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Original poster

Christmas (already)

400 replies

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 14:36

DH has already had the start of the annual festive drama. This year is mum's year to have the DSC for Christmas but she doesn't want them this year as her boyfriend's child is coming on boxing day so they want to do a family thing then.

All fine but due to the every other year system we are going to see my family this year with LO. So I've said if she really insists then the DSC will just have to come with us to my parents and I'm not asking them to tone down if they want to spoil LO. It's not LO's fault.

Anyway now DH isn't happy because he doesn't want to be the one to say DSC aren't welcome at his either. I've said they are welcome but it's not going to be a great Christmas day spending it with my family knowing their own mum doesn't want them. Just ranting really. There's an agreement for a reason but she likes to try and break it then make DH look bad.

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gogohm · 17/10/2021 20:21

I do get it, similar story here, had dps kids last year (covid fair enough, my kids were elsewhere as at university, and his ex has announced she's not got anywhere for them both to stay this year because shes moved - I have a choice of seeing my kids who want to go to grandparents and leaving dp and (older) kids at home or be at home and not see my kids.

Justbecause88 · 17/10/2021 20:24

I feel for you OP, I would be equally as frustrated about the change in plans. I am a step mother too so do every other Christmas with families co-ordinated with DSC. I think a lot of it depends on how Christmas is structured, if everyone sits round giving presents and watching everyone open them then I think that's a bit awkward for DSC. PP have suggested you going earlier and DH meeting you with the DSC later, I think this is a great compromise. I know it's not how you pictured your day with DH and your LO and family but it sounds like there is a big age gap between the kids so you have plenty of Christmases to come! I think as frustrating as it is a few sacrifices need to be made this year. I only say that because I have now reached the stage where i don't let my DSC's mother get to me!

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 20:53

Thanks glad I'm not alone!

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Sugarcube84 · 17/10/2021 21:26

Sorry I’ve not read the whole thread but got to page 3.

Essentially what your saying is that your dsc don’t know your family very well as presumably you spend every other weekend (like we do) prioritising maintaining relationships with your Dh’s family. Although my dsc know my family they are not as comfortable with them as their own which is understandable.

Due to the every other year arrangement that’s been in place you have taken the opportunity of it not bring your Xmas day with dsc to arrange Xmas day with your family, now this has changed and you face 2 issues 1/ you know it won’t be as enjoyable for your dsc as they don’t know your family as well and 2/ you are struggling to work out how to fit in seeing your DH’s family as this was arranged for Boxing Day.

I totally understand the problems/logistics faced as I’ve been in a similar boat. The way I see it is that the plans are already made so you carry on with Xmas day with your family and include your dsc. As their mum has made the change I’d be pushing for further compromises on her part and ask for them from lunchtime Xmas Eve so you can spend Xmas Eve with dh’s family or if she’s unwilling to not wake up with them Xmas morning like my Dh ex then she has to accept getting them back Boxing Day at 1ish so you and your dh family can do breakfast/brunch/buffet.

Don’t roll over and give in on your Xmas but accommodate and compromise so dsc can have a fab Xmas with all their family.

SnowWhitesSM · 17/10/2021 21:30

I understand why you're upset. It's nothing to do with the dc It's not being in control of your own life.

I would ask them, once they know, what they think would make Christmas good at your parents. Explain to them that your parents are scared of teenagers and make a joke about it. Suggest things like - choose a Xmas film to bring over for everyone to watch (who doesn't love home alone) bring their console over and set up in a bedroom so they can escape if needed (but not till after lunch or whatever time you think best) and tell them that your parents are looking forward to seeing them even if they don't have well developed teen social skills.

doodleygirl · 17/10/2021 21:39

This makes no sense to me. How come your SC don’t know your family, you are married to their dad.

My dsc are involved in all family life, which includes my extended family, Xmas, birthdays and general celebrations. If they are with us and it’s a family event they come along and are treated the same as all of the children.

Your set up sounds a bit odd.

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 21:44

@Sugarcube84 that's the situation exactly. They are here every other weekend and half the holidays so we don't do loads with my family, mostly seeing DH's family.

@doodleygirl we don't as a family have loads of birthday celebrations. Xmas has always been every other year so it just made sense to see DHs family on the year the DSC are with him and my family on the years they aren't. Just felt a bit harsh on DH's parents to say sorry you can't see them for Xmas this year as we are going to Autumn's family.

