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Step-parenting

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Original poster

CMS and my income

205 replies

BaconAvocado · 29/08/2021 18:51

Hi, does anyone know if there are any circumstances in which CMS would take into account my income for the calculation. DH is on a private arrangement with his ex at the moment and keeps being asked if I can help contribute towards things like school uniform and why he's not paying more as the DSC have told them I've got a new job.

OP posts:
howtodealwithit · 30/08/2021 15:30

@BaconAvocado

DS also won't get much of a loan when he goes to Uni next year due to DH's income.

What? Will my income affect their uni loan?! Oh dear! So they get assessed on 3 adult's wages?!

Nope, only If they live with you. Assessed on 2 parents wage, mine and his step dads. So the fact I'm on MW and his Dad not much better means nothing. As I say, in my case it doesn't matter - DH treats DS as his son so he won't go without (he spoils him more than I do HmmGrin), but for a lot of people that's an issue.
AnneElliott · 30/08/2021 15:30

I don't think your income is her business op and no you shouldn't contribute. And £450 is ok if it's for kids that aren't in nursery. But in my experience the RP gets a very hard deal;

  • paying £800 childcare when the ex paid £200 tops for 2 kids.
  • the ex stopping work and living off the new partner so that no CMS was due.
  • NRP dropping the kids whenever he fancies so that RP has to sort and pay for extra childcare.

Plus of course the new partners in these scenarios have been told that they ex got everything in the divorce - not true. But completely lapped up by new partners who think the dad is a Prince amongst men and dad of the year.

Original poster
BaconAvocado · 30/08/2021 15:35

the ex stopping work and living off the new partner so that no CMS was due. no way I'm letting DH do that unless he has health issues or loses his job.

@howtodealwithit I can see why it's an issue to be honest. I wouldn't be happy to pay for my DSC's uni fees so if they spent most time with us then they'd get less loan than they need as it would only be DH paying. Would make more sense for it to be assessed on both their parent's income. The people who actually created them.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 30/08/2021 15:38

Amen @sassbott - couldn't agree more

Dollyparton3 · 30/08/2021 15:48

[quote BaconAvocado]@Dollyparton3 phew! So they just choose mum's income or dad's income (presumably go for the lowest) and then as long as my money is kept seperate my income won't count.[/quote]
Yep it's just household income, and one household only

howtodealwithit · 30/08/2021 15:50

I don't think they can choose one income, I think it's whoever they live with? Obviously they could choose to move in with their other parent

vivainsomnia · 30/08/2021 16:00

It had nothing to do with luck. I worked FT in stressful jobs taking less than 6 months maternity leave. Constantly running to fit everything in the day.I had little time for myself. I spent very little on myself, my kids were my priority.

LookHerey · 30/08/2021 16:06

My dad on the other hand was already stretched and he spent the little extra he had on doing nice things with us and making his home comfortable for us

So by your logic your very rich SD could have contributed to your Dad's home too. Because they were his wife's children who's other home was stretched and if he had the power to make that better for them I can't see why he wouldn't?

frazzledasarock · 30/08/2021 16:09

OP you sound lovely and your DH sounds like he really does love and care for his DC.

I’d never under any circumstances ever expect ex’s DW to pay for my DC.

I do remember one particularly tough year, I had to go down work hours as my DC really needed me to be around so I was there for school pick ups. And eldest DC’s shoe size changed four times in one school year, that was a pair of black school shoes and trainers and her feet were adult size. I could have wept she outgrew barely worn shoes at £60 a pair. After that I learned to shop online at sportsdirect/mandm direct and supermarkets. Was still v expensive to buy eight pairs of shoes and then DC asked me for shoes to wear outside of school. I told her to wear her school shoes 😆

I think if DH had an ex and DC and we had an amicable relationship I’d be happy to help out. But being expected or actually the ex demanding you fund her lifestyle is laughable. Just. No!

Your DH could have just as easily married someone who wasn’t a high earner the ex wife wouldn’t be subbing her ex if it were that way round.

And also for PP who said men are expected to pay for their dc, no it’s NRP’s who are, same rule applies to women who are not the resident parents.

vivainsomnia · 30/08/2021 16:14

For those talking about housing costs etc for DSC, how often do you read on here about DSC not having their own rooms at the NRP house, how they have to share/bunk down somewhere when they stay, not worth having their own room (sometimes even a proper bed) as they are only there a few days a month. Whereas a RP wouldn’t get away with a spare corner in the lounge for the DC. I know that is not always the case but it is a common theme that crops up on MN
the criticism is usually fired when the nrp and partner decide to extend the family with a 2nd or more kids and the elder kids are left having to share the box room or sleep in the leaving room so that all resident children can have their room instead of considering saving/increasing income to move to another home before adding to the family.

I agree that there are a number of exes who were SAHM or working very PT who see it an entitlement even after separation and therefore expect the ex to continue to pay for their choice of lifetime.

