Disengaging, Nacho support thread

[SnowWhitesSM]

Hiya - anyone fancy a disengaging support thread?

Rules of disengaging - not your circus not your monkeys! The more I concentrate on good things in my life the more I don't care about the shit I cant control. There is still a bit of a target on my back as I'm not the greatest at disengaging, but I'm trying!

Helpful links I've found along the way -

blendedfamilyfrappe.com/about there is a survival guide download on this site that has saved my sanity.

Radical step mum on IG is also very helpful.

There's the Facebook Nacho-ing group, it's American based and there is also an academy for additional support. Advice is pretty good although there are obvious culture differences between UK and US step parenting.

jamiescrimgeour.com/uncategorized/when-should-a-stepmom-disengage-from-parenting/ another blogger that I've found a bit helpful.

If anyone wants to join in and has any other links to share that would be great!

What I'm trying to achieve by disengaging is to take the target off my back. So I don't say to DH argh the living rooms a mess and dss hasn't put anything away, I ask dh to tidy up the living room. He then sees its dss mess and tells him to tidy up or, if he chooses he tidies up himself and I'm not put out by it. This was dh can't get defensive and put his annoyance on me and I'm not the bad guy.

Some things you can't disengage from - my recent thread about positive lft is testament to that, but life has got easier since I've stepped back and found something else to concentrate on rather than be annoyed around dhs parenting.

OP - you don't do your DH washing ?!

Whites, coloured, sports kit - who ever what ever whenever. That has shocked me

I do try to avoid the boys sports kit as much as possible - it is rank and if he takes them to rugby he puts washing on after they get back. And to be clear - the boys doing rugby are mine! He takes them to rugby 80% of the time and I take his girls to dance and sit in the warm and not freeze by butt off in the driving rain and wind by a rugby pitch!!

Nope, dss was an absolute nightmare with putting clean clothes back in the shared wash basket, after the third or fourth time of this I went a bit mad. Dh was a bit wishy washy and made out like it wasn't a big deal... so he got a washing basket for him and dss and I've never done their washing again! He also regularly moaned about missing socks, things not being washed when dss needed it so win win for me. Nacho kid nacho washing!

how old was dss?

@bogoffmda he was 7. I know it might sound odd to some that I don't do the washing but I have enough to do without re washing clean clothes.

@SnowWhitesSM how did you successfully disengage and 'nacho' from the ex if she is intend on causing issues? I let her get to me so much the issues she causes make me dread dsd coming as its inevitable that week we row - we row over 3 people the ex, dsd and his stepfather (abusive twat being sucked in by the ex wife and being abusive to me and DP!) and its always in the lead up to contact... It makes me dread it like I hate hate hate it. Reading the blog posts but that's mostly on the children wondered how you all manage to nacho the ex!

@Vie8126 I have tried my best to stop venting about it to friends and think of something nice to do for myself, my dc or all of us. The more I ring my friends or family and moan the bigger the issue is. When something happens and she starts I think to myself "not my ex, not my problem" and walk out the room. When dh moans to be about it I am trying to treat it like a work conversation where I listen but don't let it get to me. I don't offer solutions because then I will get frustrated that he doesn't take them up. I don't get emotionally involved. It's hard and I havent cracked it quite yet but I'm trying.

The biggest change I'm making is concentrating on myself. Seeing my friends more, chatting to my friends more, watching what I want on Netflix whilst dh is trying to work out the latest drama. It's not my problem. Dh could easily go to court and get his 50/50 that he already has so he doesn't have to put up with the shit that he gets, but he won't and I am learning to respect that he's not willing to do that and thats ok. I am changing my mindset and taking responsibility for making myself happy instead of getting emotionally involved.

