Disengaging, Nacho support thread

[SnowWhitesSM]

Hiya - anyone fancy a disengaging support thread?

Rules of disengaging - not your circus not your monkeys! The more I concentrate on good things in my life the more I don't care about the shit I cant control. There is still a bit of a target on my back as I'm not the greatest at disengaging, but I'm trying!

Helpful links I've found along the way -

blendedfamilyfrappe.com/about there is a survival guide download on this site that has saved my sanity.

Radical step mum on IG is also very helpful.

There's the Facebook Nacho-ing group, it's American based and there is also an academy for additional support. Advice is pretty good although there are obvious culture differences between UK and US step parenting.

jamiescrimgeour.com/uncategorized/when-should-a-stepmom-disengage-from-parenting/ another blogger that I've found a bit helpful.

If anyone wants to join in and has any other links to share that would be great!

What I'm trying to achieve by disengaging is to take the target off my back. So I don't say to DH argh the living rooms a mess and dss hasn't put anything away, I ask dh to tidy up the living room. He then sees its dss mess and tells him to tidy up or, if he chooses he tidies up himself and I'm not put out by it. This was dh can't get defensive and put his annoyance on me and I'm not the bad guy.

Some things you can't disengage from - my recent thread about positive lft is testament to that, but life has got easier since I've stepped back and found something else to concentrate on rather than be annoyed around dhs parenting.

My DHs youngest paternal half brother has the name that DH had for the first 2 days of his life until his mum decides that she really didn't like it. Obviously his dad did really like the name... Now I'm wondering if DHs SM knew 🙈

@Youseethethingis maybe she didn't know at first but I bet she knows now!! I'd be so upset and angry if I went along with the name then found out weeks, months or maybe years after, I'd feel so betrayed! I'm putting my foot down on the name front when the baby is born, surely I'm allowed to pick the name of our child after this bomb shell 😂

That would really annoy me too @Carolinesyear

Thanks @harriethoyle it's been a very hard journey to get my own head back!

@honeygriff it's so hard when you're emotionally involved and see how wrong they're being treated.

@Carolinesyear I would 100% be annoyed. Yes get the name you want! I also think you need to speak to DH about having some you and him time. It's really important that you two have a solid relationship when baby comes, I think there would be nothing wrong in scheduling a regular date night and getting a babysitter once a week or fortnight.

@Carolinesyear

Well done *@SnowWhitesSM* that sounds like it was much easier on both you and DH, exactly what nachoing is all about. I'm struggling at the moment as DH works away 3 or 4 nights a week, comes back with loads of dirty washing and obviously has to cram in all the contact with his kids during this time too, so our time alone is really limited, this morning I wonder why I even bother, what do I get out of this, lonely 50% of the week and the other half chaos with kids and mess. To top it off I'm 4 months pregnant. Yesterday we went to the beach with DSDs and one of them was asking about baby names and when I said DH had suggested Eleanor the eldest one piped up ' that's what I was going to be named' Am I being irrational for feeling angry about this? That DH. Suggested a name that he and his ex were thinking of calling their child? Anyway I voiced my upset and DH is backing down on the whole having an opinion on names which suits me down to the ground as I really don't like many of his suggestions and if I can turn this to my advantage I will!

OMG, that would piss me off completely. You are in no way being irrational!

@aSofaNearYou @CornishGem1975 and @SnowWhitesSM thank you for your support, I almost wish I'd made more of a fuss now, to be fair I did make quite a bit, I said I felt like wife 'take 2' and that he was having the same discussions with me that he did with her, for example one of the kids said that their mum and dad were going to America to watch the Calgary stampede, I was like 'wtf DH you keep on suggesting this as a holiday!' I just feel are any of are thoughts and discussions actually unique to us? Maybe most relationships are like that but they don't have children and exes in the picture to remind us every five bloody minutes.
Let me tell you about my sister, she's a step mum too but has totally disengaged but maybe (as my DH says) to an unhealthy level. Her DH moved in with her and took on her lifestyle, he had a high conflict ex and my sister never got involved, they've never even met (6 years married) and whenever he had the kids (admittedly not often) she'd disappear to mine or my mums. She didn't know anything about them or their home life. Anyway both sister and DH with their young child have moved a few hundred miles from DSC and now DH hasn't seen them since March! I'm ashamed to say I'm jealous of her when we have DSC so much but equally last night my DH was asking if her attitude of completely disengagement had possibly brought her DH to no contact? I mean everyone blames the high conflict ex for making things difficult but there is no court order and I'm sure he could have fought harder to see them if he wanted? What do you guys think, can disengagement go too far?

