SD not wanting to stay - co-sleeping arrangements

[farme]

Just looking for some advice.....

My SD (8) is refusing to stay over at ours and my DH is heartbroken. She had phases of this off & on as she says she misses her mom and likes to be with her.

I think one of the factors is that her BM lets her co-sleep with her if she wants. It isn't necessarily every night but she seems quite flexible about it to the point I think it's making SD view us as being too strict in comparison.

SD has her own room at her BMs but from what I gather she sleeps in it some nights for the full night, sometimes she falls asleep in her own bed but wanders through to her mums bed, and other nights she just decides she wants to sleep in her mums bed!!

Surely this isn't healthy for a just turned 8 year old? I think it's really affecting her development and impacting her bond with DH & I as she seems overly close with her BM. Would it be wrong of DH to bring this up with her as she is effectively babying an 8 yr old child and stopping her from becoming independent

DHs exW has never moved on and met someone new so that's why she's happy to co-sleep.

Before anyone else says it you mean her mum not her BM.

Do you have any kids of your own? It’s really not unheard of for a child to still creep in with a parent at that sort of age.

Nothing weird, wrong, unhealthy or babying about an 8 year old cosleeping. Your husband doesn’t have to agree but it’s not bad parenting and her mum is unlikely to change anything because he has a word.

It’s perfectly possible his ex has moved on even if she doesn’t want a new relationship.

What does her mum do when DSD doesn’t want to stay over? Is it a private agreement or court ordered?

What’s he doing to maintain contact in a way she’s comfy with? Days together? Plenty of phone calls and FaceTime?

It sounds normal to me, especially since she has gone through the huge trauma of her parents breaking up. I'm afraid I don't have any advice, except to tread softly and definitely do NOT start trying to dictate how the child's mother parents her in her own home.

Fairly normal I think. My almost 7 year old still gets into bed some nights and from what I can tell lots of school peers are the same.
Even if it was very unusual it’s not harmful so you can’t really dictate allowing or not allowing in her mums home. That would be a very unwise thing to suggest!

I'm not a big fan of co sleeping - but this sounds fine to me. Mum & DD just have each other & it sounds nice & relaxed.

It's a shame she won't stay over. Can she just do day trips to yours for the moment?

Don't call her mum her BM (birth mum, used in adoption circles) - she's her mum. You're her step-mum (SM).

It's fine for her mum to co-sleep, but at 8 she's too young to say she doesn't want to stay over unless there are more issues than not sleeping in her parent's bed.

It's not yours or your husbands place to dictate her relationship as being overly close with her mum. She's the primary carer I assume? If her daughter is comforted by co sleeping with her mum in her room at times then that's completely normal, children are generally close to the parent they live with the most, she's also not BM, she's just mum.. I think you just need to not mention it, she's obviously feeling some kind of anxiety to still need the comfort of her mum at night time, why take that away from her.

My nearly 10 year old DS still prefers to sleep with someone else. He does sleep on his own some nights, other nights he asks me to stay in with him (he has a double bed) and some nights he creeps into our super king size bed. We don’t mind, he won’t be doing it as a teenager.

I’d say DSD is old enough to understand that there are different rules at each house, and that you should all be encouraging her to stay at yours on set nights.

Your h would be unreasonable to bring this up with his ex. I suspect that primary school kids with sleep issues are more common than real life suggests and if mum is happy to co-sleep then why not? Poor sleep will mean crappy mood, learning and life in general.

Do you live close enough to see her for the day with drop off at mum's for sleep?

I don't think there's anything wrong with an 8 year old co sleeping as long as they want to. I did with my mum at that age and my step son would sleep in our bed with dh when I was working away around that age too.
I do think at 8 years old your step daughter should be encouraged by both parents to keep to a regular routine of contact with her dad though. If the reason for her not wanting to stay is the security of co sleeping have you looked at maybe making her bedroom at yours more comforting for her- could she have a small photo of her mum? Night lights? Lots of personal items? A pillow or blanket she could take between homes?

Depends on the 8 year old really and I'd worry about what would happen if mum met someone else but that's up to her.

Is mum on side with trying to get her to see her dad more or is she not fussed?

DD slept in my bed until she was 10 then one night decided enough was enough. She always had her own bed. She doesn't particularly like sleeping at her dad's, she would rather come home and go back the next morning, she likes her own space with her own things, she doesn't mind staying occasionally or visiting his parents in another city and staying for a few nights. However, when she came back she would want to sleep in my bed for the following few nights.

I'm sure it's like being on holiday and wanting to get back home, a lot of the teens I work with who spend 50:50 say whilst the like spending time with both parents theyd prefer having one home and hate going back and forth as they feel disorganised.

You talk alot about yours and DH feelings but what about what the DC wants to do?

