How much do I owe his kids?

[hilfehilfehilfe]

I am 26. My partner is 32. He earns more than I do but not loads. We have been together since summer 2019. Was not the OW. He has 3 kids from his marriage and they are 5, 7 and 8. I met them Dec 20. I love him a lot but I am starting to feel trapped and unhappy and worried that this is just how my life is going to be forever now. DP is great, thoughtful, supportive and absolutely adores me.

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce. They never communicate so they would have to be very serious for DP to even have heard of his existence. He has done very little research about divorce and is overall just concerned about not being able to afford it. I am unhappy and ashamed of this and have told him so.

He has a large amount of debt (~£15k) that he is paying off in the agreed installments. He has done no research or work to look into paying this off faster.

He doesn't parent as I would want to. I do not want children so this is not as big an issue as it might be. I think he wants a blended family with me taking on more of a step mum role. I feel they have an amazing mum already and him, they do not need a third parent and I am just a nice, safe adult they know well. He resents my attitude on this.

I own and pay for our house entirely by myself. His contribution is he buys 2/3s(ish) of our groceries as he is meant to be clearing his debt. He is currently in a good financial position (i.e. not going into his overdraft each month and living within his paycheque but not able to save etc.). We moved in together into this house May 21. I resent that I bought this house and pay for it alone in order to protect myself in the event of the relationship not working out - but now it isn't really working for me I don't feel like I can ask him to move out as it would completely uproot his life and the childrens'.

I feel like I went from an individual person to a homeowner, breadwinner, provider and stepmum in the space of a few months. I don't think I want to break up but I do want to go back to being just an individual person in with my own space. I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here. They love me, they love our life here and they are settled and very happy. I feel horribly guilty to even have wobbles about my relationship with their dad. I feel horrible about turfing DP out too and think it would damage our relationship perhaps fatally but I just feel like I'm suffocating and I need the situation to change. How do I do the right thing by the kids - can I say it's just him that moves out, and he can still have them here during his contact time?

Please help. What's fair of me to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't remember the last time I was happy.

I'm curious how much of the childcare he does while they're at your house? Also how much of the other household chores does he do?

@TheLeadbetterLife

Is he the one using terms like "emotional" and "irrational" when he's "pushing back"?

Your post is riddled with red flags. Honestly, he does not sound like a catch.

How can he be The One if you can't remember when you were last happy?

You're kidding yourself. I watched my sister go through this for 15 years with a man like this. They called each other The One too, but it was toxic as hell and we could all see it from the outside. She can finally see it, too now, and they've broken up.

I thought the same thing - the fact that you categorise yourself as being over emotional and irrational sounds like the sort of thing he’d have said when you’ve brought up issues in the past.

It’s your home and your life, you don’t need his permission to have boundaries and to have your needs met. At the moment that isn’t happening so start with what you said there - when he first moved in there was talk of him reducing his debt and divorcing his ex. Where is he re both of those things? If he’s not paying rent and bills he could have the £15k paid off in a year if he was really trying. And the part about not divorcing his ex until she has someone else is pathetic. She doesn’t need to swap one husband for another. Her marriage ended. Shit happens. She’ll get over it. Given that he’s clearly moved on, this isn’t about him protecting her feelings, he’s probably just stalling because he doesn’t want the expense and hassle of divorce. I know because I left mine for 2 years before pushing ahead, even after XH and I had both met other people it just wasn’t a priority and it seemed like such a big hurdle! It wasn’t as bad as it seemed and only cost about £450 to do. Obvs if he has assets that need splitting etc I can see what he doesn’t want that finalised while his finances are a mess, but it needs doing.

Re step parenting - if you don’t want to be a parent, you certainly don’t want to be a step mum - all of the hassle and none of the joy! If he won’t accept that then it’s reason enough to leave him in my book. You should be allowed to fulfil a role that works for you as well as for the DC. Him wanting you to step up and do the job of a mum when they’re with you just lets him off the hook. Shit parenting and shit partnering!

You sound lovely OP and very caring about other people.

But you are only 26. You have your whole wonderful life ahead of you. You deserve to be happy, and be in a relationship where you come first. Your DP is not putting you first, or even second after his DC. He's making you the bad guy if you push for him to divorce, he's gaining financially by living in your house with his DC and not even prioritising his debt so you can move forward on a more equal footing. He wants you to be more involved in parenting so he doesn't need to be.

You don't owe his kids anything, they have two parents with a lifetime commitment to them. The kindest thing for them would be to split sooner rather than later as they haven't been with you for long. You definitely don't need to make a lifetime commitment yourself if that is making you unhappy.

Tell him to move out, soon. He's using you.

The problem is that you have taken over responsibility for him and his family.

