Disengaging, Nacho support thread

[SnowWhitesSM]

Hiya - anyone fancy a disengaging support thread?

Rules of disengaging - not your circus not your monkeys! The more I concentrate on good things in my life the more I don't care about the shit I cant control. There is still a bit of a target on my back as I'm not the greatest at disengaging, but I'm trying!

Helpful links I've found along the way -

blendedfamilyfrappe.com/about there is a survival guide download on this site that has saved my sanity.

Radical step mum on IG is also very helpful.

There's the Facebook Nacho-ing group, it's American based and there is also an academy for additional support. Advice is pretty good although there are obvious culture differences between UK and US step parenting.

jamiescrimgeour.com/uncategorized/when-should-a-stepmom-disengage-from-parenting/ another blogger that I've found a bit helpful.

If anyone wants to join in and has any other links to share that would be great!

What I'm trying to achieve by disengaging is to take the target off my back. So I don't say to DH argh the living rooms a mess and dss hasn't put anything away, I ask dh to tidy up the living room. He then sees its dss mess and tells him to tidy up or, if he chooses he tidies up himself and I'm not put out by it. This was dh can't get defensive and put his annoyance on me and I'm not the bad guy.

Some things you can't disengage from - my recent thread about positive lft is testament to that, but life has got easier since I've stepped back and found something else to concentrate on rather than be annoyed around dhs parenting.

@BadlyFormedQuestion your post is my nightmare. We haven't seen dsd which when we do is going to majorly ramp up the Disney dad stuff and I'm worried now we have the baby the effect it will have on him. For example I used the ipad for white noise and he said well use your phone because when dsd comes she has the ipad in bed... Well how is that fair on both children?! It's such a small and petty example but without seeing dsd it's all I have but shows that she trumps all. My own children it's not so hard don't get me wrong my daughter gets pissed off with it when he and I are so hot on the house rules.... Until dsd is here and she can break them. My dd is almost 13 so I can say to her why he does it, she doesn't get it as at her dad's she is treated the same as the resident child there. I feel that now we have ds it's even more unfair and we will have even more arguments in due course once contact starts.

Like you, anything I say about is met with 'what is your issue with dsd' 'why do you dislike dsd so much' she's 5 I don't dislike her. I dislike the way he is. He doesn't get it. Will he ever get it? I doubt it.

I dread the weekends even though we aren't having contact as means we have to put up with the exs bullshit. I've never dreaded stuff so much tbh. It's actually my weekend with my older children so i should look forward to it.

Trying to embrace the nacho... Bought it up with dp and said ill be around the first weekend dsd comes as we haven't seen her for so long and she hasn't met the baby but that mentally for my own good I need to step back from it all and will therefore doing my own things at the weekend with my own dd or the baby etc. He met thay with but we're a family we do family things. I'm going to have to mentally disengage but still be present, is that even possible? I am terribly close to walking away if I'm honest. The constant drama from ex is draining me (she isn't my problem I know but I see it effecting me and one day effecting ds with the comments dsd comes out with) she isn't my problem I can walk away it will never get better. That's where I am at and as I said that's with 3 months of no contact with dsd and with our own child barely 3 months old! It's sad.

@Vie8126 you need to step back, I'm not sure why he can't see it. I'm sure you've framed it to him in multiple ways and about it being better for dsd to have one to one time and I'm not sure why he won't take that on board. My dh can be a bit like that but doesn't actually stop me.

Can you do a bit of both? Can you (I know it's not strictly nacho) get excited about some event or outing to do with dsd and book tickets for you all for one day and explain to dp that your dc need your full attention another day and book something just for you guys?

We've got contact weekend today till Monday. I've planned on working over time Saturday (dh will complain but oh well) a meal out with friends Saturday night and dc have plans with their friends Sunday so I'll suggest he takes dss out so he doesn't feel left out by my dc going out. Any hint of my dc getting something that dss doesn't get usually spurs him on to action.

