SD not wanting to stay - co-sleeping arrangements

[farme]

Just looking for some advice.....

My SD (8) is refusing to stay over at ours and my DH is heartbroken. She had phases of this off & on as she says she misses her mom and likes to be with her.

I think one of the factors is that her BM lets her co-sleep with her if she wants. It isn't necessarily every night but she seems quite flexible about it to the point I think it's making SD view us as being too strict in comparison.

SD has her own room at her BMs but from what I gather she sleeps in it some nights for the full night, sometimes she falls asleep in her own bed but wanders through to her mums bed, and other nights she just decides she wants to sleep in her mums bed!!

Surely this isn't healthy for a just turned 8 year old? I think it's really affecting her development and impacting her bond with DH & I as she seems overly close with her BM. Would it be wrong of DH to bring this up with her as she is effectively babying an 8 yr old child and stopping her from becoming independent

DHs exW has never moved on and met someone new so that's why she's happy to co-sleep.

@farme

My DH has been involved in his daughters life since birth. Yes, she was a baby when she split from his mum but he says his DD 2 nights/3days per week.

After the initial leaving of her mums house she is mostly happy (occasionally says she misses her mum, gets a cuddle if a chat and is fine). DH does bath time, reads to her, does homework, goes swimming, goes to the park etc.

It's only escalated recently that SDD is getting so upset that she hasn't wanted to come. Once here she is happy and they do have a good relationship

Me & DH have probably been over thinking her not wanting to come on a few occasions and making it a bigger deal than it is. She just finds the initial 10-15 mins distressing. The fact she missed her overnight contact this week brought it to a head and SDDs reason was "she misses sleeping with her mum in her mums bed"

Don't think anyone can jump to the conclusion she doesn't have a relationship or a bond with her dad. Or that she doesn't understand the concept of what a father is

You mentioned earlier stricter rules at your house. What sort of rules and when did they kick in? Could this be a reaction to that?

Are things very different for her at dad’s house now that you’re there, OP? Would she have slept with dad occasionally/regularly before you moved in? Could she feel she is competing for attention which she doesn’t have to do at home?

Thanks again everyone!

It's true that once she's here she is happy and has a good relationship with her dad (and me).
But I'm struggling to accept theres no problem?

However, her initially not wanting to come is very traumatic for her. My DH has the option of 1) leaving her - which would reduce contact & compound the problem as they would see each other less (and SDD would see her deciding not to come as an option and during that initial distress of leaving her mum might be what she chooses more & more even though she'd be perfectly happy 10 mins later).
2) physically forcing her to come which is even more distressing and traumatic for her and he's also worried could damage her and/or their relationship longer term

My initial post my not have been the best worded but all I was thinking was that if her co-sleeping with her mum was making it harder for her to leave then maybe a good idea would be to encourage her to be more independent and sleep in her own bed

This does sound to me as if the DD needs some one on one bonding time with her DF.

How long have you been married OP? The timeline is a bit hazy since you haven't lived together very long. Obviously the OW stuff is bad, but it sounds like everything happened very quickly as far as the DD is concerned.

@farme

Thanks again everyone!

It's true that once she's here she is happy and has a good relationship with her dad (and me).
But I'm struggling to accept theres no problem?

However, her initially not wanting to come is very traumatic for her. My DH has the option of 1) leaving her - which would reduce contact & compound the problem as they would see each other less (and SDD would see her deciding not to come as an option and during that initial distress of leaving her mum might be what she chooses more & more even though she'd be perfectly happy 10 mins later).
2) physically forcing her to come which is even more distressing and traumatic for her and he's also worried could damage her and/or their relationship longer term

My initial post my not have been the best worded but all I was thinking was that if her co-sleeping with her mum was making it harder for her to leave then maybe a good idea would be to encourage her to be more independent and sleep in her own bed

If things are cordial with the ex, you could look at the option of him seeing his DD at her Mum's house for the odd day or afternoon?

Look into the concept of nesting for co parenting? Things might be too far along for this, given the court order, but maybe your DH could adapt some of the principles, in order to make sure his DD felt reassured and loved when with him

In any case, I wish you the best of luck with everything. If your SD can view you and her father as loving supportive adults in her life, that can only be a good thing

One of the things that helped when DD stopped cosleeoing is one of those big 'U' body pillows, she cuddles up to that and feels cosy as she doesn't have extra space around her in the bed and finds it much easier to sleep.

Would those 15 minutes go better say from a Mac Donald’s or a trip in the park?

So it’s a hand over in a neutral happy fun place? So she’s playing or eating, mums leaving now bye have fun with dad type thing.

I can’t Imagine manhandling a 8year old into a car and I can’t see how you can keep doing that as she gets older and bigger too. It won’t be doing her any good and I’m surprised he would actually do it tbh.

That's a good idea @Horst

I'll look into them @HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

It's so strange, today she came skipping out to her dad and was so happy to see him. Like night and day from last weekend but can't work out a trend or pattern. Seems so random

Thanks everyone

@farme if its been a relatively recent change she may have been coping with the changes of covid and her routine. My Dd was quite interested in death and focused on my demise and didn't want to be away from me which is quite normal at that age, they start relizing you don't live forever around 6-8 years. There's obviously been alot of talk about death over the last 2 years whether by the people in front of her, overhearing on the news/radioor from school I'd imagine that would be enough to unsettle a little one who didn't quite understand properly. She may be more settled in her day-day life now schools are back and she's settled into her new school which will mean she's more settled everywhere.

