How much do I owe his kids?

[hilfehilfehilfe]

I am 26. My partner is 32. He earns more than I do but not loads. We have been together since summer 2019. Was not the OW. He has 3 kids from his marriage and they are 5, 7 and 8. I met them Dec 20. I love him a lot but I am starting to feel trapped and unhappy and worried that this is just how my life is going to be forever now. DP is great, thoughtful, supportive and absolutely adores me.

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce. They never communicate so they would have to be very serious for DP to even have heard of his existence. He has done very little research about divorce and is overall just concerned about not being able to afford it. I am unhappy and ashamed of this and have told him so.

He has a large amount of debt (~£15k) that he is paying off in the agreed installments. He has done no research or work to look into paying this off faster.

He doesn't parent as I would want to. I do not want children so this is not as big an issue as it might be. I think he wants a blended family with me taking on more of a step mum role. I feel they have an amazing mum already and him, they do not need a third parent and I am just a nice, safe adult they know well. He resents my attitude on this.

I own and pay for our house entirely by myself. His contribution is he buys 2/3s(ish) of our groceries as he is meant to be clearing his debt. He is currently in a good financial position (i.e. not going into his overdraft each month and living within his paycheque but not able to save etc.). We moved in together into this house May 21. I resent that I bought this house and pay for it alone in order to protect myself in the event of the relationship not working out - but now it isn't really working for me I don't feel like I can ask him to move out as it would completely uproot his life and the childrens'.

I feel like I went from an individual person to a homeowner, breadwinner, provider and stepmum in the space of a few months. I don't think I want to break up but I do want to go back to being just an individual person in with my own space. I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here. They love me, they love our life here and they are settled and very happy. I feel horribly guilty to even have wobbles about my relationship with their dad. I feel horrible about turfing DP out too and think it would damage our relationship perhaps fatally but I just feel like I'm suffocating and I need the situation to change. How do I do the right thing by the kids - can I say it's just him that moves out, and he can still have them here during his contact time?

Please help. What's fair of me to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't remember the last time I was happy.

I am confused how he earns more than you, doesn't pay anything towards mortgage & bills and just pays 2/3rd of the groceries yet can't afford to save any? Are you sure the debt is only £15k?
I am a SM and it is tough without the resentment of being the person with all the financial responsibility. I would urge anyone to be really sure before getting in to the SM role. It can be thankless and frustrating and I love my SC and we get on well (mostly).
You owe them nothing, as kind as you sound. Their parents owe them, not you.

How do I do the right thing by the kids - can I say it's just him that moves out, and he can still have them here during his contact time?

Hell no. Is your house going to be their base for the next 13 years until the youngest is an adult? Why the fuck would you want that or allow that?

A clean break is kindest. You're not their parent, he is. Deal with him and them kindly, but you need to pull the sticking plaster off.

Run, run away. You do not need this absolute shit in your life. Get him out today. This will never get any better. Never ever.

Side issue, but I think it's a red flag that he 'never' communicates with his wife at all, given how small the children are. Just that makes me doubt his character, although I concede there might be reasons that aren't his fault for this.

Also, if he hates her so much he won't speak to her- why is he tiptoeing around her feelings by not proceeding with a divorce until she finds a boyfriend?! That just sounds like BS to me, sorry OP.

His wife is still legally his next of kin, and he’s not looking to change that any time soon. If he was in an accident you wouldn’t have any rights to even see him or make any decisions. He’s made no commitment to you whatsoever. You’re subsidising his debt by allowing him to live with you and only pay for food - he’s not even covering the extra council tax! And he’s not making you happy. You’ve only been together for two years and he’s got his feet under the table, expecting you to do the parenting? Nope. Time to take a step back, tell him it’s not working for you and he needs to make other arrangements and if that means the end of the relationship well...his loss.

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce.

He's still leaving the door open for his marriage.

Your relationship with this man is not viable until he has actually checked out of his marriage and is prepared to divorce his ex.

