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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Aibu

205 replies

Downandfrustrated · 29/08/2021 17:39

I'm just wondering really how other women cope with step kids?

I am just really struggling atm. We have been together 2 years nearly however still living separate. I very much doubt we will move in anytime soon as I am clearing debt my ex had left and due to childcare my hours are now reduced to 16. I get UC and I can afford to live comfortably and be able to do stuff with my kids currently if we moved in I would lose all my UC. I earn £650 a month so I'll be losing £1500 a month. I understand that thus means he should pay however he has his children 2 nights a week and pays Csa. He doesn't have the disposable income to then cover what I lose from UC so living seperate he bernricial.
We tend to spend 5 out of 7 nights together between our houses. But now I feel selfish that on his two days he has his kids I just feel very pushed to the side, I understand he has them two days a week but today for example we all went to the beach and went on the bus (he hasn't got W car and er wouldn't all fit in mine) he came to sit with me on the bus and the daughter throws a fit that he has to sit next to her, so I got a bit stroppy and sat in my own. Tonight will now be my night I don't see him, so they will have him all night cuddles on sofa for their film like they do every night, I can't even hold his hand in the street she then fights for it, but she is also like it when I'm not around. Aibu to just feel that I am a inconvenience or unwanted when they are around? The parents have been split nearly 6 years. Personally I feel a lot is to do with him as they have their own everything and don't share it with anyone and he won't change meal times or anything if we have guests and we have the kids. I am just I dunno perhaps fed up that if we lived together I know once they were in bed we would have us time. I have suffered badly with depression and anxiety so I do feel perhaps this isn't helping they way I feel, but what can I say to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Downandfrustrated · 01/09/2021 06:07

@Oswin not quite sure what your implying tbh. I am new here.

Our kids will go off and play or my two
Children sit together on the bus in front of us. Kids are always watched please don't ever think they aren't. I am just not a helicopter parent which I think he is perhaps. I am working on trying to not let it bother me too much.

OP posts:
LoulaJ · 01/09/2021 08:30

@choli

Haven't rtft so it might have moved on but ... it is beyond strange that he won't show any affection towards you in front of his kids but will in front of yours. That stood out to me as very odd indeed. He cares if his kids are embarrassed, the OP doesn't care if hers are .

Is there any evidence that his kids are "embarrassed"? Apologies if I missed that part.

LoulaJ · 01/09/2021 08:34

It's a case if we went swimming last week, they were doing their own thing so I simply went to give him a hug and kiss in the pool and his response was 'I have the girls'.. but he will do it in front of mine.

Here's OP's quote re showing affection around his kids. I don't see any reference to his kids being embarrassed.

Miniroofbox · 01/09/2021 08:49

Hugging and kissing in a public pool is grim and inappropriate . Regardless of whether or not his kids are embarrassed by it.

aSofaNearYou · 01/09/2021 08:51

@Miniroofbox

Hugging and kissing in a public pool is grim and inappropriate . Regardless of whether or not his kids are embarrassed by it.
If you say so, sounds totally arbitrary and made up to me.
Miniroofbox · 01/09/2021 08:55

Used to be up on a sign at the side of the local pool. I haven’t been since lockdowns but it was part of a cartoon sign and said no petting. And there was a couple canoodling.

So it’s clearly not just me.

Miniroofbox · 01/09/2021 08:56

This sort of thing.

Aibu
aSofaNearYou · 01/09/2021 08:57

@Miniroofbox

Used to be up on a sign at the side of the local pool. I haven’t been since lockdowns but it was part of a cartoon sign and said no petting. And there was a couple canoodling.

So it’s clearly not just me.

I mean, it makes sense that they want to avoid people having sex in there. But there is absolutely nothing more gross about a couple having a kiss/hug in a pool than there would be in any other location. Why would there be?
LoulaJ · 01/09/2021 09:04

@Miniroofbox

Hugging and kissing in a public pool is grim and inappropriate . Regardless of whether or not his kids are embarrassed by it.

😂 I'm sure the OP isn't having a full on canoodling session ffs. I don't think most people could get het up about a little hug and peck in the pool. And besides, that's not the partner's reason, is it? He didn't tell the OP "we can't hug as it's against the rules in a public pool". He said "I have the girls", whilst the girls were in the OP's words engaged in their own play. It's odd.

LoulaJ · 01/09/2021 09:04

@aSofaNearYou exactly!

dreamcup · 01/09/2021 11:30

Nobody's getting her up about a cuddle or a quick peck....But the fact it's such a massive deal to OP smacks of insecurity to me.

That combined with being jealous of her DP sitting next to his dd on a bus or sitting on a couch watching a film without her is quite extreme.

She has way more time with her DP than his DCs do yet she is jealous and turning it into a competition that she will never win (and shouldn't imho)

She's the adult and is acting more spoiled and jealous than the DC's who don't get much time with him as it is

aSofaNearYou · 01/09/2021 11:56

@dreamcup

Nobody's getting her up about a cuddle or a quick peck....But the fact it's such a massive deal to OP smacks of insecurity to me.

That combined with being jealous of her DP sitting next to his dd on a bus or sitting on a couch watching a film without her is quite extreme.

