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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How much do I owe his kids?

600 replies

hilfehilfehilfe · 01/09/2021 09:41

I am 26. My partner is 32. He earns more than I do but not loads. We have been together since summer 2019. Was not the OW. He has 3 kids from his marriage and they are 5, 7 and 8. I met them Dec 20. I love him a lot but I am starting to feel trapped and unhappy and worried that this is just how my life is going to be forever now. DP is great, thoughtful, supportive and absolutely adores me.

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce. They never communicate so they would have to be very serious for DP to even have heard of his existence. He has done very little research about divorce and is overall just concerned about not being able to afford it. I am unhappy and ashamed of this and have told him so.

He has a large amount of debt (~£15k) that he is paying off in the agreed installments. He has done no research or work to look into paying this off faster.

He doesn't parent as I would want to. I do not want children so this is not as big an issue as it might be. I think he wants a blended family with me taking on more of a step mum role. I feel they have an amazing mum already and him, they do not need a third parent and I am just a nice, safe adult they know well. He resents my attitude on this.

I own and pay for our house entirely by myself. His contribution is he buys 2/3s(ish) of our groceries as he is meant to be clearing his debt. He is currently in a good financial position (i.e. not going into his overdraft each month and living within his paycheque but not able to save etc.). We moved in together into this house May 21. I resent that I bought this house and pay for it alone in order to protect myself in the event of the relationship not working out - but now it isn't really working for me I don't feel like I can ask him to move out as it would completely uproot his life and the childrens'.

I feel like I went from an individual person to a homeowner, breadwinner, provider and stepmum in the space of a few months. I don't think I want to break up but I do want to go back to being just an individual person in with my own space. I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here. They love me, they love our life here and they are settled and very happy. I feel horribly guilty to even have wobbles about my relationship with their dad. I feel horrible about turfing DP out too and think it would damage our relationship perhaps fatally but I just feel like I'm suffocating and I need the situation to change. How do I do the right thing by the kids - can I say it's just him that moves out, and he can still have them here during his contact time?

Please help. What's fair of me to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't remember the last time I was happy.

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 01/09/2021 11:15

How much do you owe his kids?
Nothing, you aren't their mum.
You certainly don't (and shouldn't) feel the need to stay in an unhappy relationship because of trying to avoid unsettling kids who aren't yours.
I can see the point in parents staying together for kids benefit but not step parents.
You are young, do you want kids of your own, is DP in a position to have more children?

Put yourself first.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/09/2021 11:17

And as for unsettling them etc, that's on him when he moved his 3 kids in with his new partner they barely knew. You couldn't have known what it would be like but time would have helped. It's on him that he rushed his kids into this

However i think if you tell him to go, that will be the end.

LadyFannyButton · 01/09/2021 11:17

He is currently in a good financial position

Of course he is, you’re paying for practically everything! No wonder you are feeling resentful.

Plumtree391 · 01/09/2021 11:20

You're only twenty six, have your own house and could look forward to a great future without the complication of a man who has three children.

He has to sort his own life out, you can't do it for him. At the moment he has far less to offer in a relationship than you but his first priority must be his children, then sorting out debts.

Please don't take this on, you really don't know what you are getting into until you do it. I am surprised you two are living together already, the pandemic made 'courting' difficult for most people. I understand falling in love but perhaps you have jumped in too quickly. Look on the step-parenting forum and see how difficult it is, even for older people who have a child of their own, never mind a young, single girl.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/09/2021 11:21

You don’t owe them anything. But if you truly want to be kind then you need to end it as quickly as possible.

Give him 2 weeks to find somewhere else.

You deserve to be happy. If you stay with him it will all end in tears and the kids are far more likely to be damaged

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 01/09/2021 11:25

Also in terms of his children who I'm sure love you and enjoy spending time with you, in the nicest possible way you aren't that important.

Although it seems a big deal children have lots of adults that they like spending time with coming into and out of their lives, a favourite teacher they've spent everyday for a year with, a favourite sports coach or drama teacher they may have seen regularly for years. People move on, the children say good bye, maybe take a gift and eventually they become a memory 'Oh do you remember Mrs Smith I really liked her classes she made me laugh', 'i used to love seeing @hilfehilfehilfe and my friends on her street'. You'll become a good memory of their childhood but there are very few people who are irreplaceable.

Iwonder08 · 01/09/2021 11:26

OMG... Run now, run fast! Still married bloke with 3 small kids and debt. Why you are even contemplating this?! You say you don't want children, but with these 3 you are going to get all the burden of parenthood, like lifestyle limitations, financial responsibilities (even if he pays for them his input into family finances will be limited), tantrums, teenage unpleasantness without any perks of being a parent as unconditional love and fullfilment.
You will always be second priority.
Seriosly, reconsider.