@SnowWhitesSM I don't even know when we will see dsd due to her mum's behaviour of denying contact. He is waiting to hear from the family court for a date for enforcement of CAO and the amendment so unable to do anything until we're back on a strict schedule of contact as who knows when ex will let him have dsd. The anticipation and the drama leading up to the contact weekends atm is hell and getting worse and worse.

We only have one car too which proves difficult however my ds is 17 next month and is getting a car which I can use so that solves that one as I'm guessing we won't have contact by then. All I hear about is dsd the ex the court the divorce the contact etc. I've had to say please dp can we just have a day without this as it feels torturous. I feel mentally drained by it. I said about the tickets said when dsd comes let's get tickets to see something so will see.

I hope you have a lovely meal out with friends. Its horrible to feel like you'd rather be out than in your own home. Always funny how that spurs them on isn't it, the thought that their children may just be missing out. Does he know you do it to be out of the house because of the dsc?

@honeygriff that sounds tough. What can you do to make sure you look after yourself?

I think my biggest lesson in step parenting is that we have to put our needs first with ourselves. No one else is going to make sure we're OK. Our happiness is paramount and we need to guard it. It sounds selfish, especially if we gravitate towards being a nurturing care giver, but we cannot pour from our own cups if they're empty.

For me I'm still trying to figure out what I need for my self care. It's definitely friends, days out with my dc, exercise and music. When I make sure I get those 4 things I'm a lot more me.

@Vie8126 mate I bet you're absolutely exhausted emotionally, especially with having a baby on top of it all. I'm not sure how you can even stop dp dumping his emotions on you either.

He doesn't know I'm doing this to get out the house because of dss. I don't think I could say that in a way where he wouldn't be offended. It's also hard as dss would much rather we all be together and doesn't want to do one on one things with dh apart from xbox. I'm just planning how I can have a nice weekend and making sure I put myself first.

I can't stand dh parenting. I actually like dss and when he's here without dh he's absolutely lovely. I get out the house to escape dh parenting rather than dss. I also hate hate hate doing things with dss but without my dc. I feel like an outsider and it's never got better. Dss is a sensitive child, if we went to the park he wouldn't start playing and make friends like my dc used to do. No dh has to play with him the whole time, whereas when I used to take my dc to the park I'd usually meet a friend and have a coffee while they played. It's helicopter parenting at its finest when we go out. That's why I don't do it anymore! I was fed up of feeling annoyed all the time. Now what I don't see doesn't matter.

He met thay with but we're a family we do family things. I'm going to have to mentally disengage but still be present, is that even possible? I am terribly close to walking away if I'm honest. The constant drama from ex is draining me (she isn't my problem I know but I see it effecting me and one day effecting ds with the comments dsd comes out with) she isn't my problem I can walk away it will never get better. That's where I am at and as I said that's with 3 months of no contact with dsd and with our own child barely 3 months old! It's sad.

You sound like you are in a similar place to where I was. It’s just intolerable.

I had all the ‘we are a family’ shit. But we were not a family. He never acted like that. He wanted me to be his unpaid and poorly treated nanny and housekeeper and for the entire world to revolve around whatever made him feel best about his status as a nonresident father. We were never a team - we’d agree things and then he’d undermine me and blame me (making it clear to his children that I was the ‘bad guy’). He’d collude against me with his mother, his ex, his children in so many ways. He’d try to marginalise my children.

It was all bollocks.

The event that seemed to precipitate him going full Disney dad bullshit was just ex denying him contact (so she could maximise maintenance). After that point, there was absolutely no hope for our relationship. In hindsight, I wish I had told him to get his baggage in reasonable order and left at that point (while I was pregnant). What happened was that I stayed and the experience was utterly traumatic. It almost destroyed me.

If I’m honest, I DO dislike his children at this point. My experience of them has been that they just aren’t very nice. But it’s because of him. He made them into instruments with which to torture me. He let them behave dreadfully. He allowed them to treat me poorly. He allowed (and encouraged) behaviour that made everyone in the house miserable. I tried really hard and could have had a lovely relationship with them. But he (and his ex and his mother) did all they could to make that impossible.