Thanks to everyone who has understood and offered advice on how to make this a happy Christmas for everyone. It's really appreciated.

OP posts:
hg165 · 17/10/2021 21:46

I have so many happy memories of spending time with my wider family at Christmas I sort of assumed my LO would have that every other year and that is the compromise I make as a stepmum

what age is your DC? I get the impression they are really young in which case will it really have that much impact on their memories of their childhood to spend xmas at home with mum, dad and half siblings?

This shouldn't be about the other adults, the kids should come first

Sugarcube84 · 17/10/2021 21:50

Both my mum and my stepmum have said they feel they should treat all the kids the same but the reality is they they hardly see/know my dsc. Our weekends with them are spent at football with dss, entertaining the dsc swimming etc and seeing their grandparents, aunts uncles cousins. They see my family if a special occasion falls on their weekend but we don’t go visiting we leave that for during the week and the weekend we don’t have dsc.

Consequently my mum/stepmum have decided they will spend more on their grandkids on their birthday (as it’s not noticed as much) and on Xmas where presents will be opened separately. Totally their decision but one they had to feel comfortable with

kateg27 · 17/10/2021 21:52

@AutumnLeafy your parents sound like tw**s not just awkward people. My MIL is nasty like them too. She had the cheek to come to my house and not acknowledge my older children, only ours together. She also referred to them as half-brother and half-sister to my 2. No we don't do halves in our house, she knows that.
I love having my step-daughter around and all the siblings being together. Why wouldn't you want your little one to be with his siblings at Christmas?
The kids mum has only asked to change days so all the kids can be together on Boxing Day. This way they see their sibling at yours and the ones at their mums the following day. Sounds like they'll have a lovely Christmas to me.

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 21:55

@kateg27 that's my parents you're talking about. Why do you have to be so hurtful. A bit of respect, they have done nothing wrong here.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 21:56

And we do halves and the DSC are proud of their half. It helps them realise they have a bond between themselves which is different to their bond with their half sibling and that's ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 21:57

@Sugarcube84 that's exactly the sort of set up here. There's no ill intent meant, and the DSC don't seem that fussed.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/10/2021 22:00

If I were your DH I’d stay home with the children and you could take baby and see your family. Baby is too young to know what day it is anyway.

Barton10 · 17/10/2021 22:10

Why don’t you go to the in laws Christmas Day with the step dc and them go to your family on Boxing Day? The most important thing is that dsc feel loved and wanted by their Father. When you marry somebody with children you can’t always have everything your own way. You come across as very resentful towards them tbh and they will pick up on this.

SeasonFinale · 17/10/2021 22:13

Pretty poor show that your parents don't consider their step grandchildren as grandchildren then of the issue is they wknt be nice to the DSC on Christmas day of all days

MacMahon · 17/10/2021 22:20

When will DH’s family spend time with him and his DC?

I agree that the best thing is for you and your DH to host Christmas Day.

TwoDots · 17/10/2021 22:23

Good god, I got as far as page 2 and couldn’t read anymore.

Op, I totally get where you are coming from. You’re not saying they’re unwanted, but had genuine concerns about how good it would really be for them. Why are you expected to make all the sacrifices and change your plans when the mum has actually done a really shitty thing? And yet so many in here think she’s done no wrong and you’re the bad one.

I appreciate I’ve not read 6 pages as it was too frustrating so sorry if I’ve missed anything but I wanted to say YANBU. People really jumped on the evil stepmother bandwagon with this one

Justbecause88 · 17/10/2021 22:38

Agree @TwoDots it's shitty reading!! God forbid OP be upset that she has to alter pre arranged Christmas plans to suit the mother who hasn't put her kids first. Anti stepmum at its finest.

TwinsandTrifle · 17/10/2021 22:38

@TwoDots

Good god, I got as far as page 2 and couldn’t read anymore.

Op, I totally get where you are coming from. You’re not saying they’re unwanted, but had genuine concerns about how good it would really be for them. Why are you expected to make all the sacrifices and change your plans when the mum has actually done a really shitty thing? And yet so many in here think she’s done no wrong and you’re the bad one.

I appreciate I’ve not read 6 pages as it was too frustrating so sorry if I’ve missed anything but I wanted to say YANBU. People really jumped on the evil stepmother bandwagon with this one

Nail on the head.

