How much do I owe his kids?

[hilfehilfehilfe]

I am 26. My partner is 32. He earns more than I do but not loads. We have been together since summer 2019. Was not the OW. He has 3 kids from his marriage and they are 5, 7 and 8. I met them Dec 20. I love him a lot but I am starting to feel trapped and unhappy and worried that this is just how my life is going to be forever now. DP is great, thoughtful, supportive and absolutely adores me.

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce. They never communicate so they would have to be very serious for DP to even have heard of his existence. He has done very little research about divorce and is overall just concerned about not being able to afford it. I am unhappy and ashamed of this and have told him so.

He has a large amount of debt (~£15k) that he is paying off in the agreed installments. He has done no research or work to look into paying this off faster.

He doesn't parent as I would want to. I do not want children so this is not as big an issue as it might be. I think he wants a blended family with me taking on more of a step mum role. I feel they have an amazing mum already and him, they do not need a third parent and I am just a nice, safe adult they know well. He resents my attitude on this.

I own and pay for our house entirely by myself. His contribution is he buys 2/3s(ish) of our groceries as he is meant to be clearing his debt. He is currently in a good financial position (i.e. not going into his overdraft each month and living within his paycheque but not able to save etc.). We moved in together into this house May 21. I resent that I bought this house and pay for it alone in order to protect myself in the event of the relationship not working out - but now it isn't really working for me I don't feel like I can ask him to move out as it would completely uproot his life and the childrens'.

I feel like I went from an individual person to a homeowner, breadwinner, provider and stepmum in the space of a few months. I don't think I want to break up but I do want to go back to being just an individual person in with my own space. I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here. They love me, they love our life here and they are settled and very happy. I feel horribly guilty to even have wobbles about my relationship with their dad. I feel horrible about turfing DP out too and think it would damage our relationship perhaps fatally but I just feel like I'm suffocating and I need the situation to change. How do I do the right thing by the kids - can I say it's just him that moves out, and he can still have them here during his contact time?

Please help. What's fair of me to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't remember the last time I was happy.

Run a mile OP - he's taking advantage of you. It's not up to you to provide a home for his kids and whilst he is living off you, you are enabling him to not be a proper parent. If you were my daughter I would having serious words - you're way too young for this kind of crap. Find yourself someone who has no ties.

That man will clear his debts and then clear off he has no scrupkes or he would never be living off you. It's sad for the children but please stop wasting your life.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear but I’d get out of this relationship, kick this idiot and his kids out and look at you and your own life and wants and needs.

What does this man bring to your life because seriously I can think of not a lot? He’s got you dangling on the end of a string and I think he’s a cocklodger (MN terms).

What were your previous relationships like as it seems you have a low self esteem issue if you’re willing to entertain this situation?

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Run a mile OP - he's taking advantage of you. It's not up to you to provide a home for his kids and whilst he is living off you, you are enabling him to not be a proper parent. If you were my daughter I would having serious words - you're way too young for this kind of crap. Find yourself someone who has no ties.

Agreed.

Or live alone and be single.

He has no idea anything is this wrong. He thinks we're set to be together forever.

I wouldn't be too sure of that. I think he has chosen you precisely because you are so caring. He might not know that you have cottoned on to him though.

It's ok to break up with someone for any reason or no reason. It might hurt them but it's better than you both being unhappy forever.

he is in a good financial position

And why is that? Could it be that you are subsidising ( in effect paying) his debt repayments, by providing board, lodging, utilities, broadband, etc for him and his children while he pays for a bit of grocery shopping.

I am not surprised you are starting to feel resentful, I think I would too, he has no need to get divorced or make any commitment to you, you are providing for all his needs without him having to make any decisions about your future together.

All this and the proceeds of his best selling book “ How to be a Cocklodger”, I am assuming he wrote it, he seems to know all the tricks and wrinkles.

You need to tell him
A) get divorced
B) contribute to half of the household bills, if this means longer to pay off debt then so be it. That’s life.
C)he accepts the way you are with his kids and doesn’t push for more than you’re prepared to give

It’s worrying that you say he makes you feel over sensitive and emotional when you discuss issues. That’s not the sign of an equal living relationship. They are red flags to an abusive relationship.