Could also be hormonal.

I remember at that same age moving between three homes (mom/stepdad, every other weekend dad, and often with grandparents). At some point even as a kid you just get tired of it and don’t want to make yet another transition between homes and the different family cultures at different houses. Adults who haven’t experienced a two home setup as a kid can’t speak to what it may feel like, even when the kids seem ok with it. Even an every other weekend move can still feel like a big disruption to some kids. They have a right to feel this way; it’s their life.

At 8 remember missing my grandmother terribly (she was the most emotionally available of my carers - NOT creepily overly invested in me, just more listening/caring). I had a young sibling at my mom’s/stepdads and was learning to cope with my family life there changing while life with my grandparents was more consistent and stable. I imagine some kids go through periods where one person or another is their special “comfort person”. I had a few special objects at my mom/stepdads that connected me to my grandmother and reminded me she was close by. I would listen to a radio station at night I knew my grandmother liked and say a particular prayer she taught me. I needed to remind myself at that age that she was still connected to me when absent. It might help for the girl to bring a special item or two with her that represents her mom, and be allowed to talk more than usual about her mom if she is upset and wants to maintain some presence of her mom emotionally with her.

I remember sleeping with my grandmother some at this same age, due to the house layout where I stayed with her. Since my mother was not a physically affectionate person and I have no memories of cuddling with her, I’m glad my grandmother allowed me that closeness.

Op I know you’re wedded to the idea that cosleeping is causing the problem because your stepdaughter says that she wants to sleep with her mum but kids are complicated little things and there might be another issue. Since covid my dd has been sleeping with a light on or with me and I assumed it was problems with covid or her dad leaving 18 months before covid. But she has recently admitted to feeling sad about an argument with friends just before covid where she was one of three friends who got pushed out a few times while the other two grew closer. She now refuses to do a single night with her dad - and would rather spend it with me. She finds friendships difficult anyway as do most girls at that age. It’s taken nearly two years for her to reveal this to me.

My point is you seem determined to prove your theory is correct and I think you should be more open minded. Kids have a habit of telling you something important when you’re asking a different question, well mine do anyway.

@farme

Sorry I missed that point. Interestingly, this did start during lockdown, however, DH and I moved in together during lockdown and it was a new house for us all so we assumed this was the issue.

However, that was a year ago now and SDD was really happy for a while since then and had settled before it flared up again.

There were a few months at the very beginning of lockdown when DH had her for the day only and she stayed with her mum every night. Again I did wonder if this was a factor but she has been happy since then gone back to being anxious about coming overnight.

Generally now she isn't as concerned about covid. She knows about friends isolation etc but she seems to assume that if she had to isolate it would be either with her mum or between the 2 houses. I'm not saying she would necessarily travel between the 2 or that she'd go back to her mums if she tested positive at ours but as this isn't a concern for her just now it doesn't seem wise to put the idea in her head. We'd cross that bridge if/when it came to it

Those things could still be factors. Worries and anxieties can wax and wane in strength over time and flare up again when something triggers them.

@farme

My DH has been involved in his daughters life since birth. Yes, she was a baby when she split from his mum but he says his DD 2 nights/3days per week.

After the initial leaving of her mums house she is mostly happy (occasionally says she misses her mum, gets a cuddle if a chat and is fine). DH does bath time, reads to her, does homework, goes swimming, goes to the park etc.

It's only escalated recently that SDD is getting so upset that she hasn't wanted to come. Once here she is happy and they do have a good relationship

Me & DH have probably been over thinking her not wanting to come on a few occasions and making it a bigger deal than it is. She just finds the initial 10-15 mins distressing. The fact she missed her overnight contact this week brought it to a head and SDDs reason was "she misses sleeping with her mum in her mums bed"

Don't think anyone can jump to the conclusion she doesn't have a relationship or a bond with her dad. Or that she doesn't understand the concept of what a father is

At this age children cannot always articulate why they're feeling the way they're feeling. DH needs to keep encouraging her to talk when she is calm, try and find out what's going on. He needs to do this gently and calmly and without suggesting reasons, as she may grasp an idea just to stop any questions. Is it possible she's overheard talk about the co-sleeping before? Sometimes children give the answer they think you want, not the real one.

I am both the mum of 2 little ones (8 &5) and step mum to a teen.

My kids live with me and they see their dad every second weekend. They really don't like going and the 8 year old particularly wants to stay home. I find that this is an issue which needs to be dealt with by their dad. I feel I do my duty to speaking to my kids and talking to them about their concerns and encouraging them to go and spend time there. I will not force them to go (there are court orders in place), however their dad has agreed that if there are tears and they will not be manhandled. He is also trying to work with them one on one and make his home more comfortable for them.

On the other hand, it is not my place to dictate how he parents in his own home. We both want the kids to be happy. At the same time, I would never dare to criticise my step son's mother or tell her how to parent her child. She is single and my step son will sometimes co-sleep with her on his visits there. I don't see anything wrong with being attached to one's mother. It's natural.

I would advise you to discuss with your DH what you may do as a couple to make your home more comfortable for his daughter. And if co-sleeping sometimes is the answer, then maybe a larger bed?