Christmas (already)

[AutumnLeafy]

DH has already had the start of the annual festive drama. This year is mum's year to have the DSC for Christmas but she doesn't want them this year as her boyfriend's child is coming on boxing day so they want to do a family thing then.

All fine but due to the every other year system we are going to see my family this year with LO. So I've said if she really insists then the DSC will just have to come with us to my parents and I'm not asking them to tone down if they want to spoil LO. It's not LO's fault.

Anyway now DH isn't happy because he doesn't want to be the one to say DSC aren't welcome at his either. I've said they are welcome but it's not going to be a great Christmas day spending it with my family knowing their own mum doesn't want them. Just ranting really. There's an agreement for a reason but she likes to try and break it then make DH look bad.

@AutumnLeafy

I see nothing unreasonable about only doing Xmas once from a stress, financial and logistical point of view I see what you're saying. But her partner can do Christmas with his child the next day at his own house if the thought of 2 Christmases is too much for mum.

Exactly OP.

There is nothing unreasonable about wanting this or asking to see if it's possible to change arrangements. What's unreasonable is becoming spiteful when your request is not possible.

Hopefully next year she will engage earlier if she needs to switch days to line up with her partner and the other child in the equation, and at least your DH will know to check in about this possibility before other plans are solidly agreed to. He didn't have that opportunity this year.

Yes he's already said he is expecting them next year for Christmas day. Giving her a chance now to ask to swap.

@Getawaywithit

I agree with you that there's no reason to call the mum a bad mum for wanting to swap (though I would argue it's not a good idea to do so at this point in the year when the kids are expecting to be with her and used to it alternating) but as has been said, SHE is the one who has assumed there is not two equally reasonable sides to the situation and immediately hit back with "since you don't want the kids and won't put them first". She is the primary person actively doing what you say you disapprove of.

I wouldn't encourage OP and her DH to badmouth their mum but equally I would be preparing to explain the situation to them if their mum is going to in any way pass on the false message that Dad didn't want them.

@aSofaNearYou yep DH has already planned what to say so that mum doesn't come off badly but they know they are always welcome here. It's a minefield and no one wants to break their precious hearts.

But her partner can do Christmas with his child the next day at his own house if the thought of 2 Christmases is too much for mum

But they wanted to do it as a blended family? There's really nothing wrong with that. Unless we are saying your partner can 'move on' but mum can't unless it fits with the schedule?

Honestly, it isn't something I would have asked for but I can see why it might work for some people. I can also see that if the partner is new, it wouldn't perhaps have been possible to anticipate this is the position they would be in come Xmas so an earlier request was never a possibility. You're right, the issue is turning it around on the ex and making it his fault, I don't disagree, but the nastiness towards someone who in all probability is just trying to make something work with all the same logistics that everyone else is facing was unnecessary. I appreciate you haven't been unpleasant, OP.

But they wanted to do it as a blended family? yep but that's tough. Blended family doesn't trump grandma imo.

Oh and yes I agree the nastiness is in the attitude towards my DH for saying no. Asking nicely, fine.

Sorry, the nastiness was also towards the ex. Some really unpleasant name-calling and assumptions about her intentions. Despite me writing several times over the thread 'why is it wrong to just want to do one Christmas?', it has been assumed this is all about wanting a cosy Xmas with her new partner. I agree that it probably is that simple, but it might not be and no one deserves to be called a 'bad mum' because they just want to enjoy their relationship.

@Getawaywithit ah I see. All she told us was she wanted to do a blended family Xmas on boxing day and it was super important the family can blend so she didn't want them on Christmas day as partner has his kids on boxing day. They don't even live together so I don't think it would be that weird to have two Christmasses but that is none of my business.

@Getawaywithit

But her partner can do Christmas with his child the next day at his own house if the thought of 2 Christmases is too much for mum

But they wanted to do it as a blended family? There's really nothing wrong with that. Unless we are saying your partner can 'move on' but mum can't unless it fits with the schedule?

Honestly, it isn't something I would have asked for but I can see why it might work for some people. I can also see that if the partner is new, it wouldn't perhaps have been possible to anticipate this is the position they would be in come Xmas so an earlier request was never a possibility. You're right, the issue is turning it around on the ex and making it his fault, I don't disagree, but the nastiness towards someone who in all probability is just trying to make something work with all the same logistics that everyone else is facing was unnecessary. I appreciate you haven't been unpleasant, OP.

I think most of us agree with you @Getawaywithit ?

Even OP agrees there is absolutely nothing wrong with her preferring to do the day with her partner and his child, but it's unfortunately just not workable this year at this notice.

