Disengaging, Nacho support thread

[SnowWhitesSM]

Hiya - anyone fancy a disengaging support thread?

Rules of disengaging - not your circus not your monkeys! The more I concentrate on good things in my life the more I don't care about the shit I cant control. There is still a bit of a target on my back as I'm not the greatest at disengaging, but I'm trying!

Helpful links I've found along the way -

blendedfamilyfrappe.com/about there is a survival guide download on this site that has saved my sanity.

Radical step mum on IG is also very helpful.

There's the Facebook Nacho-ing group, it's American based and there is also an academy for additional support. Advice is pretty good although there are obvious culture differences between UK and US step parenting.

jamiescrimgeour.com/uncategorized/when-should-a-stepmom-disengage-from-parenting/ another blogger that I've found a bit helpful.

If anyone wants to join in and has any other links to share that would be great!

What I'm trying to achieve by disengaging is to take the target off my back. So I don't say to DH argh the living rooms a mess and dss hasn't put anything away, I ask dh to tidy up the living room. He then sees its dss mess and tells him to tidy up or, if he chooses he tidies up himself and I'm not put out by it. This was dh can't get defensive and put his annoyance on me and I'm not the bad guy.

Some things you can't disengage from - my recent thread about positive lft is testament to that, but life has got easier since I've stepped back and found something else to concentrate on rather than be annoyed around dhs parenting.

Yes please, in desperate need of this thread!

2 SCs age 5 and 11 and fed up of feeling like the bad guy for nagging them to tidy up after themselves, not keep taking my stuff, stop trying to murder each other every 5 minutes. Fed up of DP dumping them on me out of nowhere to parent them - to the point that I make excuses to leave as often as possible while they're with us.

It's a damned shame - because I have/had a nice relationship with the kids and it's adversely affecting it. I'm stressed and resentful.

Will take a look at the links :)

Great!

Here's another link to the Nacho thing with the blog posts nachokids.com/blog/ they're not that detailed but they are fairly helpful. The survival guide has been my favourite advice so far.

This is also pertinent happysteps.co.uk/the-stepfamily-cycle

I also think about Tuckmans group stages and apply it to our family www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newLDR_86.htm and think thats its perfectly normal that we keep going back to storming as our family group is always forming, then mourning then forming again!

I already do this, but with DH and I having a baby on the way I can imagine it will be harder to disengage. Anyone got tips on nachoing with an ours baby?

@Carolinesyear

I already do this, but with DH and I having a baby on the way I can imagine it will be harder to disengage. Anyone got tips on nachoing with an ours baby?

No advice but this is one of my concerns too, as we would like an ours baby - but this is holding me back. It's easy enough now to disappear off out on a whim, much harder with a baby in tow.

Yes @TwoBulletsFiveZombies I don't mind so much when the DSC are here after school time and go to their mums for bed but it's all day every Sunday and every second Saturday night. I think I'm going to have to arrange some sort of baby thing to do on a Sunday, I have a friend who is about to have a baby (due very soon) so it might be I can escape to hers and do baby things... any suggestions on things to do with a baby on sundays would be much appreciated

Would it be rude to suggest to DH that he should do something with the kids every Sunday so it gives me at least a portion of the day to myself?

I wonder if you could find a club on a Sunday morning that sdc would be interested, ask dh if he thinks this would be a good club for sdc, they may get really excited about it and boom you get every Sunday morning to yourself!

@Carolinesyear I'd be worried about becoming the default childcare option too, because you'll be on mat leave and therefore "available". Do you currently do a lot of the workload/looking after for your SCs?

Can i join? Although we haven't seen dsd since June (a whole other load of info tbh about her high conflict mother and due to me having a baby) when we do have dsd I am dreading the Disney dad ING that will take place after so long of not seeing her and also how it's going to play out dynamics wise with the baby around now. DP is very hands on with the baby and a great help not sure how that will go down with a 6 year old whose likely being brain washed by her mother that she's been replaced and dp who doesn't like to discipline and let's her rule the roost. I defo need to disengage from all of it this could be a great help. @SnowWhitesSM thank you for the links I'll take a look now.

