Can it ever work if you don't like you SC?

[StickyStuck1]

So I'm struggling with one of my SC and I've realised recently that I actually just don't like them very much. They are very difficult, rude and immature for their age. He is 8.

However, I am a SAHM to our joint DC which means I help a lot with SC.

Especially during the school holidays this just makes my time tedious when I am with him all day. I absolutely hate it and dread when he stays during the holidays because I'll be on my own with him (and other DC) all day.

I am starting back at work part time soon but still I'll have more availablity than DH and there will still be times I'll have to look after him especially during school holidays.

Half term has just been horrible. I feel incredibly resentful and just drained from being with him.

Or renegotiate contact to whatever he’s actually willing and able to facilitate.

It makes me so cross that so many men try to maximise ‘contact’ only to palm their kids off to their new partner so they can do something more important. It’s all about maintaining an illusion of involved fatherhood (and probably also minimising maintenance). It misses the point entirely though. Contact is about spending time with the parent they don’t live with so that they can maintain a relationship with both parents after their parents split up. Men need to admit how much time they are willing to devote to that. They could do what millions of women do and reorganise their work (often earning less and foregoing opportunities) to suit their family commitments. But they don’t want to. if that’s the case, they need to be clear with themselves that they are making that choice.

Yes, that means that their mum ends up with even more responsibility as the resident parent. But that’s his it goes when your children’s father doesn’t pull his weight. It was probably the same when they were together, so shouldn’t be a surprise.

@whistleryukon, no not really, but I didn't think for a second that OP would consider it, but I wanted to point out that it existed.

Nobody is teaching the child how to behave, and OP is pretty much powerless unless she points out to her DH that it is his and his XW 's job hot hers.

I was on maternity leave. Leave the government makes provision for so that mothers can recover from birth and bond with their baby. But apparently that meant I should be childcare for him and his ex whenever it suited them.

This is so important. I have to assume all the people who say "I don't think you can refuse to watch DSS whilst your DH is supporting you as a SAHP" don't approve of parents staying at home to look after their babies, or maternity leave in general, because it is a perfectly normal scenario for one parent to go out to work and one to stay at home to look after their JOINT child. And it doesn't normally mean the at home parent is in debt to the one out working, it is a mutually beneficial transaction in order to facilitate care and funding for their shared responsibilities.

Throw in a step child, and suddenly you see which posters must think of SAHPs as freeloaders who owe their working partners everything they might want.

Well, my DP knows any care of his son is on him and seperate for the arrangement we have together for our joint DD. When deciding how much the both of us will be working and who will be looking after DD the rest of the time, she is the only consideration. Care of his son is seperate and entirely for him to decide whether HE can accommodate.

I think many SMs (myself included) missed the bit in the marriage vows that said you’d be their unpaid nanny for children that aren’t yours. Wait, no. That’s because it wasn’t there.

This actually made me spit out my tea and howl with laughter.

It's funny because it's only a "vow" that applies to the women. Rarely have I heard of a step dad who works part time/SAHP and gets the ear bleeding lectures stepmoms seem to get over being lucky DP is providing and the expection over DH will look after a child that isn't their own.

Reverse the situation and people would be saying but why should he - that's not his kid.

@BunNcheese

OP why are you on the defence? I asked where the childs mother is because I wanted to know why you were left to look after him as well as your own children.

Hence me asking what your SC mother was doing

Not everyone half's the school holidays I think she has quite a good deal... anyway like the other poster asked too... what did the dad do before you was a SAHM

She has quite a good deal? What, because her ex shares custody. Is that something she should be grateful for?

If she knew her child was being looked after by someone who hated him, I suspect the custody arrangements might need to be changed.

Sorry OP, I know you don't want to feel like it but the way you speak about him is not great. If you direct your conversation to your DH in similar terms, I'd imagine you're looking at a major falling out. Maybe going back to work will help if you're not actually looking after him?

@StickyStuck1

I think you need to speak to your DH

I wish I could. He's extremely defensive of SS though, he wouldn't take on board anything I highly doubt and would just view it as me attacking his son for no reason.

Not really surprised. If someone talked about your DC like this, how would you feel? I hate your child but you have to not be defensive about it.

@kirinm the problem isn't really the SC. It's the lack of parenting going on from DH.

I would be as a mum livid if my ex dumped DD with SM on his contact time. Fine if she was ok with it but not something I would expect. I would be saying to him then he needs to sort out childcare or shift contact time as contact time is for him (not that I have issue with the SM) but she's not a unpaid childminder.

