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Original poster

Christmas (already)

400 replies

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 14:36

DH has already had the start of the annual festive drama. This year is mum's year to have the DSC for Christmas but she doesn't want them this year as her boyfriend's child is coming on boxing day so they want to do a family thing then.

All fine but due to the every other year system we are going to see my family this year with LO. So I've said if she really insists then the DSC will just have to come with us to my parents and I'm not asking them to tone down if they want to spoil LO. It's not LO's fault.

Anyway now DH isn't happy because he doesn't want to be the one to say DSC aren't welcome at his either. I've said they are welcome but it's not going to be a great Christmas day spending it with my family knowing their own mum doesn't want them. Just ranting really. There's an agreement for a reason but she likes to try and break it then make DH look bad.

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Patroney · 17/10/2021 16:25

It always seems that stepmothers are held to a higher stand than the actual parents and it’s wrong IMO

Patroney · 17/10/2021 16:25

standard *

Knifeandfawkes · 17/10/2021 16:27

I don't think that's true. We've been asked for an opinion on the OPs concerns. I think it's pretty unanimous that the mother is a bit shit tbh.

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 16:27

I think it's upsetting to read a post like this where it's obvious the stepmother doesn't really want them there. I don't mind either way if they are here or not. What I do not want to do is tell my family they can't make a fuss over LO or have to try and sort of equal it out. That would feel false. Their own mother doesn't want them there as she wants to spend Xmas with her partner then have a big family do on boxing day.

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Tigertealeaves · 17/10/2021 16:28

Surely if OP and DH host at theirs, then as he will naturally be doing 50% of the enormous amount of cooking and grunt work involved, he will be less available to sit and focus on his DC .........

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 16:28

Thanks to everyone who's reassured me it will work and the suggestions of hosting are useful! I might have to get people to help but that will be fine.

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Goldbar · 17/10/2021 16:29

Poor kids Sad. Sounds like it's primarily their mum's fault but if you can't make DSC properly welcome at your parents' house, the decent thing to do would be to host at yours or for your DH to stay home and celebrate Christmas with his DC.

Why can't you get them extra presents and ask your parents to make a bit of a fuss of them? They're not little kids so that doesn't involve cooing over them or anything like that, just making sure there's a few activities they will enjoy.

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 16:29

@Tigertealeaves

Surely if OP and DH host at theirs, then as he will naturally be doing 50% of the enormous amount of cooking and grunt work involved, he will be less available to sit and focus on his DC .........
Haha yes he'll have to cook the roast but I can do drinks and stuff.
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Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 16:31

Why can't you get them extra presents and ask your parents to make a bit of a fuss of them? why when they are getting more presents the next day?! I could ask my brother to make sure he chats to them a bit. My parents are going to just feel awkward. They are just awkward people.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 16:31

for your DH to stay home and celebrate Christmas with his DC. why should LO not have their dad around at Xmas? We aren't divorced.

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DriftingBlue · 17/10/2021 16:35

Having experienced the “joy” of being an extra child at a Christmas celebration, I really hope the father steps in and makes sure this does not happen. Opening token gifts while the other children gets amazing presents is not a good Christmas, even if intellectually you understand why it is happening.

Tigertealeaves · 17/10/2021 16:35

Ace. He could get DSC involved in helping too - 13yo here likes making roasties for instance. Keeps them a bit more engaged and off screens for a while Grin

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 17/10/2021 16:36

@AutumnLeafy

Why can't you get them extra presents and ask your parents to make a bit of a fuss of them? why when they are getting more presents the next day?! I could ask my brother to make sure he chats to them a bit. My parents are going to just feel awkward. They are just awkward people.
You’re on a wind up
Getawaywithit · 17/10/2021 16:36

We'll just explain they have second Christmas on boxing day with more presents then

Why? Surely it has always been the case that they get a second Christmas?

And what about their actual mother? Is she putting her kids first?

Is it unreasonable to want to do Xmas only once? From an expense point of view if nothing else? Surely pushing the boat out twice is going to have an impact on the kids in the longer term?

why should LO not have their dad around at Xmas? We aren't divorced

So?! Why shouldn't your partner take the opportunity to spend more time with his children at Christmas if mum doesn't want to/is unable to? It's OK to expect your child to have their father present but not his other children?

