Page 2 | Can it ever work if you don't like you SC?

StickyStuck1 · 2021-11-01T15:59:25+00:00

So I'm struggling with one of my SC and I've realised recently that I actually just don't like them very much. They are very difficult, rude and immature for their age. He is 8. However, I am a SAHM to our joint DC which means I help a lot with SC. Especially during the school holidays this just makes my time tedious when I am with him all day. I absolutely hate it and dread when he stays during the holidays because I'll be on my own with him (and other DC) all day. I am starting back at work part time soon but still I'll have more availablity than DH and there will still be times I'll have to look after him especially during school holidays. Half term has just been horrible. I feel incredibly resentful and just drained from being with him.

BunNcheese · 01/11/2021 16:56

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Would you want to be with a man who couldn't stand your child? No good parent would accept that life for their child so no, I don't think it can work unless the parent is a bad one.

This

TurnUpTurnip · 01/11/2021 16:56

Hmm sounds a lot like my son who is 9 who has autism, does he had additional needs? Sounds like a possibility and would explain the acting immature thing 🤨 poor kid hope none of yours are difficult when they get older

BadlyFormedQuestion · 01/11/2021 16:56

@TurnUpTurnip

With all the things in the news recently about how horrible step parents have treated their step children it makes me sad reading this... would you be with someone who couldn’t stand your child if you and your partner broke up? I wouldn’t be with someone who disliked my child

This just isn’t helpful to the OP in the least.

She has outlined a problem and asked for some advice. Not to be compared to people who abuse children.

If you want people to like your children; do your best to help them to become likeable. If they are currently hard work for you, triple that for people who aren’t looking at them with maternal goggles on.

My eldest son is lovely in lots of ways. But he’s frustrating and lazy. I’m sure his SM finds it hard to tolerate. I sympathise with her. If he were aggressive towards other children in the house (for example), I would not expect a SM to feel positively about him.

Original poster

StickyStuck1 · 01/11/2021 16:58

@BunNcheese

You wanted opinions and I given mine. OP.

The point is its not very nice. That you are looking after someone else child and speaking in such a manner. That is my point. You are an adult and he is 8.

Some of what you have mentioned is perfectly normal behaviour and if your kids are covered in bruises you need to intervene before it gets to that extent..

He's a child and he may not like you either. He may find it difficult to adapt to the situation.

You assume? So you don't actually know what your DSC mother is doing? There's holiday clubs perhaps the child is board!

If that's your attuided I'm not surprised OP

Of course it's not nice. I've never suggested it's nice that I feel this way. I don't want to feel this way. I didn't realise we had to only write nice things on here though.

Of course I assume what his mother is doing. She is likely working but as it's not her time to have the DC I don't quiz her on where she is. She is probably working but even if she's not it's irrelevant isn't it? it's the time DC are supposed to be with us not her. We are always told on her it's irrelevant what Mum does on dad's time, now I apparently have an attitude for not making sure I know exactly what she's doing 🤣

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erinaceus · 01/11/2021 16:58

Is the arrangement such that you parent him as you do your own children, or is the relationship a bit more distant? I suppose I am thinking along the lines of discipline are you able to respond to his tantrums in the way you would respond to one of your own children behaving like that? And the reverse, too is he expected to respond to you as his parent?

If you are alone with him all day, and do not have the authority to support him in developing appropriate behaviours, I can see that would be massively wearing and I am not sure how sustainable it is.

Clementineapples · 01/11/2021 16:59

If his parents expect you to provide childcare I would up the discipline. The rules are the rules. If your child hit out what would their punishment be?

I grew up in a step family, it can work but is difficult. My step brothers got away with everything because they weren’t with us full time. One step brother hated my mum and was fucking horrible. My brother hated my step dad and was fucking horrible. It was stressful for everyone. However when the kids had grown my parents were very happy.

funinthesun19 · 01/11/2021 17:00

It can work if people don’t expect too much of you and the father doesn’t pile everything on to you.

At the moment you’re doing way too much. You look after him during the holidays and I bet you look after him at weekends and do school runs too don’t you?
Plus, because you’re working part time people see you as having more availability to do all things dss related. This is not right.
Until this is all nipped in the bud, the resentment will grow. You’re a sahm to your own child which allows your dh to work and not have to limit his own career in order to look after his child with you. This means he is able to pay maintenance and provide for his son with his ex. Could he use some of that money to pay for holiday clubs/after school clubs? Can he change his hours if he’s working on contact days so it’s not left to you?

Original poster

StickyStuck1 · 01/11/2021 17:00

@erinaceus

Is the arrangement such that you parent him as you do your own children, or is the relationship a bit more distant? I suppose I am thinking along the lines of discipline are you able to respond to his tantrums in the way you would respond to one of your own children behaving like that? And the reverse, too is he expected to respond to you as his parent?

If you are alone with him all day, and do not have the authority to support him in developing appropriate behaviours, I can see that would be massively wearing and I am not sure how sustainable it is.

Hmm DH would say that I am allowed to but in reality he's incredibly defensive of him. He's the "baby" and DH struggles to hear or accept anything remotely negative about his behaviour.

He is like this with both DH and his Mum though (who has previously been in tears to us about how much she struggles with him as well) so he doesn't respond any differently to me than he does with his parents.

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BunNcheese · 01/11/2021 17:02

OP why are you on the defence? I asked where the childs mother is because I wanted to know why you were left to look after him as well as your own children.

Hence me asking what your SC mother was doing

Not everyone half's the school holidays I think she has quite a good deal... anyway like the other poster asked too... what did the dad do before you was a SAHM

Clementineapples · 01/11/2021 17:03

Hmm DH would say that I am allowed to but in reality he's incredibly defensive of him.

