SD not wanting to stay - co-sleeping arrangements

[farme]

Just looking for some advice.....

My SD (8) is refusing to stay over at ours and my DH is heartbroken. She had phases of this off & on as she says she misses her mom and likes to be with her.

I think one of the factors is that her BM lets her co-sleep with her if she wants. It isn't necessarily every night but she seems quite flexible about it to the point I think it's making SD view us as being too strict in comparison.

SD has her own room at her BMs but from what I gather she sleeps in it some nights for the full night, sometimes she falls asleep in her own bed but wanders through to her mums bed, and other nights she just decides she wants to sleep in her mums bed!!

Surely this isn't healthy for a just turned 8 year old? I think it's really affecting her development and impacting her bond with DH & I as she seems overly close with her BM. Would it be wrong of DH to bring this up with her as she is effectively babying an 8 yr old child and stopping her from becoming independent

DHs exW has never moved on and met someone new so that's why she's happy to co-sleep.

An 8 year old shouldn't be co-sleeping on a regular basis. But just stop the overnights rather than put up with this level of tantrums and fuss.

Your bei g ridiculous, of course its not effecting sd negatively and how can an 8 year old be too close to their dm🙄

In her case it has been 6 years!!! She's only introduce me one partner she was dating but he never stayed over when she had her DD

I’ve been single for 11 years since my ex left. It’s fucking bliss.

I think your DH needs to stop forcing her to come and stay with him. Why can’t he just take her out for the day across 2-3 days? Why does it have to be overnight? He needs to start thinking about this poor little girl otherwise she’ll cut him off altogether.

@MrsRobbieHart

In her case it has been 6 years!!! She's only introduce me one partner she was dating but he never stayed over when she had her DD

I’ve been single for 11 years since my ex left. It’s fucking bliss.

I'm coming up to 1.5 years. Couldn't be happier!!

@farme

Firstly, just because her mum doesn't have a partner it doesn't mean she hasn't moved on. I split up with my ex months ago and I very much prefer not having a partner at the moment. I have moved on fine!

In her case it has been 6 years!!! She's only introduce me one partner she was dating but he never stayed over when she had her DD

So? Maybe she's not telling you about her love life. Or maybe she has high standards? Or maybe she can't be bothered with men.

I’m split 15 years. No man has ever stayed over when my kids are here. None.

@farme

Firstly, just because her mum doesn't have a partner it doesn't mean she hasn't moved on. I split up with my ex months ago and I very much prefer not having a partner at the moment. I have moved on fine!

In her case it has been 6 years!!! She's only introduce me one partner she was dating but he never stayed over when she had her DD

It doesn’t matter how long, as said she may not want another partner, why can’t you accept that? Why the 6years and a raft of exclamation marks?

It’s also rude to use the term BM, she is the child’s mother, use the term mother or mum

If the post and the answers above are anything to go by, you are part of the problem

This absolutely not for her mother to resolve as she's doing what she needs to do.
You're going to risk losing her altogether if you blame it on the co sleeping arrangements.
Why doesn't your husband say its OK not to do over nights for now but dad still would like to see you and why don't you just come for the day, and then keep in regular face time contact with her. Small steps. Don't force her to stay overnight if she doesn't want to. It'll just cause more damage. Perhaps just drop it to day time contact until she's ready again.

@farme I've been single for 13 years, since I had Dd at 23. I'm well and truly over the relationship, instigated the break up infact. However I prefer to focus on my own training and career and running DD around to her extra curricular, after a week of that I don't need to use the limited child free time to date.

You sound quite unpleasant towards her mum.

So if Dd is upset at going to yours you need to build it up slower and unpack what is wrong. So maybe she comes to yours for daytime trips only for a while. If she knows she's going home she might be more content. Then you run the days together so Dd goes home and gets picked up the next morning. Then after a while you start the overnights again and she brings a photo/jumper of mum. Contact should be child focused not what's convenient and doesn't hurt the parents feelings.

'I think it's really affecting her development and impacting her bond with DH & I as she seems overly close with her BM.'