Getawaywithit · 30/08/2021 16:32

thank you for the reminder that I do have no idea what is really happening in her life only what she tells DH and her children pass on to us

Is there any need for that? Because I can assure you that time after time for both myself and several divorced friends, we have endured an ex barking up the wrong bloody tree based on some message the children have half-delivered without fully understanding the situation themselves. And if you think it acceptable that someone in my situation a few years ago, single parent as well only child managing a terrible illness with a beloved parent should put up with a non-maintenance paying ex telling our joint children I’m a ‘fucking lazy bitch’ for reducing my hours, you are very much part of the problem.

Amusing to see you worked part time until recently yet there are posters here beside themselves with those RPs who don’t work or work part time. Yet I presume you had your reasons for doing so, without judgement, because what would I know about your life and how things might have been working for you?

Woodmarsh · 30/08/2021 16:34

@AnneElliott projecting a lot there

toomuchlaundry · 30/08/2021 16:38

If NRP expect RP to work more hours instead of asking for more money from them, do they then help with additional childcare costs especially during school holidays (or having the DC after school or in the holiday more)?

Getawaywithit · 30/08/2021 17:05

Lol @toomuchlaundry of course not. For the majority anyway. I am sure there are some happy to share the load.

Original poster
BaconAvocado · 30/08/2021 17:10

Is there any need for that? Because I can assure you that time after time for both myself and several divorced friends, we have endured an ex barking up the wrong bloody tree based on some message the children have half-delivered without fully understanding the situation themselves

Hang on what? I'm agreeing with you? I only know what she has told DH and the kids have passed on to us and yes I agree they are probably not the most reliable source of info! I have never said you're lazy or a bitch. I'm so confused as to where you have taken offence as I really meant to thank you for pointing out I don't know the whole story!

OP posts:
Original poster
BaconAvocado · 30/08/2021 17:16

I'm out of here. This place is too much for me. I just thanked someone for their reminder that I don't know the whole story and get told there's no need for that. I'm so confused. All I've done is try to do the right thing and find out what is fair. What other people do. I've tried to answer questions honestly and say it's none of my business what mum does and so I think what I do shouldn't be my business. I'm only talking about it on here to try and be fair. Thanks for those that helped me see all sides of the argument but I'm gone.

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 30/08/2021 17:18

@toomuchlaundry

If NRP expect RP to work more hours instead of asking for more money from them, do they then help with additional childcare costs especially during school holidays (or having the DC after school or in the holiday more)?
I mean, if looking after your child and working is too much, you could always offer more time to the other parent. I mean, that never happens though does it.
AnneElliott · 30/08/2021 17:35

No not really @Woodmarsh. DH and I are still together and I have no skin in the game personally. But I've seen several friends shafted by their exes - aided and abetted by the new partners who think that what the ex says is absolutely true. Which is odd when they're a cheater - and so by definition a liar.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 30/08/2021 17:38

@AnneElliott

No not really *@Woodmarsh*. DH and I are still together and I have no skin in the game personally. But I've seen several friends shafted by their exes - aided and abetted by the new partners who think that what the ex says is absolutely true. Which is odd when they're a cheater - and so by definition a liar.
Yeah, so therefore all exs must be like that Hmm it's still projecting
BungleandGeorge · 30/08/2021 17:41

@BaconAvocado

I'm out of here. This place is too much for me. I just thanked someone for their reminder that I don't know the whole story and get told there's no need for that. I'm so confused. All I've done is try to do the right thing and find out what is fair. What other people do. I've tried to answer questions honestly and say it's none of my business what mum does and so I think what I do shouldn't be my business. I'm only talking about it on here to try and be fair. Thanks for those that helped me see all sides of the argument but I'm gone.
Ignore, some on here will swear black is white! You sound very reasonable to me and the payment offer is very reasonable too
EL8888 · 30/08/2021 17:47

Amused by the brass neck of the ex. A CMS arrangement does seem the best way. I wouldn’t dignify her questions for you to contribute, with an explanation or justification. Can’t the lazy cow work more?! They aren’t your children. Her sense of entitlement is truly impressive

Booknooks · 30/08/2021 17:52

@BaconAvocado

I'm out of here. This place is too much for me. I just thanked someone for their reminder that I don't know the whole story and get told there's no need for that. I'm so confused. All I've done is try to do the right thing and find out what is fair. What other people do. I've tried to answer questions honestly and say it's none of my business what mum does and so I think what I do shouldn't be my business. I'm only talking about it on here to try and be fair. Thanks for those that helped me see all sides of the argument but I'm gone.
It's just the bitter ex wives club OP, they like to stick the boot in, nothing you have said is unreasonable.
harriethoyle · 30/08/2021 18:16

@BaconAvocado ignore the bitter exes, swearing black is white. They're not even worth engaging with!

Original poster
BaconAvocado · 30/08/2021 18:22

I know I flounced but I got notifications.

I just said thank you.

I am a person. Trying to do my best. You don't know me. It may be cheesy but #bekind.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 30/08/2021 18:23

@BaconAvocado Flowers

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