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Original poster

Christmas (already)

400 replies

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 14:36

DH has already had the start of the annual festive drama. This year is mum's year to have the DSC for Christmas but she doesn't want them this year as her boyfriend's child is coming on boxing day so they want to do a family thing then.

All fine but due to the every other year system we are going to see my family this year with LO. So I've said if she really insists then the DSC will just have to come with us to my parents and I'm not asking them to tone down if they want to spoil LO. It's not LO's fault.

Anyway now DH isn't happy because he doesn't want to be the one to say DSC aren't welcome at his either. I've said they are welcome but it's not going to be a great Christmas day spending it with my family knowing their own mum doesn't want them. Just ranting really. There's an agreement for a reason but she likes to try and break it then make DH look bad.

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Heathcliff27 · 17/10/2021 15:47

@AshyBlueBear

The problem is you clearly don’t see your SC as part of the family.
This!

Why do they not really know your family? He had children when you met him so they should have been included in extended family activities from day 1.

aSofaNearYou · 17/10/2021 15:48

I get it OP. You can't change the alternation without changing everything on your side of the family which is a PITA and not something you should have to do. They will just have to go with you.

It's also completely normal that if your family don't know them well they won't get quite as much fuss made. But such is life, your DH needs to accept this. They should be happy enough playing with the toys they get from you.

aSofaNearYou · 17/10/2021 15:49

Why do they not really know your family? He had children when you met him so they should have been included in extended family activities from day 1.

Just ignore all this OP. It's not how all families work and a lot of people just don't realise that.

My DSS barely knows my family.

TwinsandTrifle · 17/10/2021 15:50

@beccahamlet

It's worrying you saying 'their mum doesn't want them on Christmas Day' . That's not really true is it? It just suits her better to have them boxing day. I hope they haven t picked up on your thoughts. TBH I don t see why you shouldn' t all go to your family and have a wonderful time. The SC will love being with the little ones.
Yes that's the point. Arrangements for the proper contact this year have been made for Boxing Day, and plans for Christmas Day.

But never mind, you have to be messed around, because the mother wants to do otherwise, as it "suits her better."

No OP, you shouldn't have to change plans because their own mother wants them on a different day because of her boyfriend. It's down to her boyfriend to sort out having his child on Christmas Day if she wants everyone together. Not for you to shift around what she fancies, including her own children being away on Christmas Day so she can have that with her boyfriend and no children, and the Boxing Day she fancies with children.

However, if she's a dick every year, I'd pick your battles. Let them come. Let your DH sort it out.

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 15:56

Will it impact on when your in laws see them- i.e on your 'dh's year' do you go to see in laws? yes. Apart from last year due to all the covid kerfuffle. So they are expecting to see the DSC on boxing day this year but we haven't worked out what to do instead. Maybe see them for new years but that won't go down well.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 17/10/2021 15:57

What a sad situation for any children involved, and all having to be discussed on here, in the middle of October.

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 15:58

@aSofaNearYou @TwinsandTrifle thank you! Felt like a right evil stepmonster. It's not in anyway about not wanting them here but it's about not wanting to alter our plans just because my husbands ex wive's new partner's ex partner has decided this year she is having their child for Christmas and he can have boxing day.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 15:59

@1forAll74

What a sad situation for any children involved, and all having to be discussed on here, in the middle of October.
Better that than a last minute stress as both parties didn't think the kids were with them for Xmas.
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Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 15:59

And I've got some useful advice. From don't stress it will be fine to yeah this is annoying but make the most of it.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 17/10/2021 16:02

The Mum needs to take them as usual. Or make arrangements for them to go elsewhere if its her turn and you've already made plans

Happy36 · 17/10/2021 16:04

Poor kids

Knifeandfawkes · 17/10/2021 16:05

Don't use their Mum's shit behaviour as an excuse to treat them badly yourself. It is within your power to make the day as fun as possible for them, within the confines that are set, so please do. Getting a few extra presents for their pile and ensuring they're not sidelined won't be that difficult, it just sounds like you don't want to try. It not the SDC fault.

Knifeandfawkes · 17/10/2021 16:05

As in, you and DH can do this together. It's obviously not all on you.

