How much do I owe his kids?

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I am 26. My partner is 32. He earns more than I do but not loads. We have been together since summer 2019. Was not the OW. He has 3 kids from his marriage and they are 5, 7 and 8. I met them Dec 20. I love him a lot but I am starting to feel trapped and unhappy and worried that this is just how my life is going to be forever now. DP is great, thoughtful, supportive and absolutely adores me.

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce. They never communicate so they would have to be very serious for DP to even have heard of his existence. He has done very little research about divorce and is overall just concerned about not being able to afford it. I am unhappy and ashamed of this and have told him so.

He has a large amount of debt (~£15k) that he is paying off in the agreed installments. He has done no research or work to look into paying this off faster.

He doesn't parent as I would want to. I do not want children so this is not as big an issue as it might be. I think he wants a blended family with me taking on more of a step mum role. I feel they have an amazing mum already and him, they do not need a third parent and I am just a nice, safe adult they know well. He resents my attitude on this.

I own and pay for our house entirely by myself. His contribution is he buys 2/3s(ish) of our groceries as he is meant to be clearing his debt. He is currently in a good financial position (i.e. not going into his overdraft each month and living within his paycheque but not able to save etc.). We moved in together into this house May 21. I resent that I bought this house and pay for it alone in order to protect myself in the event of the relationship not working out - but now it isn't really working for me I don't feel like I can ask him to move out as it would completely uproot his life and the childrens'.

I feel like I went from an individual person to a homeowner, breadwinner, provider and stepmum in the space of a few months. I don't think I want to break up but I do want to go back to being just an individual person in with my own space. I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here. They love me, they love our life here and they are settled and very happy. I feel horribly guilty to even have wobbles about my relationship with their dad. I feel horrible about turfing DP out too and think it would damage our relationship perhaps fatally but I just feel like I'm suffocating and I need the situation to change. How do I do the right thing by the kids - can I say it's just him that moves out, and he can still have them here during his contact time?

Please help. What's fair of me to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't remember the last time I was happy.

It was my idea for us to move in together, because of our work situation. He obviously wasn't in a position to provide a home for us, and I was, and it was so utterly utterly awful to be apart indefinitely. I realise now I shouldn't have done this, but I just love him so much and was in a positon to help him so I did.

I just feel like I would hurt so many people if I left, or even took a step back. His family have made me so welcome. My family love him. Our friends love our relationship. He has no idea anything is this wrong. He thinks we're set to be together forever.

To answer some questions:
The children are here Fri after school - Mon school drop off EOW, and 50/50ish in the holidays.
He's only breaking even on his paycheque while being with me as he has debt payments and signifcantly overpays his child maintenance. The rest I think general life things.

"The one" doesn't make you feel like this. He isn't the one.

You don't really owe him or his kids anything except the courtesy of setting him SMART goals to move out!

Life's too short to be taken advantage of like this. You're not this man child's mother

Op it shouldn't be this hard so early on. You've only lived together for 3 months.

One way forward would be to suggest a 6 month split, ie a complete separation, he can take a 6 month rental, see how you feel in 6 months time. And give yourself time to adjust to living alone without a partner & 3 kids.

He overpays his child maintenance, are you sure he doesn't have arrears there too. Because effectively you are subsidising that overpayment.

I just feel like I would hurt so many people if I left, or even took a step back. His family have made me so welcome. My family love him. Our friends love our relationship. He has no idea anything is this wrong. He thinks we're set to be together forever.

I get this feeling OP but this is the nature of long term relationships ending. You cannot waste your life miserable with this man just to avoid a fall out most adults will get is a part of life. Family connections have to be unpicked but that is perfectly normal.