I'm also learning to have more sympathy for his ex. I feel sorry for her that she is always so emotional (angry) about her lack of control in my house. It must be exhausting to always feel so put out that dh does things for me that he didn't do for her. Instead of letting her get between me and DH I concentrate on my marriage and family. I cannot control what she does to dss either but what I can control is how I am and what I do. So I have boundaries in place, I don't wash dss clothes, I don't enforce any house rules unless he's putting himself at harm (like climbing over the upstairs banister as my stairs don't go up straight and there's a drop) I cook food that everyone likes and don't react when he rates my food out of 10, I don't do mum things and I take myself off for lots of long hot baths so dss gets dh to himself. What I do do though is, make sure I'm welcoming, remind dh to pick up his lunchbox things, buy him a Friday night treat when I buy my own dc a treat and suggest weekend activities to do because dh is a bit rubbish with planning. Dh likes being out and going out but he gets easily distracted and ends up cleaning and sorting things leaving it too late to really do anything. I do this because A I hate being stuck in all weekend B dh is happier when we've all been out C dss sleeps better after fresh air which means we get dc free evenings!

@Carolinesyear

Had anyone had a listen to the podcast? I've listened to two so far and it quite surprised me how the step mums initially tried to take such a hands on role, for example cooking meals and actually caring about if their step children ate it or not. Caring about if their step children ate their veg and did well at school, helping with home schooling etc. Am I totally out of touch for genuinely not caring if they eat veg or do well at school? I've not had to make an effort to nacho, I think it's my natural default

I don't know why I care how DSS gets on at school. I think part of it for me is that he's the total opposite of me at school - I had high expectations put on me and was advanced for my age, would never have got away with not trying hard, whereas he is really behind for his age because he drags his feet massively, and constantly gets away with it. I think on some level I just find it really irritating how little effort he is allowed to put in (and then how much reward he gets for doing anything really small). It's a very frustrating thing to witness for me.

I do try not to get involved though. These are the kind of thoughts that make nacho parenting worthwhile! I don't have any control over it, so all it does is frustrate me.

Things I nacho’d from yesterday:

The youngest SD telling DP she’d brushed her teeth when I knew she hadn’t
The oldest SD openly cheating with her homework in front of me and bragging about it.
Oldest SD swearing and DP not picking her up on it.
Youngest SD being left unsupervised in the house for longer than I’d be comfortable with while DP did his jobs outside – I walked the dog - I’m not a bastard breakfast club every morning.

Uniforms clean enough to re-wear being screwed up on the floor – fine – I’ve removed the spares – they just had to wear them crumpled.
Same with pajamas – removed the spares – a 5 YO does not need new PJs every night. She can have them drip-fed as needed.
SD asking me to borrow my hairbrush as they’ve lost the second damned expensive tangle-teezer I’ve bought them now. Fine – but I’m not buying them another. Will buy poundshop brush and they can moan about it hurting their head.
I’ve removed my nice shampoo and conditioner from the bathroom they keep using loads of and hidden just for my use – replaced with supermarket brand.
Removed my towel from the bathroom (that they know is mine and keep using) and keep in bedroom – do not want to wipe my face on the same towel they’ve used to wipe their ass.
Hid my wellies in my car – every time I turn round older SD is wearing them – despite having her own nice pair and being told– because it takes 5 seconds more to find hers that have been put away since their last visit (after being discarded in the doorway as they fall).

That felt cathartic.

I’m not completely evil– I did take them to their grandmas with a present I’ve bought them to give her for her birthday, promised to take them trick-or-treating, made them tea. I found it easier to be nicer/less naggy/stressy with them as I chose to remove the problems and (try to) stop caring about certain things.

@SnowWhitesSM I need to take heed of what you said. I've read the websites you posted its all so true. Podcasts next up. I must stop venting to family and friends too feel like all I do is say guess what the ex has done now guess what dps stepdad is saying from the ex now or when we do have contact guess what dp did or dsd did. Its boring and time consuming and not good for my mental health.

DP has said think of how sad she must be to have to sit with her friends and call me pretending to be social services or thibk of untrue things to report. How her life will be what it is and we are better people both working towards a better life. I do try to keep this in mind but he does come to me with a lot of the drama and issues. I need to remind myself to listen and step back. He will ask me for advice on the ex and does tend to listen tbf so I do have that to also hold on to.