We do have lots of kid free eventing a to be fair, he gets them mostly through the day

Oops didn't finish that we get them through the day and only one night over night every fortnight which is a Saturday night and all day Sunday, we also get them every Tuesday and Thursday after school for tea and bath then they go home for bed but we get them every Sunday. School holidays we seem to get them all day Monday Tuesday and Thursday (mother's days at work) but I try to put off weekends with them too at these times as that would be too much and although DH is self employed he's got to work sometimes!

one of the kids said that their mum and dad were going to America to watch the Calgary stampede, I was like 'wtf DH you keep on suggesting this as a holiday!'

It’s totally fair to think that’s not ok. My H was always banging on about going on holiday to a specific hotel in a specific resort. Apparently it’s just wonderful. Except that’s where he went on family holidays with his bloody ex. Including the family holiday they had as a honeymoon.

And he could not understand that it is literally the last holiday in the world I’d want to go in. Even when I tried to explain it to him he could not (would not) understand that no woman he’s with will want to go there. Especially not with his daughter going on the entire time about his they went there with her mum etc etc.

On disengaging too much, I’d say that there’s a danger that you disengage do completely that you no longer have any meaningful relationship to your husband.

I don’t think it impacts on a father’s relationship with his children though. Disengaging gives him space to do that and to take responsibility for it. If he chooses to see his kids less on the basis that his wife isn’t doing all the work or he’d rather be with his wife, that’s not her fault. He’s a crap father. And that is probably closely related to why his wife felt she needed to disengage.

Omg @BadlyFormedQuestion that sounds awful, why on earth would you want to go there, are these men bloody simple minded? I hope you didn't have to fight this suggestion for long?
Yes I actually stuck up for my sister, I said that she would never have got in the way with his access to his children and it was down to the ex. I do wonder if he was passively having a go at my disappearances and disengagement's. But jeezo every time I seem to spend time with the kids a new revelation comes out of the woodwork that upsets me, he says this will lessen with time, but will it? I said that my sister is lucky as she doesn't have to deal with the hurt and he says it'll all still come but it'll happen later.

@Carolinesyear I completely get what you're saying about the baby name. Dp and I had a row about baby milk when I was 4 months pregnant he said that dsd had this particular milk because she started as breast fed and it was the most like breast milk but that our ds couldn't have it as its expensive compared to others. Sounds so ridiculous but I went mental. Just another example of something that made me and our baby way way down the line in comparison.

The holiday thing is also horrible!! We live in the marital home it was NOT easy on me to move here and I dreaded dsd saying something from her mother as she wouldn't remember living here herself but dp made a point of whispering to her 'do you remember when this was your bedroom dsd when you lived here with me and mummy' I was FUMING to say the least!!

I woukdnt say your sisters situation is down to her disengaging maybe there are more issues than are known about between her DH and his ex.

@Carolinesyear I think the fact that your BIL barely sees his children is entirely his own fault. It’s not your sister’s job to make him be a proper father. And whatever his ex is like, he could have a court order and that would solve the issue.

I had well over a year of holiday bullshit until I lost it with him and told him that I would rather never go on holiday ever again than recreate his holidays with his ex. The idiot claimed that he had a rubbish time on holiday with her (not the point) and that it was about the resort not recreating his old family holidays (nonsense). Just ridiculous. Literally everyone I’ve ever mentioned this to immediately understands that obviously that resort is not an appropriate suggestion. Even once. Never mind to keep going on about it. There are millions of places to go on holiday. There is no way in hell any woman is going to want to go on holiday with him to the hotel he had his honeymoon at (we never had a honeymoon at all).

It must be really hard living in his former marital home. I don’t think I could have done that.