I find this sentence disgusting actually OP. She isn't too close to her own mother at all. What a jealous way of looking at it.

She sounds like a pretty good mother to be tbh..
Puts her child first.
What is your problem with it?

I think it's … impacting her bond with DH & I as she seems overly close with her BM
Most ridiculous statement ever. What are you And her birth-dad doing about your relationship with her? You cannot demand her mother makes hers worse so yours wont seem as bad in comparison. Stop being so lazy.

Of course an 8 year old can co-sleep, at least a third of the 8 years on the world do. I am not much of a co sleep lover but my DD loves it still and is 10. She will grab any chance she can to.

Can DH not co-sleep with her? You sleep in SDs bed for the odd night?

Children are designed to be close both physically and emotionally to their primary care giver and the transition to independence varies from child to child. My 2yo is very independent and much less needy than my 5yo who still bed shares most nights.

Not a fan of co-sleeping but know many who swear by it. Why cant she have access to her dad at night ? would this solve the issue ? Contact is for the child - if it is causing her distress then changes need to occur. I understand different houses different rules - but this is comfort and her sleep is very important - poor practice is going to have impact on her mental health, behaviour and her trust in you both.

Also HOW can a child be overly close with their mother when they are a young child. I 100% assume you have no young children. Furthermore the term Birth Mother in this instance is awful and I say this as a step parent.

I'm interested in to know what your relationship is like with your husbands daughter?

By the way. I’m well over my ex. I’ve casually dated but no one is want my kids to know about or meet

That’s responsible. And sensible. I have high standards and i put my kids first.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

DD slept in my bed until she was 10 then one night decided enough was enough. She always had her own bed. She doesn't particularly like sleeping at her dad's, she would rather come home and go back the next morning, she likes her own space with her own things, she doesn't mind staying occasionally or visiting his parents in another city and staying for a few nights. However, when she came back she would want to sleep in my bed for the following few nights.

I'm sure it's like being on holiday and wanting to get back home, a lot of the teens I work with who spend 50:50 say whilst the like spending time with both parents theyd prefer having one home and hate going back and forth as they feel disorganised.

You talk alot about yours and DH feelings but what about what the DC wants to do?

This is my DC. Family Court imposed 50:50 - DC no choice. They hate the transition. I will go to my grave not understanding how family court judges who impose 50:50 orders haven't the faintest idea how the kids view this. It is incompetence. My DC wraps themselves with items at my home when they return - pets, cuddlies, blankets, smells etc.

To be clear my DC love their dad - they want to see him. I dont block contact. But 50:50 damages them.

@Marblessolveeverything

Not a fan of co-sleeping but know many who swear by it. Why cant she have access to her dad at night ? would this solve the issue ? Contact is for the child - if it is causing her distress then changes need to occur. I understand different houses different rules - but this is comfort and her sleep is very important - poor practice is going to have impact on her mental health, behaviour and her trust in you both.

I cannot stand co-sleeping. Unfortunately my child is the complete opposite! I'd much prefer a bed to myself.

My daughter is 12.5 and has been the child in your post since she was 7.

At 7 her dad was very unreliable and eventually she said she didn’t want to stay with him anymore. He had moved his new gf into our family home a couple of weeks after we’d moved out & I don’t think my daughter understood what was going on.

She refused to see him. It was horrific. I’d try everything. I’ve sat there in the car with her crying her eyes out and refusing to get out (at 11 years old), At no point did he say let’s go back to basics - it was all just his way or no way. I tried and tried but I couldn’t force her. I’ve never bad mouthed him or stopped her. I encourage her to phone him and see him but when I really force it she just falls out with me too.

Please listen to her needs now so you’re not still fighting this when she’s 12.

How long have you been living together? Is it possible she's still getting the hang of you being around?

she seems overly close with her BM.

Do you have any children of your own? I'm not sure a child of 8 can be 'overly close' with their own parent.

You don't come across as a very sympathetic step mum. It's like you just want to force her to accept the situation with no movement from you or your husband.