Leave him. You are young and life is short. Live your life and enjoy it with a man who is prepared to commit to you.

This also crossed my mind. If he were determined to get divorced, it would have happened already. He’s hoping the boyfriend is going to be him.

Find your dignity hilfe and move on. You’ve been in the kid’s lives for less than a year. Nowhere near enough time to be playing happy families.

Whose suggestion was it for him to move in? Perhaps he gave you hint?This has happened way too fast.

@sausagepastapot

Run, run away. You do not need this absolute shit in your life. Get him out today. This will never get any better. Never ever.

I agree. Things will only get worse the longer you have him and his kids around. You are funding him and his kids which is ridiculous. He is using you - with you he has free accommodation, only has to pay towards food for him and his kids, not even all the costs, and has you there to help mind his kids. You are being a complete fool here. Get him out, get his kids out and get your life back. You said you don't want kids so find someone who doesn't have any and doesn't want any.

You don't owe him or his kids a single thing. Make a clean break asap.

Sorry OP, me again.

I query whether he's been honest with you about the extent of his debt.

That could be one explanation for delaying the divorce (it's harder to lie about assets & debt while lawyers are splitting them).

Also that's not a massive debt if he's on a good income, and has minimal living expenses (thanks you you!) so he should be making headway.

There's just a few red flags even in the few facts you gave us.

Awful awful situation. He is taking you for a ride. You're forking out for almost everything and there are 4 of them and only one of you.
What a selfish greedy arse he is!!
You're only 26.....so bloody young, too bloody young to be saddled with 3 kids, all the bills and a massive cocklodger.
Just tell him its over, time to look after his own kids.

There is no middle ground here between breaking up or keeping the situation as it stands.

He's taken advantage of you and is pushing for more. Get out of this now because the longer you leave it the worse it gets.

You've got Christmas coming up and ideally the dc should be settled in their new home before then.

I think you can try and keep this amicable with your DP. It's all too much, you're too young and it's not fair on his kids or you. You need a partner, not to be a provider and stepmum. Tell him nicely to find a new living situation and be in it before November. Don't let him drag this out.

He is 1000% taking advantage of you.
In very crass language you are a bang maid.

Honestly, you sound like a really lovely, sorted, sane person, far too good for your partner I'm afraid and much too sane and sorted to saddle yourself with a young family that are not yours and you don't want!

I love the previous post which talks about important adults like teachers that come in and out of kids' lives. It's nice that you care about them and I'm sure that's what they'll remember. You don't have to give your life in service to them.

^ what @timeisnotaline has said seems fine

DON'T feel guilty, they are his kids: if they have to find somewhere else to live then their mum can house them, or they can apply for a council house.

He is taking advantage in a huge way: you MIGHT decide you want kids later and being a step mum is taking away that choice too

Do not marry or get pregnant with this man - and honestly I think you can do a lot better

Re refusing to divorce: this is SO disrespectful to you, that alone would be enough for me to end things!

Thank you everyone. Thank you.

I know. Covid absolutely was a motivator in moving in together as quickly as we did. We couldn't see each other except for walks etc. because of our work and it was awful. By becoming a 'household' we could finally be together. We do love each other so much. I always said "If there are such thing as The Ones then he is my One" - I've never questioned that until now. The idea of not being together is heartbreaking - he really is supportive and generous and adoring. He's not a bad man. He just made some poor choices.

It's hard to talk to him about the things I have an issue with. I am oversensitive and I do overreact so I don't trust myself with these issues. He is very sure of himself and pushes back strongly when I try to raise an issue, and he can be very defensive on certain topics - his parenting and his financial situation in particular. It means I want to go with him with set SMART boundaries and things I need to be fulfilled. Because if I go with anything less solid he'll push back and make me think I'm being unreasonable. He told me if I gave him an ultimatum to get divorced, he'd do it. But I don't to be the villain who made us disrupt our currently stable life - I want him to get divorced because he doesn't want to be married to his ex anymore, and because it is disrespectful to me and the life we have built together to expect me to put up with it indefinitely.

