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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Aibu

205 replies

Downandfrustrated · 29/08/2021 17:39

I'm just wondering really how other women cope with step kids?

I am just really struggling atm. We have been together 2 years nearly however still living separate. I very much doubt we will move in anytime soon as I am clearing debt my ex had left and due to childcare my hours are now reduced to 16. I get UC and I can afford to live comfortably and be able to do stuff with my kids currently if we moved in I would lose all my UC. I earn £650 a month so I'll be losing £1500 a month. I understand that thus means he should pay however he has his children 2 nights a week and pays Csa. He doesn't have the disposable income to then cover what I lose from UC so living seperate he bernricial.
We tend to spend 5 out of 7 nights together between our houses. But now I feel selfish that on his two days he has his kids I just feel very pushed to the side, I understand he has them two days a week but today for example we all went to the beach and went on the bus (he hasn't got W car and er wouldn't all fit in mine) he came to sit with me on the bus and the daughter throws a fit that he has to sit next to her, so I got a bit stroppy and sat in my own. Tonight will now be my night I don't see him, so they will have him all night cuddles on sofa for their film like they do every night, I can't even hold his hand in the street she then fights for it, but she is also like it when I'm not around. Aibu to just feel that I am a inconvenience or unwanted when they are around? The parents have been split nearly 6 years. Personally I feel a lot is to do with him as they have their own everything and don't share it with anyone and he won't change meal times or anything if we have guests and we have the kids. I am just I dunno perhaps fed up that if we lived together I know once they were in bed we would have us time. I have suffered badly with depression and anxiety so I do feel perhaps this isn't helping they way I feel, but what can I say to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Downandfrustrated · 30/08/2021 15:48

@excelledyourself my youngest dad isn't paying and we are waiting for csa x

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 30/08/2021 16:06

What's his reasoning for that?

Original poster
Downandfrustrated · 30/08/2021 16:22

Keeps quitting jobs and moving wherever his gf goes so csa keeps having to wait for a pay slip

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 30/08/2021 16:51

Oh dear.

And is your youngest his only child? Once they track him down do you expect to get decent CMS from him?

girlmom21 · 30/08/2021 17:37

I agree not to move in with him. Not only because you're clearly not emotionally ready to be a step parent but more because you'll be much worse off financially.

Original poster
Downandfrustrated · 30/08/2021 17:47

@excelledyourself nope one of 3.. I doubt it as he doesn't exactly work many hours x

OP posts:
bogoffmda · 30/08/2021 18:04

Am more shocked that you have 2930 pcm and 2200 comes fro the tax payer.
That is the equivalent income of a salary of £46000

This country has completely lost a sense of reality

Original poster
Downandfrustrated · 30/08/2021 18:10

@bogoffmda I get £2390 a month.

£1640 is from tax payer as you put it as £1500 UC £140 CB. I have contributed and paid tax for the last 11 years and unfortunately need it atm

OP posts:
Belle96 · 30/08/2021 18:17

Yes you are being unreasonable, he has children. If you're not willing to give up your benefits only see him on the days he doesn't have them

Belle96 · 30/08/2021 18:20

Ive just read the whole thread.....im off to give up my full time job!! Entitled and then moaning about this. Im flabagasted!!!

dreamcup · 30/08/2021 18:22

@Downandfrustrated

Keeps quitting jobs and moving wherever his gf goes so csa keeps having to wait for a pay slip
None of this makes any sense. Your ex keeps moving and nobody knows where he is?? But he consistently has your DC for the weekend?
dreamcup · 30/08/2021 18:23

@Belle96

Ive just read the whole thread.....im off to give up my full time job!! Entitled and then moaning about this. Im flabagasted!!!
Exactly. I'm working full time and she's better off than me! (Including csa payments from my ex, not the taxpayer)
Original poster
Downandfrustrated · 30/08/2021 18:28

@dreamcup keeps moving jobs, thought that was clearer sorry; he moved jobs when the gf does. They got together via an affair and they don't trust each other W great deal

OP posts:
dreamcup · 30/08/2021 18:29

[quote Downandfrustrated]@dreamcup keeps moving jobs, thought that was clearer sorry; he moved jobs when the gf does. They got together via an affair and they don't trust each other W great deal [/quote]
But why is he having contact if he's not paying csa payments?

dreamcup · 30/08/2021 18:30

And why does he need to maybe jobs to stay with his partner? That's why assumed you meant houses

Name12341 · 30/08/2021 19:11

@Belle96

Ive just read the whole thread.....im off to give up my full time job!! Entitled and then moaning about this. Im flabagasted!!!
If this post is making your wage seem low then you're probably entitled to universal credit too.

However considering you're only working about 21.5 hours more than OP a week if you're working a standard 37.5 hour week and seem to not be entitled then you're likely on a much higher salary and income than her..

MrsRobbieHart · 30/08/2021 19:15

None of this makes any sense. Your ex keeps moving and nobody knows where he is?? But he consistently has your DC for the weekend?

Have you considered actually reading the OPs posts?

Original poster
Downandfrustrated · 30/08/2021 19:20

@dreamcup
I am not going to stop my child having contact with his dad and seeing his far just because he doesn't pay csa, it's not my child's fault his dad doesn't pay so he shouldn't be punished for it. He adores his dad and jr would be wrong:

He moves jobs to go with her because we all worked together, she has a reputation and slept with several staff and customers regardless of whether they had partners: he and her had an affair and now the only place he has to go is live at her house with her family as he has no family around. He had openly admitted to me and his other children's mother they are finding trust hard and trusting each other so that's why they are working together abs they do the same shifts

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 30/08/2021 19:37

So you've been a step parent yourself? He has two older kids?

Original poster
Downandfrustrated · 30/08/2021 19:41

Yes I have been a step parent before, and I still have contact with them. They come and stay occasionally. But it never felt as difficult as this time hence the advice needed

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 30/08/2021 20:06

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dreamcup · 30/08/2021 20:28

[quote Downandfrustrated]@dreamcup
I am not going to stop my child having contact with his dad and seeing his far just because he doesn't pay csa, it's not my child's fault his dad doesn't pay so he shouldn't be punished for it. He adores his dad and jr would be wrong:

He moves jobs to go with her because we all worked together, she has a reputation and slept with several staff and customers regardless of whether they had partners: he and her had an affair and now the only place he has to go is live at her house with her family as he has no family around. He had openly admitted to me and his other children's mother they are finding trust hard and trusting each other so that's why they are working together abs they do the same shifts [/quote]
That's true the child shouldn't suffer. I just thought it might force his hand.

My ex is a complete and utter nightmare in some respects but would never do anything to jeopardise his contact so even a threat of that would be enough to make sure he paid csa

Original poster
Downandfrustrated · 30/08/2021 20:30

I am unsure who you seem to think I am? I am a first time user on the site, just looking for advice. I never said my eldest dad had an affair my second child's dad did, he always held a job down when we were together. Only lately he isn't now he's with the new woman:

I am really confused tbh.. yes I worked in hospitality but so does many other people: all I have asked for is advice not o be made to feel
Even xrapper

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 30/08/2021 20:40

This reply has been deleted

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KylieKoKo · 30/08/2021 22:11

@CorianderBee

Jesus, you work 16hrs a week and earn over £600 more than I do working a 45hr work week...
Time for a new job then @CorianderBee?
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