SD not wanting to stay - co-sleeping arrangements

[farme]

Just looking for some advice.....

My SD (8) is refusing to stay over at ours and my DH is heartbroken. She had phases of this off & on as she says she misses her mom and likes to be with her.

I think one of the factors is that her BM lets her co-sleep with her if she wants. It isn't necessarily every night but she seems quite flexible about it to the point I think it's making SD view us as being too strict in comparison.

SD has her own room at her BMs but from what I gather she sleeps in it some nights for the full night, sometimes she falls asleep in her own bed but wanders through to her mums bed, and other nights she just decides she wants to sleep in her mums bed!!

Surely this isn't healthy for a just turned 8 year old? I think it's really affecting her development and impacting her bond with DH & I as she seems overly close with her BM. Would it be wrong of DH to bring this up with her as she is effectively babying an 8 yr old child and stopping her from becoming independent

DHs exW has never moved on and met someone new so that's why she's happy to co-sleep.

I think you referring to her Mum, as a BM, and saying her child is 'overly close' to her just says it all. You're obviously jealous.

If I found out my daughters step mum had written this, I'd be furious and I say that as a step mum of the past. You need to mind your own business. If my daughter comes in during the night to see me for whatever reason, a bad dream, because she wants a cuddle or anything then I hope she grows up knowing I will always be there. And that's despite the fact that she's uncomfortable to sleep with, wriggles too much and kicks! One day she'll grow out of it and she'll be grown up.

A mother's relationship with her daughter is precious and it's hers to build, as you say, she gave birth to her, not you. Just leave them alone and focus on something else.

@farme

Firstly, just because her mum doesn't have a partner it doesn't mean she hasn't moved on. I split up with my ex months ago and I very much prefer not having a partner at the moment. I have moved on fine!

In her case it has been 6 years!!! She's only introduce me one partner she was dating but he never stayed over when she had her DD

She hasn't moved on because she doesn't regularly introduce partners to her child and doesn't force her child out and replace them with strange men? Alright...

Quite apart from the cosleeping (which is fine and normal), there’s so much wrong with your posts.

BM - she’s her actual mum. Her only mum.

‘Overly attached’ - impossible. No one can be over attached to their parent.

Your obvious disapproval of mum not having relationships / not introducing child to boyfriends - why is this a problem?! It’s a choice lots of parents would make.

Honestly, you sound insecure and jealous. You need to accept that this is SDD’s mum. You can’t manage that relationship.

I think people are unnecessarily looking for offence in your words here OP and you're getting a hard time. I think it's quite clear that by "overly close" you mean "overly attached/dependant", and that your post comes from well intentioned concern.

At 8, I'd expect most kids to be pretty attached to their parents!

My dd is 13 snd she still enjoys snuggling up next to me sometimes.

I wonder if the op has kids?

But I don't understand how any child can be "overly attached" it's just attached.

@aSofaNearYou

I think people are unnecessarily looking for offence in your words here OP and you're getting a hard time. I think it's quite clear that by "overly close" you mean "overly attached/dependant", and that your post comes from well intentioned concern.

This is exactly what I meant. And when I said it's unhealthy and impacting development it's more from the point that it's causing extreme separation anxiety

Were you the OW?

To the point where DD doesn't want to be away from her mum (sorry for the use of BM, I genuinely didn't realise this caused offence)!

@AutumnColours9

Were you the OW?

What difference would that make?

If a child doesn’t want to split her time between houses why should she be forced to? It’s not the child’s fault that her parents don’t live together and her wishes should come first.

If she is happy to come and sleep with her dad, then that’s what should happen if her dad insists she stays. You don’t have more of a right to him than she does, and co sleeping at 8 on occasions is perfectly fine.

Why don't you just work on making her feel more comfortable in your home rather than trying to desist the bond she has with her mum.

@farme
I think it is sometimes relevant if you are seen as cause of the break up. Kids pick up on these things at young ages.

@AutumnColours9 SDD was only a baby when her parents separated. She doesn't remember them together and doesn't know the back story

No doubt your husband will want her to start calling you mum next 🙄

Ahhh so you’re the other women and you’re jealous.

All makes sense now

Posts like this make me stay with my husband just incase he ends up with some one like you.

She is her mother. The child probably doesn't like your energy and that's why shes doesn't want to come

@hellothere007

Ahhh so you’re the other women and you’re jealous.

All makes sense now

Penny has dropped..

Can you not just focus on days out, meals etc where she goes back home to sleep at her mums for a while? She may feel happier and enjoy the time with her dad if she knows she will be with her mum at night. At weekends even have her round and drop her back at bedtime untill she feels ready. Have pj and movie afternoons in your house etc and work on her feeling ready.

At that age I absolutely hated staying away from home, never liked sleepovers and would cry myself to sleep if I had to, so if she is anything like me she may just not want to.

You seem to be blaming her mum for making her dependent on her, forgetting the fact that she might just prefer sleeping there 🤷‍♀️

@farme do you have your own children?

@sandybeaches74

I think you referring to her Mum, as a BM, and saying her child is 'overly close' to her just says it all. You're obviously jealous.

If I found out my daughters step mum had written this, I'd be furious and I say that as a step mum of the past. You need to mind your own business. If my daughter comes in during the night to see me for whatever reason, a bad dream, because she wants a cuddle or anything then I hope she grows up knowing I will always be there. And that's despite the fact that she's uncomfortable to sleep with, wriggles too much and kicks! One day she'll grow out of it and she'll be grown up.

A mother's relationship with her daughter is precious and it's hers to build, as you say, she gave birth to her, not you. Just leave them alone and focus on something else.

👏

Op it’s normal for an 8 year old to co sleep with her mum. You are getting a hard time because your language is so negative and you’re blaming the mother daughter closeness for the distance with her father.

Instead you need to focus on how to improve the father daughter bond and if that means shared hobbies or outings then do that.

Incidentally my dc won’t sleep at their dads house because it’s not comfortable for them. All their toys, books, Alexa devices, toiletries, favourite bedding and cushions are here.

@hellothere007

Ahhh so you’re the other women and you’re jealous.

All makes sense now

TBH it's DH that believed it was the co-sleeping causing the issue. He spoke to SDD about it and that's more or less why she said she prefers her mums house

[quote girlmom21]@farme do you have your own children? [/quote]
No I don't, unfortunately. I love kids and actually have a great relationship with my SDD. We are really close and she loves her time with me. It's the initial 'leaving' of her mum she struggles with.

If leaving her mum is the issue then dad should do pick up from school.