Agreed, living in the marital homes would be too much for me, I'd insist on moving.
On that note has anyone else read 'other people's children'? Such a good read about step families

@Carolinesyear we can't move she put a hold on the house and is after a huge chunk of money and delayed the divorce at every opportunity - covid has also assisted with that! It has been tough but have to remind myself it's just a house. Have managed to get at least 2 rooms decorated so far the rest is still to do. There were tenants in before we came here as we both rented seperately then together then moved back here in spring this year. Hoping to either do major building work or move next year once it's all sorted to make it completely different!!

I'll check the book out 😁

@Vie8126 your dp needs some serious counselling. It's easy to see on the outside why he's the way he is but jeeze he's so hurtful to you in his nrp guilt.

I wouldn't feel jealous of your sister @Carolinesyear she's living with the knowledge that if she split up from her dh he'd most likely do the same to their child. Also her 'idyllic' sc free life could come crashing down at any minute when they decide to find their dad and want a relationship with him.

Ugh, popping on for a quick rant - supposed to be away with DSD for half term leaving Thurs. Arrangement was that they would stay with us weds night so that Thurs wasn't a rush. They are now with staying with Cruella deVille because she's arranged an (entirely discretionary) appointment for one Weds night and DH is now going to collect Thurs which will make Thurs FAR less relaxing and borering on the frantic due to our timings... Just totally FUCKS ME OFF that she chops and changes and we are negatively impacted by it (and also slightly pissed off that DH didn't say no, bugger off!)

Grrrrr. This is where I need to get better at nacho-ing!!

Rant away @harriethoyle

Another nacho win this morning for me - dh morning routine with dss is very annoying. Dss gets up and plays on his switch before breakfast and getting ready. Every school morning is a nightmare because obviously he doesn't get ready very quickly and watches youtube whilst eating breakfast and getting dressed. I find this very annoying as dh is always rushing around and stressed in the last ten minutes of leaving the house and they're usually late.

Today dss told dh he didn't hear him telling him to get dressed so was still in his pjs at 10 past 8. Dh needs to leave at 20/25 past. He also couldn't find his school shoes, his bag wasn't ready ect ect. Dh was rushing around stressed and getting pissy. I just made a cuppa and turned my laptop on. When dh left the house he said to me about clearing my old car out when I have 5 minutes today.. in a pissy voice because he's pissy about being late and stressed. Argh fuck off DH and sort your parenting out so you don't get stressed. A bit of forward planning is all it takes!

I'm not sure why it annoys me that dh doesn't make sure dss gets dressed, eats his breakfast, brushes his teeth and has his bag ready before being allowed on his switch to play games or watch YouTube but it really does! Dss hardly ever brushes his teeth and has 7 fillings at 8 years old. I find it so alien from what I did when my dc were that age. However, its not my kid and not my problem and I won't be thanked in the slightest for A pointing out that the majority of parents make sure their dc are ready before tablets and telly on a school morning or B taking over and doing it myself.

@SnowWhitesSM that's so frustrating and even though you're nachoing it is effecting you as it's DHs mood and that's bound to upset you. Could you start going for a morning walk so you're out the house when this is going on? Or start work earlier? Do you have DSS many mornings a week?
I have a similar issue with DH and DSC but in the evenings rather than the morning. We only ever get them Sunday mornings so no rush. However two nights a week DH picks DSC from school drives the 30 mins home and then has to walk the dogs, feed the kids, get them to do their special extra homework and bath them wash hair etc (it was recently discovered they only wash their hair at ours) then he takes them home for half 6, 7 at the latest. This is so much to fit in and I feel sorry for the DSC as everything is such a rush, I do often think is it fair for them, they have to drag all their pjs to school and get driven back home in the dark in a cold car with wet hair, I feel it's just because DM works late on those days so it's convenient but it's not convenient for those poor kids. And not nice for them to see their DF lose his shit because he's cramming so much in. I have to say I don't lift a finger to help, I do my own jobs like washing and hoovering or take the dogs out.
When will they be at an age where it's inappropriate for them to bath and go home in their PJs? Ok for a 6yo but one of them is 9 now

I was thinking about this @SnowWhitesSM (being vexed by things) because it really gets my goat that Cruella never does drop off or pick up, despite the fact it doesn't affect me because I'm not expected to pick up any slack... I think it's because I really hate to see DH being disregarded and treated poorly and then I get irritated by him not standing up for himself a bit more (although tbf to him, the zen approach avoids a LOT of drama). Particularly in your situation when your DH is being pissy with you because he's letting DSS walk all over him it's no wonder it irritates you!