It’s easy for him to paint me as the evil SM who hates his children. But in doing so he utterly fails to take responsibility for his choices and actions. He’s like all the fathers in those evil SM tales - if he were a decent father and partner, then the situation would never arise in the first place.

@SnowWhitesSM well let me give you a further example of what its been like.... So I was induced with our baby and always knew this would happen on due date. Which was his contact weekend. His mum said 5 months in advance (in all honesty she is a whole other thread - she refused to engage with me or dp the entirety of my pregnancy and actually blocked us both so we could not communicate and now his here all is fine and she comes round weekly and I have to sit and smile and not question why the fuck she treated us so appallingly...) anyhoo she said she wouldn't have dsd my mum couldn't due to the contact with the ex and not wanting to get involved or being an agreeable person by ex for handovers etc. I was having sweeps from 38 weeks. DP for very involved in what I could do to start to labour myself I thought oh he is very invested and excited. Until 6 days before I was due to be induced and he came out with a comment like 'well your not doing much to help yourself go into labour so I guess I'm going to have to cancel contact this weekend or do you think you might go into labour before Sat?' and it become very apparent it was to not upset contact and was not about me at all. 3 days before induction the hospital called me and said I could go in for monitoring and not have the induction to buy myself a few more days if I wanted. I did very much want. That, went down like a lead balloon and queue a huge row about why would I do that when he had already cancelled contact and clearly I didn't want him to see his dsd. The night before the induction dp tried an olive branch with his mother and her partner and we got a shit tonne of verbal abuse back from her partner attacking him and being completely vile. Queue another huge row about why would he even bother esp the night before and then still insist to me that our son should have a relationship with his mother's partner after he has screamed at me on the phone and been vile to my DP - I don't think so.

Or like last night when I'm talking to dd about her eyes and we were discussing something I'd seen which said lockdown saw an increase in screen time for young children and in turn has increased eye problems.... When my dd had gone to bed dp says 'why was you digging me out at dinner over allowing dsd the ipad to fall asleep with and saying I don't limit her screen time' you see everything I say turns into something about dsd.

So.... There is so so much more I could say. I've had the malicious social services calls since ds is here. Every other week there is the drama with the ex as she is refusing contact he is rowing with his stepfather, being a moody shit for me and ds moping for not seeing dsd again. He hasn't been able to take pat leave because we'll we can't afford it with the thousands and thousands in solicitors bills for the divorce that are ramping up. This is why I am meantlly at a point that I cannot continue. I'm not sure nacho will even be an option I think we might be too far past that point. I am mentally done.

In the last ooh 11 weeks I've had a baby, had my sons GCSE results, college applications, dd start year 8 and all the drama that comes with teenage girls and me dd and the baby had covid which resulted in the baby being blue lighted into A&E. I've done all the night feeds, all the running around the one car thing means I get up at 5 take dp to the station with baby in tow get back feed and change him go back out at 7 to take dd to the station for school back home then at 8. Back out for dp early afternoon then back out at 4 to get dd. It's all relentless.

Ofc it's the parenting you are avoiding nothing worse than having to witness piss poor parenting on the reg. It's nice that dss likes spending family time with you all although I guess that makes it difficult if you are trying to be away from the house!

I didn't even know this was a thing, but boy do I need it! Twenty years of being stuck between the ultimate Guilty Father and an SD who has never been anything but passive aggressive or openly hostile to me. DH has tried to talk to her about treating me politely, if nothing else, but she always turns on the waterworks and he ends up apologising to her! How could he be so cruel?

The bottom line is that SD does not speak to me, basically ignores me, has never started a conversation with me - ever, gaslights me via DH, will not eat food I have prepared or drink a cup of tea that I have made and constantly tries to undermine mine and DH's relationship. At the moment she is sending him links to Rightmove so he can see how much more house he would get for his money if he moved 300 miles to live near her!