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce

One word of advice....RUN

As everyone else has said, your in your mid 20s, you have got the pick of the crop, there are loads of men in the same position in life as you, playing step mum to 3 young children really alters the dynamics of a relationship, especially in what you can and can not do, your lifestyles will be completely different.
When or if he gets a divorce, everything he owns will be spilt 50/50 with the ex as a minimum.
Take it from the more experienced people on here, a relationship with someone who has young children and debts and won't get a divorce allways ends up messy, I'd get out now before you get even more emotionally involved.
Have a look at the step parents board to see all the common problems that will likely occur and if that's what you want from your future lifestyle / relationship together

He can be the most patient, supportive and kind man in the world but he’s still a massive cocklodger and your future with this guy seems pretty bleak. You might want to get out before he starts claiming squatters rights. And yes, guys with young kids often find themselves a new girlfriend soon after marriage for the free childcare.

Consider looking up female dating strategy on Reddit. They’re great at helping women get empowered to stop dating these wastes of space.

Oh, my goodness! Your update is full of red flags, OP!

He is not a good guy.

He overpays his child maintenance, are you sure he doesn't have arrears there too. Because effectively you are subsidising that overpayment.

Worse. You are paying his child maintenance in full.

As you are now cohabiting when he eventually does get round to the divorce your income will be taken into account when it comes to sorting the financial settlement (after all his outgoings are barely anything, so he will be able to contribute more by way of maintenance and other child costs - (Uniforms, clubs, school trips, mobile contracts - little children grow up to be expensive teenagers etc). My solicitor strongly advised me against cohabiting until the divorce was finalised. You will be subsidising him for a long time.

He managed with the kids before you met him, he'll manage afterwards.

Did he ever live on his own and have the children after he separated from his wife or did he move in with parents/sibling/mate and do the usual pick the kids up on a Saturday morning and drop drop back at tea time because he couldn't keep them overnight routine?

This man is absolutely taking the piss. He's moved into your home, is living off your money, is asking you to take a bigger role in parenting his children when you don't want to, and will not listen to your (very reasonable) concerns you have about his finances or the future of your relationship.

This is all just a mess, honestly. Resentment is already setting in: given his current lack of action and refusal to talk about things, how do you see things in 12 months? Do you picture him having taken dramatic steps to pay down debt faster and actually contribute properly to your shared home? Do you picture him having taken your feelings into consideration and having started the process of a divorce? Or do you picture yourself where you are now, still supporting a man and his children, who won't even pay his half of the bills?

Why's he so concerned a divorce will be expensive? An uncontested divorce with no assets (which I assume they don't have, considering his debts) can be less than £1,000. Is the ex likely to contest it, and why, if they're clearly no longer together or in touch - is he hoping if his ex gets a new boyfriend she'll be less likely to do that?

He sounds like he has very little get up and go about him, and no real urge to improve his life. Currently, his life is intertwined with your life - which means he's keeping you stuck there with him. I wouldn't hang around to see if he suddenly has a personality change, to be honest.

He may act lovely and say the right words sometimes but him shutting you down is bullying and he is 100% financially abusing you. You don’t owe him or the kids anything.

You owe him and his DC nothing.

He won't divorce his wife until she wants and they don't speak so how he going to hear about it, that means he's effectively saying he doesn't want to marry you. He loves her and cares about her more than you.

He's using you for a cash cow to provide a home for him and his DC. His debts are his responsibility and you shouldn't be subbing him, by allowing him to contribute less to household expenses because he has debts that's no different to you literally paying off his debts for him.

He's also using you for childcare. It's not their mother he wants you to replace, it's him, he wants you to do his share of parenting/childcare.

He's not the wonderful man you think he is, he's a Grade A arse and you're wasting your youth tied to this loser and subsidising his lifestyle.

Listen to your instincts. You feel trapped for a reason. It's not complicated why this is. He's trying to trap you, already has to some extent. Kick him to the curb and find a relationship with someone who'll treat you like an equal, not someone who displays anger when you say you don't want to comply with his unreasonable wishes.

Ive rarely seen such a foolish thread , he is paying off his debts while you look after him and his kids? (although sadly these type of cocklodging threads seem to be common

Please listen to what everyone, literally everyone here is saying. He's not the nice man you think he is. He's using you.