But totally agree that all unpleasantness on this (and any!!) thread in either direction is unnecessary and unhelpful.

How dare mothers move on, eh

Don’t be ridiculous Getawaywithit.
Mums ARE allowed to move on 100%.
That doesn’t mean that when it’s her day to have her children she gets an automatic right to swap “because she’s allowed to move on”.
I’m all for flexibility to accommodate both parents’ lives and plans. But if there is an occasion where it doesn’t suit the other parent to swap, then it really is tough shit. Unless it’s a dire emergency of course.

But nobody said the mum can’t move on. I’m a single mum and I broke up with my ex 2 years ago. I have moved on (not in a relationship), but moved on in the sense that I have my own life now. My plans don’t get to dictate everyone’s lives. And I certainly don’t stomp my feet and accuse people of not letting me move on when people don’t accommodate my plans.

Haven't read the whole thread but am 'WTF?' about the replies I have read.

I think their mum is behaving appallingly - her new boyfriends arrangements should have no impact at all on her plans with her kids, can't believe anyone would think otherwise. If you don't want the hassle/expense of 2 Christmases, fine, just do it on the 25th with your own kids as planned and let the bf sort out his own day with his kids. The DCs are more than old enough to understand their mums choices here, no matter how anyone tries to dress it up as a positive thing. They'll know they are being prioritised.

I can understand your concerns OP - I have 2 nieces similar ages to your SC and I think they would feel really awkward spending Xmas day with a family they hardly know. I don't think there's much you can do about it though - could you host so at least they're in an environment they're used to?

Shit situation and unhelpfully I'd be fuming with their mum - but it's not the kids fault, all you can do is try and make the best of the day. They might surprise you and really enjoy it. Have you got a games console where you can shot party games on (Just Dance, etc) for both the DCs and adults to join in? Hard to feel awkward when everyone's making dicks of themselves playing party games

*aren't being prioritised.

Threads like this honestly make me want to bang my head off a wall! Such a load of sanctimonious hand wringing over children who are quite obviously very well cared for and loved!
I'm a dm & there is no way I would expect my dc to give up their Christmas time with their grandparents (exh's parents) just to suit my new partners set up - mainly because gp time (especially with an nrp) is precious time & won't always be a thing!
The dm was chancing her luck & got told No. This is not bad parenting or neglect & some of you really need to get off your fluffy clouds & come live in the real world.

Ahhh @Magda72, always the voice of reason on these threads

Isn’t this just the usual MN double standards? If the non resident father had decided that the arrangement needed to be changed to suit his wife, then she’d be evil and he’d be an awful father. But mum does it? Perfectly reasonable. Dad and the stepmother are clearly in the wrong for not immediately doing exactly what the children’s mother wants.

Don't worry op, my parents won't be buying anything / maybe a token present for my stepson. He has plenty bought for him and they've met him a handful of times and hardly know him. They are not his family.
Such a load of rubbish on here about buying the same amount. How odd to receive a sack load of presents from someone you don't know

You can tell who the bitter Ex's are on this thread by the responses... standing up for a mum trying to change up a court agreement just to suit her new boyfriend.

You absolutely cannot blame to dad for any of this situation. He is actually offering to have them for more time... but these bitter ladies obviously have to make him out to be the bad one

[quote LittleMysSister]@Getawaywithit I do completely agree with you that mum has done nothing wrong to ask. I am certainly not one of the people who called her a bad mum for trying to sort this out, and wouldn't do so.

However what I do think is wrong is that when OP's DH said no, she subsequently turned the request on him and accused him of 'not wanting the children there' and 'not putting the children first', when it's actually her who specifically doesn't want them to be with her on Christmas Day so she doesn't have to celebrate twice.

And I also get frustrated with the amount of comments on here which consider dads as second-class parents. Not directed at you, but there have been many comments with people criticising him for not immediately cancelling his Boxing Day plans with his children and his own parents & family so that his ex can do what she wanted with her boyfriend. Or saying that if he doesn't agree then he's risking not getting to see them over Christmas?!! Mums don't just lend children out to their fathers, he has every right to expect to have them as agreed and it's unbelievable to me that people think he's in the wrong for not being able to change his plans on demand like this.

Re not everyone having to organise in advance, of course it's true that if you don't have any family you don't have to worry about organising ahead of time, but that's not the case for OP otherwise there would be no issue.[/quote]
This !

@Vix1977

You can tell who the bitter Ex's are on this thread by the responses... standing up for a mum trying to change up a court agreement just to suit her new boyfriend.