Why did you both think that you could pay for them? It was likely to lead to resentment.

Would you be happier if he sorted out his divorce and financial settlement?

I'm presuming his Ex is living in their house and he is funding her. Therefore you are funding her too by providing free lodgings. Is the £15k debt also his Ex's debt? He needs to see a solicitor and work out who gets what from the split. If he and his ex have to sell the home to split their assets and pay off the debt them that's what they have to do.

Would this solve the problem for you?

You mention you are resenting the kids. How often are they with you? Does he expect you to spend all weekend with them or can you do your own thing when they are around?

OP You are just the gist that keeps on giving to this man. An unpaid housekeeper who pays him to look after his children. What a lucky boy he is!

Gift.......

You are effectively paying his ex wife that he refuses to divorce for children you are not responsible for. By subbing him, you wanted him to invest in his, and therefore your joint, future. Instead he is giving YOUR money away.

You can love someone very much and they can still be wrong for you. Love is the minimum but you also need mutual respect, shared goals and a joint aim in life. He will never give you that and it will make you hate him sooner rather than later. You are already miserable and it won't get better.

He is a manipulator.

He has charmed his way into your life, got you to pick up all his financial slack, and made it sound like your idea. The whole "if you give me an ultimatum" thing is a classic abusers tactic. If you do he will throw back "I got divorced for you and you can't even...."

He is not a good guy op.

It's hard to talk to him about the things I have an issue with. I am oversensitive and I do overreact so I don't trust myself with these issues. He is very sure of himself and pushes back strongly when I try to raise an issue, and he can be very defensive on certain topics - his parenting and his financial situation in particular. It means I want to go with him with set SMART boundaries and things I need to be fulfilled. Because if I go with anything less solid he'll push back and make me think I'm being unreasonable. He told me if I gave him an ultimatum to get divorced, he'd do it. But I don't to be the villain who made us disrupt our currently stable life - I want him to get divorced because he doesn't want to be married to his ex anymore, and because it is disrespectful to me and the life we have built together to expect me to put up with it indefinitely.

When we moved in together I said I wanted him to work on the divorce and the debt as conditions of him moving in - it wasn't a present or me being nice, it was an investment in our future. To my knowledge this hasn't really happened.

None of that says "supportive, generous and adoring". It says "more red flags than a communist rally".

OP the more you post the worse he seems.

This guy is not a keeper.

If you feel you can't tell him to leave your house on your own then get a family member or a friend, preferably male, to sit in on in the conversation. The person is there to give you moral support.

Oh and don't give him time to rent somewhere. He can crash at a mates or family member. If the house is fully in your name tell him to leave tomorrow. Find a mate or family member who can be around one evening and give him that day to come back and pick up all his stuff.

Oh OP. please please kick him and his kids out. You are not responsible for them - give him reasonable time to find somewhere to live with his children - he should NEVER have moved them in with you.

As a parent of young children I can tell you that what he has done is despicable - the children should have a home that is secure and independent of you - you are someone who has only known them a short while.

He is using you. Wow of course he adores you - you are paying his rent and bills and housing his kids.

He needs to find his feet and get a home for them pronto - there is no reason this should be upheaval to them - their stability comes from their parents. Kids move all the time - he needs to look at a home for them right now.

He probably won't get divorced because he wants her on the back burner in case you dump him.

Kids' security should be in their parents, not in a house.
You are not their parent and have kept yourself in the rôle of nice, friendly adult, not step-parent, so it should not be distressing for them if their dad moves out.

As you have put the kids as the subject of this post, it seems the relationship with your partner is almost over in your mind and heart.

Also - you don't own the kids anything. Not really.

Obviously as a reasonable adult you are not going to throw him and them out on the street, so if he has to leave you just have to give him some time to sort that out.

You probably move in together too quickly really, you should have waiting until after the divorce and financial settlement etc.

just feel like I would hurt so many people if I left, or even took a step back. His family have made me so welcome. My family love him. Our friends love our relationship. He has no idea anything is this wrong. He thinks we're set to be together forever.

Thus is messed up thinking. None of this is a reason to stay with someone. YOU should be at the centre of your world, do what's right for you not what everyone else wants.

People love your relationship because they're seeing the lovey dovey public side of it. They're not living the private side of it. They're not the ones feeling trapped. They're not the ones being used for money and childcare. They're not the ones putting up with his unreasonable behaviour, because have no doubts his attitude is unreasonable regardless of how many declarations of love he sugar coats it with.

Actions speak louder than words. Your logical brain is responding to his words, taking them at face value and believing them. Your instincts are responding to his actions. You're confused because there's discord between the two. Listen to your instincts, they're accurate. Your brain can be manipulated with words but your gut feeling never lets you down, to ignore it is foolish.