@Carolinesyear I've had to remind dp that I am currently in mat leave not to do with having dsd as we haven't had her since I started mat leave but in regards to having the CRO changed and he said 'well you can go and collect dsd as you're at home' yes only until May I am and then I will have 3 DC to get to 3 different places plus get to my own place of work so I can't also go 45 mins in the opposite direction to a 4th place when dsd mum doesn't work or have a baby. Keep strong on that one it's maternity leave to look after yourself and your baby and it goes so quick as it is.

I take on very few roles, DH makes them their tea, runs their bath, does all the pick up and drop offs. I obviously clean up after them as I like a tidy house and I inevitably do a lot of the washing but he's never asked me to do a thing. I suppose I'm a bit worried about that changing when the baby arrives. I'm going to try and stay strong and not offer to do extras, that way he always has to ask if he wants me to do something and it doesn't become my job. By the time my baby goes to school the step children will be 14 and 11 so hopefully I won't be roped into school runs as realistically they'll be old enough to walk to their mums or hang out with their friends etc

Disengaged three years ago, stumbled across it online and it has literally saved my sanity. I book yoga classes, lunches out and signed my DC up for morning clubs to get me out the house on SC weekends, and all the parenting is left to him; they can eat what they want (chocolate brownies for breakfast? Whatever! I’m not responsible for their teeth!) It’s not bliss, but I’m not anxious and on edge and angry like I used to be! DH hates picking up the slack, makes me realise how little he had been doing. And now they actually thank me for anything I do, unlike before.

Had a conversation with my DP last night, when he told me he felt 'lonely' sometimes with parenting (it's not an amicable split with his ex), for instance, I won't 'babysit' them if he wants to go out all day or night with his friends, they usually go to his parent's house. I have kids of my own, plus we have shared DC. I told him I wasn't being mean but they're not my problem, they have two parents, they don't need a third, and if he needs them looking after, he should ask their DM first.

@CornishGem1975 I've had this from my DP before when he wants to book private jobs or has work on contact weekends well why can't you take dsd with you as well... Well because I'm normally taking my 16 ds football and my 12 dd dancing plus was heavily pregnant at the time and working a full time job not my issue. He said I obviously didn't love dsd like my own. Even tho we haven't got contact atm he asked me yesterday do I love her like my own my answer of no I'm not her mum or dad so wouldn't have the same feelings didn't go down well. I would make dp as his mother to pick up babysitting duties and it's for him to facilitate that not me.

Hi @Vie8126 I've read some of your posts on the cafe thread, happy to hear that your dp is being a lovely hands on dad to your baby. Also I'm really impressed about him going back to court and standing up for himself. The disengaging will hopefully save your sanity when contact resumes.

@TicTacHoh I'm hoping I get to your level! How do you manage your dc wanting chocolate brownies for breakfast if sdc are?

@CornishGem1975 It comes across slightly manipulative to say that it's lonely for him!

@Vie8126 of course you won't love them like your own, I don't love my DSC on any level I don't think, maybe I will grow to love them but right now I think they are nice children and I'm kind to them but that's it, I've told him this right from day dot.
Me and my DH had a conversation about nature v nurture the other day and I asked him he'd love a child that wasn't his and he said he would if he had brought it up from a young age and this annoyed me a little as A, I feel it was a passive aggressive way at getting at me for not loving his kids and B, how would he know!!! I don't think he would personally but annoyingly he'll never be in that position. I asked him if I had a 3yo if he'd love it and he was like 'absolutely' and if he brought it up it would be like his own as he believes in nurture of nature. I didn't bring up the fact that his daughters spend more time with their step dad than him (he doesn't think highly of this man) so if his theory was played out his girls will take after stepdad over him.

@SnowWhitesSM

Hi *@Vie8126* I've read some of your posts on the cafe thread, happy to hear that your dp is being a lovely hands on dad to your baby. Also I'm really impressed about him going back to court and standing up for himself. The disengaging will hopefully save your sanity when contact resumes.

@TicTacHoh I'm hoping I get to your level! How do you manage your dc wanting chocolate brownies for breakfast if sdc are?

@CornishGem1975 It comes across slightly manipulative to say that it's lonely for him!

