SD not wanting to stay - co-sleeping arrangements

[farme]

Just looking for some advice.....

My SD (8) is refusing to stay over at ours and my DH is heartbroken. She had phases of this off & on as she says she misses her mom and likes to be with her.

I think one of the factors is that her BM lets her co-sleep with her if she wants. It isn't necessarily every night but she seems quite flexible about it to the point I think it's making SD view us as being too strict in comparison.

SD has her own room at her BMs but from what I gather she sleeps in it some nights for the full night, sometimes she falls asleep in her own bed but wanders through to her mums bed, and other nights she just decides she wants to sleep in her mums bed!!

Surely this isn't healthy for a just turned 8 year old? I think it's really affecting her development and impacting her bond with DH & I as she seems overly close with her BM. Would it be wrong of DH to bring this up with her as she is effectively babying an 8 yr old child and stopping her from becoming independent

DHs exW has never moved on and met someone new so that's why she's happy to co-sleep.

@farme

If SDD had a nightmare and occasionally went through to her mums room this is one thing. Sounds like she routinely just gets into her mums bed at bedtime and sleeps there all night. She's not scared or anxious, she hits likes it.

She doesn't routinely do it here so misses that comfort rather than missing her mum (if they were in separate beds in the mums house)

Seriously op. Stop.

All of mine slept in our big bed or wandered in during the night and we all loved it. When they felt like it they stopped. I don't think it would be right for you to criticise their choice instead find ways to help her feel more settled at yours, let her choose her own bedding, cuddly toys?

I'm guessing your SD is picking up strange vibes from your house and that is why she doesn't want to stay over. It could be nothing to do with the co-sleeping.

You were the OW, your partner hid the relationship from his daughter for years and you refer to her MOTHER as her 'birth mother'

Just because you don't know of any partners she has doesn't mean she hasn't moved on. I'm hoping she is happily single and enjoying being rid of her cheating ex!

Your always going to find fault with the mother who sounds like she's doing the best she can. You see her as threat due to how your affair came about, you also likely insecure it can happen to you so it's easier to pass any blame to the dm. Sounds like the bio dad needs to step up and maybe start with days out?

It’s up to you if you don’t want to make your dsd feel like she can get into your bed if she wants to, but you don’t get to criticise the child’s mum for doing it differently.

She isn’t doing anything wrong or unnatural, and it is ridiculous to suggest that it is interfering with her child’s development. Plenty of kids deal with separation issues regardless of which bed in their home they sleep in.

You and your DH need to do what you can to encourage his dd to want to come to yours, the child’s mum is right that all she is obliged to do is make her available and encourage contact. It’s very unfair of you to blame her for a problem of your DH’s making.

@Fireplace12

Are you my daughters stepmother? Firstly, just because she hasn’t had another relationship doesn’t mean she hasn’t moved on. Get a grip. Someone’s worth is not measured by their relationship status. Secondly, my daughter still occasionally cosleeps. This does not effect her sleeping in her own bed at her dads.

Ha, I thought it was my DD's SM ... sounds like her double if it's isn't 😳

This sort of post just makes me despair. The lack of care or thought from the OP 🤦🏻‍♀️

If you can’t imagine what this girl is feeling. Imagine how you would feel if your current partner forced you into a car to spend time with him. I am not actually kidding - I am being serious - spend 10 seconds thinking how you would feel about it and whether you would trust him with your feelings again.
My daughter has been very clingy to me for years. It’s been very difficult for my husband as he has felt rejected and we all live together as a family. But now she is a teen it’s become apparent that she has ADD she was masking and felt vulnerable. And now she trusts both him and me and they are rebuilding their relationship and it’s wonderful. But he did spend three years upset that she would not go to him. But he let her decide what she wanted to do with her feelings and now that is beginning to pay off.
I think you need family therapy. I bet you want your feelings and wishes respected. Children have feelings too and they can’t just forget about them because they don’t fit a parents lifestyle choices for them. Do you have in your mind that at 18 she will be an adult and her feelings will be taken into account then? It’s now that matters or at 18 she won’t have anything to do with either of you as she will have bad memories of her time at your house.

Ahh OP you’re causing a real problem here between your husband and his daughter and it’s becoming apparent you haven't the capacity to see how. You don’t know what you’re talking about so you really shouldn’t be involved. Very worrying for this child. You’re going to cause her a lot of pain if you don’t step right back. Your husband needs to change his approach. It isn’t his “ access to his daughter” time. It’s his child’s contact time with her father. The contact is for the benefit of the child. He needs to make it an actual benefit for her to come and be with her father, and before anyone jumps on that, I’m not talking Disney dad, buying her affection. I’m talking about making her feel safe and secure when she is with him, in his home. Taking her kicking and screaming from her mother should never happen again. He needs to go right back to the starting block and have her in small increments that she is comfortable with and build up the time, led by her! His goal shouldn’t be to have X amount of time as ordered by the court, but rather his goal should be a happy daughter who he has a really close bond with. She isn’t a possession, she is an actual human child with her own feelings and worries and it’s up to her parents to help her process them all in a secure environment.

