Can it ever work if you don't like you SC?

[StickyStuck1]

So I'm struggling with one of my SC and I've realised recently that I actually just don't like them very much. They are very difficult, rude and immature for their age. He is 8.

However, I am a SAHM to our joint DC which means I help a lot with SC.

Especially during the school holidays this just makes my time tedious when I am with him all day. I absolutely hate it and dread when he stays during the holidays because I'll be on my own with him (and other DC) all day.

I am starting back at work part time soon but still I'll have more availablity than DH and there will still be times I'll have to look after him especially during school holidays.

Half term has just been horrible. I feel incredibly resentful and just drained from being with him.

What would you do if you were a childminder and he wasn't your SC?

You gave up your job to be a SAHP and a childminder to SC.

Another point...you can't force anyone to look after any children, it's all about if you feel morally responsible. I don't think OP should feel morally responsible, she didn't birth them and their parents are still alive and active. Op is doing her DH a massive favour without any of the good parts of parenthood. If DH left OP she would have no rights to see those kids ever again! How can anyone build a bond like that with their own children with this hanging over them? No rights yet all the responsibility f@"k that

Could you get PR?

@KirstenBlest

Could you get PR?

PR?

Parental Responsibility

link

@Carolinesyear

Another point...you can't force anyone to look after any children, it's all about if you feel morally responsible. I don't think OP should feel morally responsible, she didn't birth them and their parents are still alive and active. Op is doing her DH a massive favour without any of the good parts of parenthood. If DH left OP she would have no rights to see those kids ever again! How can anyone build a bond like that with their own children with this hanging over them? No rights yet all the responsibility f@"k that

I absolutely agree.

@KirstenBlest how would that help

@KirstenBlest

Parental Responsibility

I'm not sure why I'd do that?

Basically you are being treated as a nanny, one who can't reprimand the SC because it would make you the bad guy.

While the SC is in your sole care, you are effectively parenting him, so should be able to do what a parent would do.

As you are not a nanny, PR would give you some legal connection with the SC. Your DH and you should be a team.,
Your SS is getting away with it because he is the baby for his DP, but he is not the baby in your family

SS's behaviour will affect your child. He is your child's half-sibling and always will be. If you split from the father, as it is you could have no connection with SS, but your DC will.

It wouldn't help, but it would give you a legal right to discipline the child.

It sounds like nobody is disciplining him as things are.

The undisciplined half-sibling, or in MN's eyes sibling, will be a big factor in your DC's life, and not in a good way.

by discipline I mean guide his behaviour, teach him what's acceptable behaviour and so on.

Step-parenting isn't easy, basically you are expected to love a child as if he or she is your own, but with no legal connection.

People commenting on this post who aren't step parents just shouldn't. You have no idea.

Not a step-parent but no longer have any connection or contact with XP's DC.

You have tried

Your SC is not your responsibility

Let your husband know that you will look after your SC now and then but not as a regular thing

You are not the SC mother, you have no responsibility, not allowed to parent him and if things ended now you wouldn't have any right to see him again all this while your husband and ex get to have their careers.

You didn't choose to have your SC your husband and ex did so it's up to them to provide childcare

You haven't done anything wrong but tried your best and your child and mental health matters too

*I could have gone back to work, we could have afforded to pay for nursery. I didn't want to though and he was happy with that but made it clear it was more because I wanted that rather than feeling it was necessary for our family if that makes sense.

That's why I feel like I have no choice but to do this childcare because how can I say no when he's out working so I can be at home with our DC?*

I actually think this is desperately sad for you @StickyStuck1. You want to be with your young dc & you're being made feel awful about it.
To all the people shrieking that if op chooses to stay at home with HER dc then she is obligated to mind dss I say a mighty f**k off!
Dss has TWO parents and contact is to be spent with PARENTS. If op's dp cannot spend the majority of his contact time with HIS dc then he shouldn't have him as much as he has them.
I'm rp for my dc. Only one is under 18 now but they all only went to their dads when HE was available to be with them. Of course sm filled in the gaps but she has her own dc & our dc are my & my exh's responsibility - no one else's. Exh had to make time for them (giving up hobbies etc.) & I had to freelance so I could do majority care. That's what parents do!
Guilting op into being free childcare is disgusting imo & neither parent should be doing it.
I cannot stand this attitude that once a sm or sd comes along that somehow the parents should get a chance to kick back and take a break from parenting.
This is a difficult child for whatever reason & both parents should be tackling this instead of crying to op & going on the defensive.
As an aside @StickyStuck1 - take this from someone who's been there, done that & worn the T-shirt - get back to work as soon as you can & reclaim your life. Being a sahm is all very well but to many people you disappear & just become an extension of the kids & the house (& in your case the dsc) & you can end up being taken for granted by everyone who all believe that somehow their time is more important than yours!

It is a perfectly possible solution to say that OP refuses to look after dsc and ask her DH to sort alternative care.
There are two downsides to this approach, one is emotional OP's DH is unlikely to be thrilled about this.

The second is that if DH has to fund two different childcare situations one for dsc and the other for new baby there won't be enough of his money to cover fully supporting OP to stay at home.

It would be more realistic to look for clubs that dsc might enjoy to relieve some of the pressure and look to modify everyone's parenting to manage dsc more effectively.

There are no easy perfect solutions but it should be possible to work something out that works better for everyone.

@KirstenBlest

Basically you are being treated as a nanny, one who can't reprimand the SC because it would make you the bad guy.

While the SC is in your sole care, you are effectively parenting him, so should be able to do what a parent would do.

As you are not a nanny, PR would give you some legal connection with the SC. Your DH and you should be a team.,
Your SS is getting away with it because he is the baby for his DP, but he is not the baby in your family

SS's behaviour will affect your child. He is your child's half-sibling and always will be. If you split from the father, as it is you could have no connection with SS, but your DC will.

You don't know much about how PR works or what is involved in it being obtained do you? Are you suggesting that OP makes an application to court for a step parent adoption, which would remove the PR from the child's actual mother? Because that is the only route to obtain PR as a step parent. And obviously is completely irrelevant to this situation.

@StickyStuck1 I think it’s ok to struggle with this situation, be honest about how you feel about sc and ask for advice.

Some people might think this is awful but sometimes teachers and nursery staff will have a child in their class or group that they really don’t like. It sounds awful but it happens. The teacher or the nursery staff member will treat that child with the same level of care, interest and respect as they would for the other children. They hide their dislike. It is important for children to feel valued and liked.

It is possible to care about someone when you don’t really like them if you remember that they are a person of equal value and separate who they are from what they do. (What they do is annoying, who they are is a valued, unique human being).

Separate the behaviour from the child. It’s ok to say I don’t like it when you pinch me, hit me, scream at me etc.

There is always a reason behind behaviour and it can be helpful to find out what it is.

Sometimes redirecting a child to an activity they like can distract them from misbehaving and give you a little break.
Good luck @StickyStuck1
It’s hard work being a stay at home mum

I don’t think you can tell your dh you won’t be looking after his ds if he is financially supporting the family whilst you are a SAHM.

I understand where you are coming from because I have a very difficult nearly 8 year old and I can imagine it would be very hard to tolerate some of his behaviour without the massive amount of unconditional love I feel for him as his mum. I can imagine that at 3/4 years old the behaviour that he displayed was age-appropriate but as he’s got older it hasn’t improved and he hasn’t emotionally matured in the way you might expect. It might be worth trying to push his dad to speak to the school about possible SEN because it does sound familiar from that perspective (I’m abroad and not sure how you’d address that in the U.K. though).

I think trying to use some holiday camps is a good idea and doesn’t need to be seen as a negative thing. Lots of SAHP use holiday camps, they aren’t just for working parents. I use them because I have multiple children of different ages and it can be hard to keep them all entertained over the 8 week summer here. Would that make the situation bearable or have you passed that point now?