She has way more time with her DP than his DCs do yet she is jealous and turning it into a competition that she will never win (and shouldn't imho)

She's the adult and is acting more spoiled and jealous than the DC's who don't get much time with him as it is

Well actually it sounds like she's being about as, or slightly less spoiled and jealous than the DCs. I'm not saying OP doesn't have an element of jealousy and insecurity going on but she did say in her OP that his daughter does not allow them near each other. She is behaving in a jealous manner and that is no doubt a big part of OPs issue, that is being totally glossed over by posters.

OP would be a fool to continue in this relationship and escalate to blaming the kids, but ultimately I don't think it's at all surprising that she would find it impossible to reconcile herself to a relationship where she only ever saw her partner post 10pm, and with his kids who are hostile to them showing any affection (as is he).

LoulaJ · 01/09/2021 12:16

Nobody's getting her up about a cuddle or a quick peck....But the fact it's such a massive deal to OP smacks of insecurity to me.

It's not a massive deal to the OP. It's a massive deal to the partner who can't show affection to OP because "I have the kids". That's silly and strange IMO. If my partner refused to show any affection that he would otherwise show towards me simply because he had his kids there, I'd be seeing this a huge red flag. It's almost as though he doesn't want to risk making his kids feel jealous of his new relationship, which is a strange and unhealthy way to tip toe around kids IMO. He needs to work on showing them that there is plenty of love for them as well as adult love for another person. It's different and he needs to show them that.

LoulaJ · 01/09/2021 12:24

I don't think it's at all surprising that she would find it impossible to reconcile herself to a relationship where she only ever saw her partner post 10pm, and with his kids who are hostile to them showing any affection (as is he).

No me neither. I couldn't be in a relationship like this, not a chance

KylieKoKo · 01/09/2021 15:58

@LoulaJ

I don't think it's at all surprising that she would find it impossible to reconcile herself to a relationship where she only ever saw her partner post 10pm, and with his kids who are hostile to them showing any affection (as is he).

No me neither. I couldn't be in a relationship like this, not a chance

I agree with this.

The children are a bit of a red herring here. This man is not making any time to nurture his relationship.

KylieKoKo · 01/09/2021 16:01

If my partner refused to show any affection that he would otherwise show towards me simply because he had his kids there, I'd be seeing this a huge red flag

I would too. It's weird and it would give the impression that he saw us as competition to each other which is not a healthy dynamic.

Starrynight468 · 01/09/2021 16:18

The biggest issue imo is that ops dps dd is feeling insecure and jealous and instead of the dp dealing with that he's pandering to it. What he should be doing is reading bedtime stories, keeping to boundaries and showing his dd that he loves her and that his love will never change even though he's met someone else. Any woman would feel rejected when they're actually being rejected. Op you haven't got anything wrong with you.

You have a dp problem, not a step dc problem. Your dp has a problem with his dd and he's not dealing with it.

sandragreen · 01/09/2021 19:58

This sounds like too much hard work to me.

Thatsplentyjack · 01/09/2021 20:50

OP you are too insecure and jealous to go out with a man who has children. Find someone who doesn't.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/09/2021 21:33

Tbh if he's working 14 hour days so 70 hour weeks and then has his kids the two days hes off where he likes to keep you at arms length, i think it might be time to consider if this is really worth it. He gets to you for say 10.30, dinner and sex and bed by midnight, up at 6 and out for 7.30. and that's being generous

timeisnotaline · 01/09/2021 22:35

@SleepingStandingUp

Tbh if he's working 14 hour days so 70 hour weeks and then has his kids the two days hes off where he likes to keep you at arms length, i think it might be time to consider if this is really worth it. He gets to you for say 10.30, dinner and sex and bed by midnight, up at 6 and out for 7.30. and that's being generous
This, and to help him parent on the weekends.
Plumtree391 · 01/09/2021 23:19

Downandfrustrated, all you have to do is see him less when he has his children. You'll still see plenty of each other and appreciate your time together more.

user47899335 · 02/09/2021 04:59

@bogoffmda

Am more shocked that you have 2930 pcm and 2200 comes fro the tax payer. That is the equivalent income of a salary of £46000

This country has completely lost a sense of reality

Quit your job and claim benefits then.
user47899335 · 02/09/2021 05:37

@converseandjeans

downandfrustrated

bogoffmda I get £2390 a month.

£1640 is from tax payer as you put it as £1500 UC £140 CB. I have contributed and paid tax for the last 11 years and unfortunately need it atm

Not the point of the thread but your UC is more than my teaching salary.

I don't think it's a good idea to move your partner in. You can't expect him to make up the difference.

People are bashing OP but many men on good salaries get to leave and hand over financial responsibility to the state. The father only contributing £100/month is pathetic.

It's depressing to think of all the hours people have to work to earn £1640. It does seem generous.

You can also quit your job and claim benefits.
aSofaNearYou · 02/09/2021 08:26

@Plumtree391

Downandfrustrated, all you have to do is see him less when he has his children. You'll still see plenty of each other and appreciate your time together more.
It doesn't sound like the would see plenty of each other. His work does not allow time for a meaningful relationship outside of his contact time.
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