I also need to disengage from her DC. As my DC have chosen not to have DC themselves, they were my only chance to take a GP role, but this is not going to happen.

It's difficult when I have tried so hard, but my health is starting to suffer and it needs to be done. Thank you OP for alerting me to a possible way out.

@BadlyFormedQuestion your situations sounds so achingly familiar to mine. Do you feel at peace now?

I'm not sure how much longer I can tolerate the intolerable. We have a no screens rule at the table - I have teenagers it's so important to me that they put them down and we eat and discuss our day. Dsd can only eat with ipad so she brings the ipad to the table and I glare at dp (a breach of this rule would create merry hell from my own dd who in turn is glaring at me like mum she has the ipad come on) he says to dsd vie says no screens at the table. She throws a tantrum refuses her dinner storms upstairs. I say to dp leave her she will soon come down when she hears everyone having a nice time and that she is left out (something I would do with my own children - this is a statement that I have to use on the regularly to make out that I'm not jusy the evil stepmother but being consistent in my views - another thing that is exhausting) he doesn't does he. He goes upstairs and sits with her etc. We have a no food in bedroom rule.... I have teens lol then at bedtime he is behind the door whispering holding the door shut so I push the door and he has snuck food in her room for her to eat with a 'don't tell vie it's a secret'. Another year because he agreed to a 2pm Xmas day drop off to her mothers but also wanted Xmas Dinner with her I broke my back cooking dinner for 12 people so we could sit down at 12 so he had dinner with her before she went to her mums. She threw a strop about sitting at the table refused the food and stormed to her room where he went and sat with her and didn't even join everyone for dinner. His mum, stepdad said they had best take her home early as she was over tired and after an hour of his mother his stepdad and him in her room trying to sweet talk her round whilst me my children and parents ate dinner by ourselves. I can't deal with it anymore. I could go on and on with examples all very much the same all probably very familiar as you are I the same situation or was.

It is not the children's faults but they will turn into entitled adults. Sometimes they aren't very nice and they do actually know better. It's such a thankless job. I can honestly say if I had had a crystal ball at the start and new the drama his ex would continue to maintain I would have ran screaming a million miles away. I looked at it like well she won't always be like that. She will. As the child gets older unfortunately the parental alienation will kick in and it will get worse!

@Vie8126 your situation really resonates with me. Even all the drama and bullshit around your SD leading up to the birth and you ending up with no support and all the responsibility. And the utterly awful MIL too.

I am doing a lot better for having left. It is a huge relief to never have to see his other children (and experience his parenting of them) ever again, frankly. I can have a nice, calm house and not feel the need to run away and hide every second weekend. Or feel under siege and like I cannot protect my children from this crap.

It’s difficult because I’m having to deal with him and negotiate contact with the baby. Plus I know what he’s like as a nonresident father and in relation to his other children. So that is a big worry in relation to the baby - both the baby being exposed to his half siblings with no one who’ll actually protect him and also him being subject to his father’s nonresident parenting. It’s not good.

My H is currently threatening to move 3 hours away. Sadly he won’t do it. It’s just more of the usual sound and fury. I wish he would move. It would make my life so much better.

This is why I am meantlly at a point that I cannot continue. I'm not sure nacho will even be an option I think we might be too far past that point. I am mentally done

I think this says it all really.

Nacho cannot save this. In fact, having tried it myself in similarly dire circumstances, it just leads to enormous resentment.

What you need is for your partner to deal with his shit and start thinking about how all of this is affecting you and the baby. But it doesn’t sound like he can or will.

My H sometimes still keeps complaining that I wasn’t patient enough and wouldn’t wait for him to get over the failure of his first family. But I should never have been expected to deal with that at all. He should have done all the work he needed to sort his shit out before even considering meeting someone else. That’s what I did.

It’s not ok that I was collateral damage from the unresolved issues in his life. Not that the baby was either. Ironically, his refusal to get over his failed first family means he now has 2 failed marriages and 2 ‘broken families’. He could have managed to build himself a really lovely family and had his other children included in that when they came to stay. But our marriage and our family never stood a chance because he wasn’t willing to give it one.