Oh my gosh, OP. You could be me 35yrs ago.
I bought a small house (at age 25) so that DP (age 36)and I could be together. He was still living with his wife, but separate (he said at the time) with two DDs that I wasn't allowed to spend any time with.
He moved in with me, but carried on paying the mortgage at his other house, and over paying on CM , and delaying on getting divorced.
I paid for everything, because he had no money spare, and I was happy to do it at the time because we loved each other. After a couple of years he asked if he could be put on the deeds and we could remortgage to pay off his debts. Again, I agreed because I trusted him absolutely.
I got a job which meant being away from home for months on end, and this meant I had more of a 'single' life. I met and had an affair with someone else, (not proud of this btw), and it made me realise how stifled I was, and weighed down with financial burdens which were all due to my unequal relationship.
We split up, sold the house for peanuts because there was hardly any equity in it, and moved on. Only then did he decide he'd better get divorced!
We are on good terms now, but thinking back, I wish I had insisted on him getting himself straight first before I launched in.
And I've just remembered about holidays - we could just about afford a week's camping in Cornwall, and his 'wife' was having fortnights in hotels in France with the DDs, that he was funding...
Claim your space back - he is an adult and you are not his mother - you owe him and his DC nothing. What you choose to give is up to you, but not at the expense of your own needs.
Before you talk to him, have it clear in your head what you want - stick to facts - he can't argue with facts. Facts are not emotional or irrational.
Good luck.

Get a friend to help you - tell him that he needs to leave with his kids and if there is a relationship to be salvaged after that, it works on your terms. If he 'won't leave - then he is abusive and you need to confront that fact.

Absolutely nobody will think he is reasonable to be moving in and living under your feet with his kids - Im sure all your frineds are secretely hoping you will leave him as soon as you can.

We do love each other so much. I always said "If there are such thing as The Ones then he is my One" - I've never questioned that until now.

I think it's great you are questioning it. May I suggest Googling Love Bombing and see if it rings any bells with you?

I was in a similar sounding relationship to you when I was about your age and I wish I could have told myself to leave.

You are not oversensitive and you do not overreact. Is he making you feel this way? There is nothing wrong with emotions, he should be listening when you talk to him about yours. You are not a robot your feelings matter. Please take care of you, you can do better.

Gosh with each update it gets worse.

Are you family and friends aware you are paying for everything and that he is giving his Ex all his money? I don't think they would love him quite so much if they did.

They're still married. He doesn't have an ex-wife, does he?

You are effectively paying his ex wife that he refuses to divorce for children you are not responsible for. By subbing him, you wanted him to invest in his, and therefore your joint, future. Instead he is giving YOUR money away.

Really think about this OP. You're paying for him to pay his wife that he won't divorce even for your sake. This is truly horrendous.

Obviously as a reasonable adult you are not going to throw him and them out on the street, so if he has to leave you just have to give him some time to sort that out.

His type will do nothing but stall endlessly and come up with excuses to not leave. She's not throwing the DC out (though if she was it would be his problem to house them and not her problem at all). The DC have a home with their mother. OP can totally change the locks on his lazy arse while he's out at work. Because he's got it made here and isn't likely to want to leave easily. He's already displays bullying tactics, it's easier for him to bully his way into staying. No need for OP to go through that drama. He's not a tenant, she doesn't owe him notice. He's a CF cocklodger who is owed nothing and has already taken way to much.

He's only breaking even on his paycheque while being with me as he has debt payments and signifcantly overpays his child maintenance this makes it worse. You are subsidising his child maintenance.

Your family and friends might love him. But they don't live with him and I'm not sure if they knew him as much as you did they would still love him.

I feel that you're very passive in accepting responsibility for your part in this. You wanted to live together, you thought he was the one, you wanted to be in a relationship with a father, with a married man, you are the one who avoids talking in a sensible manner about difficult topics etc.

If you were happy with the relationship before he moved in, why not start a conversation about him moving out again. Plenty of couples live apart.

Read through what you've posted. The things against the relationship outweigh the positive. I think you know this already though.

He's in a great situation and you've enabled this. You need to do what you want. His kids are little, if you don't want to be a stepmum get out now, as they are so small you've got twenty years or more of caring for them.

This might sound blunt but at 26 you WILL find another “one”. Most of us have to make a hard choice about such a relationship, at some point in our lives. You just realise that there are certain aspects of their personality or lifestyle which you just cannot happily live with. And ending it is painful but the right thing to do.

The practicalities of life with this man are eventually going to destroy the relationship and/or wear you down. I think you know it. I know you feel bad about the potential effects on his children but what else can you do, are you going to keep this up for 15 years?