Can it ever work if you don't like you SC?

[StickyStuck1]

So I'm struggling with one of my SC and I've realised recently that I actually just don't like them very much. They are very difficult, rude and immature for their age. He is 8.

However, I am a SAHM to our joint DC which means I help a lot with SC.

Especially during the school holidays this just makes my time tedious when I am with him all day. I absolutely hate it and dread when he stays during the holidays because I'll be on my own with him (and other DC) all day.

I am starting back at work part time soon but still I'll have more availablity than DH and there will still be times I'll have to look after him especially during school holidays.

Half term has just been horrible. I feel incredibly resentful and just drained from being with him.

No one is saying she has to suggest he has autism I didn’t even say he did just that he sounds like my son who is autistic, a lot of it is what my son is like and rather than saying he is “nasty” and does it to be “nasty” maybe he doesn’t and maybe he can’t help it? An 8 year old shouldn’t be called nasty and as already said if the older children arent like it then it’s unlikely to be down to bad parenting 🙄

A child shouldn't have to grow up in a home with and adult that doesn't like them. Parents have that unconditional love that's gets us through even when our children are being unlikable.

As much as I read people claiming the children don't know and they hide it, I just don't agree. One of my step mums hated me from day one, I knew it, she probably thought she hid it.

Maybe part of his behaviour is because he knows how you feel. Everyone will be disliked by someone, but home should be a safe space for everyone in it.

@Clementineapples

Hmm DH would say that I am allowed to but in reality he's incredibly defensive of him.

Then he can have him 🤷‍♀️

Agreed. If your husband is defensive of you dealing with his children's behaviour then you can and should tell him you can't provide childcare for him under those conditions.

Maybe part of his behaviour is because he knows how you feel. Everyone will be disliked by someone, but home should be a safe space for everyone in it.

I actually think the opposite. He is like this with people he is "close" to. He is very shy and quiet with people he doesn't know. He is like this with me, his Mum, his Dad, grandparents etc...

I am not sure it helps but sometimes I hate being with my DC who has SEN. I also love them very, very much indeed but I hate the fact that I the one who absorbs everything and it is such incredibly hard work some times. I carry on because I am his mum and I do love him. If your SC has SEN (undiagnosed or not) you are perfectly understandably going to find coping with his behaviour very difficult but without the bond of being his parent it will be really hard. If I were in your position I'd encourage your DH to spend a lot more 1:1 time (possibly at the expense of your family time) with SC and see how he copes. Maybe you'll be able to precipitate a discussion about investigating the issues and what support DSC really needs. It's not fair that you are having to deal with all of this SAHM or not.

Maybe just try to look at the situation objectively from different angles, if he was your own child behaving this way how would you feel and deal with it?
Why is he behaving this way, insecure, overwhelmed, lack of expectations, boundaries ? Does he want to be at your house while his Dad is working? We all remember that feeling of ' I don't want to go' somewhere.

I think it's incredibly important to remove any resentment towards him, to enable a chance of a positive relationship to establish .

Your DH has to support you both in strategy and time when all the children are with you. Try to have a variety of approaches for half terms, Dh has at least some time off to do things as a family. Try different activities that may help get away from the same pattern of behaviours.

8 is still a young child - whilst his behaviour is not acceptable someone has to reinforce expectations and give reassurance a child may need. This primarily is your DH role and he needs to be present when you are caring for SC - by having time off, face timing when working to check in and engaging fully to bring a happy family unit.

@DownToTheSeaAgain

I am not sure it helps but sometimes I hate being with my DC who has SEN. I also love them very, very much indeed but I hate the fact that I the one who absorbs everything and it is such incredibly hard work some times. I carry on because I am his mum and I do love him. If your SC has SEN (undiagnosed or not) you are perfectly understandably going to find coping with his behaviour very difficult but without the bond of being his parent it will be really hard. If I were in your position I'd encourage your DH to spend a lot more 1:1 time (possibly at the expense of your family time) with SC and see how he copes. Maybe you'll be able to precipitate a discussion about investigating the issues and what support DSC really needs. It's not fair that you are having to deal with all of this SAHM or not.

Surely that is being fed up though. I get fed up too and sometimes think God my DS is getting on my nerves some days.

I never dislike my own child. OP isn't obligated and I agree with the poster about the step child sensing OPS feelings. It's clear cut sometimes when someone dislikes you even though they don't say it

@lunar1

A child shouldn't have to grow up in a home with and adult that doesn't like them. Parents have that unconditional love that's gets us through even when our children are being unlikable.

As much as I read people claiming the children don't know and they hide it, I just don't agree. One of my step mums hated me from day one, I knew it, she probably thought she hid it.

Maybe part of his behaviour is because he knows how you feel. Everyone will be disliked by someone, but home should be a safe space for everyone in it.

Parents have that unconditional love that's gets us through even when our children are being unlikable.

Oh do they just? Brother with high functioning autism drove my Dad up the wall. DSM was brilliant with him, but my Dad continually sniped at him. Very wearing.

OP I've changed my mind after your updates. I don't think you're unreasonable to feel the way you are and I think it's very telling that he's like it with people he's comfortable with.

He's a cheeky kid pushing boundaries. His unpleasantness is what makes you not like him. His own mom struggles with it.

Do you have any kind of relationship with her?
Could you, your DH and she formulate a plan on how to deal with his behaviours that you're all able to enforce?

If you're being expected to provide a decent amount of childcare (and correct me if I'm wrong but it seems you would actually mind this if he was a nice kid) you need to be allowed to discipline and reward in the same way his parents do.

I said earlier this relationship can't work but I think if DSS's behaviour is fixed the relationship can work. You just need to be respected enough to be allowed to help fix it.

I used to volunteer at a respite care centre for children with various disabilities. All the kids with autism were collected by single mothers. The kids with Downs were often collected by doting dads. Makes you think.

Poor OP, I feel really bad for you. You have some guilt I feel over your DH working and you staying at home, you need to let those feelings go and then stand up to your partner. You should not be caring for his children unless you are being paid

@SpaceshiptoMars

I used to volunteer at a respite care centre for children with various disabilities. All the kids with autism were collected by single mothers. The kids with Downs were often collected by doting dads. Makes you think.

What does it "make you think" exactly?

OP what days and hours do you get your step children? Is it just lumped on you last minute or do you have set days? Does your partner pay any maintenance? Is the split 50/50?

What does it "make you think" exactly?

That my Dad wasn't alone if having problems coping with a child with autism. That the strain of parenting the children to the standards of the day took their toll on the marriages.

I think one issue here is that your DH has more children than you, and, really, probably ought to be doing more parenting. Which, if finances are tight, may mean you get to do a bit less.

Although you want to be at home with your dc, is that for your benefit or theirs? If for theirs, would they benefit just as much form being with dad, as with you. Because your dh is dsc's dad from birth, would dsc benefit more from being wiht dad rather than you, for some of the parenting time.

I suppose what I am dancing around here, is to say that as the second wife of a man with children already, you went into this with more obligations and fewer options than when both parents are first-time parents together. It's hardly a unique situation, but at the moment you are straining towards a cosy sahm scenario with just your dcs, which was never an option.

Unless your earning powers as a couple are so large you can have a lot of time with your dcs, and your dh can have a lot of time with his ds as well. Which you've said, unsurprisingly, is not how it is.

This means that something else has to give. I think a combination of:

• seeking support with dsc's behaviour - if you think he is 'acting out' in some way which certainly sounds a possiblity
• you stepping back from dsc care, your dh stepping forward - you need to earn more to cover the shortfall, but that is good for you long-term anyway IMO

-investigating options for care for dsc in a more structured setting eg after school clubs. Something which could also benefit your own children (when they are old enough). Though this has to be with full enthusiastic support from dsc's mother and dsc has to not in any way perceive it as him being pushed out. I think the timing to coincide with you going back to work would be the way to frame this.

It must be hard for you. My Mum actually told me more than once 'when you were about 7 or 8 you went through a phase when you just weren't very nice'. Not necessarily relevant to your situation, but you're not the first parent, step or otherwise, to feel that way.

And again, ineffectual parenting from another Disney Dad is creating issues for a third party.

He's not yours and it's up to your DH to sort out care on his days. All the usual moaning from mumsnetters that you should treat the SC the same. Why the fuck should she? It's down to the boy's parents to sort this out between them. If DH is at work then he needs to sort out appropriate daycare before and after school.

I have 2 boys of my own and 4 SC. DH never expected anything from me when they were smaller. I didn't ignore them and I wasn't horrible. Just treated them like other peoples kids.

Do not arrange workdays around him, arrange them around your own dc. There's a thread on here about Nacho'ing with SC. As in Nacho problem. (Not your) You essentially detach from the day to day care and let the parents get on with everything.

@Carolinesyear

Poor OP, I feel really bad for you. You have some guilt I feel over your DH working and you staying at home, you need to let those feelings go and then stand up to your partner. You should not be caring for his children unless you are being paid

I definitely do feel like this yes. I feel like I owe him.

