SD not wanting to stay - co-sleeping arrangements

[farme]

Just looking for some advice.....

My SD (8) is refusing to stay over at ours and my DH is heartbroken. She had phases of this off & on as she says she misses her mom and likes to be with her.

I think one of the factors is that her BM lets her co-sleep with her if she wants. It isn't necessarily every night but she seems quite flexible about it to the point I think it's making SD view us as being too strict in comparison.

SD has her own room at her BMs but from what I gather she sleeps in it some nights for the full night, sometimes she falls asleep in her own bed but wanders through to her mums bed, and other nights she just decides she wants to sleep in her mums bed!!

Surely this isn't healthy for a just turned 8 year old? I think it's really affecting her development and impacting her bond with DH & I as she seems overly close with her BM. Would it be wrong of DH to bring this up with her as she is effectively babying an 8 yr old child and stopping her from becoming independent

DHs exW has never moved on and met someone new so that's why she's happy to co-sleep.

You are too invested in the Mother (no flipping BM!). It is none of your business what she does with her life. She can be as close as she wishes with her daughter. She can co-sleep as much as she wishes. It will never negatively affect her child. The girl obviously loves her mother greatly, and she likes spending time with her.
Your DH is the one who needs to build closeness with his DD. Has he tried co-sleeping with her himself? Tried spending 1 to 1 time with his DD? Reading, playing. Maybe listen to his DD, and spending the evening with her and taking her back to her mother, till she is happy enough to stay with her father overnight.

"Were you the OW?"
What difference would that make?

It's quite important actually op. It really does affect how kids connect. It's very possible she feels disloyal to her mum by being expected to sleepover. You probably need to back off and take it at her pace and stop trying to force anything.

If you were the OW, it's highly likely her bond with her mum will have strengthened as a result of the split.

We did try this for a period but it resulted in SDD getting upset and clinging to her mum before school as her mum wouldn't be picking her up. Before this she had no issues with going into school so the mum wanted to go back to the original plan to snood the stress at school in the morning.

DH didn't agree but as there is a court agreement in place saying pick up time is at 6pm, his hands were tied

@CandyLeBonBon

"Were you the OW?" What difference would that make?

It's quite important actually op. It really does affect how kids connect. It's very possible she feels disloyal to her mum by being expected to sleepover. You probably need to back off and take it at her pace and stop trying to force anything.

If you were the OW, it's highly likely her bond with her mum will have strengthened as a result of the split.

SDD doesn't know any details if the split. I knew my now DH beforehand but as far as SDD knows, we only met 2 years (ish) ago

'The Mum'???

Honestly you sound really sound like something else.

Maybe the little girl doesn't like being with you, maybe she doesn't feel safe and secure and that's why she doesn't want to stay.

OP If you only met officially two years ago, as far as DD knows, then that’s a lot of change in a short time. Dad meets new woman, dad introduces new woman to DD, engagement, presumably you then moved in, and then a wedding. All within two years. For a 6-8 year old that’s a lot to get used to. It’s no wonder she is clinging onto the place where everything has stayed the same and no new partners have been introduced (which you have had the nerve to criticise her mother for!)

I've never read such a infuriating post. Who are you to judge the closeness of their relationship, where the child sleeps when she is home with her mum, whether the mum has moved on or not

All absolutely non of your business

'DH' needs to start exploring what he can do differently rather than ways to blame his ex

You need to put your claws away. She is her mum.

I think you're putting too much blame on mum.

I divorced ex 10 years ago, have no partner and am definitely over the relationship. It's very rude that you think she cosleeps because she's single. Lots of parents make that choice because they see the benefits for the child and don't want to sleep train unnecessarily. Mum isn't cosleeping to ruin the relationship with Dad.

If you don't believe me do a search on kids who have trouble sleeping at night. You'll see that they lie in bed worried or have racing thoughts and it's not some sort of conspiracy by the parents to keep the child attached. Can a 7 year old be too attached?

8 year olds should in my opinion be in their own beds unless it's day off / weekend snuggling

That is correct, that is in your opinion

It’s not unhealthy.
She is not affecting her development.
It is not affecting her independence.

Where his daughter sleeps should not be impacting your partner. If he hasn’t bonded with his daughter in 8 years then that says more about him than what appears to be a loving and nurturing mother.

TBH it's DH that believed it was the co-sleeping causing the issue. He spoke to SDD about it and that's more or less why she said she prefers her mums house

Of course he believes that. It absolves him of any blame.

She more or less said that the Co sleeping is why she prefers mum? I bet it was less, and she said a whole lot of other stuff that he ignored because he grasped onto the thing that isn't his fault.

Also, there is no such thing as being “overly close” with your mum. Never heard so much shit in my life.

I do appreciate all the responses even when it's not what I was expecting. As I said below I'm not a bio-mum and I genuinely thought co-sleeping at 8 would be rare & frowned upon.

I'll think it over and talk to DH about other solutions.'it just doesn't seem right that she favours one house over the other as she is allowed to sleep with her mum and has stricter rules here

Thanks

Just seen you’ve lied to her about the length of your relationship. I have an 8yo. They’re not daft. I doubt it’s her mother making her prefer being at mums. Sounds like your DH is the one failing here. Why lie?

it just doesn't seem right that she favours one house over the other as she is allowed to sleep with her mum and has stricter rules here

I think, realistically, all children who have to split their time between homes, will have a preferred home. It’s just how it is and it’s something you’ll have to make your peace with. They probably will never say so though because they know it would hurt their parent to know- the fact DD has told her dad should speak volumes- she really does need to sleep at home with her mum, at least for now. And her father should do what’s right for his child who is struggling with this stage in her life.