You absolutely cannot blame to dad for any of this situation. He is actually offering to have them for more time... but these bitter ladies obviously have to make him out to be the bad one

This is a big part of why they're ex's.

You'll find them on every thread. And I love that their numbers are dwindling. People don't put up with that shit anymore, they just go to court or call the ex out on their bullshit behaviour and refuse it. Like OP and her husband.

Long may it strengthen and continue

Egh I'm gonna say it, on this case yes I do think the mum is a bad mum based on what's been shared here. I would say I'm sorry but I'm not.

Not for asking to switch (that is fine, give abs take ect) but for demanding a switch and throwing toys out of the pram when told no while knowing the change was to the detriment of her children by putting new partner and his kids first, gaslighting the ex, general being inconsiderate to everyone else who are the children's outer support network. That kind of "it's ok because I'm alright jack" gets on my last nerve and is detrimental to the kids in the end.

However I would say this if dad had been in mums shoes and he was trying to pull this type of thing too. Nothing about mum can't move on, it's just if you pull the card "you don't put the kids first" on a ex make sure your house is spotless while doing so.

Anyway I said what I said 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sorry I'm usually for the poster (and usually on the SMS side on this thread) but it sounds like mum is trying to do the best for her DC here?

In normal circumstances it's a fight to get the DC's on Christmas Day so of course your DH is going to want to have them, why wouldn't they? I understand your parents want to spoil your LO (is your LO also your husbands?) Which is fine but it doesn't stop them doing that just because DSC are there. Sounds like the mum is wanting to rearrange Christmas because having them on Boxing Day rather than Christmas Day because would be better for THEM and that's what matters isn't it? On the other hand it seems that you don't want DC on Christmas Day because it's better for YOU and YOUR parents.

The kids are what matters here. Don't make your husband choose between your needs and his children.

@themadcatparade

Sorry I'm usually for the poster (and usually on the SMS side on this thread) but it sounds like mum is trying to do the best for her DC here?

In normal circumstances it's a fight to get the DC's on Christmas Day so of course your DH is going to want to have them, why wouldn't they? I understand your parents want to spoil your LO (is your LO also your husbands?) Which is fine but it doesn't stop them doing that just because DSC are there. Sounds like the mum is wanting to rearrange Christmas because having them on Boxing Day rather than Christmas Day because would be better for THEM and that's what matters isn't it? On the other hand it seems that you don't want DC on Christmas Day because it's better for YOU and YOUR parents.

The kids are what matters here. Don't make your husband choose between your needs and his children.

I don't think you've quite caught onto OPs meaning, you've been surprisingly unkind about OPs perspective, and kind about the mother's, twisting them from what was actually said.

She doesn't mind them being there, she was concerned it wasn't a good idea because THEY wouldn't enjoy it as much.

And I'm not sure how cancelling having Christmas with them can be seen as the mum trying to do what's best for them. It sounds very much like she's trying to do what's best for her boyfriend's kids, so they don't think dad has had Christmas with OPs kids and not them. Not necessarily unreasonable, but it doesn't really sound like it's being done to benefit her kids.

@themadcatparade

Sorry I'm usually for the poster (and usually on the SMS side on this thread) but it sounds like mum is trying to do the best for her DC here?

In normal circumstances it's a fight to get the DC's on Christmas Day so of course your DH is going to want to have them, why wouldn't they? I understand your parents want to spoil your LO (is your LO also your husbands?) Which is fine but it doesn't stop them doing that just because DSC are there. Sounds like the mum is wanting to rearrange Christmas because having them on Boxing Day rather than Christmas Day because would be better for THEM and that's what matters isn't it? On the other hand it seems that you don't want DC on Christmas Day because it's better for YOU and YOUR parents.

The kids are what matters here. Don't make your husband choose between your needs and his children.

I have to ask: how is their mother changing a long-standing arrangement and not having her children on Christmas Day to suit her boyfriend's contact arrangement better for the children?

@themadcatparade I agree with Sofa, not sure how mum's actions are benefitting her children?

Her preference was to send her children to OP's barely-known family for Christmas Day rather than spending it with them herself?

Then she wanted them to miss out on spending the day with their own paternal grandparents & family on the 26th so that they can spend it with her boyfriend and his child instead?

I pretty's unlikely that 2 teens would rather spend Christmas with their stepmum's family and then Boxing Day with their mum's boyfriend and his kid, instead of having one day at home with their mum and the next with their dad and grandparents.

At least it is sorted now anyway.