Oh my love you are so young! With the money you are funding his lifestyle with you could have wonderful holidays and experiences and meet someone terrific. With the head space getting rid of him will bring you could build your career and invest in yourself. The world is waiting for you!

If you were my daughter I would encourage you to stop this. Your family only love him because they think that you are happy. If they knew all this I doubt they would love him. Maybe his family love you because without you they would have to sort it out or shock, horror he would!

Please get out of it and live your life!

Honestly OP (my opinion)…. I wouldn’t be getting into a serious relationship with anyone who isn’t divorced or at the very least half way through the process of divorce.

I got together with dh (now ex) when his dc were 3,7 and 10, I was only 21 at the time, dh a lot older, he was going through divorce. Every day was a battle, his kids were alway priority over anything which I know is how it should be but when we had 2 dc of our own his dc still came first because the ex would brain wash the kids into refusing to come over if dh did not do what they wanted. I never had my own money, we couldn’t afford days out or holidays yet his kids were going abroad with their mother. I ended up doing the majority of the child care when his dc came over, I would entertain them, feed them and drive them around (even had to pick them up from his ex’s). Looking back now I was very unhappy and depressed. The best thing I did was leave.

Things are likely to get worse not better.

Oh your update is even worse - is he actually overpaying his CM, or is he in arrears with that?

Either way, you are effectively paying for either his idiocy (overpaying CM when he has debt to be paid off) or his negligence in paying in the first place.

You're bankrolling his entire life right now, and you've given him a nice easy ride doing so. Stop making his life so easy: tell him you need an equal contribution to the household from now on, and if he can't afford that then it's better if you seperate households for a while until he can afford to do so. What he does with his kids is not your concern. Tell him you're not prepared to continue a long-term relationship with someone who isn't even divorced, that Covid blinded your thinking and moved things along faster, but you are now re-asserting your very reasonable boundary that he start divorce proceedings ASAP or you're not happy to continue.

Because you're not. You're miserable, and it's because you've seen he's not willing to do anything to change the status quo, even though it's objectively shit for you - or rather, he is willing to change it, by giving you parenting responsibility you don't want on top of your responsibility to house and fund a grown man and his children too.

He's only breaking even on his paycheque while being with me as he has debt payments and signifcantly overpays his child maintenance

So, he is basically taking money from you and giving it to his wife!!

What I and every PP would do is to tell him he needs to leave your house.
Maybe you can then talk to him rationally and without emotion and salvage your relationship, but quite frankly why would you bother? You want to talk to him about sensible matters that every other couple needs to talk about in addition obviously having SC means you have even more need to have sensible, and respectful of each other’s position discussions. He doesn’t want to have these sensible discussions cause he likes things just as there are, not divorced or any sign of it, you subsidising his families expenses and you as a “mum” to his kids. So how does he stop you wanting to have these sensible discussions with him, he says you are speaking in an irrational and emotional way so that you basically PUT UP and SHUT UP.

You say that the kids bedrooms are there... but they've only been there since May. It's no time at all. They stayed somewhere else before, they can stay somewhere else again. Give a decent length notice so your partner can find somewhere else to rent and they can pack and move. But DO give the notice so that this process starts.

I agree with a precious poster, divorce isn't expensive if you have debt and no assets! That's just an excuse.

This set-up is making you unhappy, and you're so young. Splitting up will be painful but worth it so you can move on with creating your own life instead of being completely consumed by his.

Hi OP you sound like a very caring person. It looks like there are multiple issues here...First you need to understand whether you want to be with him permanently - you currently say you feel trapped, is that because all this change happened too quickly and you found yourself in a position with too much responsibility on your shoulders (going from not wanting kids to three is a big thing!), or because he is not divorcing yet or because you dont actually feel that deeply for him? Will you feel more trapped if he actually divorces and you get married? It may be easy to confuse your frustration with him not divorcing and wanting a clean stable relationship with love. It shows you are wonderful that you are thinking about the upheaval to the kids however if the answers to these questions are not clear in your mind, the upheaval from a second divorce might be much worse for them and you...

Run.