Firstly, just because her mum doesn't have a partner it doesn't mean she hasn't moved on. I split up with my ex months ago and I very much prefer not having a partner at the moment. I have moved on fine!

This is your SD's mum. You and your partner sound jealous of her bond with her mum. Lots of children sleep in with their mum now and again. Your partner needs to work on his bond with his daughter rather than fret over her bond with her mum. It's up to her mum how she parents in her own home.

I would imagine there are lots of children who prefer being with one parent over the other. That's just nature. At that 8 I personally wouldn't have wanted to stay over at my dad's either. It is what it is.

It's is court ordered.

Her mum does encourage it and has taken her out in tears before, strapped her into the car seat etc so she has forced it as much as possible. Anytime SD hasn't stayed it's because SD has been so upset that DH has said she could stay with her mum. This has only happened 5 times, all other times he has forced her to go.

He feels torn as at 8, it seems wrong to physically force her into his car but what else can he do? Her mum says she just needs to "make her available and encourage her to go"

She seems overly close with her Mum?

What a really odd thing to say. She is supposed to be close with her mum.

Your dh absolutely should not bring it up. That isn't what the problem is, you need to work on finding out what is the problem.

I actually agree with you on cosleeping, I think with children with seperated parents in particular it's doing them a disservice not to encourage independence whilst sleeping. It's not something that can often be maintained across both households for various reasons and so for them to have a positive relationship with both parents it's something they could really do without being reliant on. They uniquely need to be able to cope with time away from each parent, so sleeping independently is a very natural way of encouraging that.

I don't think there's much you can do about it, though. If he has a good relationship with his ex, he may be able to politely discuss it with her, but I don't think he'll have much joy offering up a criticism. He may be better off just waiting the phase out and trusting that as DSD matures and hopefully naturally stops wanting to cosleep, it will pass and she'll come back round to wanting to stay.

There is so many other things you could be doing instead of desisting her relationship with her mother.. Letting her bring a photo of her mum, a blanket from home, mum's jumper.. I'd be furious with any step mum saying my daughter was overly close with me just due to co sleeping. How do you know that she's not going through other emotional issues such as dealing with the breakup of her parents etc? Presuming you don't have children yet?

@farme

It's is court ordered.

Her mum does encourage it and has taken her out in tears before, strapped her into the car seat etc so she has forced it as much as possible. Anytime SD hasn't stayed it's because SD has been so upset that DH has said she could stay with her mum. This has only happened 5 times, all other times he has forced her to go.

He feels torn as at 8, it seems wrong to physically force her into his car but what else can he do? Her mum says she just needs to "make her available and encourage her to go"

This is actually quite horrible to read.

Firstly, just because her mum doesn't have a partner it doesn't mean she hasn't moved on. I split up with my ex months ago and I very much prefer not having a partner at the moment. I have moved on fine!

In her case it has been 6 years!!! She's only introduce me one partner she was dating but he never stayed over when she had her DD

Her mum does encourage it and has taken her out in tears before, strapped her into the car seat etc so she has forced it as much as possible yes that sounds very traumatic for all involved. Maybe she needs to do a few days rather than overnights?

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

DD slept in my bed until she was 10 then one night decided enough was enough. She always had her own bed. She doesn't particularly like sleeping at her dad's, she would rather come home and go back the next morning, she likes her own space with her own things, she doesn't mind staying occasionally or visiting his parents in another city and staying for a few nights. However, when she came back she would want to sleep in my bed for the following few nights.

I'm sure it's like being on holiday and wanting to get back home, a lot of the teens I work with who spend 50:50 say whilst the like spending time with both parents theyd prefer having one home and hate going back and forth as they feel disorganised.

You talk alot about yours and DH feelings but what about what the DC wants to do?

I think this is a really astute description of how it may feel for the DSC. It's not always as emotive as it's made out to be.

You and your husband appear jealous of the bond she has with her mum. She's doing what she needs to do by encouraging and facilitate contact, what else do you want?

He feels torn as at 8, it seems wrong to physically force her into his car but what else can he do?

Accept she isn't consenting to being manhandled into a car?!!!

Her mum says she just needs to "make her available and encourage her to go" yes as long as she's encouraging her this isn't for mum to resolve.

@Burgerlover9

There is so many other things you could be doing instead of desisting her relationship with her mother.. Letting her bring a photo of her mum, a blanket from home, mum's jumper.. I'd be furious with any step mum saying my daughter was overly close with me just due to co sleeping. How do you know that she's not going through other emotional issues such as dealing with the breakup of her parents etc? Presuming you don't have children yet?

I agree totally with this. There are lots of ways her bio dad can be doing to make his DD feel secure at his house so that she will be happier to sleep there. Right now she is 8 (tricky age for lots of children) and she is clearly struggling. Instead of trying to remove her source of security, you should be looking to add other sources to security that are at your house.