How much do I owe his kids?

[hilfehilfehilfe]

I am 26. My partner is 32. He earns more than I do but not loads. We have been together since summer 2019. Was not the OW. He has 3 kids from his marriage and they are 5, 7 and 8. I met them Dec 20. I love him a lot but I am starting to feel trapped and unhappy and worried that this is just how my life is going to be forever now. DP is great, thoughtful, supportive and absolutely adores me.

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce. They never communicate so they would have to be very serious for DP to even have heard of his existence. He has done very little research about divorce and is overall just concerned about not being able to afford it. I am unhappy and ashamed of this and have told him so.

He has a large amount of debt (~£15k) that he is paying off in the agreed installments. He has done no research or work to look into paying this off faster.

He doesn't parent as I would want to. I do not want children so this is not as big an issue as it might be. I think he wants a blended family with me taking on more of a step mum role. I feel they have an amazing mum already and him, they do not need a third parent and I am just a nice, safe adult they know well. He resents my attitude on this.

I own and pay for our house entirely by myself. His contribution is he buys 2/3s(ish) of our groceries as he is meant to be clearing his debt. He is currently in a good financial position (i.e. not going into his overdraft each month and living within his paycheque but not able to save etc.). We moved in together into this house May 21. I resent that I bought this house and pay for it alone in order to protect myself in the event of the relationship not working out - but now it isn't really working for me I don't feel like I can ask him to move out as it would completely uproot his life and the childrens'.

I feel like I went from an individual person to a homeowner, breadwinner, provider and stepmum in the space of a few months. I don't think I want to break up but I do want to go back to being just an individual person in with my own space. I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here. They love me, they love our life here and they are settled and very happy. I feel horribly guilty to even have wobbles about my relationship with their dad. I feel horrible about turfing DP out too and think it would damage our relationship perhaps fatally but I just feel like I'm suffocating and I need the situation to change. How do I do the right thing by the kids - can I say it's just him that moves out, and he can still have them here during his contact time?

Please help. What's fair of me to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't remember the last time I was happy.

His children are young and not going anywhere, so this is not going to change for a long time. You are also young, far too young to be sticking with a relationship which doesn't make you happy.

I don't see how you can fix this personally so I would say you need to split up. The kind way to do it would be to give him time to find somewhere else to live which is suitable for him and the kids and give them time to get used to the idea of daddy moving.

If you could click your fingers and make him totally disappear from your life would you do it? If so, that's your answer. It'll be hard for a short time but then you'll have the rest of your life to live.

Ouch. What do YOU get out of this relationship? Are you just fulfilling a deep need to rescue people?

Take a sheet of paper. 3 columns.

1. What do I get out of this relationship
2. What does dp get out of it
3. What do HIS children get out of it.

Do you believe you matter?

Sorry but I got to the bit about his debt and couldn’t read any further.

You’re 26. 26!! Far too young to play stepmum to three young children and be with a guy with so much debt.

Walk away from this, focus on YOUR life and have fun.

Do you have the children full time?

Firstly you owe neither him nor his children anything. You are not married, in fact he is still married to someone else and financially taking advantage of you to enable himself to be in a better financial position. This is not ok.

You sound like a very caring person and seem to care a lot about his children. But they are his children, not yours and due to that fact you have no legal or moral obligation to house them in you’re feeling like this relationship is no longer working for you.
Do not feel guilty, if he is a decent guy he will understand and adequately sort out housing for himself and his kids and respect your wishes.

Currently, what are you actually gaining from this relationship? You’re financially burdened by housing a family you neither chose to have or had any hand in creating, you don’t aspire to be a mother but are inadvertently being pushed into that role, you watch your partner parent in a way you don’t agree with.

You’re young, financially stable and free of any ties… you should be (and deserve to be) with someone who is in a similar position.

You’re very kind to consider allowing him to have contact in your home, but by proxy you will then be treated as the 3rd parent still for all intents and purposes. This will be confusing for the kids.

Your partner needs to step up, grow up and move out. He sounds lazy and unorganised and happy for you to do all the financial grunt work for him… all whilst he floats along blindly, not helping himself and remaining married to another woman.

Come on OP, you can do so much better for yourself. Know your worth

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce. why?! Her life has nothing to do with him!!

Okie dokie. So I may get flamed for this but your partner wants a more blended family because it means he no longer had to carry the burden alone (it seems like a nice thing to do but trust me in long term it can really damage your self worth) . Problem is he is the parent and so is mum and they are the only people with teeth to correct bad behaviour. Rightly or wrongly.
Taking on the step parental role is 100% harder if your parenting conflicts and have your hands tied behind your back. Heck parenting is bad enough with your hands fully working and unrestricted . It's also means sometimes you take on the work with no justification to set limits on behaviour.

I say this as SM and mum, parenting is not for the faint hearted. Step parenting is walking a tightrope, which is controlled at both ends not by you, blindfolded and that's with a partner who's parenting skills align with yours and is supportive.

Watch out for markers which show all signs off him wanting to be rescued, issues with the ex and how he speaks about her (see for yourself not just via him and make a call) usual read flags for a single man double up when it comes to a man with kids.