@RussianSpy101 we didn't actually lie to her about the length of the relationship. 2 years ago is around the time time that SDD became aware of me as her dads partner.

For a number of complicated reasons (DH being married but loving separate lives being only one of them), we kept our relationship pretty quiet for the first few years. Also DH didn't want us to meet until we knew it was going to last.

We've never actually told SDD when we met

You need to build trust with her. Slowly. Start with brief days out and leave the overnights for now. It sounds very distressing for her. Your home doesn't feel safe to her. Co sleeping is normal and does not cause separation anxiety. It makes her feel safe. She may have told her dad the issue is around sleeping, it is likely to be much deeper than that. She might not have the words or trust him to say what she really thinks. Both of you need to build your attachment to her

@farme

You really just need to back off. It's not down to you or your dp/dh to dictate how close she is to her mum.

Your inexperience with kids is clear, and whilst that's not a fault, it does, in this instance mean that you need to take a step back because you don't really have a clue and run the risk of damaging relations out of pure ignorance. I'd say the same for your husband too tbh because he doesn't sound any more the wiser. 8 is still so very young. Please try to bear that in mind.

An 8 year old shouldn't be co-sleeping on a regular basis.

Shouldn’t? Why?

As a child I used to get really anxious at night, especially if the house was really quiet, I could be awake for hours worrying, or awoke from a bad dream. But, I used to crawl in to bed with my sister who I shared a room with and that helped.

My daughter struggled with it too but doesn’t have a sibling so would crawl in with me instead. She’s 12 now and rarely does it - can’t remember the last time - she’s more than capable of sleeping in her own bed. It is relatively recently in history that we all went to bed by ourselves. There is no problem with co-sleeping with older kids.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

DD slept in my bed until she was 10 then one night decided enough was enough. She always had her own bed. She doesn't particularly like sleeping at her dad's, she would rather come home and go back the next morning, she likes her own space with her own things, she doesn't mind staying occasionally or visiting his parents in another city and staying for a few nights. However, when she came back she would want to sleep in my bed for the following few nights.

I'm sure it's like being on holiday and wanting to get back home, a lot of the teens I work with who spend 50:50 say whilst the like spending time with both parents theyd prefer having one home and hate going back and forth as they feel disorganised.

You talk alot about yours and DH feelings but what about what the DC wants to do?

I’m sure they would prefer one home for convenience but not at the detriment of not seeing the other parent as frequently….

Also, if DC is very close to her mum (most children are of course) then she probably will feel more comfortable there as she doesn’t have to share attention etc… so it’s not as simple as saying she doesn’t want to go so she doesn’t have to, because she’s too young to understand the consequences, being - her relationship with her dad would suffer.

"'it just doesn't seem right that she favours one house over the other"
Ahhh. Well all's not fair in the world of the kid that has to divide themselves up between 2 houses to suit the separated parents.
An 8yr old might be clingy and decide one week they don't want to go to the Dad's. That's their right. Doesn't mean every week will be like that.
It'd suit if her mother got a new bloke because then she wouldn't be as much of a threat to you. That's another factor.

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time on here OP.

When you say her mum hasn’t moved on…I know what you mean. She might have moved on emotionally but she’s single…hence her ability to have her daughter sleep in with her which may be different had she a partner herself which could change the dynamic somewhat.

I agree with you re the co-sleeping. I feel by 8 most parents should be encouraging boundaries and independence. Not to make a child feel less loved or secure but to build a bit of maturity.

Re not staying at her dads, I agree with previous posters that’s she too young to be making big decisions like her herself. Unless there was a genuine safety/neglect reason at her dads which there isn’t it I don’t see why she shouldn’t be doing as she is told. The longer she doesn’t stay and is out of that routine the harder it is to get back into it. In the meantime yes he could do day visits etc but overall she should be coming to your home and getting involved in all aspects of family life. The comments around being ‘overly’ close with her mum are valid. There is such a thing as being too reliant on one parent that it creates a level of clinginess resulting in distance from the other parent especially as her parents are separated and one of the contributing factors could be the co-sleeping. I would hesitate a guess that her mum - and perhaps your partner too- don’t particularly enforce boundaries with her perhaps out of guilt of their separation and there may be other areas where she can just do what she wants.

As a SM it’s really difficult to pass comment on other people’s parenting. It’s notoriously a touchy subject and parents typically get very defensive even when your intentions are good. Believe me I’ve been there myself. Ironically those less emotionally involved are often those that see things far clearer from the outside. My advice would be to encourage your partner to chat to the ex about building resilience and independence in their daughter. It’s best you keep out as unfortunately you’re unlikely to get any thanks.

Best of luck

It may be the little girl doesn't like the idea of leaving Mum alone. Or maybe she fears that she wont be let back home again . Or maybe she dislikes the stepmother as she will if SM is the type to Witter on about about bad Mums who let their
daughters into their bed.
The fact is her Mum is the only one she trusts, the one who stayed. Don't try and impress your new DP with how much better you understand his daughter than her mother does - tell him he should not be forcing that child the way he does. It's cruel
when the child is hysterical.

Oh! So you're the other woman and you're jealous that you haven't just walked into a ready made family, that her mum is still in the picture and your husband isn't dad of the year.
You have absolutely 0 place to get involved here. Believe you me, if mum finds out that you're disparaging her, her daughter and their bond on an open forum she will crucify you.

Your opinions are really gross and say more about you than mum or her little girl.

She is her primary caregiver, she clearly makes her feel safe/happy/secure. Their bond isn't too much, it's how it should be!
Dad needs to stop being so bloody lazy and begin to work harder in forming this bond of his own, not blame her mum for creating a secure attachment.
Being brutally honest, I think you need to not be there while they build this attachment too - not all the time anyway.