If my child was misbehaving I would be asking where is my ex and why was he letting DD behave in a antisocial way, I wouldn't want that behaviour coming home either from a practice sense.

I would be setting the ex aflame, not blaming the step mum for having enough. And I get on with the ex tbh.

Not really surprised. If someone talked about your DC like this, how would you feel? I hate your child but you have to not be defensive about it

What is there to like about his behaviour? Hating him and hating his behaviour are very different things and the behaviour described doesn't sound very likeable does it?

We all need to stop this pretence that all children are just lovely angels and anyone who thinks anything negative of a child is a monster.

Ridiculous. Teach your child proper behaviours or accept that people aren't going to like them. You can't just allow your child to behave like this and expect people to still like them.

Children aren't animals with no conscious mind. They can display behaviours which are not likeable like any other person old or young. Luckily, when children, we have the time and ability as their parents to steer them away and improve such behaviours. But only if we stop sticking our fingers in our ears going LALALALALALA MY CHILD IS PERFECT AND YOU'RE JUST HORRIBLE.

I wouldn't like ANYONE who displayed behaviour described here no matter their age.

OP - do you get on well with dss dm? If she's been in tears ect about his behaviour before can the three of you work out some ground rules that you are able to implement too? Consistency across both households will help dss a lot.

However that might not work for you. It depends if you feel you are OK with that parental role or if you need to take a back seat.

I think step parenting can work well if you nacho or if you can go all in. The middle ground doesn't work. You can only go all in if the 3 of you are on board with it. Work out house rules that fit both homes, work out consequences and rewards, communicate well with dss dm around this. So if dss is a nightmare for dm and the consequence is no tech for x amount of time you and dh follow it through at your house. She could well be your biggest allie in this mess, I'd totally grass dh up to her if he doesn't follow through on things.

I would discuss -

Bedtimes
Chores
Rewards
Consequences
Homework
Showers and teeth

If it's the same across both houses and dss can't play dh off you or his dm then you will stop feeling so out of control. You also need a massive break from it all, dh needs to take that mental load off of you.

@TopCatsTopHat

Some children are more hard work than others so it's OK to recognise that. Sometimes it's personality, future leaders are a nightmare to parent I've heard but very boisterous or strong characters are not the only tricky personality. Sometimes it's sub optimum parenting, or a combination. I think you've been very measured in your posts op so don't think there is any criticism to made of you here. Not many children enjoy being unlikeable though, so when you find a kid doing stuff like this there is almost always a cause. Whether it's developmental or a cry for attention or jealousy or what.

People walk away from tough situations all the time. Even walk away from their own children! It does happen, this kind of thing can break people and obviously everyone's coping threshold is different. Children who are harder to parent for some reason sometimes, sadly, are in families with parents not strong enough to shoulder the challenge, sometimes they are. Some parents cope with astonishing amounts of difficulty and don't walk away, as one pp on here is doing.

If his behaviour is often horrible this isn't going to get any better when at least one parent is in denial about it and able to keep being so cos the load falls on someone else's shoulders. Your dh could be the key to alleviating the toll of this on you but while he won't hear a word about it or enforce form clear boundaries you're left trying to nail blancmange to the ceiling and he's being very blasé to assume this will just slide off you.

The ss's mum, your dh and you could doubtless probably achieve some improvements with a clear recognition of the issues and a united strategy. It would be in everyone's interests to do this. But while your struggle is dismissed because you're not his biological parent, even though you are doing some pretty heavy lifting of the actual parenting time being invested in him, and your dh is only interested in being defensive, you're going to see No change at all, and if anything it could get worse as he gets older and hormones and a realisation he can play you all off one anther kicks in.

If your dh keeps on his blinkers and refuses to listen he could drive this unfortunate situation into an untenable and irretrievable one. Surely he can see you care and are doing your best. Unless he is mistrustful of your motives (and I can't see why he should be) he is a fool to brook no conversation with one of the very people who is essential to his sons well being.

You are attempting to find answers while your dh denied there is even a question, so if this does break your family its on him.

You have your own children to fight for though so given this rock and hard place predicament it's be trying to work with ss mum to try to create Team Improve Things.

This

Not really surprised. If someone talked about your DC like this, how would you feel? I hate your child but you have to not be defensive about it.

People with badly behaved children need to be able to hear criticism of their behaviour, particularly be the people they are asking for childcare from, without reacting defensively, or all they will be doing is making their children's behaviour worse by burying their head in the sand.