Actual mother's behaviour is overlooked. As it usually is. OP is trying to work out how this woman's two children will feel the most comfortable after their own mother has turfed them out on Christmas Day to accommodate her boyfriend's schedule. They aren't supposed to be with Dad this year, they were last year. So this is the second consecutive Christmas they won't spend with their own mother. And next year? It's supposedly dad's proper turn to have them again. So that's three years she's not had her own children. They're teens. They will have clocked this.

But of course, it's OP trying to find a way to make them as settled as possible who's the shitty parent Hmm

PineappleWaster · 17/10/2021 22:49

@doodleygirl

This makes no sense to me. How come your SC don’t know your family, you are married to their dad.

My dsc are involved in all family life, which includes my extended family, Xmas, birthdays and general celebrations. If they are with us and it’s a family event they come along and are treated the same as all of the children.

Your set up sounds a bit odd.

Why is it odd?

Not all families work the same.

My parents absolutely dote on my son. He's their grandchild.

They barely know my step children really. They are nice to them, but they don't see them as grandparents, there is no real bond there. They have grandparents, they don't have that relationship with my parents.

We do loads of stuff in our family that people on here would probably think terrible 🤷‍♀️ sometimes my Mum comes and takes my son out to do something fun and doesn't take DSC even though they are here at our house as well, they spend much more on our son at Christmas and birthdays etc... DUN DUN DUNNNN. Literally no one is ever bothered at all. I often think all this completely equal treatment BS is fretted about by the adults unnecessarily, a lot of the time the kids won't care.

Starseeking · 17/10/2021 23:21

Sorry you're getting such a hard time here OP. It sounds like the lack out control over your own situation plus the fact that your DH's EX appears to be dictating how you spend Christmas is getting you down.

I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt and left the relationship!

When I was with my EXDP, my family met DSS at age 5, and saw DSS perhaps 2 or 3 times a year until we split when he was 11, as EXDP actively discouraged a relationship. One of those times was ALWAYS Christmas, as EXDP knew my parents would buy DSS a present.

In contrast, my parents saw my DCs almost every day from birth, looked after them full-time when I went back to work at 8 months after each DC, and spend time with them on outings taken independently of me. It was a totally different relationship. Now I'm not with EXDP, they've not asked much about EXDSS, however they'd be devastated not to ever see my DCs again.

While people don't like to admit it, extended family can sometimes see DSC's as different to the DCs because they have no connection to them. I don't think the OP should be lambasted for that. Her family can't be expected to go out and buy a whole load of extra presents for a DC they barely know, and here they DO buy a token present. What might help the situation is if you all spend Christmas morning at home with everyone, then you go to your family with your DC alone, if your DH feels his DC won't enjoy being there.

TwinsandTrifle · 17/10/2021 23:46

While people don't like to admit it, extended family can sometimes see DSC's as different to the DCs because they have no connection to them.

Exactly this. Maybe if custody is more of a 50/50 then a better integration will naturally happen. But when the SDC are only there every other weekend, funnily enough, this time is spent with Dad. Maybe their grandparents/dad's parents. Sometimes a trip to their aunty/uncle.

It's not usually a priority to take them in this brief contact period, to spend time with their stepmother's extended family. So for completely valid, and non malicious reason, the SM extended family do not hold the same bond as they do for the resident children of the SM who they see very regularly. In PPs example, daily.

The issue here is not that their SM extended family aren't accommodating. They are most likely very nice people. It's that SDC just haven't really had too much to do with them, and might feel weird spending a close, intimate, family based day, at their house. And none of this would even be up for discussion if their own mother looked after them on Christmas Day like she is supposed to be doing, as opposed to putting her boyfriend's schedule first.

Hathertonhariden · 17/10/2021 23:57

Why doesn't your dh take the dsc to his family on Xmas day whilst you are with your family? If he drops you off and picks you up that would limit the time that your family have to spend with the dsc and they don't need to give a present if they don't want to.

Your family will probably be pleased to have you and LO to themselves and there not be any awkwardness. LO will be oblivious to the lack of DF and siblings if they are very small and being fussed over.

Springplanting · 18/10/2021 00:16

Those poor kids. The casulties of a blended family.

Their mother is a disgrace for prioritising her boyfriend over her kids.

Parents should always put their kids before their selfishness.