Then he can have him 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

StickyStuck1 · 01/11/2021 17:04

@BunNcheese

OP why are you on the defence? I asked where the childs mother is because I wanted to know why you were left to look after him as well as your own children.

Hence me asking what your SC mother was doing

Not everyone half's the school holidays I think she has quite a good deal... anyway like the other poster asked too... what did the dad do before you was a SAHM

Yes and I answered saying at work I assume. I wasn't being sarcastic I meant I assume that's where she is which you then answered with

You assume? So you don't actually know what your DSC mother is doing? There's holiday clubs perhaps the child is board!

Family members helped out a lot more previously. I think they are reluctant to now though, they were getting a bit too old as it were so now with the break from having to do it I think it would be hard to get them to agree again.

OP posts:

BadlyFormedQuestion · 01/11/2021 17:07

Hmm DH would say that I am allowed to but in reality he's incredibly defensive of him. He's the "baby" and DH struggles to hear or accept anything remotely negative about his behaviour.

This is no surprise at all.

IME of these boards, what appears to be a SM not liking her SC is actually an ineffective father who won’t ensure that his child behaves in ways that don’t make his wife’s life very hard, and who expects his wife to take on all the responsibility but without the necessary authority.

verymiddleaged · 01/11/2021 17:08

Maybe some holiday clubs based around sc interests would help take some of the pressure off.

Also reading parenting books like the explosive child might help give some new strategies that you and DH together could sign up to.

peppersauce1984 · 01/11/2021 17:09

Is the still adjusting to the relationship breakdown of his parents?

erinaceus · 01/11/2021 17:09

@StickyStuck1 I think that's the point that's really intractable. The problem is less that you find being around your SC difficult and more that you are powerless if your DH does not see his behaviour as a problem. It is not enough for you to be "allowed to" -- you and his Dad would need to work together, or at the very least his Dad needs to back you up 100%, otherwise you are working against two people.

Can you, your DH and his Mum work together to make some changes? I think you need to discuss with your DH how difficult this is.

FawnFrenchieMum · 01/11/2021 17:10

You've avoided the question about what he is like at school? At lot of the behaviours you have described do sound as though there could be some ASD/ADHD being displayed especially as the other DSC don't behave in the same way so unlikely to be totally parent driven.

Playingoutinthedark · 01/11/2021 17:10

@StickyStuck1

Maybe I just have too high expectations but it's things like he'll call you ugly or fat for example or say he thinks you look stupid in that jacket or whatever (not just to me, with everyone and anyone). Yes he's 8 but that's too much for an 8 year old imo. His older siblings were never like that. I understand children are honest and sometimes just say things but he does it on purpose to be "nasty" because he thinks it's funny that's what I don't like.

I absolutely agree that it's a parenting issue too. He isn't pulled up on these things enough at all and is allowed to get away with far too much. I feel at a loss to change anything though when his parents don't and so it just ends up in me not liking being around him because of these behaviours that aren't dealt with.

It's hard to keep telling yourself "it's not his fault" over and over when you're having to deal with it.

Bingo! The parents don't pull him up on his crappy behaviour. What a surprise.

Original poster

StickyStuck1 · 01/11/2021 17:12

@FawnFrenchieMum

You've avoided the question about what he is like at school? At lot of the behaviours you have described do sound as though there could be some ASD/ADHD being displayed especially as the other DSC don't behave in the same way so unlikely to be totally parent driven.

Sorry not avoided just missed. I don't think there have been lots of issues at school but there have been a few occasions. Namely where DH or his Mum have been called because he's been in a fight, that kind of thing.

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verymiddleaged · 01/11/2021 17:12

Like FawnFrenchie I would consider a little more where the behaviors are coming from if the other dc in the family don't display them.
It may just be individual experiences within the family unit but there may be additional needs adding to the situation.

inmyslippers · 01/11/2021 17:12

I think it's abit late now you've already blended. Could you make a point of spending quality time together? Nice days out, find and focus on his good qualities. You're the adult here

RandomMess · 01/11/2021 17:12

As his Mum also struggles with him I'd be insisting that DH talks to her and they get professional input.

It could be undiagnosed SEN meaning he goes above and beyond to attention seek, it could be any attention is better than none but the sooner there is some intervention the better for him.

I would definitely be getting DH to find holiday clubs for his DS to attend and to agree consequences for bad behaviour with his ex so there are similar boundaries in both homes.

Original poster

StickyStuck1 · 01/11/2021 17:12

I'd actually say he's very shy and quiet until you get to know him. Once he knows you, that's when these behaviours come out.

OP posts:

BadlyFormedQuestion · 01/11/2021 17:13

@FawnFrenchieMum

You've avoided the question about what he is like at school? At lot of the behaviours you have described do sound as though there could be some ASD/ADHD being displayed especially as the other DSC don't behave in the same way so unlikely to be totally parent driven.

The child has two parents though. It’s unlikely that they are going to want his SM insisting it’s SN (which her husband may well hear as ‘something wrong with my precious baby’).

The thing about being a SM is that they are not your children. If their parents aren’t worried about ASD, there’s nothing you can do.

RobinPenguins · 01/11/2021 17:14

Is it new behaviour? You liked him enough previously to have children with his dad, what’s changed? Might identifying this be a route to tackling the behaviour?

aSofaNearYou · 01/11/2021 17:16

@Scissor

Both go part time and let his dad parent when he is there? 50 / 50 childcare during all holidays??

Other than that you might need to look at counselling for you as your description of an 8 year old is really strange .. 8 years old!!! Still in a car seat, years and years away from puberty and only just out of infant school.

Counselling? How utterly ridiculous. There was nothing remotely excessive or unusual in OPs description of her DSS.