Can it ever work if you don't like you SC?

[StickyStuck1]

So I'm struggling with one of my SC and I've realised recently that I actually just don't like them very much. They are very difficult, rude and immature for their age. He is 8.

However, I am a SAHM to our joint DC which means I help a lot with SC.

Especially during the school holidays this just makes my time tedious when I am with him all day. I absolutely hate it and dread when he stays during the holidays because I'll be on my own with him (and other DC) all day.

I am starting back at work part time soon but still I'll have more availablity than DH and there will still be times I'll have to look after him especially during school holidays.

Half term has just been horrible. I feel incredibly resentful and just drained from being with him.

Marrying a man with kids doesn’t necessarily mean you are responsible for free child care for his existing offspring as soon as you have a child with him. Sorry but it doesn’t. I certainly won’t be a free for all because I’m here in the house on my maternity leave. Step mothers are allowed to set boundaries and that doesn’t mean we don’t want the child here or that we don’t include and love them. I just think it’s quite CF of the parents to assume that’s just how it’s going to be. Sorry sort your childcare yourself as a parent because it’s not down to me. I feel for you OP seems you’ve been expected to take this on, but on mumsnet stepmums seem to get bashed for expressing an honest opinion that in any way goes against seeing the little darling scs as anything but angels

Some children are more hard work than others so it's OK to recognise that. Sometimes it's personality, future leaders are a nightmare to parent I've heard but very boisterous or strong characters are not the only tricky personality. Sometimes it's sub optimum parenting, or a combination.
I think you've been very measured in your posts op so don't think there is any criticism to made of you here.
Not many children enjoy being unlikeable though, so when you find a kid doing stuff like this there is almost always a cause. Whether it's developmental or a cry for attention or jealousy or what.

People walk away from tough situations all the time. Even walk away from their own children! It does happen, this kind of thing can break people and obviously everyone's coping threshold is different. Children who are harder to parent for some reason sometimes, sadly, are in families with parents not strong enough to shoulder the challenge, sometimes they are. Some parents cope with astonishing amounts of difficulty and don't walk away, as one pp on here is doing.

If his behaviour is often horrible this isn't going to get any better when at least one parent is in denial about it and able to keep being so cos the load falls on someone else's shoulders. Your dh could be the key to alleviating the toll of this on you but while he won't hear a word about it or enforce form clear boundaries you're left trying to nail blancmange to the ceiling and he's being very blasé to assume this will just slide off you.

The ss's mum, your dh and you could doubtless probably achieve some improvements with a clear recognition of the issues and a united strategy. It would be in everyone's interests to do this. But while your struggle is dismissed because you're not his biological parent, even though you are doing some pretty heavy lifting of the actual parenting time being invested in him, and your dh is only interested in being defensive, you're going to see No change at all, and if anything it could get worse as he gets older and hormones and a realisation he can play you all off one anther kicks in.

If your dh keeps on his blinkers and refuses to listen he could drive this unfortunate situation into an untenable and irretrievable one. Surely he can see you care and are doing your best. Unless he is mistrustful of your motives (and I can't see why he should be) he is a fool to brook no conversation with one of the very people who is essential to his sons well being.

You are attempting to find answers while your dh denied there is even a question, so if this does break your family its on him.

You have your own children to fight for though so given this rock and hard place predicament it's be trying to work with ss mum to try to create Team Improve Things.

@BadlyFormedQuestion

I would disagree that the SC are the OP’s ‘dependents’. They have two parents who have all the parental responsibility.

She only has to treat her SC like she would a friend’s child.

I don't think OPs step son is her dependent but OPS baby is his sibling

That is the complicated dynamic here.

If your dh keeps on his blinkers and refuses to listen he could drive this unfortunate situation into an untenable and irretrievable one.

This is what my H did. Even without blinkers, he just pretends that he can’t do anything about his children’s behaviour because of their mother’s influence.

It’s hard and heartbreaking. I hope your DH can actually acknowledge the problem and work with you to solve it.

I don't think OPs step son is her dependent but OPS baby is his sibling

Half sibling, with a shared father. It doesn’t change the fact that his stepmother is not his mother. And that makes a big difference.

Stepfamilies are complicated.

