Can it ever work if you don't like you SC?

[StickyStuck1]

So I'm struggling with one of my SC and I've realised recently that I actually just don't like them very much. They are very difficult, rude and immature for their age. He is 8.

However, I am a SAHM to our joint DC which means I help a lot with SC.

Especially during the school holidays this just makes my time tedious when I am with him all day. I absolutely hate it and dread when he stays during the holidays because I'll be on my own with him (and other DC) all day.

I am starting back at work part time soon but still I'll have more availablity than DH and there will still be times I'll have to look after him especially during school holidays.

Half term has just been horrible. I feel incredibly resentful and just drained from being with him.

And I despair of comments like this, which is full of nothing but idealistic fantasy.

Absolutely.

It’s all your family. Love then like your own. Until it means you doing something other than being the unpaid nanny. And then you are firmly reminded that they’re not your children and you must not overstep.

It’s a blended family. It’s different.

And his father finding a nice holiday club he’d enjoy is not exactly Cinderella stuff. 🙄

It sounds like the balance of care your doing singularly isn't helpful to the situation.

Your DH must be available to parent when his children are with you. Work and school holidays are difficult to cover but he must take some time .

@Pumperthepumper

He was 3 just turning 4. Which is why it's taken me this long to realise this I think. Before it was kind of oh he's cute, he's just a toddler, it'll get better with age etc... When actually he just gets worse and more unpleasant to be with as the years are going on.

That’s a really short time to have your mum and dad split up, your dad re-marry and to have a new sibling. He’s very young to have had to process all that. Again, I think you have to speak to your DH. Your SS doesn’t seem to have anyone on his team.

His mum and dad split up when he was much younger than that. I think he was around 1. I do appreciate what you're saying though.

@StickyStuck1

you stepping back from dsc care, your dh stepping forward - you need to earn more to cover the shortfall, but that is good for you long-term anyway IMO

Thing is he'd never do this. It would never be an option for DH to work less/part time/him stay at home and me to work. He loves his job and is very career oriented. He'd never go part time or be a SAHP whether I went back to work or not. Not in a million years.

OP. His your step child's mother needs to start using holiday clubs like a lot of single parents do!

Long term its not fair on him or you. Speak up and tell your DH that you are no longer able to do it.

Either the OP is married to this child's father and they work as a family unit or she isn't, in which case she needs to leave. She can't reasonably refuse to take care of her DH's DC during their contact time and yet be a SAHM to the child's sibling whilst the despised child is kicked out to a kids club or random relatives. It's like fucking Cinderella.

I agree with THisbackwithavengeance.
It is not an idealistic fantasy to treat all dependents with care. It is what all blended families should aim for (and many achieve).

His mum and dad split up when he was much younger than that. I think he was around 1. I do appreciate what you're saying though.

So again though, even younger to have to cope with so many changes. And if he was already (age 3/4) showing signs of challenging behaviour, why did his dad think getting remarried and having another baby would make that better?

I agree with THisbackwithavengeance.
It is not an idealistic fantasy to treat all dependents with care.

That's not remotely what that comment said. Nobody would disagree with what you've said here.

I would disagree that the SC are the OP’s ‘dependents’. They have two parents who have all the parental responsibility.

She only has to treat her SC like she would a friend’s child.

It is going to be difficult to resolve this whilst your DH cannot see what the problem is.

It is less about you liking or not liking your DSC whom, I agree, has gone through a lot and needs someone on his side and more about there not being a parenting team around him to help him learn to behave in a way that makes him a pleasure to be around IYSWIM. There is a sense in which better parenting would be for the DSC sake as well as yours.

I'm not sure what your options are though if your DH doesn't see things from your POV.

@BadlyFormedQuestion She only has to treat her SC like she would a friend’s child. Do you really think so? The situations are not really all that comparable.

Oops sorry I didn't mean to underline! I meant italics.

I'm not sure what your options are though if your DH doesn't see things from your POV

I guess this is the main problem. I don't know what to do if his parents won't help solve these problems. All it means is I'm left dealing with behaviours which unfortunately, his fault or not, make him very difficult to like.

Can you not arrange SC's time in your home to be only when DH is there & can cope with his child?

@StickyStuck1

I'm not sure what your options are though if your DH doesn't see things from your POV

I guess this is the main problem. I don't know what to do if his parents won't help solve these problems. All it means is I'm left dealing with behaviours which unfortunately, his fault or not, make him very difficult to like.

How is your DH with your joint DC?

[quote erinaceus]@BadlyFormedQuestion She only has to treat her SC like she would a friend’s child. Do you really think so? The situations are not really all that comparable.[/quote]
Yes. I do.

People are perfectly nice to their friends children generally. But they can’t really do anything about their behaviour and have to defer to their parents. That’s the case for a lot of SP.

Where it’s different is that you can decide to never invite your friend’s children back to your house ever again if you find the ways their parents let them behave objectionable. With SC you have to live with them and somehow manage to cope.

@StickyStuck1

I'm not sure what your options are though if your DH doesn't see things from your POV

I guess this is the main problem. I don't know what to do if his parents won't help solve these problems. All it means is I'm left dealing with behaviours which unfortunately, his fault or not, make him very difficult to like.

You shouldn't be left to deal with it OP. You are perfectly entitled to put your foot down.

@BadlyFormedQuestion I suppose I was thinking about the latter point, yes.

I know you feel your DH is affording you stay at home @StickyStuck1 but does he actually give you money towards keeping the house? I assume he's paying his ex to look after their children (she will also get money from the government. The DSC teachers and nursery get paid, you are really getting the short stick here. Sounds like you are providing free child care for your partner and his ex to earn money.

@StickyStuck1

you stepping back from dsc care, your dh stepping forward - you need to earn more to cover the shortfall, but that is good for you long-term anyway IMO

Thing is he'd never do this. It would never be an option for DH to work less/part time/him stay at home and me to work. He loves his job and is very career oriented. He'd never go part time or be a SAHP whether I went back to work or not. Not in a million years.

What parenting would your DH be doing if he wasn't married to you? How would he manage? Would he be doing 50:50 with his ex ? (is that what is happening now, with you and ex being the 50:50 instead?)

Or without you on hand, would he be stepping up and doing more parenting of HIS OWN CHILD. Or would he be paying ex more maintenance?

Don't let your DH develop and prioritise his career at your expense, Stucky. Your expense, and, it seems, the expense of his child. He is ducking his responsiblities here, and it isn't attractive from where I'm sitting.

Although I've never been in your situation, I sympathise with you OP and I don't think you've said anything horrible. I know 8 is very young but it is definitely an age where you start to be able to connect to them as little human beings with their own personality, the ability to have a real conversation with some level of shared understanding, which isn't really the case below the age of about 5. And just like with adults, who don't always get along, if your personalities aren't compatible or there's problem behaviour, you're not going to be able to make that positive connection. Even if he didn't have the behaviour problems with aggression etc. its not guaranteed that you're going to connect with someone else's child enough to truly like them and be able to spend lots of time and effort on raising them.

I think it's a bit unrealistic to think that any mother should be able to "like" her stepchild despite the bad behaviour and difficult personality, and that failure to do so means that she is either cruel and lacking empathy for the child, or needs help with her own mental health. Some children simply are difficult to get along with and more difficult to parent. You cannot simply force yourself to like someone, regardless of whether they're an adult or a child. Reminding yourself that they are only a child and not fully in control of their behaviour, and all these other points people have made in the comments above, might help you have more patience with them, and might help you empathise with the child to a certain extent, but it is not going to make you magically like them.

She can't reasonably refuse to take care of her DH's DC during their contact time and yet be a SAHM to the child's sibling whilst the despised child is kicked out to a kids club or random relatives. It's like fucking Cinderella.

I don’t see the problem with stepchildren going to holiday clubs/after school clubs/going to relatives. Why do they need to be glued to their stepmum just out of principle and nothing else?

[quote erinaceus]@BadlyFormedQuestion I suppose I was thinking about the latter point, yes.[/quote]
That’s what can make it so very hard.

As well as the fact no one expects you to love your friends’ children. Whereas (as this thread shows) you’re supposed to provide all the unconditional love of a parent while being reminded not to overstep by exercising any authority. Or expecting anyone to consider you and your feelings.

As always there are a number of posters bashing the OP as if it's her fault that her DSS is behaving badly, and for daring not to like his behaviour.

What exactly do you expect OP to feel and do? Aside from the generic 'love and affection' responses, as if she's never thought of being loving or affectionate.

She's in an impossible situation. If she manages his behaviour appropriately, her DH will undermine her. If she lets DSS continue to behave as he is, the other children will continue to get hurt and his behaviour will continue to escalate. She can't effect any meaningful change as she's 'just' the stepmum and so has no place asking for support/assessments (although she's good enough to do all the donkey work, just not good enough to express any opinions).

Tell me what you think she's done wrong? She's looking after DSS frequently, has given no indication that she's ever been mean to him, she's tried talking to his parents.... you're jumping on the fact that she doesn't like the way he behaves. Well nobody reasonable would. It's natural cause and effect. There a certain children in my family I don't like to be around because quite frankly their behaviour is awful and it's because their parents allow it. I wouldn't want my DC to be raised in a home with another child who hits him, is mean to him, and has completely different boundaries and rules to him.

I bet your responses would be completely different if this was from the POV of a mum whose child was going to dad's house and dad's partner's child was being mean.

I think your problem is lack of control. You’re forced to deal with a child displaying behaviour you don’t like yet are powerless to do anything about it. You need to talk to DH. Tell him if you are expected to take care of his son then you need to be able to parent him.

Honestly, to answer your original question, no, I don’t think it can work if you dislike your stepchild. This kid is 8. 10 more years until he leaves home (maybe). That’s a long time to dislike someone who lives in your house 50% of the time. Don’t put yourself through it. As others have pointed out, you have very limited power to change anything, and you’ll wear yourself out trying.