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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Christmas (already)

400 replies

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 14:36

DH has already had the start of the annual festive drama. This year is mum's year to have the DSC for Christmas but she doesn't want them this year as her boyfriend's child is coming on boxing day so they want to do a family thing then.

All fine but due to the every other year system we are going to see my family this year with LO. So I've said if she really insists then the DSC will just have to come with us to my parents and I'm not asking them to tone down if they want to spoil LO. It's not LO's fault.

Anyway now DH isn't happy because he doesn't want to be the one to say DSC aren't welcome at his either. I've said they are welcome but it's not going to be a great Christmas day spending it with my family knowing their own mum doesn't want them. Just ranting really. There's an agreement for a reason but she likes to try and break it then make DH look bad.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

lovelovelove2 · 17/10/2021 15:14

But why won't all the children be made a fuss of?
I hate the thought that there are people who treat step children so differently. They are all kids , they are you child's siblings they should all be treated equally

Original poster

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 15:14

@IWantT0BreakFree thank you for understanding. You seem to get where I am coming from. I don't think they will enjoy it so it doesn't seem fair on them but at the same time it doesn't seem fair for my family to miss out on seeing LO at christmas and I have so many happy memories of spending time with my wider family at Christmas I sort of assumed my LO would have that every other year and that is the compromise I make as a stepmum.

OP posts:

Laserbird16 · 17/10/2021 15:15

Define making a fuss. Lots of presents? Or lots of attention? Why not just make a fuss of all the children present?

I don't think your DH is right to change your Christmas plans with your family but he sounds worried his kids will be left out. Make sure that does happen

Original poster

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 15:15

@lovelovelove2

But why won't all the children be made a fuss of? I hate the thought that there are people who treat step children so differently. They are all kids , they are you child's siblings they should all be treated equally

Because they are not small children and hardly know them so it would be REALLY weird if they suddenly started fussing and spoiling them and going oooh cute!

OP posts:

MintMatchmaker · 17/10/2021 15:15

Your family are their family? I feel for the child if you, your DH or your family don’t feel that way.

Pebbledashery · 17/10/2021 15:16

All sounds very juvenile and petty to me. Poor kids. Feel sorry for them.

lovelovelove2 · 17/10/2021 15:18

How old are the step kids? Sorry what I find weird is that they don't really know your family.

Idontlike · 17/10/2021 15:18

@Wellonlyifihaveto

Why would ur dh not want his own kids for Xmas? Just go to your family and make sure they’re made a fuss of too surely? No need to make them feel worse because neither parent really wants them there

Exactly!

Poor kids.

beccahamlet · 17/10/2021 15:18

It's worrying you saying 'their mum doesn't want them on Christmas Day' . That's not really true is it? It just suits her better to have them boxing day. I hope they haven t picked up on your thoughts.
TBH I don t see why you shouldn' t all go to your family and have a wonderful time. The SC will love being with the little ones.

Pebbledashery · 17/10/2021 15:19

Also think you're pre-empting a bit much. I'm sure the kids will be fine, your parents will be fine.. Kids are adaptable. You're coming across like you just want your child to be the centre of attention

AshyBlueBear · 17/10/2021 15:20

But your family is their family too. It’ll be a great opportunity for your side of the family to get to know them!

CocaColaTruck1 · 17/10/2021 15:20

Because they are not small children and hardly know them so it would be REALLY weird if they suddenly started fussing and spoiling them and going oooh cute!

Making a fuss over a child is not always going on about how cute they are?

Rainbow0821 · 17/10/2021 15:20

Sorry I think YABU. The kids always come first. Even if you have to change your plans to ensure their happiness. That's the selfless act of parenting.

Original poster

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 15:21

@Pebbledashery

I really don't. I just want my family to be able to spoil them and make a fuss without anyone feeling awkward. You're right I'm probably overthinking. They'll be fine, I might get a board game or something that takes some of the pressure to chat off them.

OP posts:

Original poster

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 15:21

@Rainbow0821

Sorry I think YABU. The kids always come first. Even if you have to change your plans to ensure their happiness. That's the selfless act of parenting.

They haven't come first to mum though. Her boyfriend's custody arrangements have.

OP posts:

rjacksmiss · 17/10/2021 15:22

Don't they see your sc as part of your family though and treat them the same? Or are they just your Dh's kids?

AshyBlueBear · 17/10/2021 15:24

The problem is you clearly don’t see your SC as part of the family.

purlyknits · 17/10/2021 15:27

I feel so sorry for these children.
What a shame they're not small and cute.
I mean, they mean nothing at Christmas unless they're small and cute 🙄
OP I have a feeling that it's you who has an issue with these kids, not your family.

ancientgran · 17/10/2021 15:28

But the lovely thing is your LO will get to spend Christmas Day with their siblings and hopefully the siblings will love that as well.

When I remarried and had a 2 more children we always shared Christmas Day with my ex. So I had the Christmas Eve and Christmas day till lunch (some times they'd eat with us and some years with dad)they went off with dad and he had them for the rest of Christmas Day and Boxing Day. We thought it was ideal as we never missed a Christmas Day with them.

Original poster

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 15:30

@rjacksmiss

Don't they see your sc as part of your family though and treat them the same? Or are they just your Dh's kids?

They haven't had much chance to spend time with them so they aren't really sure what to be to them if that makes sense. They don't treat them them same as haven't spend much time with them so that would seem a little odd? But maybe this is a good opportunity. If people don't think it will be too odd for them then we'll go for it. They'll have two Xmas dinners in a row and will love that!

OP posts:

Harlequin1088 · 17/10/2021 15:30

Feel your pain OP. I'm anticipating the festive fiasco will start being discussed regarding my stepsons in the next couple of weeks. Wouldn't put it past their mother to say she's having them this year then dump them on our doorstep unannounced on Xmas morning...🙄

Pebbledashery · 17/10/2021 15:31

I think if i was you, given the mum is being a selfish cow, I'd go out of my way to make these kids welcome at your parents. You are definitely coming across like it's basically an inconvenience for you, your dc comes first and you're not willing to change the level of attention and spoiling she will get.
It's a bit sad really that none of these so called responsible adults in these children's lives want them around.

Original poster

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 15:32

@ancientgran I'm thinking that might be a good way forward if that's what the kids want but we'll see how this goes. I can imagine teen DSC being a bit put out at having to change the routine for her mums boyfriend's kid but we'll see. I'll try and put a positive OoOh two dinners spin on it.

OP posts:

Cattitudes · 17/10/2021 15:38

Will it impact on when your in laws see them- i.e on your 'dh's year' do you go to see in laws? Having said that I think most older children enjoy seeing younger children enjoy Christmas. It reminds them of their childhood. Maybe bring stockings for them if all the other children will have them.

Rainbow0821 · 17/10/2021 15:39

@AshyBlueBear

The problem is you clearly don’t see your SC as part of the family.

I agree with this.

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