I could have gone back to work, we could have afforded to pay for nursery. I didn't want to though and he was happy with that but made it clear it was more because I wanted that rather than feeling it was necessary for our family if that makes sense.

That's why I feel like I have no choice but to do this childcare because how can I say no when he's out working so I can be at home with our DC?

The days when he is here it's just like something I dread that I just need to get through.

Admittedly I tend to save most of the outings for when he isn't here. DH asks me about that too. But I just cannot bear the idea of taking him out somewhere on my own, I'd hate it.

How old was he when you and his dad got together? I’m guessing quite young since you’re now married and have a joint DC. Age 5/6 is a tricky time to be usurped as the baby, particularly if that baby also comes with a new step parent and a new routine.

I think you need to speak to your DH.

you stepping back from dsc care, your dh stepping forward - you need to earn more to cover the shortfall, but that is good for you long-term anyway IMO

Thing is he'd never do this. It would never be an option for DH to work less/part time/him stay at home and me to work. He loves his job and is very career oriented. He'd never go part time or be a SAHP whether I went back to work or not. Not in a million years.

I sometimes despair of what I read on here.

Posters telling you to refuse to look after the boy, he's not your problem etc etc, as if the child is a complete stranger

Either the OP is married to this child's father and they work as a family unit or she isn't, in which case she needs to leave. She can't reasonably refuse to take care of her DH's DC during their contact time and yet be a SAHM to the child's sibling whilst the despised child is kicked out to a kids club or random relatives. It's like fucking Cinderella.

Or do you all expect the DH to give up work to look after his DC bearing in mind that he is supporting the family from his wages.

OP, you are the adult. He is a little boy. He might not be always pleasant or likeable and this is always particular pronounced when you have got a baby (I bet it's a girl?) who no doubt is all cuteness and smiles. But this is your DC's brother, not a random kid. He is your family. So give him the love and attention he needs. If you can't feel genuine love, then either fake it or walk away.

Quite honestly I would be incredibly pissed off as a mum if I knew my child was being looked after by a stepmum who doesn't like him instead of his father - not blaming you, it's totally your husbands job to sort this out, you don't have to like your sc - Why the hell isn't his father taking responsibility????
If he's unable to look after his own child then it's his mother's job to look after him not yours.
The cheek of your "D"h making you do all the grunt work.
Trust me kids know when someone doesn't like them. I always knew my stepfather hated me and left home asap.

@Pumperthepumper

How old was he when you and his dad got together? I’m guessing quite young since you’re now married and have a joint DC. Age 5/6 is a tricky time to be usurped as the baby, particularly if that baby also comes with a new step parent and a new routine.

I think you need to speak to your DH.

He was 3 just turning 4. Which is why it's taken me this long to realise this I think. Before it was kind of oh he's cute, he's just a toddler, it'll get better with age etc... When actually he just gets worse and more unpleasant to be with as the years are going on.

@THisbackwithavengeance

I sometimes despair of what I read on here.

Posters telling you to refuse to look after the boy, he's not your problem etc etc, as if the child is a complete stranger

Either the OP is married to this child's father and they work as a family unit or she isn't, in which case she needs to leave. She can't reasonably refuse to take care of her DH's DC during their contact time and yet be a SAHM to the child's sibling whilst the despised child is kicked out to a kids club or random relatives. It's like fucking Cinderella.

Or do you all expect the DH to give up work to look after his DC bearing in mind that he is supporting the family from his wages.

OP, you are the adult. He is a little boy. He might not be always pleasant or likeable and this is always particular pronounced when you have got a baby (I bet it's a girl?) who no doubt is all cuteness and smiles. But this is your DC's brother, not a random kid. He is your family. So give him the love and attention he needs. If you can't feel genuine love, then either fake it or walk away.

And I despair of comments like this, which is full of nothing but idealistic fantasy.

I think you need to speak to your DH

I wish I could. He's extremely defensive of SS though, he wouldn't take on board anything I highly doubt and would just view it as me attacking his son for no reason.

He was 3 just turning 4. Which is why it's taken me this long to realise this I think. Before it was kind of oh he's cute, he's just a toddler, it'll get better with age etc... When actually he just gets worse and more unpleasant to be with as the years are going on.

That’s a really short time to have your mum and dad split up, your dad re-marry and to have a new sibling. He’s very young to have had to process all that. Again, I think you have to speak to your DH. Your SS doesn’t seem to have anyone on his team.