Aibu

[Downandfrustrated]

I'm just wondering really how other women cope with step kids?

I am just really struggling atm. We have been together 2 years nearly however still living separate. I very much doubt we will move in anytime soon as I am clearing debt my ex had left and due to childcare my hours are now reduced to 16. I get UC and I can afford to live comfortably and be able to do stuff with my kids currently if we moved in I would lose all my UC. I earn £650 a month so I'll be losing £1500 a month. I understand that thus means he should pay however he has his children 2 nights a week and pays Csa. He doesn't have the disposable income to then cover what I lose from UC so living seperate he bernricial.
We tend to spend 5 out of 7 nights together between our houses. But now I feel selfish that on his two days he has his kids I just feel very pushed to the side, I understand he has them two days a week but today for example we all went to the beach and went on the bus (he hasn't got W car and er wouldn't all fit in mine) he came to sit with me on the bus and the daughter throws a fit that he has to sit next to her, so I got a bit stroppy and sat in my own. Tonight will now be my night I don't see him, so they will have him all night cuddles on sofa for their film like they do every night, I can't even hold his hand in the street she then fights for it, but she is also like it when I'm not around. Aibu to just feel that I am a inconvenience or unwanted when they are around? The parents have been split nearly 6 years. Personally I feel a lot is to do with him as they have their own everything and don't share it with anyone and he won't change meal times or anything if we have guests and we have the kids. I am just I dunno perhaps fed up that if we lived together I know once they were in bed we would have us time. I have suffered badly with depression and anxiety so I do feel perhaps this isn't helping they way I feel, but what can I say to him.

I am over 70, retired. I have no objection to someone receiving benefits to which I have contributed, and still contribute, indirectly through tax. Life is hard for some people at different times, it could have been me. I've been in debt in the past so I know what it's like. We help each other, surely. I was fortunate to have work which I enjoyed and could fit around child care, not everyone has that.

In a few years the op may be in a position to help others, who knows.

Haven't rtft so it might have moved on but ... it is beyond strange that he won't show any affection towards you in front of his kids but will in front of yours. That stood out to me as very odd indeed.

Am more shocked that you have 2930 pcm and 2200 comes fro the tax payer.
That is the equivalent income of a salary of £46000

£2,200 is not the equivalent of a 46k salary. I know this because I earn 47k and my take home pay is £2,600 after deductions.

@Miniroofbox

Exactly. Why should I and the rest of the uk taxpayers have to pay off anyone’s debt via my /our taxes?

For the same reason why my taxes pay for other people's children to go to school for other people to give birth ..

@Miniroofbox

Exactly. Why should I and the rest of the uk taxpayers have to pay off anyone’s debt via my /our taxes?

They are paying OP benefits which she is having to use to pay off her shitty ex's debt. The government should take it up with OP's ex if they have a problem with that.

And OP. I'd stay living separate and tone down the PDA around the kids.

I have stated a few times I wouldn't expect him to make up the difference I lost In UC, and that's one reason why financially we are better in two homes for now until debt etc is sorted: the givenremrnt expect him to make it up but I don't. He earns his money for him
And his children

@Downandfrustrated I think that's a wise move. And you're right his money is for him and his children and you don't need it as you're doing ok for yourself.

OP ignore the posters derailing your thread with the benefit bashing.
However, YABU about your partners DC. There are clearly jealousy issues both sides, but she’s a child and you’re an adult. Maybe therapy would help you here.

It’s also absolutely off to be kissing and cuddling in a swimming pool.

There used to be a notice on the pool when I was young that forbade it. It said. No petting.

mrsmaizel

WTF - why should the state be paying anyone's debt off?

I think that although the benefits seem generous some people on the thread are focusing on OP getting money. You should actually be cross with the ex partner for leaving OP in the lurch & not paying off his debt.

The swimming part of the thread reminds me of the sign at the side of the pool in the 80s - definitely no heavy petting allowed poolside 😳

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=no+heavy+petting+sign&client=safari&hl=en-gb&prmd=isnxv&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwi6h5DBtvyAhXDgVwKHQ7lCvMQQ_AUoAXoECAIQAQ&biw=375&bih=512#imgrc=nB0k5Bwlkw820M

I think it's sad that you're jealous of a child wanting to sit with Dad on the bus - you mention that the daughter should sit separately while you sit with DP. Surely the grown up sits separately?

You should allow the children time alone with their Dad - especially if you're not coping with the lack of snogging & hugging while the kids are with him.

It's not like I want a full on session I the pool but a quick kiss and a cuddle from behind whilst kids are playing wnd we are watching them isn't too much to ask,
And there was room for her to sit next to his other side on the bus us all

You’re not allowed to do that in public swimming pools. It is not appropriate.

@dreamcup

I've not read right through but You are being completely unreasonable and completely pathetic tbh.

You have 5 nights with him without his DC yet are jealous of them having one night alone with him watching a movie in case they're cuddling etc

Going in a strop as a 6 yr old who says her dad way less than most kids, wants to sit next to him on a bus??? He should be sitting next to her through his own choice ffs, not waiting till she kicks off to do it

You are getting way more attention and time with him than his dd's are. They're young so no wonder they're struggling with jealousy & emotions. You're the adult and are acting worse than them even though it's 2 nights a week he has them.

Actually one of the worst posts I've read on step parent page and I'm usually supportive but no wonder we get a bad name.

My heart breaks for the kids, after that I actually feel really sorry for your DP

Fuck's sake. The OP has told us she suffers from anxiety and depression and acknowledged this may be skewing her thinking. Was it really necessary to couch your post in such nasty terms?

I wish I could find it easier, I'm not trying to be malicious.
Yes I grt 5 nights but he doesn't finish until 10 so usually home by 10.30pm. We literally get a hour or so and then it's bed. I don't stay when he has the girls, unless it's a night he counts stick at work so I look after them. I leave him to his nights with them, it's just duen the day he completely pushes me away, even if they are off doing their own thing, I understand he doesn't want to go away and lose his time with then hence why I have in the past got up at 6am to drive home and be back in time but it's too much for him. I get he won't holiday for more than 5 days because he loses time with them but I just don't know how to deal with feeling rejected at times. We started a relationship in lockdown and then when each lockdown came we were each other's support bubble, we spent so much time together and we had a great time abs now adding work abd day to day life in i am really really struggling.

Most couples with young children and full time work have the same issues.

I agree it's not appropriate to have a kiss and a cuddle in the swimming pool. I think under 8s need a parent watching them anyway.

When do you spend time with your children? Are they going on these days out with you all?

He sounds like a nice attentive Dad which is a good quality. It's important the children know they have his full attention.

I have my kids every other weekend wnd they do come out with us on these weekends. Wnd then I have every evening with them throughout the week too x

Why don't you just do your own thing with your children those weekends? Give the children of your partner family time of their own?

Out kids all enjoy spending time with each other so that's why we go out durn day and then we stay in seperate houses that evening :)

If you feel pushed away I would pullback and not see him when he’s with his girls. (I can’t help wondering if he likes you there to help parent….)

Haven't rtft so it might have moved on but ... it is beyond strange that he won't show any affection towards you in front of his kids but will in front of yours. That stood out to me as very odd indeed.
He cares if his kids are embarrassed, the OP doesn't care if hers are .

@WIS76

I'm sorry but it's unlikely this relationship will work. You're silly to feel pushed out when he only has them 2 nights a week, you have 5 nights you could be together. You're turning this into a competition needlessly and you won't win. Sounds like he's rightly putting his kids first. The fact a grown woman would sulk because a child naturally wanted to sit with her dad shows you don't have the maturity to be in these kids lives. Sorry!

Spot on

Ah I have realised who you are now. I would advise you to end this relationship. You are not cut out for this.

If you're out with 4 kids they need to be watched so your focus needs to be on them. If you spend your time worrying about your partner hugging you then you're not getting involved enough with the day out. Relax and enjoy your time with the kids.