With dsd he sees the time she is here as family time and insists we do things together. My ds 16 does his own thing. My 12 dd doesn't want to do things that a 5 year old does that causes friction. Even things like her clothes it's always vie can you get dds clothes out for her I could just do that and step back and start trying to spend more time with my own dd in time.

@TwoBulletsFiveZombies ah I've had to mitigate stuff like using my dds bath things expensive perfume. She keeps them in her room, if he wants dsd to use stuff like that he has to buy it, dsd is not allowed in my dds room for example. We had a huge huge blow up once and only once over my daughters tangle teaser which nearly finished us. Said to dp then it's not dsd if you want her to have one buy her one. She has her own now. It is so frustrating if it continues ans they don't listen I'm glad you feel better for getting it of your chest. At the end of the day you wouldn't tolerate that behaviour from your own DC so you wouldn't accept if from step kids. Nothing evil about it.

[quote Vie8126]@SnowWhitesSM I need to take heed of what you said. I've read the websites you posted its all so true. Podcasts next up. I must stop venting to family and friends too feel like all I do is say guess what the ex has done now guess what dps stepdad is saying from the ex now or when we do have contact guess what dp did or dsd did. Its boring and time consuming and not good for my mental health.

DP has said think of how sad she must be to have to sit with her friends and call me pretending to be social services or thibk of untrue things to report. How her life will be what it is and we are better people both working towards a better life. I do try to keep this in mind but he does come to me with a lot of the drama and issues. I need to remind myself to listen and step back. He will ask me for advice on the ex and does tend to listen tbf so I do have that to also hold on to.

With dsd he sees the time she is here as family time and insists we do things together. My ds 16 does his own thing. My 12 dd doesn't want to do things that a 5 year old does that causes friction. Even things like her clothes it's always vie can you get dds clothes out for her I could just do that and step back and start trying to spend more time with my own dd in time.

@TwoBulletsFiveZombies ah I've had to mitigate stuff like using my dds bath things expensive perfume. She keeps them in her room, if he wants dsd to use stuff like that he has to buy it, dsd is not allowed in my dds room for example. We had a huge huge blow up once and only once over my daughters tangle teaser which nearly finished us. Said to dp then it's not dsd if you want her to have one buy her one. She has her own now. It is so frustrating if it continues ans they don't listen I'm glad you feel better for getting it of your chest. At the end of the day you wouldn't tolerate that behaviour from your own DC so you wouldn't accept if from step kids. Nothing evil about it.[/quote]
Thanks Vie, I think a lot of it is going to be putting systems in place so these things can't happen and hence can't annoy me. I'm trying to relax my standards about things too, like normally I'd get their room clean and tidy between each visit. Now I leave it a few visits before I do. I'm hanging clothes left on the floor back up on hangers for another wear, and folding/hanging things as they come out of the dryer/off the line without ironing them.

No-ones died yet.

Or noticed, for that matter..

Well done @TwoBulletsFiveZombies - although you could nacho their uniform and pjs if you weren't doing their washing .

@Vie8126 thats exactly like I was. My only topic of conversation with anyone was how awful it was to be a step mum! Now I'm feeling more and more like myself again. I'm not sure I could nacho the ss reports though. I'd be under investigation and could lose my job if that happened to me. I'd probably ask dh to move out and never bring dss round again!

I had been doing a good job of disengaging. I'd stepped away from the blender! I've been over trying for years and got precisely no where. As they are adults it's all ok. Got DP to do activities that don't involve me. Still was providing support to my youngest DSS but I had pretty much given up on the older 2. However their Mum is really being difficult and is kicking them out every weekend now. They all pay keep. This is supposed to include food. That's not happening. DP wants me to start Sunday lunches up again and for the youngest to eat with us on week nights. I'm happy for the youngest to come but the older 2 are hideous to me and I'd really enjoyed my step back. I think it's time they got their own places that they get to spend the weekend in. I do feel sorry for them as they all work hard all week and could just do with chilling out on the weekend.

@SnowWhitesSM so could I loose my job with it... I work in a school! Altho on mat leave I have managed to speak to my Head and my school social worker and explain the home situation should anything come their way. I'm open with my headteacher about the issues I'm facing and she is thankfully really understanding.