*I don't think OPs step son is her dependent but OPS baby is his sibling

That is the complicated dynamic here.*

It's doesn't really have any effect on the step parents relationship with their step child.

In terms of what you can do, I don't know how well something like Relate/couples' counselling handles step-family situations? I don't think the situation is going to be resolved by e.g. having the DSC go into childcare rather than being at home when you are home, although it this give you a breather! Or trying to come to an arrangement whereby your DSC is with his mother more of the time -- your DH is not doing his share of the custody if the DSC are with you during his periods of responsibility.

@BadlyFormedQuestion

I don't think OPs step son is her dependent but OPS baby is his sibling

Half sibling, with a shared father. It doesn’t change the fact that his stepmother is not his mother. And that makes a big difference.

Stepfamilies are complicated.

Half or full it doesn't really make that much difference since OP has been lumbered with a lot of the childcare.

Like I said a half sibling is not comparable to your friends kid. If you don't get along with your friends child or the kids. You wouldn't meet up any longer.

@BadlyFormedQuestion

I don't think OPs step son is her dependent but OPS baby is his sibling

Half sibling, with a shared father. It doesn’t change the fact that his stepmother is not his mother. And that makes a big difference.

Stepfamilies are complicated.

I know that. Read the whole thread.

@erinaceus

In terms of what you can do, I don't know how well something like Relate/couples' counselling handles step-family situations? I don't think the situation is going to be resolved by e.g. having the DSC go into childcare rather than being at home when you are home, although it this give you a breather! Or trying to come to an arrangement whereby your DSC is with his mother more of the time -- your DH is not doing his share of the custody if the DSC are with you during his periods of responsibility.

In my experience, relate are appalling. Particularly on stepfamily issues.

There are more specialist counsellors who might be of some use. But going to relate you risk getting a counsellor with precisely no understanding of stepfamily dynamics.

OP. His your step child's mother needs to start using holiday clubs like a lot of single parents do!

Why is it up to mum to sort childcare on dads time? If the OP isn't happy having her SS as often as she is then Dad needs to find alternate arrangements.

I assume he's paying his ex to look after their children (she will also get money from the government. CMS isn't a wage for looking after a child. It's a contribution towards the costs of having them. And nice assumption that Mum claims benefits.

@StickyStuck1 your SS sounds a lot like my nephew who is being assessed for ADHD. Blended families are hard. My own DCs Step Mum treats them like crap. You sound like you're trying your best. But ultimately your DH needs to make alternative arrangements before you end up hating the SS and leaving.

Everyone gets child benefit @CiaoForDiNiaoSaur
Every mum except step mums of course

Except high earners who don't. Or do but have to pay it back. And I know single mums who earn enough not to qualify for it.

EVERYONE can claim child benefit no matter what they earn.

@Carolinesyear

EVERYONE can claim child benefit no matter what they earn.

No they can’t. Or they can, but have to pay it all back.

Yes. Until they earn over the threshold and have to pay it back via tax.

Why is it up to mum to sort childcare on dads time?*

I'm a single parent myself. By no means do I think any man should get let off the hook here.

But from reading OP... something has gone a miss here. I feel for the poor child! There's nothing to suggest that the father wouldn't pay for a holiday scheme is there? Anyway the point OP is saying is she dislikes him. So it's unhealthy. What else do you suggest?

This isn't working the current situation. I would not want my child being left with a step mum is she was struggling and OP said the mother struggles herself too so something has to give.

Ok firstly I actually think you have been rather brave posting this so well done.

Secondly to the people clutching on to their pearls going "omg think of the children" give over. Your a parent, every parent has had moments of omg my lord my kid is treading on my last nerve I need a break (and that's with the biological pull that stops you eating them alive) op doesn't have that. Just because she's a SM doesn't mean that she can avoid that trap and it doesn't mean at some point she won't have that moment with her DC. She hasn't been mean she's been honest

Being a SAHM is hard bloody work, idk if I could do it full time. I go to work to have a break feom the kids as much as I love them. Made harder by the fact if one of the kids you have to watch that there's a personality clash. That happens in non blended families too. Shocking I know to admit out loud someone call SS 🙄

I think actually that contact should be when he sees his dad, what's happening is actually your a glorified baby sitter that has no control over changing any behaviours as they have been set by his parents . You also don't have the hormonal connection that stops you getting annoyed by bad behaviour so you need to be a bit kinder to yourself. His behaviour maybe due to the fact that actually, although I'm sure your great, he might just prefer time with his dad (I mean this in a kindly way)

Personally i would go back to work part time and let DH either deal with parenting on his contact time/flex work or work out a suitable childcare. Contact time is for dads or mums. No wonder your resentful, and probably so is DSS. You have a DH problem here, esp as your reaping the behaviours you didn't sow.

