Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Christmas (already)

400 replies

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 14:36

DH has already had the start of the annual festive drama. This year is mum's year to have the DSC for Christmas but she doesn't want them this year as her boyfriend's child is coming on boxing day so they want to do a family thing then.

All fine but due to the every other year system we are going to see my family this year with LO. So I've said if she really insists then the DSC will just have to come with us to my parents and I'm not asking them to tone down if they want to spoil LO. It's not LO's fault.

Anyway now DH isn't happy because he doesn't want to be the one to say DSC aren't welcome at his either. I've said they are welcome but it's not going to be a great Christmas day spending it with my family knowing their own mum doesn't want them. Just ranting really. There's an agreement for a reason but she likes to try and break it then make DH look bad.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Starfish1021 · 17/10/2021 17:06

No one is coming out well on this thread. Their mum for changing the arrangements to suit her new partner. But goodness me. You really are making it sound like your family want nothing to do with your SC. They are family and you should make them feel like that. Having to tell relatives to even speak to them is weird. Things are only awkward when you actively make them so.

Datsandcogs · 17/10/2021 17:07

I think you need to look at the bigger picture. What happens next year, is it still DH’s turn or is ExW wanting to skip her year and expects them next year? I think what you do this year very much depends on what happens next year. If this year is an extra then go on with the plans that you had. If ExW wants to skip her year (but then have them next year) then you need to consider what you do next year on your year without the DSCs?

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 17:07

@Brollywasntneededafterall

You have to specifically ask your relatives to talk to your dc's sibling? Christ on a fucking bike...
No but I thought it might help if I ask someone to keep an eye out and if they look a bit left out to make sure they chat to them? Is that not a good idea?
OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 17:09

@Datsandcogs

I think you need to look at the bigger picture. What happens next year, is it still DH’s turn or is ExW wanting to skip her year and expects them next year? I think what you do this year very much depends on what happens next year. If this year is an extra then go on with the plans that you had. If ExW wants to skip her year (but then have them next year) then you need to consider what you do next year on your year without the DSCs?
Good point. I think she's tying to switch Christmases but maybe it depends what partners ex is doing? No idea but you're right DH should try and find out.
OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 17/10/2021 17:10

@Starfish1021

No one is coming out well on this thread. Their mum for changing the arrangements to suit her new partner. But goodness me. You really are making it sound like your family want nothing to do with your SC. They are family and you should make them feel like that. Having to tell relatives to even speak to them is weird. Things are only awkward when you actively make them so.
She's not making it sound like that at all, people are simply jumping to that conclusion.
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 17:10

we were hoping to go away next year so we should probably get that sorted out too

OP posts:
Goldbar · 17/10/2021 17:11

Are you staying with your parents or just going for the day?

Aposterhasnoname · 17/10/2021 17:16

I’m a grandmother, my DD has a step son, who I rarely see. They do every other year with his mother. On the years they have him, he comes to ours and I make sure he’s equal with his brother. On the years he’s not here, I send him presents, but it’s probably not equal. I feel sorry for your DSS

sofakingcool · 17/10/2021 17:24

@AutumnLeafy

we were hoping to go away next year so we should probably get that sorted out too
So what will be the set up next year?
cravingmilkshake · 17/10/2021 17:45

Get over yourself.... if this were my family, we would let them know and they would make a fuss over the step children too.

You and your side of the family sound awful and are not coming across well here.

RicStar · 17/10/2021 17:52

I do have sympathy op that your plans are being changed but luckily you have lots of time and after last year we are all used to this now. Unfortunately its really down to dsc parents to agree arrangements and if that has now been done, unfortunately you will have to be adaptable. Perhaps you could take your dc to your folks, dh could take them to his parents for the morning and all go to yours/ your parents for lunch - obviously depends on distances involved.

aSofaNearYou · 17/10/2021 17:59

@cravingmilkshake

Get over yourself.... if this were my family, we would let them know and they would make a fuss over the step children too.

You and your side of the family sound awful and are not coming across well here.

They aren't coming across nearly as badly as half the posters on this thread.

What is wrong with people? OP and her family have all said they are welcome to come. OP just thinks they won't enjoy it as much because it isn't a group they know well, but she doesn't want to have to cancel as her DH is trying to suggest.