I think he wants a blended family with me taking on more of a step mum role. I feel they have an amazing mum already and him, they do not need a third parent and I am just a nice, safe adult they know well. He resents my attitude on this.

You're right, he has to go. You owe his children nothing. If you really wanted you could offer 2 months notice for him to find somewhere to live (as long as he is actively looking during that time).

You’re young, financially stable and free of any ties… you should be (and deserve to be) with someone who is in a similar position.

You have no idea how much of a catch you are, do you?

Well hasn't he got it cushy. Conveniently found a woman able to pay for everything and expects her to co parent his children so he can outsource that responsibility too.

Fuck that. You're 26. You're not happy and he is why. Tell him he needs to move out.

Of course he is loving and supportive of you.

He has a really easy life in a house you provide and he pays next to nothing for, and he wants you to step up and be a third parent to his kids too? You're already doing more for them than he is.

You owe him, and his dc nothing at all. You've given plenty and he isn't trying hard to get out of debt and contribute properly.

What does he actually bring to your life op?

The space thing will only get worse as well, when they are teens they will be coming and going as they please and their bedtimes will be late.

You're 26 op, you don't want dc, do you really want to saddle yourself with a freeloader and 3 kids?

Move on
You don’t need the hassle this relationship will bring you

DP is great, thoughtful, supportive

Is he? You've said how you want your life and how you don't want to be a 3rd parent and he 'resents' you for that.

'Resent' is a very strong word. Once that kicks in it is so hard to go back. You deserve happiness, please find it.

You are far too young to throw your life away with this situation! The children will adjust, as children do when they move house.

You are not responsible for him, he is. Well done on keeping mortgage in your name only. I think you need to have a frank discussion with him and let him know you can’t do this forever. Can he afford his own place?

What were you thinking?? 🤦🏻‍♀️ Letting him move in you was nuts!!

I think you’ve made a massive mistake and I think it’s going to be hard to undo it but, if I were you, I would ask him to leave. If you are feeling like you are suffocating so early in the relationship it’s only going to get worse and worse.

You are only 26!

He’s a cook lodger. Sorry.

If he lived alone he’d have to pay rent/bills/food etc… he’s probably saving himself the best part of £1k a month living with you (more if you are down south). You’re also sharing the parenting with him, cooking cleaning tidying sorting fixing etc… so he’s getting a bloody easy ride.

Fuck that. You’re too young to be looking after 3 kids and a man child.

He either needs to contribute equally, and allow you to parent or not in the way you feel is right or he neeeds to move out and stand in his own two feet… I can’t imagine him being particularly keen on this idea for all of the above.

You need to sit down and have a proper chat. Tell him what you want. Your non-negotiables. Compromise on other stuff. If you can’t agree, like with the divorce stuff then he’s telling you exactly how much he values you… you just need to listen. And end the relationship.

He’s got his feet well and truly under the table. Luckily you own the house and have no ties with him financially or any dc with him. Get rid, he’s taking you for a ride.

You are not happy and he is selfish.
It's up to him to organise things for his kids - oh, yes, he thinks you are it.

Let him know how you feel.
If things don't improve, turf him out.

DDs dad is similar, he moved from a crumby one bed flat into his gf lovely 3 bed bungalow. DD enjoys spending time with his gf and much prefers going to his new house. But his gf doesn't owe my Dd anything, if they broke up then her dad would have to move back into a rubbish 1 bed flat and she would not want to sleep overnight but she would still see him. Her dad is university educated choses to work PT in a low paying job even though he could easily earn more. She has stability with me so it wouldn't be the end of the world. Her dad owes her a secure upbringing not his GF. Just as your DP owes his children a stable upbringing and not you.

I wouldn't saddle myself with someone with so much debt, you are 26 and own your own home and clearly responsible. I live on my own and have done for 12 years, there is no way I could live with another adult and their children invading my space so I understand how you feel.

He sounds awful and like a massive cocklodger.

You don't owe him or his kids anything OP. Definitely do NOT say only he moves out and his kids can stay. It's a bit sad for them but you've only been in this relationship for 2 years, it would be absolutely mad to tie yourself to these children forever. It's just one of those things. Let the relationship come to an end, he can sort out accommodation locally if he doesn't want to move the kids from their friends.

I'm afraid you are indeed being taken advantage of, OP.
It's up to you of course, but given that you're unhappy and that this is not what you want you wouldn't be at all unreasonable to ask him to move out, giving him enough time to find another place in the meantime.
You're only 26 and it's very understandable that you don't want to take on this responsibility - it's huge.
And you are utterly correct in saying the children already have two parents, including a great mum, and don't need a third. You could be opening up a while new can of worms -- it's quite likely it won't be plain sailing in future if you do step up to a step-mother role. IMO.

You can't remember the last time you were happy.
That is so sad. I'm sorry that this is your life.
How many more years do you think you want to remain unhappy? 1? 5? 10?

Put yourself first.
You can't live like this.

I think you need some boundaries with him. He sounds pretty passive and like he won't do anything until he is forced to. So you could have a think of what your bottom lines would be and set those out to him. If he made certain changes would you be happy for things to continue?

How long have you been living together? You've been together 2 years, you only met his kids 8 months ago. Who's idea was it that you brought a house he could house his kids in? Where did he live prior to you?