@aSofaNearYou

Not really surprised. If someone talked about your DC like this, how would you feel? I hate your child but you have to not be defensive about it.

People with badly behaved children need to be able to hear criticism of their behaviour, particularly be the people they are asking for childcare from, without reacting defensively, or all they will be doing is making their children's behaviour worse by burying their head in the sand.

Indeed.

If my son were going around telling people they’re fat or intentionally hurting his step/half siblings, I wouldn’t expect anyone to speak positively about him. Especially not if they were having to deal with the repercussions of his behaviour.

I feel for you op.
I can only think this needs a sit down talk with the 3 adults.
All agree the house rules and consequenses.
Having that talk might be the hardest conversation you have.
Maybe you will have a chance to say it is not your job to parent.
I really hope you get someone to listen to you.

I think the key is to have firm boundaries in place. Ultimately your stepchild is there to visit your partner so why is contact time being arranged for when your partner is at work? It's not your job to care for your stepchild. He has two parents to do that for him. So for starters you need to ensure that his visits are only arranged for your partner's days off. You're not just free childcare for somebody else's kid!

I have two stepsons who luckily I have a good relationship with but since my partner works unusual shift patterns, we have them on different days each week to ensure they're only here on his day's off. It's not my job to look after them so my days off/work commitments are not taken into account when organising contact time as it's not me they're here to see.

I'm not sure that it is realistic to say he is there to visit his father, it seems to be a shared care arrangement so he has a home with his father.
That doesn't mean it is OP's job to provide childcare but sc isn't a guest in his own home either.
It is one of the things that makes these kind of arrangements more complicated.

@verymiddleaged

It is a perfectly possible solution to say that OP refuses to look after dsc and ask her DH to sort alternative care. There are two downsides to this approach, one is emotional OP's DH is unlikely to be thrilled about this.

The second is that if DH has to fund two different childcare situations one for dsc and the other for new baby there won't be enough of his money to cover fully supporting OP to stay at home.

It would be more realistic to look for clubs that dsc might enjoy to relieve some of the pressure and look to modify everyone's parenting to manage dsc more effectively.

There are no easy perfect solutions but it should be possible to work something out that works better for everyone.

This

I don’t think you are horrible for saying this. Sometimes we don’t like other peoples kids very much and that’s just how it is.

I don’t generally like looking after anyone else’s kids particularly. Unless they are very easy!

My youngest DSC is quite full on too. I have had them on my own on some occasions, and I have taken them out alone on some occasions too. However there were times when they wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t do as I asked etc and I was at a bit of a loss.

They refused to move once when we were out and DP had to come and get them.

I’m a very capable parent and have looked after many a child over the years both professionally and for friends. But I hadn’t ever met a child who could be quite this defiant and not listen. It made me not want to do it again. I had the added issue that DSC mum doesn’t really know me well, so I didn’t want to physically intervene for example picking them up to move them or holding them to move them as I didn’t want them going back to mum saying ‘blendiful did this’. It’s a really difficult position as a step parent I think to be in.

DSC is better now they are a little older, however it’s put me off wanting to take them anywhere by myself as tbh I just can’t be bothered with the hassle.

So I would feel very much the same. I think your agreement to be a SAHM was to care for your DC it doesn’t automatically mean that you should have to do this for DSC too unless previously agreed. It’s not a fair arrangement if they are difficult. They need to go to a holiday club or something if dad is working.

I have two step children and I've been on maternity leave for the last year. At no point in that year have I been expected to look after them in the holidays. Childcare isn't your responsibility, it's their mum and dad. I would never have agreed to become childcare for them.
Can you not just turn around and say, it's too much, I don't mind the odd day as back up but i can't carry on as we are. His mum should be having him, grandparents, holiday clubs etc.

What strikes me, is the amount of time you seem to be left looking after your SC. Fathers asking for a certain amount of custody, when they aren't there. He's there to see his dad, yet you're the one left doing the childcare

It seems like once you married him, it became your job to look after the kids.

It must be hard looking after a child you don't like, but at least you know it's not personal towards you and he's a PITA to everyone. He needs consequences for his bad behaviour. It doesn't matter that he's the youngest and his dad needs to step up.

I don't know whether he's lacking attention or maybe needs to spend more time with his dad. He's gone from being the youngest and might be jealous and feel displaced by the little one.

Was he always like this or had he become worse?