When we moved in together I said I wanted him to work on the divorce and the debt as conditions of him moving in - it wasn't a present or me being nice, it was an investment in our future. To my knowledge this hasn't really happened.

Any advice on boundaries you would set or things you would say that aren't emotional or irrational so that I can talk to him about this would be really appreciated. What would you do in my situation.

What on earth possessed you to move in and act as step mother with a man who hasn’t even attempted to divorce his wife?! He is taking the absolute piss out of you, he wants you to find his life and his children’s home while also doing the drudge work of parenting for them yet he doesn’t even show you the basic respect of getting divorced so you’re not doing all that for a man who is married to someone else?! This is honestly awful, one of the worst situations I’ve read about on here. Get rid, get rid, get rid. How he and his children move forward from here is of zero relevance to you though he will try and tell you otherwise and guilt trip you. He sounds appalling.

This will get worse before it gets better.

You've only lived together three months, so yes, it's sad for the kids, but they'll adjust and make new friends elsewhere.

The longer you leave it, the harder it will be.

And you need a clean break. Don't move him out but try and stay in the relationship. You deserve better than this one, in any format. Any relationship that involves him isn't going to be the right one for you.

Just read your latest update. You gave him boundaries and he completely ignored them so what makes you think he will do differently if you set another load of boundaries. They’re only boundaries if you enforce them and you haven’t. He has shown you how much respect he has for you and your wishes-believe him.

And he’s done a number on you making you think you’re emotional and irrational for attempting to have standards. You don’t overreact at all. You are underreacting.

Is he the one using terms like "emotional" and "irrational" when he's "pushing back"?

Your post is riddled with red flags. Honestly, he does not sound like a catch.

How can he be The One if you can't remember when you were last happy?

You're kidding yourself. I watched my sister go through this for 15 years with a man like this. They called each other The One too, but it was toxic as hell and we could all see it from the outside. She can finally see it, too now, and they've broken up.

OP in the nicest possible way - you owe his kids absolutely nothing

You owe him absolutely nothing

You are 26 you should have at least the next 5-10 years without the responsibility of your own children.

Kick him out and tell him to take his children with him. They are not your responsibility

Find a man your own age or even a couple of years younger who doesn't have children and enjoy your child free years.

In your circumstances I'd move on and find someone without kids, or older kids. You are the nanny.

Any advice on boundaries you would set or things you would say that aren't emotional or irrational so that I can talk to him about this would be really appreciated. What would you do in my situation

Talking doesn't work. He's controlling, won't discuss problems like a reasonable adult and he is financially abusing you by not contributing to bills. You don't need to try talking to him. You need to get him and his kids the hell out of your life.

I am oversensitive and I do overreact so I don't trust myself with these issues. He is very sure of himself and pushes back strongly when I try to raise an issue, and he can be very defensive on certain topics - his parenting and his financial situation in particular.

Hell No!

You are not over sensitive.

Kick him to the curb.

He's a bully and emotionally abusing you.

@TheLeadbetterLife

Is he the one using terms like "emotional" and "irrational" when he's "pushing back"?

Your post is riddled with red flags. Honestly, he does not sound like a catch.

How can he be The One if you can't remember when you were last happy?

You're kidding yourself. I watched my sister go through this for 15 years with a man like this. They called each other The One too, but it was toxic as hell and we could all see it from the outside. She can finally see it, too now, and they've broken up.

This.

OP if he is as defensive as you say and you feel you cannot talk to him without him twisting things to make you look unreasonable, then he is not as nice as you think he is. He is extremely manipulative, and I mean extremely.

Red flags everywhere.

if you only met them December 20 (8 month ago) what were the living arrangements before that?

changing things sooner rather than later will be better for everyone.