Can it ever work if you don't like you SC?

[StickyStuck1]

So I'm struggling with one of my SC and I've realised recently that I actually just don't like them very much. They are very difficult, rude and immature for their age. He is 8.

However, I am a SAHM to our joint DC which means I help a lot with SC.

Especially during the school holidays this just makes my time tedious when I am with him all day. I absolutely hate it and dread when he stays during the holidays because I'll be on my own with him (and other DC) all day.

I am starting back at work part time soon but still I'll have more availablity than DH and there will still be times I'll have to look after him especially during school holidays.

Half term has just been horrible. I feel incredibly resentful and just drained from being with him.

He can choose to work late on a whim. He can travel for work whenever he wants to. And so on. All of that requires childcare, and a SAHM (who has taken on all childcare duties to allow him to work) is easier for his life than any other childcare option.

And he is currently acting as Lord Bountiful by making all these splendid options available to his ex, courtesy of OP, but no courtesy to OP.

Maybe you just need to tell him you find it too difficult, without being negative towards the kid. It's understandable that he becomes defensive if he feels you're attacking or being critical toward his son. That's just human nature. NOBODY wants their partner to be negative about their child.

He may well say that it's normal 8 up behaviour...fine, let him.say that. You're equally allowed to say you just can't cope with it.

He can either reduce his custody and let SS be with his mother more, or look at alternative childcare arrangements. I doubt that he'll be thrilled with either of these ideas, but continuing as you are doesn't sound great for your mental health.

he is rude and can be mean, not just to adults but his siblings, can hit and be quite aggressive sometimes, not even just normal sibling arguments things like whacking them with a remote control, leaving scratches and bruises from pinches on them, that kind of thing.
Read up on sibling abuse and then talk to your husband to set up a clear plan of action on his behaviour. If the relationship with mum is good it would also be worthwhile having a conversation with her or your husband doing it. I grew up in a nuclear family untill my early teens and my life was made hell by my sociopath of a brother. I have crippling anxiety that has taken a decade to get under control. I also know of someone who experienced sibling abuse worse then me and she has been sectioned a number of times after various suicide attempts. Brushing aside violence or abuse in the home has serious consequences for the victim even if the perpetrator is another child. For example in school if a student physically assaulted a younger pupil there are serious consequences so I do not understand why as a society we ignore it in the home.

From a practical point I think the first step is anger management. DH and you have a discussion with him about feeling angry and how to Express it. For example it's ok to feel frustrated and you can tell me you are annoyed. When we feel like that take a deep breath and breath to 10. Later when you see him getting frustrated remind him of the techniques you discussed.

1. Swift consequences to actions against both you and his siblings. What does he love? In my house its tech so playstation is gone for x amount of time. If its name calling say 1 day but if its violence significantly longer. He earns back his privileges with good behaviour.
2. Get him out of the house. Does he play any team sports. There really good for teaching them how to work as a team and deal with frustration. Also if this behaviours is coming from a place of insecurity and frustration the physical exercise can be quite good at helping these feelings and channel them.

I gave the same advise to a mother who described similiar interactions between her own kids and I was not the only one to say sibling abuse. It is increasing being recognised so please do something.

Also when hes too much for you theres nothing wrong with saying I cant handle him and send him to sports club or something in the holidays.

Well said BadlyFormedQuestion

Time to put down some boundaries OP. If you're expected to offer childcare, you'll be managing any behaviour issues from now on. Or the alternative is he reschedules contact with his ex for when he is actually around. Two options - your DP can choose which one he prefers.

@StickyStuck1

Maybe part of his behaviour is because he knows how you feel. Everyone will be disliked by someone, but home should be a safe space for everyone in it.

I actually think the opposite. He is like this with people he is "close" to. He is very shy and quiet with people he doesn't know. He is like this with me, his Mum, his Dad, grandparents etc...

I'd agree with OP here. It reads like he behaves this way around people he feels safe with. All 3 of our DC have SEN, they mask a lot, never had any problems at school, mask in the community the vast majority of time too, home is a very different matter. When they feel safe all that masking and the stress from the noise, busyness, and overwhelming sensory input from everyday life is paid for.

@StickyStuck1 One of my DC seems to enjoy making others feel bad when he's struggling. I can't remember the proper term, but upsetting others when you are yourself upset has the effect of making the distress on the outside match the distress inside, it's a unconcious behaviour to reduce the distress he's feeling. It can be so hard when they seem to enjoy your distress and once they've found a button they'll keep pushing it. It's not specifically about you, it's about him trying to make the outside world match the turmoil within. It's hard enough when that's your own child, I imagine it would be exponentially harder when it's a step child.

Unfortunately you're fairly hamstrung in what you can do without at least his Dad's support. You could note if there are any triggers for his behaviour or any activities he finds regulating. Given his Dad won't act and you're relationship with DS is being impacted a lot I'd do whatever works. If it's a lot of screentime do that. If it's something like trampolining or swinging DH can pay for the relevant equipment. If DH doesn't like your solution he can step up and parent his child properly.

@StickyStuck1

I'm not sure what your options are though if your DH doesn't see things from your POV

I guess this is the main problem. I don't know what to do if his parents won't help solve these problems. All it means is I'm left dealing with behaviours which unfortunately, his fault or not, make him very difficult to like.

It is more of a DH problem then a SM doesn't like child or child can't behave problem. How is he when DH is there? Does DH ever take holiday time with them? I'd be tempted to go have a weekend break and leave DH to deal on his own. Short of that I'd think a very frank conversation where you tell him that he either gets onboard or next school holidays he will be expected to pay for and drop all of your DSC to holiday club everyday he has his children. He needs to take responsibility, one way or another.

You could suggest DH orders and reads the Zones of regulation book and does the program with DS. He can work with DS to help him learn to regulate his emotions and he can provide you with the summary view of what you'd need to stick to zones while he's at work. This program is widely used with Autistic children but it is relevant to any child who is experiencing issues with emotional regulation.

When they feel safe all that masking and the stress from the noise, busyness, and overwhelming sensory input from everyday life is paid for.
Wax earplugs. Sanity restorers. Gibbering wreck -> instant cool dude.

As you were

@SpaceshiptoMars

When they feel safe all that masking and the stress from the noise, busyness, and overwhelming sensory input from everyday life is paid for. Wax earplugs. Sanity restorers. Gibbering wreck -> instant cool dude.

As you were

I wish. Mine hates anything on or in his ears, ear plugs, headphones, earmuffs. They instantly get ripped off. Our best outcomes are tablet as soon as he gets home for 20 minutes, using a timer. Allows him to zone out and regulate, the timer's so he can transition well to doing a different activity.

Mine hates anything on or in his ears, ear plugs, headphones, earmuffs.

Yes. I feel the same about everything else. Too much pressure, scratchiness etc. Sensory issues, eh. But the sheer relief on dialling down the dBs...... Someone chucked a banger my way last night and I barely flinched.

Yes it’s possible. Been with DH 18 years. Kept my dislike of aggressive, difficult SD to myself, gritted my teeth and told myself I would not always have to spend 3 days a week with her. That went down to weekends as she got older and then every other weekend as she wanted to spend time out with her friends. She’s now a student at a city 500 miles away and we see her maybe once a term and at Easter, Xmas and summer which is plenty.

She is exhausting. Arrogant, woke, self centred, attention seeking, lies about everything, a different drama every week which thankfully I only hear about via DH. When she does spend time with us she sits on her phone ignoring us, looking up occasionally to educate us on pronouns or BLM or to tell us the latest usually clearly massively embellished exaggerated drama. Latest is that she asks him for money constantly which we later found out she’s spending on weed. She can’t get a part time job apparently as it’s too stressful.

I spent 15 years smiling, treating her like my own child, choosing her lovely presents for birthday and Xmas (which I often later found shoved under her bed here or in cupboards), buying her the same gifts I bought my own DC when away with work, making sure there were photos of her all over the house so it felt like her home too, decorating her room beautifully, making her nice meals, fling everything to treat her like my own DC.

I think she felt like she was being loyal to her awful mum by treating me like shit on every occasion, she still does whenever she gets the chance which is thankfully not often.

Anyway my point is that it can work - they aren’t children spending half the week with you forever.

Anyway my point is that it can work - they aren’t children spending half the week with you forever.

Well, yes. But it doesn't sound very appealing..... I hope it's been worth it for you in other ways.

It definitely has been worth it. Very happily married and had/have a lovely life together. Hope we will have many decades more as only in our 40s. SD plays a very small part now in my life.

I have a similar case with my partners son, he’s 7. From the age of 4 he would regularly hit, kick, shout etc at his elder siblings & had bruised & scratched them from pinches. He hits the dogs & has hit my partner. This is just the tip of the ice berg with his behaviour. He’s also hit me & my son before today which was the catalyst for me raising it with my partner. He has got slightly better as time has gone on.

Before I voiced my concerns to my partner, my step sons behaviour was ignored, as in, ignore it it will go away. I felt the opposite: if he was not told his behaviour was wrong he would continue to do it. Yes ignore the cries, the mild sulks etc but not the increasing violence to others who love him.

I’m so glad I raised it with my partner as it would have been the cause for us breaking up. My partner could see his sons behaviour wasn’t good & was very blinkered to it but he was very supportive in realising that we needed to step in & parent a little stricter with him, compared to the other older kids. It was all Very unpleasant but was worth it as his behaviour has improved & I now enjoy being with him.

He still has off days, sulks & crieds when not getting his own way or if he’s over tired etc but hes 7. It’s expected.

If I were you I’d sit down & explain how you feel & how it’s affecting you. Your partner should support you & it will also help his son too. Best of luck.