I have conversations with my DC in private in advance about what is healthy for your body, they know not to ask, DH will actually try to get them to have some (🤯) in order to make it look like it's not just his own (teenage) DC that are like this, but they generally refuse! They would never get this for breakfast any other day and understand that DSC do what they want but luckily my much younger DC look at this as if they are naughty rulebreakers and Father Christmas won't come to them, etc!

It's surprisingly easy once you start, OP, I found it easier to physically remove myself at the beginning, so that DH had no choice but to sort them all out.

Had anyone had a listen to the podcast? I've listened to two so far and it quite surprised me how the step mums initially tried to take such a hands on role, for example cooking meals and actually caring about if their step children ate it or not. Caring about if their step children ate their veg and did well at school, helping with home schooling etc. Am I totally out of touch for genuinely not caring if they eat veg or do well at school? I've not had to make an effort to nacho, I think it's my natural default

I know, it is manipulative. I think he has this dream that we will all be one big happy family, but I've always been honest with him. I think he hoped it would change over time. They're not bad kids but I really don't want to spend my free time looking after other people's kids when I have my own!

I suppose part of the question is - what does he do for your DCS especially if they are resident.
Do you go out and leave DCs with him or do you go and get a babysitter / alternate childcare.
Does he cook supper /help clean up after your DCS.

We had a very open conversation before DP moved in - 3DSCs- very clear ground rules set out. Does not always work but so far less resentment.

Have to say the separate cooking bit I have never understood - who ever is cooking supper in the house cooks for all regardless and that now includes eldest DSD who loves cooking and cooks for my DCs aswell

@CornishGem1975 men can be so naive to how women should behave towards children. I think you're absolutely doing the right thing by being honest. I do wonder if some women set themselves a trap, when first entering a relationship being so desperate to please that they lie to their partner and themselves about how much they want to take on, so eager to please they force themselves to love and go overboard on cooking cleaning and activities. Luckily I was never that desperate, in fact I actually grew to love my DH when we first started dating I wasn't that fussed by him haha so I think the position of power I had put us on the right path.

So I don't take on a lot - I don't wash dh or dss clothes, we have a cleaner, sometimes I cook sometimes dh cooks and that isn't dependent on which dc are where. I don't nacho mess very well and do tell dss to tidy his things away but I don't mind and dss doesn't mind. In some ways I have it relatively easy as the mental load for dss is on dh and if I ever ask dss to do something he does it. If he is rude to me dh has my back 99% of the time.

I need to nacho the caring about whether he brushes his teeth or eats veg or has to much screen time! He's not my dc so why do I care that he's had lots of fillings, has two gold teeth at 8 and still dh doesn't tell him to brush his teeth! I cant help but say dss have you brushed your teeth, it falls out of my mouth before I can stop it!

I also need to nacho other parts of dh parenting. He infuriates me how he gives in, doesn't stick to things because of dad guilt, asks him to get off his xbox and go to bed (he says its polite to ask rather then tell but then gets very annoyed when dss says no).

My nacho is disengaging from what I know would be best as actually I'm not his parent. That's what I have to force myself to do. I do realise that sounds quite controlling, I just find it so hard when I see where dh goes wrong. My dc are teens, I'm a children's SW, I know what dh is doing isn't right, I've ran parenting classes in a preventive role before, I'm not saying I'm an expert but I do know my shit when it comes to this and keeping my mouth shut and the look off my face is hard!

Oh and I also need to nacho dss dm too. She's an absolute nightmare but again it's not my ex and not my problem!

@bogoffmda

I suppose part of the question is - what does he do for your DCS especially if they are resident. Do you go out and leave DCs with him or do you go and get a babysitter / alternate childcare. Does he cook supper /help clean up after your DCS.

We had a very open conversation before DP moved in - 3DSCs- very clear ground rules set out. Does not always work but so far less resentment.

Have to say the separate cooking bit I have never understood - who ever is cooking supper in the house cooks for all regardless and that now includes eldest DSD who loves cooking and cooks for my DCs aswell

He cooks for them - I cook for mine and me and him...the only reason it is separate is because they are the fussiest eaters and I refuse to cook different meals for everyone. He will cook them both two different meals. I'm not playing that game!

@CornishGem1975 well done. You don't need that headache around food for sdc. Nacho kid nacho problem!