Yes every other week id be moaning to my friends about how shit the weekend ahead was going to be. Such a change as its also my weekend with my dc so I should look forward to it!!! Everyone is probably sick of hearing about it tbh.

@TwoBulletsFiveZombies my own dd leaves her room in a state when she goes to her dad's (or goes to school) she's almost 13 I very very rarely go in and do it for her so apply the same logic. Would you do it if they were yours? Probably not so don't worry about it. Very occasionally I will do her room and then she's told it was disgusting I've done her room and I expect it to stay that way.

Hows the Nacho-ing going? Dss hasn't been over as he's had covid so I've not really had to put it into practice for the last two weeks. He's back tomorrow and dh dad guilt was out in force on Sunday (we went out with my dc Saturday) but I just encouraged him to play xbox with dss and did my own thing.

@honeygriff could you say to dh that you'd love to do Sunday lunch every Sunday but you'll be to tired/busy/ect so could he take you all to the pub every Sunday for a roast instead. Bonus points if you mention it in front of dc and they turn round and also want to start going out for a roast. You aren't stopping him from getting what he wants and you're also not having to do any of the work involved. Then when/if you do ever fancy making a roast at home he will appreciate it so much more.

@Vie8126 how are you getting on with the not moaning? I went to my dms yesterday and didn't start moaning! Even when she asked me how it was going I started talking about our lovely day out Saturday instead.

@SnowWhitesSM I've had a tough week DP applied for the enforcement and to change the CAO so he can start seeing DSD again. I'm stressed about the ex having an influence into our lives and we've had several strong disagreements. We have finally found a common ground in that neither of us want to have contact with her and the compromise is contact centre for drop off on a Friday and we both go to hand back on the Sunday (armed with a dash cam to witness any abusive behaviour because it will literally be a matter of time) I don't went to go because well 'nacho' but to protect DP I will have to. Having to remember that I cannot control her actions but I can mine so focusing on that and being 'a better person' than tk let her bother me. Trying to remember that I hold the trump cards and will have dsd back with a smile. Now to wait for a court date and see what actually get agreed by a judge. I've told my best friend to ground me with these thoughts every time I voice note something about the ex. I am so glad you were able to nacho and that you had a great day out on Saturday!!!!

Thank you for the reply! I've done very badly! DSS all kicked out on weekend so fed all that turned up at ours. Was very blended. Their Mum has given up buying food which has become clear this week. I think the eldest two are ok to be independent. My middle DSS lived with me for several years and I did teach him how to cook. He has been cooking intermittently for his brothers. My youngest DSS is a type 1 diabetic and I feel this is all a bit much for him. He works a manual job. He's going to have breakfast at ours before work this week. My DP is going to take him food shopping & cook a meal with him. Think we are just going to bridge the independence gap until he's ready.

I'm feeling proper fed up after another contact night. Dragged my feet and got home at about half 6 hoping it would be late enough to not have to cook tea - no such luck, the DSDs were cooking it (fair enough) but unsupervised as DP was off out doing jobs (he works onsite). I just feel like he found someone else with a uterus to do it

This morning DP off out again - I left with the dog so as not to be used as breakfast club. The little one is taken to school 45 minutes after the big one leaves - DP off out doing jobs again and 5 year old left unsupervised in the house for 45 minutes. Looks like if I don't do it no-one will.

Pots from last night still piled up next to the sink. Laundry basket overflowing. They're due again on Friday - I'm making my excuses and not being here. Feeling sorry for myself and the kids and not sure I can keep doing this

@TwoBulletsFiveZombies

I'm feeling proper fed up after another contact night. Dragged my feet and got home at about half 6 hoping it would be late enough to not have to cook tea - no such luck, the DSDs were cooking it (fair enough) but unsupervised as DP was off out doing jobs (he works onsite). I just feel like he found someone else with a uterus to do it

This morning DP off out again - I left with the dog so as not to be used as breakfast club. The little one is taken to school 45 minutes after the big one leaves - DP off out doing jobs again and 5 year old left unsupervised in the house for 45 minutes. Looks like if I don't do it no-one will.

