SD not wanting to stay - co-sleeping arrangements

[farme]

Just looking for some advice.....

My SD (8) is refusing to stay over at ours and my DH is heartbroken. She had phases of this off & on as she says she misses her mom and likes to be with her.

I think one of the factors is that her BM lets her co-sleep with her if she wants. It isn't necessarily every night but she seems quite flexible about it to the point I think it's making SD view us as being too strict in comparison.

SD has her own room at her BMs but from what I gather she sleeps in it some nights for the full night, sometimes she falls asleep in her own bed but wanders through to her mums bed, and other nights she just decides she wants to sleep in her mums bed!!

Surely this isn't healthy for a just turned 8 year old? I think it's really affecting her development and impacting her bond with DH & I as she seems overly close with her BM. Would it be wrong of DH to bring this up with her as she is effectively babying an 8 yr old child and stopping her from becoming independent

DHs exW has never moved on and met someone new so that's why she's happy to co-sleep.

This has to be a wind up surely?
So if I’ve got it right she has a birth mum, she likes to sleep with her mum, she is man handled crying into her fathers car to stay over at her dads house/ bed he shares with you, you think she is to close to her mum, you disapprove of her sleeping with her mum in her own home, you think mum allows her to co sleep because mum is not shacked up with another man/ women who would otherwise be in mums bed. Mum is following the court order to make her daughter available to go to YOUR house. This child is only 8 years old that is still very young. Can you imagine for just one minute having to force your child to go stay somewhere she doesn’t want to.
Quite frankly I think your nuts.
My dc refuses to stay at their df and guess what I’ve never had another man stay over in my house when my children are here in the last 5 years, do you think that is wrong?

Perhaps, rather than analyzing what happens at the mom's house, your partner might focus on what he needs to do to make his daughter feel more comfortable and secure in his home.

Obviously, if the child does at times sleep alone at her mom's home, she is capable and willing to sleep alone at times. The question then becomes why is she not comfortable enough in dad's home to do that?

The mom's job is to make the child available to dad and to not impede that contact. It sounds as though the mom is doing all of that.

If dad ,on his own, is not capable of facilitating a comfortable and secure relationship with his daughter that is a situation that " he" proactively needs to resolve. The resolution is not asking the mom to change her behavior, instead he needs to modify his behavior.

The child may just not feel a comfortable or welcoming vibe in his home. Even young children have personal likes and dislikes and a good sense of when and where they feel safe and wanted.

It is not up to an 8 year old to be an adequate child, but it is the responsibility of the father to be an effective parent.

@farme fuck sake just drop the “bio mum” shit. If you give birth you will be a mum , if you take on your dh child then your a step mum, if you foster then your a foster mum, I could go on.
Your being a dick

My 14 year old son has only just stopped wandering into our bed in the early hours. He was always the only person in the house to wake up early and he would come in and fall back to sleep. We have a super large bed so plenty of space for him and he would get into bed and cuddle one of us. He stopped during the lockdowns and unlikely to start again as he's started puberty now. We miss the sound of his footsteps coming towards our room.

My 8 year old still co sleeps. We try every now and again and she has her room, but she just wants to be in with me. She’ll stop eventually, at the minute she likes it as it makes her feel safe. It’s a tough age, they’re growing up, but not grown up.

She will go and stay at her dads, but as much as she loves him, she would rather be at mine because it’s her house and where she spends most of her time. Which is natural I think but I try my best to arrange time with her dad, when he can be bothered.

Is there a reason why she can’t just sleep with him? Or both of you? Does she know she can come through when upset? I think as grown ups we forget that we like sleeping with our partners - so why would a small child not want company at night time?

Also, not birth mum, she’s not given her up for adoption.

Also bear in mind it’s been a hard year or so for them, I know lockdown this year really got to my 8 year old, the need to feel “safe” has been huge for her.