So basically he pays for nothing other than the food that he and his children eat. Nothing else.

That is absolutely appalling. What kind of man is this? He lives entirely off you. He is using you to the ultimate degree. Who benefits from his debt being paid off? Not you, that's for certain.

You deserve more than what he is giving/ offering.

The fact he won't divorce the ex W speaks volumes.

It will be a big decision but speaking from experience moving on now is 100 times easier than it will be next year/ the year after etc.

Well done for getting the house in your name!

He shouldn’t make you feel like you are being unreasonable.

The only thing I would say is thT conversely you need to allow him to parent the way he feels is right…they aren’t your kids

Nah. At 26 I wouldn’t be taking this amount of baggage on board. Three you g children, debt, not divorced or even intending to be any time soon. Hassle you don’t need.

OP, you use the word "Ashamed" in your opening post - I think about living with a married man. Don't allow that to continue. You are violating your own values, which is very bad for you. You do not want to be the kind of woman who lives with a married man, so you will have to ask him to leave your house. It's that simple.

This is a condition that you put on living with him, which he ignored. That shows that he is selfish and arrogant and disrespectful. You have to exercise power back now (you have the power - it's your life and your house) and say you will not live with him any more.

He is an adult and a parent. He can and will find somewhere else to live and somewhere else to parent his children.

Forget this SMART stuff. He's telling you that you aren't expressing what you need in the correct language as a way of ignoring what you need. He doesn't care what you need and he is using a very common lie - "It's how you say it". This is rubbish. It's that you say it at all.

You say you can't remember being happy. Happiness is a by-product of living according to one's values, not of pleasing others. Get him out, and happiness is around the corner.

You can make this relationship work, but it will involve sacrificing a helluva lot and you’ve already said that you don’t want to do that.
I speak as someone in an almost identical situation as you, but 15 years down the line. I bought the family home, complete with bedrooms for the DSS. I became the main bread winner. DP is a man child and contributes very little (as nice a man as he is, but then it’s easy to be nice and laid back, without the responsibilities and burdens that come with being an adult). I am making the most of the situation I’m in and for the most part am happy, but if it wasn’t for my own DC, I would jump in a time machine and not go ahead with this relationship.
I think you are like I was. Scared of the pain and uncertainties about your future that come with a breakup.
Of course you’ll miss him and of course there will be a gap in your life for a while. But you will fill it with different things and new people. You’d get to fall in love all over again, with a partner that is more compatible and less dependent on you. You’d get to do fun things with your own time and money.
If you want to try to make this work, you can if you try really hard and give in to what is being asked of you, but you’ll be giving up so much of yourself, that you may regret it.
You’ve already listed a whole bunch of things you want to change about your DP and a list of things he wants to change about you (be a happy stepmum, be the financial provider, be the motivator, organiser, ambitious one). If neither of you is happy about the expected changes, get out now, while you’re young and can have the experience and life you want to leave).
The breakdown pain will pass and you’ll be so much happier in the long term.

Reread your post op: he really is supportive and generous and adoring. He's not a bad man. He just made some poor choices.

It's hard to talk to him about the things I have an issue with. I am oversensitive and I do overreact so I don't trust myself with these issues. He is very sure of himself and pushes back strongly when I try to raise an issue, and he can be very defensive on certain topics - his parenting and his financial situation in particular. It means I want to go with him with set SMART boundaries and things I need to be fulfilled. Because if I go with anything less solid he'll push back and make me think I'm being unreasonable. He told me if I gave him an ultimatum to get divorced, he'd do it. But I don't to be the villain who made us disrupt our currently stable life - I want him to get divorced because he doesn't want to be married to his ex anymore, and because it is disrespectful to me and the life we have built together to expect me to put up with it indefinitely.
He’s generous financially to his WIFE because you bankroll him. There is nothing supportive or adoring about how he refuses to listen to your concerns and makes you feel you’re being unreasonable. There is nothing supportive generous or adoring about how he once moved in simply hasn’t bothered to address any of the things you asked him to- his divorce and his debt. He doesn’t adore you and he doesn’t belong in the pedestal you’ve put him on.

