAHM? Sorry if I’ve missed it.

You wanted opinions and I given mine. OP.

The point is its not very nice. That you are looking after someone else child and speaking in such a manner. That is my point. You are an adult and he is 8.

Some of what you have mentioned is perfectly normal behaviour and if your kids are covered in bruises you need to intervene before it gets to that extent..

He's a child and he may not like you either. He may find it difficult to adapt to the situation.

You assume? So you don't actually know what your DSC mother is doing? There's holiday clubs perhaps the child is board!

If that's your attuided I'm not surprised OP