Noshowlomo · 01/09/2021 11:27

Echo the above and to ask, is the house just in your name? You provided the deposit and just you on the mortgage?

bigbaggyeyes · 01/09/2021 11:29

At least you do own the house and it's in your name - that's a great position to be in.

I think he's taking the piss, he's living rent free and is clearing HIS debt. He's also now expecting you to take a parental role in his kids lives - neither of these are a great position to be in

You're young, go and enjoy it, life is way too short to be dealing with this crap, him and his kids at your age

OneAugustNight · 01/09/2021 11:29

I think your feelings are completely understandable and you must be mad putting up with all that when you are so young.

Maskedrevenger · 01/09/2021 11:30

Quite apart from the issue of the children, he isn’t paying off his debt, you are, the only reason he has money available to pay back this debt is because you are paying for most everything. If he was paying a fair share towards the house his kids are living in (when they are with him) he wouldn’t have this money. Also did you get a bigger house than you would need, just for yourself, to accommodate his kids I’m guessing so?

katemuff · 01/09/2021 11:31

Just stop OP, why are you doing this? He's utterly irresponsible and trying to make you responsible for his children and his finances. Do not marry this millstone.

DifferentHair · 01/09/2021 11:31

Good lord.

Do not waste another minute of your 20s on this man!

You've bought your own place at 26, you're a catch! You want your own space- and you can have it.

You're not going to be happy in thus situation. He has so much baggage, he's taking advantage of you financially and he's also trying to push emotional and parenting labour onto you as well. He's using you.

Tell him you need space, you want him to move out. His kids are his problem. It would be a huge mistake to stay in this relationship for their sake. I mean, he didn't stay with their mother for their sake- why should you throw your life away for someone else's kids?

katemuff · 01/09/2021 11:32

And do not let him pay a penny towards your home or you can bet he'll seek a legal claim on it. He sounds awful. Poor kids.

Noshowlomo · 01/09/2021 11:33

What @DifferentHair says is spot on… he didn’t stay with their mother for the kids.. why should you stay with him for the kids. They’re not yours! xx

Debetswell · 01/09/2021 11:34

He's a Cockfosters.
You're an unpaid nanny and house keeper.

Leave.
He's not serious about you.

WaterBottle123 · 01/09/2021 11:34

Ekkk. You're a catch OP. Set yourself free from this life you don't want

Debetswell · 01/09/2021 11:34

Cockfosters!
.Cocklodger

Lockdownbear · 01/09/2021 11:37

I mean, he didn't stay with their mother for their sake- why should you throw your life away for someone else's kids?

Well Said! I was trying to say the same thing but couldn't actually get the words right.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/09/2021 11:38

Crikey you’re giving him a good deal. Free accommodation for him and his kids part time whilst looking after them some of that time in return for 2/3 of the grocery bill. He saw you coming, didn’t he?

Quartz2208 · 01/09/2021 11:41

Put yourself first. This isnt working for you and that is ok. He isnt your responsibility and neither are his children. YOU ARE. And it is clear that you are not happy

Goldbar · 01/09/2021 11:41

This is not going to get better. I think you need to end it.

Apologies if you've already said this, but how much contact time does their dad have with the kids? Is it 50/50? If so, in reality you splitting up with him is not going to completely disrupt their lives as presumably they have a settled home with their mother as well. In any case, ultimately they're not your responsibility.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 01/09/2021 11:44

He has a huge amount of debt that he is - effectively - getting you to contribute to as you're covering most of his living costs. Of course he wants you in more of a step-mother role; you're neatly providing everything he clearly can't be arsed to do himself. In you he's found a neat package of partner, house provider and parent for his children.

Don't let someone else siphon away your life - he's relying on you feeling too guilty to ask him to leave so that the convenience to him doesn't stop.

I would absolutely ask him to leave. No ifs, no buts, no engagement with guilt trips. And if that's the death knell for your relationship, well that tells you that he was less interested in you and more interested in what you could provide.

timeisnotaline · 01/09/2021 11:47

His children have a dad and a mum who both love them, why feel guilty? Most of us only get two parents, and as for the house and the street you say they moved in in may? Literally a few months ago?

You say I’ve made a mistake, I’m sorry but I can’t be what you want me to be, and I can’t do this. I should never have moved in with you until the divorce was in progress and you have to move out again. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a man married to someone else. I don’t want to take over as an extra mum, it just makes me feel like you’re lazy and want me to take the parenting load off you. I resent that you aren’t trying harder to pay off your debt so you can contribute more equally to us. It’s all too much and now you have to leave. I think you should be able to find somewhere by two months from now.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 01/09/2021 11:49

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce.

He's still leaving the door open for his marriage.

Your relationship with this man is not viable until he has actually checked out of his marriage and is prepared to divorce his ex.

Leave him. You are young and life is short. Live your life and enjoy it with a man who is prepared to commit to you.