Your partner’s ex is his issue. His problems with contact are not your problem. What is your problem is the way in which he has let you down. Enormously. When it really mattered. And he continues to do so. Fixating on the contact issues or his ex is just his way of avoiding responsibility for the problems he’s creating now.

@BadlyFormedQuestion how old is the baby? I haven't left because I dread tk think what would happen to ds when contact eventually arises with dsd. Before he was here and we was having contact dsd wanted ds to have a dummy and I said he won't have a dummy dps like well why dsd wants him to have one - because it's not her child maybe?! I wouldn't trust her or him with her and ds. How do you manage contact and your feelings around his parenting and the issues with the other children?

He wants me to be involved but doesn't want me involved I'm to be involved for picking clothes and doing hair and to be here for him to sound off but to keep my mouth shut and allow him to do everything how he wants to do it but also not have an opinion or allow my children to be pissed off by the disparity in rules and put dsd on the golden pedestal. Put up with mil treating me and everyone like crap then welcome her with a smile and not question it or share my opinion on it because it's not my mum. But allow dp to parent and discipline my kids and have opinions on all because well thats how it seems to be. It's absolute bullshit.

The baby is 14 months. I left when he was 11 months. I had been staying for much the same reasons as you. But it became completely intolerable and I had to go.

I do worry so much about contact with his half siblings and his father’s ridiculous priorities and choices. But I couldn’t live like that.

Ultimately, I decided that I cannot control that. What I can do is have him with me the majority of the time and ensure that he is treated well and develops good behaviour and values in that time. I’ll just have to deal with the fall out as he encounters the awful values H and his ex encourage in their children, and he experiences reluctant Disney dad behaviour (reluctant in that he’d much rather be leaving the kids with someone else while he does things he likes doing, but decides he’ll just spoil them to avoid having to feel bad about that).

Unfortunately I chose to have a child with this nightmare of a man. So I’ll have to deal with the consequences of that the best I can. I can do that much more effectively when my home is my own safe space.

[quote SnowWhitesSM]@honeygriff that sounds tough. What can you do to make sure you look after yourself?

I think my biggest lesson in step parenting is that we have to put our needs first with ourselves. No one else is going to make sure we're OK. Our happiness is paramount and we need to guard it. It sounds selfish, especially if we gravitate towards being a nurturing care giver, but we cannot pour from our own cups if they're empty.

For me I'm still trying to figure out what I need for my self care. It's definitely friends, days out with my dc, exercise and music. When I make sure I get those 4 things I'm a lot more me.[/quote]
Thank you for your reply! I'm good with having my youngest DSS around. He's a good kid and if my spider senses are right he's about to have a broken heart bless him! This will mean more clubbing and coming in @ 3am and terrorising my house plants! I'm angry that their Mum is crappy and that leaves me no choice so I have had to parent. I did so well with my disengaging but DP's ex has been so appalling lately she's forced me back to the blender! I think it's the fact that she is treating her adult kids unfairly that is the tough bit. DP says she's hideous but how do you get that much control over your (large,male,adult) kids? My DD's would laugh in my face if I tried to kick them out for the weekend. I'm off out for a celebratory meal with my friends tonight so feeling happy!

@BadlyFormedQuestion I don't blame you. Baby will know no different. I'm not scared of single parenting as I did it with 3 small children for a very long time and managed just fine. I know dp would make co-parentinf difficult. This last week I've had several complete meltdowns over everything that's happened. Anything in the past he doesn't see as an issue 'it's done with now vie' Ultimately the issue is that I don't trust him to go to court and make arrangements that suit anyone but him, the ex and their dd and our family will be expected to put up and shut up until it doesn't suit him anymore. It's outside of my control though. Mentally I'm at the end of what I can deal with. Accumulative things has done my head in. I have said to dp that I cannot control anything other than removing myself from a situation. He says it's very dramatic to finish and walk away over nothing. He doesn't get it. Never will because I do not put him in that position. Whatever is raised there is always some tit for tat comment about my DC or family.