And fwiw I think the court system needs a massive overhaul and re-education on how best to arrange contact for children. They aren’t time shares, they aren’t robots. They can’t just make themselves happy to be wherever they are told they have to be.

@farme

If SDD had a nightmare and occasionally went through to her mums room this is one thing. Sounds like she routinely just gets into her mums bed at bedtime and sleeps there all night. She's not scared or anxious, she hits likes it.

She doesn't routinely do it here so misses that comfort rather than missing her mum (if they were in separate beds in the mums house)

I'm baffled as to whether you lack empathy or just know very little about children. This little girl's mum is her primary carer, there is nothing odd about kids climbing into bed with their mum's. It's weird that you think there is. Not everyone wants another partner in their life, or at least is not willing to settle for less that what they want. This does not mean they haven't moved on. That claim just made you sound awful. It's more than possible that her mum is just putting her child's welfare first - perhaps not something that you understand. Your description of your DH manhandling her into the car is dreadful. You guys really need to take some parenting classes, there are plenty around:

www.google.co.uk/aclk?sa=l&ai=DChcSEwjG4tr75rfzAhXNse0KHbfiD5gYABABGgJkZw&ae=2&sig=AOD64_26TgeT3It-uVZwlXOQVPH-WZSEFw&q&adurl&ved=2ahUKEwii7NP75rfzAhWPYcAKHScNBI8Q0Qx6BAgGEAE
She's just a little girl, for heavens sake, have a heart. If she is experiencing some anxiety then seek help, stop looking for reasons to blame her mother - you will only damage what relationship you have with her.
How about putting the child's happiness at the centre of your efforts rather than your Dh's feelings - he's a grown man, he should put his little girl's happiness first.
I genuinely wish you luck with this but I think you need to listen to the many people who have pulled you up on your way of thinking about this situation, you are getting all wrong.

I think some of the responses on here have been a little harsh.
DH doesn’t have court mandated contact, it has been varied over the years to meet the needs of DSC. In practical terms this meant that when DSS aged 8 or so was really struggling with overnights we did long days and extra weeknights. DH made sure that he was always available for contact, the DSCs have their own rooms here but they just prefer to sleep in their “own” beds at their mums.
I’m pretty sure their mum did not cosleep etc, I’m much more of a hippy parent than here. But their home to them is their mums house. They have close relationship with DH, me and their half sibling and they feel listened to which is all that matters.

I've never read such a bizarre bunch of overly critical and defensive comments in my life. People saying you're a piece of work, this is so awful it must be a wind up, you must be the OW... Step child stops wanting to visit one parent, says it's because she misses sleeping with her mum, step mum ponders whether it's good for her to keep doing that given the circumstances. All a perfectly normal train of thought politely expressed. What is wrong with people in the comments?? Are they that defensive about cosleeping they have seen red and totally lost track of what you've actually said? From the comments, you'd think you'd marched into your SDs mum's house and shouted that she's a terrible mum and they're not to cosleep anymore, also you're DSD's new mum now. Get a grip people, OPs post was very mild.

I hope this thread has taught you that there's no point in giving any of this headspace, OP. Your post was non offensive and well intentioned even if slightly inexperienced, there's absolutely no reason for the awful tone in which people are responding to you. You're wasting your time even pondering how to help as a step parent, because this is the response you invariably get from people.

@farme I wouldn't say it's the co sleeping that is the problem. My DS is 8 and has separation anxiety with me. He gets so upset going to his Dads, cries, clings to me, refuses to go with him. Even when it is his Dad picking him up from school he will not let me leave him at the school gates in the morning as he knows it's not me picking him up. DS has never slept in my bed. I just wanted to mention this as I wouldn't focus too much on the co sleeping.

So, child does not like visiting her dad's house and has to be "forced" to go there, despite being in tears about it.

She clearly doesn't feel comfortable in her father's home, and doesn't feel close enough to her dad to want to spend time with him. He clearly has not done enough to build trust and closeness with his daughter.

But your conclusion is that it, none of this is the father's responsibility and that it must be her mother's fault for being too close to get daughter in the first place?

The mind boggles.

Incidentally, OP, I suggest that you go away and read up on attachment theory. Being overly attached to a parent is not a thing.

He feels torn as at 8, it seems wrong to physically force her into his car but what else can he do?

Poor kid. No wonder she doesn’t want to stay the night.

Your DH needs to concentrate on helping her feel safe in his care.

aSofaNearYou she is the ow though and clearly shows contempt towards the mother even down to her bloody dating life. You would defend anyone though regardless if they are in the wrong.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with being the OW. I genuinely think it’s a case of two people (OP and her DH) who are really quite clueless about the fact that children are real actual people with real feelings that they need help with. And they’ve become obsessed With the “fairness” of having their court allotted time with their possession at the expense of the child’s actual wellbeing.