2anddone · 17/10/2021 16:38

Sorry if I missed it OP but how old are the SC? Could their mum pretend Christmas Day is Christmas Eve and have the Christmas Day on Boxing Day as she wants if they are too young to understand? Be careful with swapping around too much on Christmas etc where it sounds like you have a good system going in case their mum expects it to be her turn next year when it should be yours iyswim?

If you do have them can you maybe buy some extra bits like colouring books, crayons, little packs of games etc from pound shops to pad out their pile if they are young enough so the gap between your LO presents and theirs isn't as noticeable at your parents?

All children regardless of whether they are step or biological grow up with not as much attention if there is a younger sibling/family member at events so I wouldn't worry about that it's just a fact of life!!

aSofaNearYou · 17/10/2021 16:42

Is it unreasonable to want to do Xmas only once? From an expense point of view if nothing else? Surely pushing the boat out twice is going to have an impact on the kids in the longer term?

Why is this a valid reason to change a prior arrangement, yet OPs equally logical reasons to find accommodating the change in arrangements logistically ideal is not? Could it be unconscious bias?

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 16:44

@DriftingBlue

Having experienced the “joy” of being an extra child at a Christmas celebration, I really hope the father steps in and makes sure this does not happen. Opening token gifts while the other children gets amazing presents is not a good Christmas, even if intellectually you understand why it is happening.
Well yeah that's what I was worried about but others have suggested it will be ok
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Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 16:45

@Tigertealeaves

Ace. He could get DSC involved in helping too - 13yo here likes making roasties for instance. Keeps them a bit more engaged and off screens for a while Grin
I think eldest DSC could be persuaded to get involved with helping him yes :)
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DelphiniumBlue · 17/10/2021 16:46

I think you'll have to arrange things so that DSC do have fun at your family's Christmas event. It sounds like there will be lots of small children, so you'll need to think about activities/things they can do that will be age appropriate. Will they enjoy playing with the little ones, and maybe there could be family games that children and adults can play. maybe they can get involved with helping? Pictionary and charades work for most age groups, and they will have their own dad there to entertain them. Get them out for a bike ride or park/woods session for an hour or 2.
Make the best of it and be kind to these children.

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 16:48

Why? Surely it has always been the case that they get a second Christmas? they usually have a Christmas then a quieter boxing day with the other parent. Not a fake Xmas with another Xmas dinner.

They are a teen and a nearly teen.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 16:51

Is it unreasonable to want to do Xmas only once no. But she could do Xmas on actual Xmas day as per their agreement. And then do whatever with partner and his kid on boxing day while DSC see their grandparents with us. Instead she wants to do a fake 2nd Xmas with Xmas Dinner and stuff the next day. I'm not sure how they'll cope with 2 xmasses I'm worn out after one!

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Brollywasntneededafterall · 17/10/2021 16:53

You have to specifically ask your relatives to talk to your dc's sibling? Christ on a fucking bike...

Goldbar · 17/10/2021 17:02

It sounds like you're cross at their mum, which is fine. But honestly how hard can it be for several adults (one of whom is their dad) to make two kids feel welcome at Christmas?

Does your DH actually enjoy visiting your parents if they're so socially awkward that having two extra children around for Christmas will completely throw them? He might welcome a chance to stay home with his DC.

IWantT0BreakFree · 17/10/2021 17:03

Essentially it boils down to whether you come first, or the kids come first. If your family can't be relied upon to make them feel welcome and give them a good time (which you are very clear that they can't) then it's not right to take the kids there. I know it's not what you want, but you're a grown woman and they are children. It's not their fault that their mum has changed the arrangement. They have no control over the situation. So you can either go tit-for-tat with their mum and think "why should I put the kids first if she won't", or you can be the bigger person. Fathers shouldn't only put their kids first if their mother does. They should do it regardless of mum's behaviour simply because it's the right thing to do and they love their kids. Your step DC are your husband's kids just as much as your own DC is.

arcof · 17/10/2021 17:05

I might be wrong but I don't think anyone has said to you Op that your family can't spoil your kid. I have teens and a toddler and trust me they dont care when the smaller child gets fawned over, they certainly don't want their grandparents fawning over them. I think this is all in your imagination or in fact what you're truly worried about is them altering them dynamic. But you'll just have to roll with it.

Also your child is THEIR sibling, so surely they wish to spend time with them.

Either that or dad spends Xmas day with his kids and you go to your family. They may love that.