I am glad you are happier I really am. Noone deserves to have to go through this. Your baby will be happier too. It is not your fault that your H wasn't over his first relationship he should have addressed those issues before embarking on a serious relationship with you. You did not have to grant him time or any of the other bullshit that's being misdirected he should just take responsibility.

I have said to DP if he doesn't stop and start listening and just consider us then he will be also be making arrangements with me for contact with ds as I cannot keep taking this bullshit and being silenced on it. He needs to see his dsd ofc he does but she does not trump any of the children in the house they are all equal. If he continues with his behaviour then I will be leaving. He can't say he hasn't been warned.

Morning happy campers

I don't want to sound preachy, but nacho. Nacho the custody shit @Vie8126 it's not your problem. It doesn't matter what custody arrangement he tries to get, he will probably end up with the status quo of what it was before. None of it is your problem, if he wants the ipad for dsd then give the baby to him to put to sleep - say it nicely when it happens, dp I'm really struggling to get baby to sleep can you take over and help, give him the baby and say you're going to the shop for calpol or whatever emergency item you can think of. Nacho it and let him deal with the inconvenience without you becoming the target.

I do understand the losing respect and love out your marriage. When never being considered goes sideways for the P/H. Dad guilt with shit boundaries has a lot to answer for. If your marriage is going to fail it's going to fail whatever you do, but if you create a life for yourself, keep yourself happy and do your wanky named self care then you've got a support network and coping strategies to get you through it.

Funny thing I've noticed from disengaging, the more I want to do things by myself or just me and my dc the more dh wants me to be involved with family days out and doing things. When we first got married all I wanted to do was create our happy family and do things together, now I'm the opposite he does all he can to include me in everything.

@SnowWhitesSM absolutely that's what is needed that why I joined. I just feel that too much love and respect have been lost from the shitty behaviour which has impacted on me and his allowed it to almost encouraged it too in a way to aide his mental health. I feel different. The boundaries have been blurred as he wants me involved he wants my opinion he wants my help to solve the issues because of being 'a family' or a 'team' however what's happened is I have then taken on the brunt of feelings about it all. To be asked for a opinion and for help then when you give it to be told its worthless as it isn't your problem and to but out when I'm hormonal from being post partum, been poorly, had a lot of my own shit to deal with is rather cruel and has affected my mental health. I've actually told him you say I need to step back that's fine I'll step back but that's equally not the right answer as he keeps pulling me back into it. He thinks so little of my mental health at this time to play these games with me mentally which is why I also think nacho isn't going to work. I am fully embracing the nacho and want it to work for everyone's sake. I just don't need to keep being pulled back into the games of support and opinions to then be told its not wanted. The issues are now way bigger then disengaging.

Wow this thread is why I didn't have dc with my exh...
He was a shite df... His ex was a complete bitch and the best day of our marriage was the one I threw him out. Knowing I never had to deal with his dc and ex was better than the wedding day.... His ex wouldn't allow their dd to be a bm. Sent her in Ott bridesmaid outfit then complained that she was the odd one out in the photos!!
Hands up to you all for hanging on in there....
The relief was tremendous - I def recommend it ladies!!

@Vie8126 I get it mate. It's all consuming and these stresses have taken over your life and are in your head. But honestly nacho is working for me and although I didnt and won't have a baby with dh so I don't have that additional stress factor, I was all consumed. My work took a nose dive, I was miserable, I used to drive home thinking if my car just crashed my head would feel free. I posted on MN under various names and was always told to LTB. But I've almost found peace. DH didnt like the nacho, he still doesn't but I've not got the target on my back for the most part and I'm finding happiness again. Not saying it's perfect as it's far from perfect but I'm where I choose to be and I'm in control of that.

@Brollywasntneededafterall you made the best decision for you, I'm glad you feel happy again!