All this nonsense about OP and her family being awful people who are ostracisizing the SC is absolute nonsense. There is no evidence of that whatsoever.

Where are the people with common sense?

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 17:59

So what will be the set up next year?

Well we thought we would take them away for Christmas over near DH's family as it was "his" year. But who knows now we might just go for the day on boxing day and stay one night. But as PP have mentioned DH needs to establish if this xmas is a one off extra or a switch.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 18:03

What is wrong with people? OP and her family have all said they are welcome to come. OP just thinks they won't enjoy it as much because it isn't a group they know well, but she doesn't want to have to cancel as her DH is trying to suggest. thank you! I was starting to feel like I must be terrible and hadn't realised it. My family are so kind, they are just a bit awkward. They don't have experience with teenagers and have only met DSC a few times and when they have it's been a bit awkward all round. Not horrible just awkwardness of not really knowing each other. As PP have suggested maybe Christmas will help with this. And I can ask my most talkative least awkward family member to help.

OP posts:
CharlieP1977 · 17/10/2021 18:04

@AutumnLeafy

I think it's upsetting to read a post like this where it's obvious the stepmother doesn't really want them there. I don't mind either way if they are here or not. What I do not want to do is tell my family they can't make a fuss over LO or have to try and sort of equal it out. That would feel false. Their own mother doesn't want them there as she wants to spend Xmas with her partner then have a big family do on boxing day.
You & your family don't need to feel guilty about not giving the same amount of presents and attention to the SC. They will get more the next day with their second Christmas so should feel lucky. If the children feel disappointed with their Christmas then they can speak to their mother about why she has put this new arrangement over the child agreement. Xx
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 18:05

@Goldbar just the day. So maybe if we head over a bit later than usual and head back a bit earlier?

OP posts:
Goldbar · 17/10/2021 18:13

Why don't you take your DC over for the whole day and (if you're sure your family can be trusted not to ruin it for them) your DH can bring your DSC over for Christmas dinner? Then he and they can do big kid stuff for the rest of the day. Your DH will probably prefer that arrangement as it means he doesn't have to put up with your family for the whole day either.

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 18:19

@Goldbar ooh that's a good idea. Then my family get time to fuss over LO without worrying about DSC and they get a bit of dad time and their mum might let them facetime. Or would it not feel a bit like me and LO are a seperate family? Instead of a blended one. See this is where I get all frazzled. Really it will all just work itself out.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 18:21

Thanks @CharlieP1977 I didn't think there was anything wrong with my family not spending as much seeing as they hardly know them or have much to do with them. But there's that little doubt that creeps in sometimes!

OP posts:
Goldbar · 17/10/2021 18:25

If your DSC aren't around when the presents are being opened, it won't matter if your LO gets lots of presents. Your parents can buy DSC a couple of gifts and give them to DSC when they arrive, but DSC won't be sitting around watching everyone else open presents and being left out.

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 18:26

Yeah that's a good solution thanks @Goldbar

OP posts:
CharlieP1977 · 17/10/2021 18:45

@Goldbar

If your DSC aren't around when the presents are being opened, it won't matter if your LO gets lots of presents. Your parents can buy DSC a couple of gifts and give them to DSC when they arrive, but DSC won't be sitting around watching everyone else open presents and being left out.
That's a great idea !
lunar1 · 17/10/2021 19:55

Your parents might be a bit socially awkward, but are they good people?

They have raised children and have extended family, I honestly don't think it's going to be as bad as you think. You have advanced warning.

Ive done a mad dash on Christmas Eve before to get a few bits for step children I'd never met that ended up coming to mine last minute.

At their ages gifted look very different to toddler ones anyway.

Yes the mum is being shit, the are old enough to realise that you are breaking the tradition, so welcome them and let your family know ASAP. Don't make it a race for them to feel unwanted everywhere.

opinionminion · 17/10/2021 20:10

Surely step children are family too.
My gran included all her grand children step or not. Will they really be thinking mum doesn't want them ? They will be with their dad - that's great !!! I think this is your personal view but not a child's one.

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 20:14

The last two posts are so contradictory! Either they won't care and will be like yay! Christmas with dad! Or they are going to realise this isn't in the pattern and feel unwanted. Anyway. We'll make the most of it and I'll try not to overthink it.

And yes my parents are good people.

OP posts: