Aibu

[Downandfrustrated]

I'm just wondering really how other women cope with step kids?

I am just really struggling atm. We have been together 2 years nearly however still living separate. I very much doubt we will move in anytime soon as I am clearing debt my ex had left and due to childcare my hours are now reduced to 16. I get UC and I can afford to live comfortably and be able to do stuff with my kids currently if we moved in I would lose all my UC. I earn £650 a month so I'll be losing £1500 a month. I understand that thus means he should pay however he has his children 2 nights a week and pays Csa. He doesn't have the disposable income to then cover what I lose from UC so living seperate he bernricial.
We tend to spend 5 out of 7 nights together between our houses. But now I feel selfish that on his two days he has his kids I just feel very pushed to the side, I understand he has them two days a week but today for example we all went to the beach and went on the bus (he hasn't got W car and er wouldn't all fit in mine) he came to sit with me on the bus and the daughter throws a fit that he has to sit next to her, so I got a bit stroppy and sat in my own. Tonight will now be my night I don't see him, so they will have him all night cuddles on sofa for their film like they do every night, I can't even hold his hand in the street she then fights for it, but she is also like it when I'm not around. Aibu to just feel that I am a inconvenience or unwanted when they are around? The parents have been split nearly 6 years. Personally I feel a lot is to do with him as they have their own everything and don't share it with anyone and he won't change meal times or anything if we have guests and we have the kids. I am just I dunno perhaps fed up that if we lived together I know once they were in bed we would have us time. I have suffered badly with depression and anxiety so I do feel perhaps this isn't helping they way I feel, but what can I say to him.

I don't think you understand what I'm getting at that, you get £2390 a month when many who alot more hours don't even get that you only earn £650 working I'm not surprised you dont want to move in.

I think it is absolutely fair that for the two days a week he has his DC they have his undivided attention. However, I think his inflexibility with other things is a red flag eg. You all go on holiday for 5 days when you and your DC could go for 10, won't leave a weekend away early to get back for DC so you don't get one at all, accepting the ex not letting him take them abroad until she can afford to do it first, etc.

All of that would indicate to me that I was fitted in when convenient, which could be fuelling the feelings about being pushed aside. Maybe some effort in other ways would mean those two days didn't seem like an issue.

IME blending families is really hard and ultimately not worth the effort.

so I simply went to give him a hug and kiss in the pool

Simply? You sound like a teenager wanting the world to know you've got your man.

@Bananarama21

I think that's still crazy to have 400 disposal income to pay off a debt when you effectively earn 650. I think this is why it gets peoples back up with the benefit system because many who work don't have 400 spare like that.

I certainly don't! Dh & I work close to 80 hrs between us a week. I love our benefits system but I can totally understand the hatred it creates when you read of someone working 16 hrs and having £400 surplus at the end of the month.

@CorianderBee

Jesus, you work 16hrs a week and earn over £600 more than I do working a 45hr work week...

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

OP is your youngest not starting school in September?
Can you work through school hours (9-5, 8 hours x 5 = 40)?
That would keep you busy also.

I don't think this relationship is for you. You both have too different an outlook.

Obviously I know it'll be going down as they reduce the £80 a month, but I suppose I am really frugal in things I don't buy designer shoes or clothes we settle with primark and we don't have the beating on continuous etc . I don't use a tumble dryer; I wish I could be back at work more I really do, I actually got more money working more with UC, u fortunately it's not my fault whst they have said I am entitled too; I don't also like to rely on the £100 maintenance as they can be hit and miss. I've never worked this less in all the years I have been working: it's hard been more of a stay at home parent and working less!

@user47899335 I live quite rural town so work takes me 20 minutes to get to and finishes at 3.20. I will be looking into after school clubs do they could stay later and also a babysitter for the evenings: but the I still have to consider jr we all moved in together yes I am working more but I won't get any UC and no help back with childcare costs so will need to properly figure it out x

Clearly some are determined to turn this into a benefit bashing thread

Benefits exist, this isn’t news to anyone. if you’re jealous- quit your job and claim them. If that doesn’t sound appealing, what the hell are you jealous of?

OP is a single parent of a 4 and 6 year old. She works between 16-23 hours a week. There are plenty of SAHPs of children that age. It’s really not absurd that she works part time.

@pinkyredrose

so I simply went to give him a hug and kiss in the pool

Simply? You sound like a teenager wanting the world to know you've got your man.

I think people are being overly harsh about the pool thing. It really depends on the passion level of the kissing and cuddling, I'd think nothing of giving my DP a peck as I passed, we do this all the time. Especially when you're just hovering around while kids have fun so a bit bored. I don't think it's necessarily as weird as people are saying it is.

Can you work through school hours (9-5, 8 hours x 5 = 40)?

What school do your DC attend for 8 hours a day?

OP you need to put moving in with him out of your head altogether. That’s the last thing you need to be doing. You’re nowhere near emotionally ready to be living with him.

@aSofaNearYou I'm not expecting anything big and dramatic. My just a quick kiss and like one of those from behind hugs as your watching the kids. Just a little something.

All I want is help to just process it more is all.

I really don't think thats too much to ask OP. My dh has the nrp guilt but still hugs and kisses me in front of dss. A behind hug and kiss isn't odd, having a dry humping session whilst snogging would be odd and territorial, but that's not what you said.

[quote Downandfrustrated]@aSofaNearYou I'm not expecting anything big and dramatic. My just a quick kiss and like one of those from behind hugs as your watching the kids. Just a little something.

All I want is help to just process it more is all. [/quote]
That's not all you're looking for tho. You don't want your DP to sit next to his daughter on a bus, or having a movie night cuddling his kids on the sofa as you feel left out.
You actually sound like you need some help dealing with your feelings over this as it isn't normal and isn't sustainable

@dreamcup it is normal though. Get the stepmonster book OP as it shows you are completely normal to feel this way.

Happy blended families work when everyone feels included and no one feels jealous and left out (inc dc).

I definitely wouldn’t want to move in for a while, and I wouldn’t move in unless there was some evidence that you could occasionally be the one who matters- you cant live with a man and always be last on his list. His dc get all his fun time, and when people say you get 5 nights a week you get what awake time he has after finishing work at 10pm. That’s not quality time.

@Bananarama21

I think that's still crazy to have 400 disposal income to pay off a debt when you effectively earn 650. I think this is why it gets peoples back up with the benefit system because many who work don't have 400 spare like that.

I never understand these comments - if you look at 2 families, if both have 2 children and one is working and not eligible for universal credit then they will have more money than the person qualifying for universal credit (the only way they could have less money would be due to qualifying for it but not claiming it)

Universal credit works on a staggered system where payment reduces by 60p per £1 earnt, so someone earning too much to qualify or someone earning more and so qualifying for less UC will still always be better off than someone earning a lower wage and on UC.

OP I think you need some perspective. The fact that your boyfriend didn't want to kiss and cuddle in a public swimming pool doesn't surprise me at all, it's a bit odd. Next time you go swimming look around at how many couples are kissing in the pool, I'm willing to bet there's none.

OP I think you need some perspective. The fact that your boyfriend didn't want to kiss and cuddle in a public swimming pool doesn't surprise me at all, it's a bit odd.

I agree. This is fine if the two of you are on a couples day out, but not with the kids. It can be uncomfortable.

[quote Downandfrustrated]@aSofaNearYou I'm not expecting anything big and dramatic. My just a quick kiss and like one of those from behind hugs as your watching the kids. Just a little something.

All I want is help to just process it more is all. [/quote]
Dear god, please leave this relationship for the sake of those kids.
Are you 13?

Just saw your income. Definitely don't loose your benefits if you can help it, you earn shit loads more than me - I'm jealous!

Anyway, I think tone down the PDAs when the kids are involved and just be around but in a non kissy kissy way. They will be more likely to just see you as a friend that way and not a competitor for their attention.

That's not all you're looking for tho. You don't want your DP to sit next to his daughter on a bus, or having a movie night cuddling his kids on the sofa as you feel left out.
You actually sound like you need some help dealing with your feelings over this as it isn't normal and isn't sustainable

I think this is a really one sided way of looking at it. Yes OP seems to be growing a level of resentment for the time he spends with his kids. Misdirected, yes, but I don't think it's totally surprising given how little time he seems to have for the relationship, I think it's an inevitable side effect of the relationship not really working in terms of available time. However, beyond that, from OPs description it sounds like the daughter is the one pulling strips about OP being near her boyfriend. This is something that's being overlooked and that would naturally put strain on the situation.

but my youngest sons dad doesn't always have him the Friday aswell as the Saturday,

Your two boys have different dads?

Sorry if I missed it, but why are you only getting £100 maintenance a month?

Absolutely don’t live together as you would lose your financial stability as a lone parent. Don’t merge finances in any way and maintain separate homes. And try to empathise with his kids who will feel like they are competing for their fathers attention. Give them time on their own with him and you spend time with your own kids. Living together and blending families is overrated and just a leads to tensions. Saying that may couples can be happy ‘living apart, together’.