Lots of silly posts on here.
Fitstly, it is totally normal to dislike other people's children. Most humans do not like or love other people's children half as much as they love their own flesh and blood.
Secondly, you have a Dh problem here and it's huge. How great for your dh to enjoy his well paid, rewarding job, whilst pissing off and leaving you with his nightmare child.
I knew before reading it that this child would be the youngest of the brood, 100% knew it.
Next, Claxton alert.....some kids are vile just as some people are vile. Another poster said it and it's true. Not everyone's kid is a delightful little angel.
If I were you, and quite frankly I'm glad I'm not, I would speak to your dh. Tell him he needs to sort his child's behaviour out asap, it is unacceptable. Then list succinctly the things he has done. Let that sink in with your dh and wait for his reaction. If he trys to defend the behaviour for example by saying "All 8 year olds call adults a fat bitch." Say nothing for a minute, leave it hanging in they air then reply "No they do not. " Calmly let him hear what you are saying. If he defends this behaviour them I would say well I'm not putting up with it so in future in the holidays you will need to arrange to look after him.
Make plans on the days your dh has lumbered you with him. Tell your dh in advance so he knows he has to sort out his own child.
He is very much a Disney dad isn't he. Left when the child was 1, passes on parental responsibility to the women in his life. Would rather be out working during school holidays than parenting his own child. Makes you feel grateful for the fact you work part time, whilst truth be known he would rather die than reduce his working hours to have to parent his difficult child. Yep he's framed it as being the big hero out working so that wifey can stay at home with her chld, but that's the kicker, HER CHILD not all the other kids. Yep, you are free childcare.
If on the off chance he agrees that his son's behaviour needs challenging then there is hope. But, it absolutely should not be up to you to instigate the changes in this behaviuor it has to come from his father. Sadly for you op I have a feeling this is unlikely.
If your dh gets to pull the 'If I reduce my hours we will have less money' routine tell him yes that's right, you will need to start making your own lunch instead of buying it out and Sky sports will have to go but you will spend more time with your family so it will be worth it, all with a big smile on your face.
Arrange days out with your child, tell your dh and stick to it!
If he gets nasty then that is the man you have married, a nasty piece of work who does not give a damn about his own son.
Finally, this is why I would never have married a man who already had young children. Dated yes, moved in with, absolutely not. You read about this all the time in here how new wife becomes free nanny.
Good luck op.

Magda72 speaks total sense.

I don’t think you can tell your dh you won’t be looking after his ds if he is financially supporting the family whilst you are a SAHM.

But the op is making it easier for him to have a career by caring for their joint child at home. If she didn’t, he may not be able to earn as much which means he wouldn’t be able to pay as much in maintenance for dss. So let’s not pretend the OP is doing nothing for the family. She’s not on some jolly while he works and dss isn’t some poor soul being forgotten about.

I think many SMs (myself included) missed the bit in the marriage vows that said you’d be their unpaid nanny for children that aren’t yours. Wait, no. That’s because it wasn’t there.

Before I left my H, I had many months of ‘you’re on maternity leave/you’re my wife/you’re their stepmother… so you must just do all the housekeeping and childcare, [regardless that I will not support you, and will actively undermine you and get angry at you got objecting to the poor behaviour of the children I had with my ex]’. It was intolerable.

I was on maternity leave. Leave the government makes provision for so that mothers can recover from birth and bond with their baby. But apparently that meant I should be childcare for him and his ex whenever it suited them. Often with no notice. The pair of them choose to allow their children to behave in ways that are intolerable.

Now he has to look after his children on his own and, guess what, he doesn’t like the way they behave. No shit Sherlock. However, he’s unwilling to take responsibility for it. Apparently he can’t do anything because they spend most of their time with their mother. 🙄

Which is to say, it’s totally ok to be a SAHM to your child.

The problem is that your husband may think he’s entitled to childcare for his other children because you are looking after your shared child.

It might be easier when you do start back at work. You can organize your hours so that you get plenty of time with your baby, and he can figure out his childcare for his other children.

OP it's perfectly normal to find 8 year old boys annoying, my dss is 8 and also very teenage like in his attitude and behaviour. My dh also gets defensive but he does see that his son is like he is because of the way he parents. I nacho/disengage a lot and only look after him rarely and when dh is completely stuck. Dh has to ask me as it's not a given and does parent more than your dh does.

I feel like you've got yourself stuck and everyone is seeing you as the person who does the childcare. You are going to have to pull your big girl pants on and talk to DH in a calm way. He's probably not going to like it, don't get drawn into an argument about it, calmly state that you can no longer provide childcare for his dc. If you give loads of reasons why then he will try to argue the point. Think of one reason and stick with it. You deserve to be happy, you do not have to sacrifice your happiness for your sdc.