@SnowWhitesSM exactly that your words hit it on the head. I am nachoing away!!! Because the alternative is leave and I don't want that for ds or for us. Because ultimately without the bullshit we are good! And that you've found peace from being in such a bad place with it is promising for me and great to hear so thanks for sharing that.

I'm a bit late to the party but pleeeeeeease can I join? I have a 7 year old SS and he's genuinely a lovely lad, his mum can be another matter at times! I am happy to cook for him, wash clothes etc so I'm not as hard-core as some of you but I absolutely understand why you have taken the stance you have! Anyway back to SS, when his mum is reasonable we all get on fantastically it all goes to shit when she's on one. My DH can't seem to say no to her demands so I have taken myself out the equation! Currently having a lovely bath while DH and SS are downstairs, I discovered last night he had been watching videos about Squid Game on YouTube, told DH and left it for him to sort. A few weeks ago this would have really bugged me and I would have made sure firm words were had but you know what? Not my circus, not my monkeys 🤷‍♀️.

Trying to really get into the nachoing and it's helping so much! I will have a good read of the rest of your posts on my day off tomorrow. I hope you all have a successfully nacho'd weekend and I'm sure I will be back with some tales while I do my best to keep it up!

Got my nacho brownie points this morning 🙌 dh took dss to do his communion (dh and dss dm got dss into a Catholic school by going to church every Sunday and pretending to be Catholic, something I really don't agree with). The priest refused to do dss holy communion this morning as they stopped going to church once dss got into the school. Instead of making a comment to dh that I wanted to say (fair play to father X) I said - ah bet that's so annoying that you guys got up and went out early. I'm not the bad guy and I would have been the bad guy if I said what I wanted to say.

Honestly it's very hard for me to keep my mouth shut so I'm very impressed with myself.

@Ohshittt yes come and join the nacho party 🥳

I have tried my best to stop venting about it to friends and think of something nice to do for myself, my dc or all of us. The more I ring my friends or family and moan the bigger the issue is.

@SnowWhitesSM this is such great advice and I've been applying it this week since I read your post... I just realised I was letting this dreadful woman live rent free in my head! So far, so good - it's really helping consciously stepping away when I'm tempted to ruminate. So thank you!

Hi fellow nacho lovelies! Just had a very unwanted visit from eldest DSS now drinking wine as feel so cross. Was finally managing to give my youngest DD some one on one time and all had to be abandoned for the man child as DP was out! Today's digs from his mother were based on the fact he thinks his father has extreme learning difficulties. Was quite surprised when I told him DP is one of the cleverest people I know. Where does she get this crap? Still she's on a downer after last weekends excess and is shockingly cooking actual food. A great fuss is to be made over this rare event and my Youngest DSS has exited stage left and is currently in our local spoons! This has made her unhappy and it's my fault for turning them against roast dinners apparently! It's her mothers birthday this week and I think she is trying to present a united front to her family. As DSS were feeling very hard done by last weekend. Which is why they've not been thrown out this weekend and why she's cooked actual food. Still it's nice not having to cater for the masses today. Good to know it's all my fault though I'll keep up my good works!

Well done @SnowWhitesSM that sounds like it was much easier on both you and DH, exactly what nachoing is all about.
I'm struggling at the moment as DH works away 3 or 4 nights a week, comes back with loads of dirty washing and obviously has to cram in all the contact with his kids during this time too, so our time alone is really limited, this morning I wonder why I even bother, what do I get out of this, lonely 50% of the week and the other half chaos with kids and mess. To top it off I'm 4 months pregnant.
Yesterday we went to the beach with DSDs and one of them was asking about baby names and when I said DH had suggested Eleanor the eldest one piped up ' that's what I was going to be named'
Am I being irrational for feeling angry about this? That DH. Suggested a name that he and his ex were thinking of calling their child? Anyway I voiced my upset and DH is backing down on the whole having an opinion on names which suits me down to the ground as I really don't like many of his suggestions and if I can turn this to my advantage I will!