Also FYI I may look like I haven’t moved on in the four years I have been solo, but sex doesn’t just happen at night time and I have no inclination to bring another person into my child’s life. Your DH’s ex may feel the same way way.

Honestly? ... I don't think it's your business. It's between her mum and her. Her mum is not 'babying' her. Some parents and their children, even when teens, are very close. Sleeping next to each other is a primal security blanket.

So don't disrespect this. Don't suggest it's odd or wrong. It's hard enough for this little girl to have her parents in different houses. You're with a guy who has a growing child. Your life won't be as simple as if he didn't have her. You have to work on your own feelings, and respect his daughter and her mum. Let them be.

His daughter isn't a dog, to train. She has a lot of feelings, for sure. She will grow out of needing to sleep close. Just bear with it.

The more secure she feels the faster she will grow out of the cosleeping. Have her over for dinner but take her home for bed, start days out early with breakfast out, spend a few days in a row at your house but take her home at night, go away for a night to a hotel. Take it slowly and make it fun with not pressure to stay the night.

When you say her mum hasn’t moved on…I know what you mean. She might have moved on emotionally but she’s single…hence her ability to have her daughter sleep in with her which may be different had she a partner herself which could change the dynamic somewhat.

Yes. Because it’s absolutely fine for grown adults to enjoy the comfort of co-sleeping with another grown adult but young children - who have lived through 18+ months of absolute shit - should be “independent”.

My 11 year old is welcome in with me and/or DH whenever she likes. She’s exceptionally independent, bright, happy but Covid and lockdowns have brought out some worry that’s easily dealt with by more closeness, not less.

And this little girl is dealing with shared parenting as well. Wind your neck in, OP.

It’s odd to think remaining single means you havent moved on. Aurely it means the opposite. You have moved on from a shit relationship and are able to be alone. Those who rush straight into another relationship I always think couldnt move on so they use a new relationship as a distraction.

I really hope this is a troll post.

Every OP update has made me feel more and more upset.

That poor little girl.

I hope your contempt for her mother does not come across in real life as clearly as it does in your posts. She isn't her birth mum, she isn't her bio mum, she is her mum. You are not. She isn't overly close to her mum , she's just a little girl who needs her mum.

My similarly aged ds often creeps into our bed with DH and I in the middle of the night, i think having a cuddle in your mums bed is one of the most nurturing things for kids. its an entirely normal thing to do.

As for the BM never having moved on, this is firstly none of your business and secondly, she perhaps is thinking what is the best interests of her daughter. I think her reluctance to stay at your house might well be due to other factors than the co sleeping,

Put your attention on ensuring your SDD is happy and settled in hour house OP, not on criticising what happens at her mum’s.

If SDD had a nightmare and occasionally went through to her mums room this is one thing. Sounds like she routinely just gets into her mums bed at bedtime and sleeps there all night. She's not scared or anxious, she hits likes it.

She doesn't routinely do it here so misses that comfort rather than missing her mum (if they were in separate beds in the mums house)

@farme

It's is court ordered.

Her mum does encourage it and has taken her out in tears before, strapped her into the car seat etc so she has forced it as much as possible. Anytime SD hasn't stayed it's because SD has been so upset that DH has said she could stay with her mum. This has only happened 5 times, all other times he has forced her to go.

He feels torn as at 8, it seems wrong to physically force her into his car but what else can he do? Her mum says she just needs to "make her available and encourage her to go"

This is awful. Poor girl being manhandled into going somewhere she doesn't want to go. This isn't mum's fault. Maybe they need to go back and get the court order amended so that she can stay with mum overnight?

He feels torn as at 8, it seems wrong to physically force her into his car but what else can he do? erm..not force her into his car?! Would you like to be forced into a car against your will?!

Are you my daughters stepmother? Firstly, just because she hasn’t had another relationship doesn’t mean she hasn’t moved on. Get a grip. Someone’s worth is not measured by their relationship status. Secondly, my daughter still occasionally cosleeps. This does not effect her sleeping in her own bed at her dads.