Pots from last night still piled up next to the sink. Laundry basket overflowing. They're due again on Friday - I'm making my excuses and not being here. Feeling sorry for myself and the kids and not sure I can keep doing this

I don't think I could live like that either @TwoBulletsFiveZombies How on earth can he justify leaving a 5 year old unsupervised for any length of time, let alone almost an hour.

@CornishGem1975 baffling isn't it. He used to rely on the older one to be there but she's started high school and leaves early now, so it's a relatively new development.

Suggested breakfast club a while ago and got shot down in flames. Apparently, he doesn't see them enough as it is so he's not farming them out when he does.

Erm....what does he think he's doing when he dumps them on me?

@TwoBulletsFiveZombies that's madness leaving a 5 year old?! How long have you had to put up with this? Do you think you can 'nacho' to deal with it or will it come to a head?

[quote Vie8126]@TwoBulletsFiveZombies that's madness leaving a 5 year old?! How long have you had to put up with this? Do you think you can 'nacho' to deal with it or will it come to a head?[/quote]
He's around - but outside the house. So if she had anything minor wrong she could go out to him but if she fell and really hurt herself he wouldn't know about it.

At the moment I don't know - I feel guilty and complicit by leaving too, I'd go mad if it was my child - but can't help it when I have to be out of the house to get to work and it shouldn't be my responsibility when I don't.

I try to do this but step son's behaviour impacts on my children's behaviour...he is older and my kids try and copy. It's driving me crazy and I don't know how to 1. stop the copying and 2. stop the fighting that results between my partner and I.

@Carolinesyear

I already do this, but with DH and I having a baby on the way I can imagine it will be harder to disengage. Anyone got tips on nachoing with an ours baby?

I really struggled with my H’s nonresident parenting after we had a baby. It was the simple fact that he just did not seem to care about how his parenting choices (and his children’s behaviour) affected everyone else. And particularly the profoundly negative effect it was having on the baby.

So I left. I could disengage from things and absent myself to a much greater degree when it was just me and my (older) children to consider. They could totally understand (and roll their eyes) that my SC behaved poorly and their dad let them, but that the rules were different for them. But there was just no way that ‘your daddy just lets his other children do that, but you can’t because it’s really naughty’ was going to work as a strategy for a young, shared child.

I have to say that, having left my H because of this, not dreading half of all my weekends is an enormous relief. It’s frustrating because his version of the story is that I’m an evil
SM and I left because I don’t accept his wonderful children. But I left because he doesn’t care enough about me or our child. He prioritises his choice to assuage his divorced dad guilt by allowing his children to behave in ways that fundamentally disrupt everyone else’s lives (and colluding with them to scapegoat me!) over his youngest child, me and our relationship. He’s just unwilling to take responsibility for the situation he has created.

Based on this, I’d suggest that it would be a very good idea to get yourself to a situation where you no longer feel the need to disengage and absent yourself before even considering a new baby.

I hadn’t realised that I had such a huge problem with his nonresident parenting until I was pregnant. In large part, that’s because his parenting and his attitude changed. The guilt ramped up, and the consequences of that mounted up. It didn’t settle down after the baby was born; it got worse, and it was hugely detrimental to my baby and me.

@Mamaoflittleangels

I try to do this but step son's behaviour impacts on my children's behaviour...he is older and my kids try and copy. It's driving me crazy and I don't know how to 1. stop the copying and 2. stop the fighting that results between my partner and I.

This is a big issue. You can try to ignore and not care … until it’s affecting your children.

I guess, if the children are not also your partner’s, you could go with some variation of assaying: ‘well, Tom is their dad. He lets them hit each other/whatever the behaviour is. I’m your mum; I expect much better behaviour from you’.

Politically, that is tricky with your partner. But sometimes honestly is the only possibility. If your partner isn’t part of your ‘team’ in terms of setting reasonable expectations for how children behave in your house, then he’s leaving you few other choices.