As for firm boundaries to talk to him with, how you feel is enough of a boundary in a relationship. I feel disrespected and unloved that you are neither interested in divorcing or paying off your debt. I’m good enough to pay the mortgage and bills and you want me to do more with your children, but I’m not good enough for you to think about severing your marriage with your WIFE to respect me, or trying to manage your finances better so I’m not subsiding your payments to your WIFE and your debt. That’s how I feel and nothing you can say will change it.

Wow he saw you coming didn’t he?

@Lockdownbear

He overpays his child maintenance, are you sure he doesn't have arrears there too. Because effectively you are subsidising that overpayment.

Exactly op

You are effectively paying some of it for him

Oh OP, you sound like such a young and tender flower! Which would be fine if you were doing uncommitted dating in your 20s but this involves kids and houses and debt.

Stop being a people pleaser, decide what you want to happen in your own life. Don't call yourself oversensitive etc - you have valid feelings. Because he's taking the piss. Maybe he's a decent one who will sort himself out if you make him, but own your anger, don't let him walk all over you and don't end up being a stepmother when you haven't agreed to it.

I think he's actually smart enough not to get divorced right now because it's expensive and he's in debt. He should be doing all he can to reduce his debt, don't take on any financial ties to him until he does.

The way you make it sound as if everyone would be happier if you left the house to him and the kids and moved into a hostel but kept working to pay their way - do you see how crazy that is? You're not responsible for people unless you agree to commit to being responsible.

Hil

Another one to support you in making the break.

A man who always cuts off conversation on any topic is not emotional intelligent. But he has trained you to think you're the over-sensitive', 'irrational' one.

What's 'irrational' on wanting your DP to proceed with divorce? You're living together, you physically provide for him and his children. It is totally rational and expedient that he divorce and set up legal structures around your relationship. This doesn't necessarily mean marriage, but he should have a will, life assurance etc. If he's not on the mortgage, fair enough but he should be paying more of the living costs of the household. He should be upfront and very clear about his debts (I too think there's more going on here). If he really thinks of you as a future life partner all of this information needs to be on the table. He should be active in offering this - not blocking any questions / conversations.

Next time the kids are not with you, sit him down and tell him it's not working for you and that he needs to leave, within a fortnight. You don't even have to tell him why, especially as he sounds the type to try and force you into a corner (not a nice thing). In fact don't even try to explain - just repeat -it's not working, you have to go. He has family and friends he can go to - he'll be fine. The kids will be fine. And just as important - you will be fine.

Just as an aside - at 26 I was adamant I didn't want children. Ten years later I changed my mind.

Why does he significantly overpay his child payments, yet not pay his way in your home?
Do all these family and friends who love him, know that he's living off you to this degree?

If you were my DD and I found out that this was going on, I'd be absolutely horrified.

The way he shuts you down when you try to ask anything of him, is a massive red flag.

Open your eyes and leave. He must think its Christmas everyday.

Kids could live with mum if they need to. Not sure why you think they need to be with you.

Op I say this as someone who got involved with a man with children when I was in my early 20s - it will not get easier, you are doing too much for him and the resentment will grow and cause other problems.

If you don't want to split, would you consider going back to living separately? I know other stepmothers have done this and it worked for them.

You owe his children and him nothing

Op my favourite piece of advice ever - don't cling onto a mistake just because you spent a long time making it

Cut your losses, and when you're out of the storm instead of being in the midst of it, you'll see the relationship, and how poorly you're being treated much more clearly and wonder why you put up with being treated like shit for so long.

@Redtartanshoes

You need to tell him A) get divorced B) contribute to half of the household bills, if this means longer to pay off debt then so be it. That’s life. C)he accepts the way you are with his kids and doesn’t push for more than you’re prepared to give

It’s worrying that you say he makes you feel over sensitive and emotional when you discuss issues. That’s not the sign of an equal living relationship. They are red flags to an abusive relationship.

He won't get divorced because he can abuse his wife by not doing so and he can also abuse the OP by not getting divorced.