She doesn't routinely do it here so misses that comfort rather than missing her mum (if they were in separate beds in the mums house)

If she was just missing comfort then she would do it routinely...

Visitation should be what is in the best interests of the child. 'Forcing' a child to go with someone she doesn't want to isn't helping anyone.

I suggest your husband build up his relationship with his daughter outside of overnights, and takes things at her pace, regardless of what a court order says.

What's the reason for the court order BTW?

@farme

If SDD had a nightmare and occasionally went through to her mums room this is one thing. Sounds like she routinely just gets into her mums bed at bedtime and sleeps there all night. She's not scared or anxious, she hits likes it.

She doesn't routinely do it here so misses that comfort rather than missing her mum (if they were in separate beds in the mums house)

You’re so far off the mark. You like sleeping in a bed with someone else. WHY SHOULDN’T YOUR SD?!

@Tattler2

Perhaps, rather than analyzing what happens at the mom's house, your partner might focus on what he needs to do to make his daughter feel more comfortable and secure in his home.

Obviously, if the child does at times sleep alone at her mom's home, she is capable and willing to sleep alone at times. The question then becomes why is she not comfortable enough in dad's home to do that?

The mom's job is to make the child available to dad and to not impede that contact. It sounds as though the mom is doing all of that.

If dad ,on his own, is not capable of facilitating a comfortable and secure relationship with his daughter that is a situation that " he" proactively needs to resolve. The resolution is not asking the mom to change her behavior, instead he needs to modify his behavior.

The child may just not feel a comfortable or welcoming vibe in his home. Even young children have personal likes and dislikes and a good sense of when and where they feel safe and wanted.

It is not up to an 8 year old to be an adequate child, but it is the responsibility of the father to be an effective parent.

OP

Read this ^^ and take heed

Oh dear op. That’s all a bit of a mess on your part really isn’t it.

You’re really not getting it are you OP? Stop focusing on what mum is doing ‘wrong’ and start working out what you and your partner can do ‘right’? (Clue: it’s not ‘criticise her mum’)

I think you need to be honest about your own feelings here. You had an affair with this guy and I'm assuming you thought that you would quickly fit into a family set up with him and his daughter with no real issues. However this isn't panning out the way you thought and you're looking to blame the mother.

You don't really know what the daughter knows or has picked up on. She may have overheard conversations or seen things that have given her more of an understanding than you think. You may have to come to terms with never being a full part of her life as deep down she will always have this suspicion about you. That maybe something you have to just deal with.

How much contact did he have with her before you were introduced? did he have her overnight?

You are being unreasonable trying to undermine her relationship with her mother. When her dad left her when she was young (and yes children do remember feelings and tension subconsciously) her mother was probably the only stable, nurturing figure in her life as dad was gone. Of course her bond is going to stronger. She has always been there for her.

If SDD had a nightmare and occasionally went through to her mums room this is one thing. Sounds like she routinely just gets into her mums bed at bedtime and sleeps there all night. She's not scared or anxious, she hits likes it.
And? Why would you want to take away something she likes, that she and her mum are happy with, and cause further trauma to a kid who’s been through a whole load of home disruption plus being tearfully manhandled to her other home?

This is so judgy and disapproving: “she just likes it”. Try engaging your empathy. She’s eight.

@farme

If SDD had a nightmare and occasionally went through to her mums room this is one thing. Sounds like she routinely just gets into her mums bed at bedtime and sleeps there all night. She's not scared or anxious, she hits likes it.

She doesn't routinely do it here so misses that comfort rather than missing her mum (if they were in separate beds in the mums house)

Well, if she just likes it you obviously must stop her immediately. We must not have children liking things.

What is her time like with her dad? Is she the priority when she is at your house? Does he take her places she enjoys? Does he do activities with her? Or is she having to fit in with your lives?