Give yourself a break, I would have a nosy to see if DSS isn't neotypical. My DSD regularly spooks me with some of the stuff she does and says, I mean really but when I was told the issues I was like ah ok. Doesn't make certain conversations easier to deal with but it does help offer a explanation and I now see it as a "quirk" rather than just annoying.

Also 8 is a really annoying age. Really annoying I'm sure someone else posted about her son of 8 just getting on her last nerve too. Might be a boy thing.

You don't have to like everyone you encounter or in your own family, but you should be kind to them and enforce boundaries with DH and SDS. Remember his behaviours are not a reflection on your parenting, it's a reflection of his parents parenting.

@BunNcheese

* Why is it up to mum to sort childcare on dads time?*

I'm a single parent myself. By no means do I think any man should get let off the hook here.

But from reading OP... something has gone a miss here. I feel for the poor child! There's nothing to suggest that the father wouldn't pay for a holiday scheme is there? Anyway the point OP is saying is she dislikes him. So it's unhealthy. What else do you suggest?

This isn't working the current situation. I would not want my child being left with a step mum is she was struggling and OP said the mother struggles herself too so something has to give.

If you read the rest of my post you'd see that I suggest Dad make alternative arrangements. I didnt say OP should continue struggling on.

Unfortunately I was the hated stepchild and it’s pretty obvious when someone you are living with everyday does not like you. It’s affected me even to adulthood.

However, based on what you’ve said. I think you owe it to your family to try to make it work. The reality is, as a previous poster has pointed out, the last thing you want here is another broken home, new relationships, new half/ step children. It’s incredibly damaging and messy.

My advice would be that you need his parents to be pro active. Seek support. He is just an unhappy child who has been through a lot, a new sibling and new relationships (possibly on both sides).

I would make a point to spend some quality time with him, his Dad needs to as well. Talk to his Dad about the behaviour- don’t frame it as an attack on his character, say you feel he is unhappy/ insecure and you need to find a solution for all of you.

I hope you are able to work it out.

If she's earning over the amount to pay back a portion (I repeat, a portion ) then it's even more upsetting for the OP knowing that her time which should be used to raise her own child in a safe and friendly environment without the influence of a what only can be described as a bully while her DH and bio mum are advancing their career and savings at her expense.

some people have to pay back all of their CB. Some of these people are single parents.

If Mum (no need for the bio, she's the mum) is a high earner, or even if she's not and spends her days without the DC sleeping and shagging around, the fact remains that dad (should that be bio dad?) Is responsible for sorting childcare on his days. If OP is no longer able/willing to do that then Dad needs to find another solution.
Of course that solution could be asking Mum to switch contact days so his fall on his days off. But she's well within her rights to say no.

@BadlyFormedQuestion I thought that might be the case RE Relate; it hadn't occurred to me that there might be specialist counsellors but of course that makes sense.

Whether going to discuss the situation with a counsellor, or even just discussing the necessity for doing so with OP's DH, would help him to empathise with her situation or not I am not sure.

It sounds like what you are actually disliking is his behaviour, him not being corrected, and you being forced to be a SAHM to your DSC, while your DH skips off to work.

The situation is breeding the resentment, which has got worse over the years because nothing is being done to address the behaviour, and if your DH doesn't row back on his defensiveness, nothing will change.

All depends on who is the resident parent @CiaoForDiNiaoSaur, if bio dad is paying bio mum although he has moral responsibility you can't force him to take the kids, sounds like his career is more important to him.
If bio mum is earning more than 60,000 a year then she can afford child care. I'll work on the assumption that she's not earning this though because I'm not obtuse