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 16:06

@Happy36

Poor kids
They're fine don't worry. They know of none of this yet. We'll let mum tell them she doesn't want them this year as planned so she can spin it nicely. I'll say stuff like oh that's nice you get to have two Christmas dinners and spent both of them with halfsibling and partners kid. I've been reassured I'm overthinking them spending Christmas with my family. They will be fine with a board game and I'll be there to chat to if they get nervous about not knowing anyone.
OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 16:07

@Knifeandfawkes

Don't use their Mum's shit behaviour as an excuse to treat them badly yourself. It is within your power to make the day as fun as possible for them, within the confines that are set, so please do. Getting a few extra presents for their pile and ensuring they're not sidelined won't be that difficult, it just sounds like you don't want to try. It not the SDC fault.
Yes we will. We're not getting extra presents though. We'll just explain they have second Christmas on boxing day with more presents then.
OP posts:
Robin233 · 17/10/2021 16:09

But maybe this is a good opportunity. If people don't think it will be too odd for them then we'll go for it. They'll have two Xmas dinners in a row and will love that!

^^
Absolutely.
When we went to mil with my dd, mil welcomed her with open arms.
Christmas is about children and family.
An extra Christmas- win win.

NauseousNancy · 17/10/2021 16:09

I’d be doing a happy dance if I got my step daughter an extra Christmas. I would be absolutely delighted, as would my family. She is our family as much as my ‘own’ daughter is and she is and will always be welcomed with open arms to her home.

Why don’t they know anyone in your family? It really sounds like your step daughter isn’t seen as part of her family. Do you not have much time with her?

Knifeandfawkes · 17/10/2021 16:10

@AutumnLeafy I'm glad, as someone who grew up with a shit Mum her prioritised her (multiple) new DP every year, it would have been nice to have an escape to somewhere where I wasn't treated like a burden or inconvenience.

AliceMcK · 17/10/2021 16:10

I’m not sure what the issue is. Surely you and your DH will be making a fuss over them as usual so what dose it matter if a bunch of strangers don’t. Also I’m assuming your DHs attention will be firmly on his own children though out the day so why dose location matter. Maybe he can leave early with the DSC so they can have some one on one time with their dad too.

It really dose sound like your making excuses and feel that they are ruining your day.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/10/2021 16:13

How many people will be where you’re going for the day? Could you offer to host your family instead? Then DSC can be in familiar surroundings at yours and everyone can still be together.

How much older are DSC?

ancientgran · 17/10/2021 16:18

@Cattitudes

Will it impact on when your in laws see them- i.e on your 'dh's year' do you go to see in laws? Having said that I think most older children enjoy seeing younger children enjoy Christmas. It reminds them of their childhood. Maybe bring stockings for them if all the other children will have them.
Yes I think they do, I found it with my first two and their little siblings, then 1 and 2 started having kids and 3 and 4 had their turn at being the teenagers having fun with lego and spaceships. I think it is quite healthy for them all. The little ones see to find teenagers endlessly fascinating and the teenagers like being kids again with the excuse that they are only being silly for the little ones.
Rainbow0821 · 17/10/2021 16:19

I think the decent thing to do would be to host at yours. The adults should understand the arrangements have changed and being adults they will appreciate the children have to come.first! Christmas is for kids really anyway. I think it's upsetting to read a post like this where it's obvious the stepmother doesn't really want them there. I think you need to be the bigger person and make a real fuss of them, they will always remember how good you were.to.them and be thankful as they get older.

ancientgran · 17/10/2021 16:22

I wouldn't worry about the presents, teenagers are well old enough to understand they are getting more on Boxing Day. It's great your family member is happy to host them. It will be great.

Patroney · 17/10/2021 16:23

@Rainbow0821

I think the decent thing to do would be to host at yours. The adults should understand the arrangements have changed and being adults they will appreciate the children have to come.first! Christmas is for kids really anyway. I think it's upsetting to read a post like this where it's obvious the stepmother doesn't really want them there. I think you need to be the bigger person and make a real fuss of them, they will always remember how good you were.to.them and be thankful as they get older.
And what about their actual mother? Is she putting her kids first?
trappedsincesundaymorn · 17/10/2021 16:24

I think it's upsetting to read a post like this where it's obvious the stepmother doesn't really want them there

Neither does their mother but don't let that stop your judging.