@Carolinesyear my 13 dsd regularly rocks up on fridays in pjs ready for movie night under the sofa blankets so you've got years yet!

@harriethoyle the DM does none of the pick up and drop off here either, except during covid when DH used to look after her son (to her new husband) out of the goodness of his heart. But even then she'd never come all the way, is it weird she's never even been to our house, I don't think she'd know the way in an emergency.
I was hoping at 12 they might go off the idea of being driven home in their PJs and maybe stand up for themselves, no skin off my nose I just feel a bit bad for them as it's such a rush

I could totally start work earlier, I could even go into the office on Monday and Thursdays so me and my dc would be out the house by 7.30 leaving dh to be stressed by himself. That would work well, but I enjoy wfh at the moment and like the peace once he's gone.

@Carolinesyear yup you've got it in reverse. Your dh could make life easier for himself quite easily with a slow cooker or batch cooking or McDonald's he could also say to their dm he can't do both homework and baths so which one would she prefer done. He could but he won't, just like my dh could get things ready the night before and could make dss be ready before tech.

Tbh with the pj thing, my dc are teens and I sometimes drop them off to my dm in their pjs . I think it's more annoying that your dp has to cram so much in rather than it being annoying they're in pjs but the pjs are a visual of the no time.

@harriethoyle yes I hate seeing dh having the piss taken out of him. He's broke this month, he pays child support even though we're 50/50 and he's currently being harassed to buy new trainers and winter coat. He did the school uniform, he pays school dinners, he pays the phone and the £10 week pocket money. It annoys me a lot to hear her shouting at dh that he doesn't care about dss if he can't afford new trainers and coat this week. Dss has a perfectly good coat and trainers btw, he has two pairs of trainers actually that fit him just fine. He has about 4 jacket/water proof coats but needs a new winter coat but not immediately. It can wait till the end of the months pay day. But I let it go, our bills are paid, its up to him what he does with his money as long as it doesn't leave him short for his house contributions. He chooses to have the piss taken out of him, he doesn't need to, he thinks its the easy way out so I let that shit go. I often smile and think thank god it's not my ex and push those thoughts out of my head! I do not need what she does in my head. I don't care about what new drama she brings to dh, thats up to him and his mess to deal with as he was careless enough to have a baby with a woman he had a fling with. Not my problem. I am resolute in trying to keep that shit away from my peace.

@Carolinesyear why on earth can’t they have a bath when they get back to their mothers??!? Insane. But then you know that ……

How is everyone getting on with their nacho-ing?
DM dropped the DSC off yesterday with two uncarved pumpkins saying she didn't have time to do them during the week. As if I didn't have a job on top of being pregnant and having boarding kennels with 16 boarders and a holiday cottage. Also our porch has flooded this morning. Safe to say I won't be doing those.
Also how am I going to nacho the state of their room? my baby is due in April and will have to share with them. I think it's going to fall on me. The rest of the house is clean and tidy but I just shut the door on their room and forget it exists. I think it's going to attract rodents as the eat crisps in there and leave hot chocolate etc.

@Carolinesyear deep breath. If rodents appear then dh will have to deal with it. Ignore that room. Or get dh to pay for a weekly cleaner (especially if you're about to have a baby).

If they want to carve pumpkins direct them to their dad - "oh that sounds nice lovelies ask your dad" and ignore.

You've got a lot on your plate. What can you plan tonight to look forward too? A bath? Find a podcast, ring a friend for an hours catch up? Plan something you want to do. Fill your cup right up.

My nacho-ing is alright ish. Friday dss was up until 10.30pm. Dh kept moaning he was tired, I said go to bed and he said he can't as its Friday and not fair on dss to have to go to bed at ten to ten (when he started moaning) I said aw thats hard for you but your choice and then I went to bed! Ha result!