They refused to move once when we were out and DP had to come and get them.

Long time ago. I helped a neighbour out for a while, walking her kids to school and back. She had split from the Dad, and had come down in the world somewhat. The kids were used to better things, and deeply resented having to WALK not ride. One day the little girl (7 or 8) parked herself on the pavement and refused to budge. I think she was expecting me to call a taxi. Errr, no. She got a fireman's lift home! Her Mum thought it was hilarious and a good life lesson.

If I'd been their stepmum, I would not have been able to do that. Wicked witch of the West all the way.

What strikes me, is the amount of time you seem to be left looking after your SC. Fathers asking for a certain amount of custody, when they aren't there. He's there to see his dad, yet you're the one left doing the childcare

It seems like once you married him, it became your job to look after the kids.

I think this is a common problem in many blended families. And a really big one.

So many men seem to associate ‘wife’ with ‘childcare’. They feel entitled to it, even where it’s not her children. I mean, it’s bad enough that fathers see their children’s mother as default childcare (and any input the choose to give as ‘help’ or ‘babysitting’). Even worse when they further generalise that male entitlement to all women being responsible for their childcare.

Add to this their insistence on having more contact than they can actually facilitate. That’s generally about some combination of: minimising maintenance; pretending to the outside world that they’re a fantastic father (when, in fact, they’re leaving their kids with their wife and buggering off to do things they consider more important than looking after them; and pretending to themselves that they’re a brilliant, involved father (to assuage any guilt they feel about the previous relationship failing). It’s not actually about the children and meeting their needs.

Obviously it’s crap that fathers don’t take on their fair share of childcare and family responsibility. People can stamp their feet and shout about fathers being equally parents and parents 100% of the time, but in these cases it’s just an illusion. They’re just passing the work and the responsibility on to a new partner rather than their ex.

Contact is supposed to be about maintaining a relationship with a nonresident parent. Too many fathers are focusing on the number of nights the kids sleep in their houses and the outward appearance of involvement, rather than the time they are actually spending with their children.

I am aware that many children do spend lots of time in childcare (my toddler is currently at nursery so I can work). But I, and everyone else, is aware that I’m outsourcing this for a particular purpose. I’m not pretending that I’m having ‘contact’ with him and then leaving someone else to do all the work while I get on with something else. Incidentally, his father is also working and, therefore, benefitting from the fact that I pay a bloody fortune for nursery (far more than double the CMS rate maintenance he pays).

If there was a pie chart showing how much of the parenting of this boy you were doing and another showing how much of an opinion/say in his parenting you are allowed to have would they be remotely comparable?
My guess is that you have much of the work and none of the say. If this was an employee situation you would be looking at a tyrant-style boss situation and would be rightly stressed. You only put someone in that position if they are not equipped to be trusted with the decisions either by lack of skill or inclination. It doesn't seem to me that you lack either the skill or the inclination.
It is common knowledge that someone who has a large part of the responsibility for something but none of the control is in a very stressful situation if the demands upon them are unreasonable. If your DH won't can't see that then he is essentially relying on your goodwill and compliance to prop up his elective choice to turn a blind eye to it all. Which is shit of course.
His ds is heading towards being someone who pushes people away and suffers poor relationships because he is not being guided away from doing distasteful behaviour. You are a huge asset in preventing that outcome in that you are present and willing to oarent him effectively away from this. God knows why your DH would rather not know and fight to keep things as they are - he's making his bed... but you and ds are the ones who have to lie in it.

It's not just her and DS, it's her DC and the other DSC.

Yes, which is perhaps why her dh knows she'll put up with a lot before she throws in the towel.

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose

Yes, which is perhaps why her dh knows she'll put up with a lot before she throws in the towel.

Absolutely.

The shared child gives him all sorts of leverage to get away with leaving all the work to her (but without any of the authority to make the changes that are needed).

As does his insistence that he’s allowing her to be a SAHM as if it’s just a whim, rather than an arrangement that IS benefitting him (even more so than her returning to work and then having to juggle childcare responsibilities/pick ups/closures and all the times where the baby gets ill, again and again). It benefits him and his career, even if it is an arrangement just for their shared child. He can arrange his workday as he likes, with no thought to nursery opening hours. He can choose to work late on a whim. He can travel for work whenever he wants to. And so on. All of that requires childcare, and a SAHM (who has taken on all childcare duties to allow him to work) is easier for his life than any other childcare option.

It’s amazing how often men act like they’re not benefitting from this stuff.