Aibu

[Downandfrustrated]

I'm just wondering really how other women cope with step kids?

I am just really struggling atm. We have been together 2 years nearly however still living separate. I very much doubt we will move in anytime soon as I am clearing debt my ex had left and due to childcare my hours are now reduced to 16. I get UC and I can afford to live comfortably and be able to do stuff with my kids currently if we moved in I would lose all my UC. I earn £650 a month so I'll be losing £1500 a month. I understand that thus means he should pay however he has his children 2 nights a week and pays Csa. He doesn't have the disposable income to then cover what I lose from UC so living seperate he bernricial.
We tend to spend 5 out of 7 nights together between our houses. But now I feel selfish that on his two days he has his kids I just feel very pushed to the side, I understand he has them two days a week but today for example we all went to the beach and went on the bus (he hasn't got W car and er wouldn't all fit in mine) he came to sit with me on the bus and the daughter throws a fit that he has to sit next to her, so I got a bit stroppy and sat in my own. Tonight will now be my night I don't see him, so they will have him all night cuddles on sofa for their film like they do every night, I can't even hold his hand in the street she then fights for it, but she is also like it when I'm not around. Aibu to just feel that I am a inconvenience or unwanted when they are around? The parents have been split nearly 6 years. Personally I feel a lot is to do with him as they have their own everything and don't share it with anyone and he won't change meal times or anything if we have guests and we have the kids. I am just I dunno perhaps fed up that if we lived together I know once they were in bed we would have us time. I have suffered badly with depression and anxiety so I do feel perhaps this isn't helping they way I feel, but what can I say to him.

Btw I think kissing and cuddling in the swimming pool is really weird. I’ve never seen a couple doing that.

@sowhatsnext my kids get my undivided attention all the time, when I'm not working, they have me all evening until they go to bed because he doesn't finish until 10. And every other weekend they are at their dads so like when we went swimming I didn't have my kids. But my kids are a lot more independent than his and are happy sitting and talking together o the bus and playing. His children are 10 and 8 mine are 6 and 4, yet mine are a lot more self sufficient. I unfortunately think he has major guilt he doesn't have them full time so does everything for them but that's also how we parent. My 6 year old runs their bath (our water isn't hot) and he likes to sort their morning breakfast etc. He can get himself a drink etc whereas his can't.

@MrsRobbieHart my kids get my full attention every night they are home. 12 out of 14. It's just me and the kids until they go bed as he doesn't finish work until 10 :)

There are two issues here. How your relationship is progressing emotionally and financially.

Financially, you need to plan how you could make it work if/when you were to move together. It will come down to him either being happy for you to continue to work only 16h and paying for everything in addition to what you could contribute, or you supporting yourself and children by going to work FT if/when your kids are at school. How old are they?

Emotionally, you should be starting to discuss how you envisage the future. Does he see you moving in together? If so, at what stage? How do you plan to introduce you more into their lives than just going on the occasional trip and how do your kids envisage living with him and his kids? And vice versa.

As others have said, it is not looking good at the moment. His kids are clearly use to having his full attention and needing/expecting it. He seems happy with this status quo. You on the opposite come across as quite needy and indeed, put yourself as a object of competition. It's possible that this is why their kids are reacting as they are, unconsciously fighting back for their place. It's possible your OH is also picking up on your need for extra attention when he is with his kids and is over compensating.

One sure thing, whatever you do, it will need to be a very slow process, with a lot of listening to others' needs and discussing compromises. Do not move in with him unless you feel 100% that the dynamic of the future family has been discussed and agreed in detail. It will only turn into a disaster otherwise and you will be partly to blame for not having iron it all out first.

Right, so if your children have you all to themselves and get your full attention, which you seem quite smug about, why do you think it’s fine for you not only to muscle in on his children’s limited time with their father but to sulk like a toddler when his child wants his attention while you’re there? You object to him telling you his daughters are there so don’t kiss and cuddle but you insist your own dc have your full attention.

Can’t you see how utterly unfair you are being?

OP:

1. It sounds like he is treading on eggshells around the children, to protect them from your relationship. This is quite common in the early stages, it takes time for kids to adjust, I know I experienced it with my step children.

1. It doesn’t sound like he gets a lot of time with them, and I think you need to unpick that with him a bit. At the end of the day working 8am -10pm is demanding, the kids are demanding and then you’re creating other demands like a weekend away. I think you’re going to overwhelm the situation.

1. On the weekend away or the kids coming first - that’s just parenting. You can read so many threads on here about the demands of children on time. It’s not just a you thing. As they get older it does become easier but at their ages that’s not straightforward.

1. The swimming pool. I feel like you’re confusing different things here. His mindset is he has taken the kids swimming and your mindset is you’re going to have a kiss and cuddle in the pool. It’s just ick.

OP I think, you need to slow down. You’re talking about moving in and by the sounds of it his head is in a different gear.

You’re getting into a turf war with an 8yo. Take a look at yourself.

I think you need to give his children the respect you give your own and allow them their fathers undivided attention when they are there. That means you shouldn’t be there when they are. You have him the other 5 nights a week.

I'm sorry op but kissing and cuddling in the pool is OTT, it's something teenagers would do especially with other families and kids about, I'm not surprised he said no its not really appropriate behaviour.

You sound jealous of his dd and massively needy having a strop over her wanting to sit with her dad. It's 18 months and there's been numberous lockdowns.

I think you need to stay away and focus on your dc and allow him to spend time away from you with his dc. You could be reported for benefit fraud if your staying 5/7 nights.

@MrsRobbieHart I'm not smug about it, but I don't want people saying I am neglecting my kids was all 🤦🏻‍♀️ in the mornings they don't have every second as we sit and have coffee for 10 minutes before he leaves. And when we do days out with vue kids then they don't get all my attention, they are just accepting to share me is all. But as you said maybe it's because I have more nights with them:

@vivainsomnia
So financially right now I am oayimg out £400 on debt my ex left so it wouldn't be fair to expect him to pay, this should be cleared in 1.5 years now or quicker if I can get more hours. I want to go back full time but due to childcare my children are 4 and 6 my mum struggle with my youngest child that I am pretty much solo doing all the school tuns, pickups and working. I've changed jobs from what I was doing the last 10 years when I had previous partner who helped with childcare as he was their dad. My new partner can't and I wouldn't expect him to have my children on the two days he has. So I've been forced to drop down, hopefully in next year or two now my youngest starts school we can get into a routine and perhaps I can get a babysitter and I can work slightly more not just duen school hours. His wage we would get UC. He takes home £2000 a month. So by the time he pays maintenance at £250, a loan from debt his ex had left at £200 it leaves him £1550 for bills without then subsiding for me. His mum is buying a house and he will be renting from her. The rent she is doing at 50% if it's just him but if I was to move in she said she will be charging full rental of £900 as it's a 4 bedroom. We just can't afford to live together yet. I earn £650 and £400 is clearly debt so I rely on UC which I know I should be ashamed about. The plan is to reassess in a year and continue what we are doing for now. He feels it works I suppose I just am use to having more time with a partner and need help adjusting.

I am not trying to be horrid or expect all the attention I just am struggling

How much time have you spent single? If your youngest is only 4 then they can't have been much of a break between relationships.

I think you need to focus on your life. When he has his children for 2 days, take one day for yourself. Do something solo or with a friend. Could you do that? How would it make you feel?

The reality is your relationship worked when you both didn't have work commitments. Now real life has kicked in, his hours do not suit building a relationship so you feel the need to muscle in on his children's time. If he won't flex his child free time then it's not sustainable.

You think moving in would solve it but it wouldn't. He would STILL get home at 10pm and STILL priortise his children but you would be financially worse off and dependant on him.

I think you have hit the 2 year mark when you realise if a relationship will work or not. I think this isn't a good longterm relationship but are you brave enough to be a single?

If you continue competing with his children (and that's what you are doing) he is going to have to walk away.

@Bananarama21 I had spoken with UC who has said that because it's not always my hour or his house it's between the two houses and we have both proven we pay our own rent and bills and are registered with driving licence etc at a seperate address that we are ok, I have had a conversation with them :)

How can you afford to pay 400 quid off debt, but afford to leave that doesn't make sense to me. I wouldn't have 400 quid spare to do that.

Live*

You've both got debts with your exes?

That sounds so tricky. I'd keep things seperate for now or the finances will get so messy.

And why can you only work 16 hours 'due to childcare'
I hear this a lot, is it just a massive coincidence that you can only work the minimum amount of hours required to claim uc?
Are your dc in school?

@Bananarama21
So I get
£650 work
£1500 UC
£140 CB
£100 maintenance £2390

My childcare is
£300
Rent £625
Debts £400
Council tax £80
Food £200
Petrol £100
Car £12
Electric and water £120
Insurance £69
Tv licence, tv and home insurance is £70
Phone £30

The debt is me paying off a IVA as I consolidated it. I don't want to go bankrupt

I think that's still crazy to have 400 disposal income to pay off a debt when you effectively earn 650. I think this is why it gets peoples back up with the benefit system because many who work don't have 400 spare like that.

@brittleheadgirl

My old job I had to work evenings and weekends, so I have found a job that was days for now as I had no childcare in the evenings and weekends, my employer had asked I looked for something else as I wasn't able to fulfil my contracts

I am now cleaning and I do it between 9.15-3 some weeks I can get nearer 23 hours it purely depends on the clients I get. But I always get W minimum 16, once my youngest is now starting school I can look into a babysitter or someone for evenings so I could try and work more in the evenings. Issue is yes UC oay back 85% but you have to pay that money upfront first

Why are you kissing and cuddling in a swimming pool? That's inappropriate and weird

@Bananarama21 if I didn't have UC then I would have to declare bankruptcy which would Impact me in trying to get back into my old job as I can't be declared bankrupt for my licence I would need.

I was told that they take all forms of benefit and child maintenance into account to work out your income for the IVA :( which sucks

I don't think anyone can really understand how it feels to be the partner of someone who isn't a non resident parent (nrp) unless they've been in that situation. To be the centre of their attention and then be pushed aside. It's hurtful and feels very rejecting. Your feelings are valid and not childish OP. Don't feel bad about feeling them.

Your dp needs to give his dc security and attention and it's a balancing act for him to have a dp too. He is the one who knew he had dc and how insecure they may or may not be before he got in a relationship with you. Expecting to go away for weekends, or a quick kiss when out and about isn't too much to ask for. I have a 8yr old dss that jumps in my space on the sofa whenever I'm next to dh, it's so annoying - not annoying that he's jealous, but that dh doesn't solve his need for security in their relationship and let's it impact on us instead. He's very good at twisting things round to say I am the jealous one (even though I make myself scarce for evenings when dss is here, encourage dh to take dss out by himself, encourage dh to put him to bed at a reasonable time and read stories to him instead of letting him stay up on his switch till 11pm).

Unfortunately these type of men believe that you need to put their dcs wants first and not doing so you are jealous. Never mind that they are responsible for creating feelings of jealousy and displacement because of their dad guilt and not parenting properly that creates insecurity in dc. If his dd was a happy secure child she wouldn't even be thinking about where he sits on a bus.. I know my dc wouldn't have at that age, they would have been trying to get up the top of the bus at the front! Never mind what me or whoever was with me was doing!

Jesus, you work 16hrs a week and earn over £600 more than I do working a 45hr work week...