Disengaging, Nacho support thread

[SnowWhitesSM]

Hiya - anyone fancy a disengaging support thread?

Rules of disengaging - not your circus not your monkeys! The more I concentrate on good things in my life the more I don't care about the shit I cant control. There is still a bit of a target on my back as I'm not the greatest at disengaging, but I'm trying!

Helpful links I've found along the way -

blendedfamilyfrappe.com/about there is a survival guide download on this site that has saved my sanity.

Radical step mum on IG is also very helpful.

There's the Facebook Nacho-ing group, it's American based and there is also an academy for additional support. Advice is pretty good although there are obvious culture differences between UK and US step parenting.

jamiescrimgeour.com/uncategorized/when-should-a-stepmom-disengage-from-parenting/ another blogger that I've found a bit helpful.

If anyone wants to join in and has any other links to share that would be great!

What I'm trying to achieve by disengaging is to take the target off my back. So I don't say to DH argh the living rooms a mess and dss hasn't put anything away, I ask dh to tidy up the living room. He then sees its dss mess and tells him to tidy up or, if he chooses he tidies up himself and I'm not put out by it. This was dh can't get defensive and put his annoyance on me and I'm not the bad guy.

Some things you can't disengage from - my recent thread about positive lft is testament to that, but life has got easier since I've stepped back and found something else to concentrate on rather than be annoyed around dhs parenting.

I am done, done playing this game where I seem to be the only one who doesn't know the rules. I've had twenty years of this crap.

DH and DSD exclude me completely and then he rows with me because he says I am 'not involved', so I try to get involved and then they pull away. All telephone conversations and video calls take place behind closed doors. When I tried to disengage I was pulled back in. Got a Christmas present from DSD for the first time ever.

This week already I have been told that the venue for DSGC's birthday party cannot feed me because they don't do gluten free, which kinda says to me 'Don't bother coming.'

They are currently arranging a day out for the three of them on a day when they both know I cannot go with them. She suggested the day. I just know DH won't try to move it.

DSD is 33, DH is 69 and both of them should know better.

Jumping on if that's OK!

What are peopels thoughts around nachoing from one DSC but not another? Essentially I have 4 DSC. The eldest one, 16, is, if I may be so bold, an absolute nightmare. She is rude, belligerent, talks to everyone like absolute shit, and I disengaged about a year ago. We are civil but no more. This was after years and years of me trying, building a positive relationship, bending over backwards for her, being a positive influence in her life. My other 3 DSC I adore and we have a great relationship. I've sort of carved out a 'cool aunt' figure over the years and it works really well for us.

But DSD16 I just can't break. Tonight she has spoken to me in the most disgusting and rude way and I told her, which I have never done, that her attitude is not ok and I am sick of it.

Anyway, what are peoples thoughts of Nachoing from one and not the other? I know on paper it sounds awful but I don't want to sacrifice my lovely and positive relationship with my other DSC because of her and nor do I want to continue to flog a dead horse with DSD16.

@OrchardBlack

I wonder what my DSD10 will be like in a few years. I’ve been with their father since DSD was 4 and DSS was 6 and we get on great now, I suppose in a cool aunt-ish way. I was a shitbag as a teen, and have many regrets about the way I treated my DPs, though everything did pick back up into a great relationship when I grew tf up a bit 😐

Just to say that I might be loathe to back off too much, as she’ll probably be back iyswim. You’ll need/want(?) to be there when she is? And are the other SC heading rapidly for hormonal teen-hell too? It’ll be one after the other! Better to ride this wave so you can balance the next several? Those are my thought. Good luck!

I just feel done in tonight. Tired of the dramas, the constant issues and stupid arguments between my DP and his ex, the assumptions that my free time should be spent with my DP and his kids like I’m some f*king fairy godmother, the general ‘woe is me’ / dad of the year attitude from a man who gets HALF of his time to do whatever the hell he likes (I have my DS full time and just bloody get on with it). The constant questioning of myself on whether moving in together and blending two families is going to work or whether to cut and run. It’s so bloody hard and draining. I check the Step Parenting thread each night and I honestly feel like it’s such a source of support. It’s nice to know other people completely get what this set up is like. None of my friends are in this situation. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of making a decision that either gives me everything I wanted (a loving family home with a great DP) or the worst thing I could ever do. What if I can’t cope with three kids in the house, what if I don’t like it? What if I miss my own home and independence and the peaceful life my DP and I have in our little bubble. What if I get taken for granted and inadvertently become the childcare? Has anyone been in this situation where it’s kind of got to the point - move in together…or split up? I wouldn’t want to continue on living separately forever because of the constant bag packing and financial stress of both paying for two homes that we don’t get to enjoy. Also I definitely won’t be having any more kids so that’s not an issue, I’d rather walk around with a nail in my foot than be tied to another bloke for life after the sht show my DS’s dad put me through 😅

@Savannah80 don't do it would be my advice. I left 6 months ago and I've become happier and happier ever since. I loved, really love and still love exh, but the stress his stress brought to me was not worth it. Stress and unhappiness is contagious, stay clear of it. Don't put you and your ds in this position.

Tell your dp to get his shit sorted, his drama sorted and his boundaries rock hard before you take the plunge, and keep your house on for a good 6 months so you can escape home if it doesn't work.

Oh @Savannah80 i can see why you’re so torn.

I’d say that your warning systems are definitely in place here. Making a stepfamily work is hard. So hard. Hard enough if you have partner who has learned to accept his situation and views neither himself nor his children as ‘victims’. And who has properly stepped up to his responsibilities.

the woe is me/superdad Jekyll and Hyde NR father thing is SO hard to live with. It sucks the joy out of everything and, actually, makes you resent the superdad phases. it’s also so easy for you to become the handy villain. Even more so when they can (and will!) pull the ‘you live with your child all the time’ thing on you.

You have clearly already realised that you need to have absolutely rock solid boundaries in place. Most of us realise this too late and then we’re treated like we’re being nasty for saying ‘actually they’re not my kids; I don’t have to do it’. if you are going to move in together, you would do well to clearly write down and agree roles, responsibilities and boundaries with him. That will surface any potential issues where he’s assuming that you’ll pick up the wifework!

I think that living apart together can be a great model for stepfamilies. But my experience is that some men can be really against it because they don’t see it as having time and space to parent their own children; they see it as not getting their entitlement to woman as nanny/housekeeper. They’d never admit to this (even to themselves) but the patriarchal attitudes are often very deeply ingrained and such a core part of men that they just can’t see a woman having boundaries as anything but her being horrible.

i say men, but many of the responses you see on here clearly show that both sexes often hold deeply patriarchal values they just aren’t willing to acknowledge. Evil SMs are generally those who challenge patriarchal norms by having their own boundaries or expecting men to parent their own children.