@MrsRobbieHart

I don’t think it’s anything to do with being the OW. I genuinely think it’s a case of two people (OP and her DH) who are really quite clueless about the fact that children are real actual people with real feelings that they need help with. And they’ve become obsessed With the “fairness” of having their court allotted time with their possession at the expense of the child’s actual wellbeing.

Yes, that's how I read it too. So little regard for the feelings of the child. It's very sad to read.

So what if she’s co sleeping?? She’s 8!! You sound very jealous tbh op? Whether you want to believe it or not. I get you want a relationship with your sd but it will never be the same as the relationship she has with her mum and that’s what you seem so envious of! You have no idea if she’s moved in or not and believe it or not most single parents (especially mothers) don’t expose their children to random men. If we see other men we do it in our “free time” because our children come first! You need to get a grip. Your sd sounds like she has a great relationship and bond with her mum and that’s fantastic, you need to get on board with it. Her mums house is her home and where she will feel most comfortable and that’s that. Of course she will feel upheaval leaving her mum you will just have to manage it as best you can!

With respect OP who are you to say "she isn't scared or anxious"? Separation anxiety literally IS anxiety. You have no idea why she sleeps in her mums bed at home. Maybe there is a pattern and it falls before/after the time with her dad.... because separation anxiety. Maybe there is no valid reason (in your mind), so what. The parent child relationship is between them.

It's not totally abnormal and seems that you and DH are just writing this off as a behaviour / reason for her not wanting to sleep over at dads.

Might be wise to consider it part of the bigger picture. How would you be tackling it if she was getting distressed about coming, but didn't cosleep with Mum?

The cosleeping is likely a symptom not a cause of wider issues. It may also be totally irrelevant altogether.

It's not wise to speak to mum about the sleeping arrangements at her house. How would you react if she suggested that on contact days DSD sleeps with her dad and you on a pull out?! It's not appropriate for either side to comment, it's a private matter in each home. All you can all do is encourage DSD to maintain contact happily on both sides.

My DSD is 10, puberty kicking in, still an extreme co sleeper, as in cannot fall asleep alone, tantrums/crying, etc etc. She never, ever, ever sleeps alone. Her bedrooms are for storage only.
Even when DH was in the bunk a few inches away on our recent caravan holiday she was crying in the night, woke up DS, we were all shattered.
Your DSD isn't anything like mine, her behaviour sounds pretty normal and healthy to me.
My advice is to just go with it. Don't fight it. She will grow out of it when she grows out of it. Don't make it a battle ground for your DH to lose his child over.
My DSD has been so much happier since we broke up her bed to put a desk in for me to work from home, and she's permanently in the double pull out bed with DH. She's much calmer knowing he's not going to be trying to get her to sleep alone (possible the only thing be hasn't tried over the years is a sleeping potion!).
I do look forward to the day she kicks me out her room though, it will be a huge milestone for everyone.

@MrsRobbieHart

Ahh OP you’re causing a real problem here between your husband and his daughter and it’s becoming apparent you haven't the capacity to see how. You don’t know what you’re talking about so you really shouldn’t be involved. Very worrying for this child. You’re going to cause her a lot of pain if you don’t step right back. Your husband needs to change his approach. It isn’t his “ access to his daughter” time. It’s his child’s contact time with her father. The contact is for the benefit of the child. He needs to make it an actual benefit for her to come and be with her father, and before anyone jumps on that, I’m not talking Disney dad, buying her affection. I’m talking about making her feel safe and secure when she is with him, in his home. Taking her kicking and screaming from her mother should never happen again. He needs to go right back to the starting block and have her in small increments that she is comfortable with and build up the time, led by her! His goal shouldn’t be to have X amount of time as ordered by the court, but rather his goal should be a happy daughter who he has a really close bond with. She isn’t a possession, she is an actual human child with her own feelings and worries and it’s up to her parents to help her process them all in a secure environment.

OP, please read this. It's spot on. Your DH isn't priority here. The child is. I wish you both would bloody understand this. You can't MAKE her want to go. Or MAKE her want to stay over. And it's not the cosleeping to blame. And again, to even consider taking that cosleeping comfort and security away from that child just so she sleeps better at yours where rules are stricter? Again, what's in it for the child? That's all for your benefit again. My mind is absolutely blown at this...

@Bananarama21

aSofaNearYou she is the ow though and clearly shows contempt towards the mother even down to her bloody dating life. You would defend anyone though regardless if they are in the wrong.

She hasn't "clearly shown contempt" for the mother at all, she's just questioned the cause and effect of a few things about her, as most people do in real life, probably not realising how easily offended people are on here by that. I challenge you to find one quote from OP that clearly shows contempt.

As to your last sentence, conversely, you will attack and find fault in people regardless of whether they are actually deserving of it. Funny how there are different perspectives and you aren't necessarily right and everybody else's views invalid just because you are the most easily angered.