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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Aibu

205 replies

Downandfrustrated · 29/08/2021 17:39

I'm just wondering really how other women cope with step kids?

I am just really struggling atm. We have been together 2 years nearly however still living separate. I very much doubt we will move in anytime soon as I am clearing debt my ex had left and due to childcare my hours are now reduced to 16. I get UC and I can afford to live comfortably and be able to do stuff with my kids currently if we moved in I would lose all my UC. I earn £650 a month so I'll be losing £1500 a month. I understand that thus means he should pay however he has his children 2 nights a week and pays Csa. He doesn't have the disposable income to then cover what I lose from UC so living seperate he bernricial.
We tend to spend 5 out of 7 nights together between our houses. But now I feel selfish that on his two days he has his kids I just feel very pushed to the side, I understand he has them two days a week but today for example we all went to the beach and went on the bus (he hasn't got W car and er wouldn't all fit in mine) he came to sit with me on the bus and the daughter throws a fit that he has to sit next to her, so I got a bit stroppy and sat in my own. Tonight will now be my night I don't see him, so they will have him all night cuddles on sofa for their film like they do every night, I can't even hold his hand in the street she then fights for it, but she is also like it when I'm not around. Aibu to just feel that I am a inconvenience or unwanted when they are around? The parents have been split nearly 6 years. Personally I feel a lot is to do with him as they have their own everything and don't share it with anyone and he won't change meal times or anything if we have guests and we have the kids. I am just I dunno perhaps fed up that if we lived together I know once they were in bed we would have us time. I have suffered badly with depression and anxiety so I do feel perhaps this isn't helping they way I feel, but what can I say to him.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 29/08/2021 19:34

It sounds like it would be better for you to not see him when he has his children. It's not about coming first, but in therms of time you have more than they do.

Some people just don't like to be tactile with another partner that's not their parent when their children are around.

Talk to him, if that's the case for him and you feel it's a rejection you need to find a way past it by finding out why each of you feels the way you do.

Don't put yourself in competition with his children, you won't ever feel like you win.

Are you happy with him on the days he doesn't have them?

girlmom21 · 29/08/2021 19:37

You don't need to hug him and kiss him in the swimming pool. You don't need to remind his kids you're there - that's what it feels like you're doing.

As I said before, they're not your competition.

If he can only take his kids for 5 days you can spend half the holiday together then you can stay for longer with your kids.

You're being unreasonable expecting him to sacrifice his contact with them when he only sees them two days a week.

If you can't accept that they're the priority maybe this isn't a relationship for you.

aSofaNearYou · 29/08/2021 19:38

It does sound like you feel in competition with his daughter, but in fairness from the way he behaves around his kids I really don't think you should be expected to be around at the same time as them. He's not offering you anything during that time besides a cold shoulder. I would see him separately to his kids.

But I would also issue a word of caution that he sounds like the kind of father who is going to be an absolute nightmare to be with if you ever DO progress to blending families. Lots of red flags here in terms of his behaviour.

Original poster

Downandfrustrated · 29/08/2021 19:40

@lunar1 I am most of the time; I do struggle because he always finished so late and starts so early:

I understand it's his job in hospitality as my shifts were the same when I worked in hospitality but I always found a balance he starts 8am-10pm Tuesday- Saturday. He rarely gets a Friday where he finished at 5 but my youngest sons dad doesn't always have him the Friday aswell as the Saturday, I just feel like his only days off are his two with the girls and I don't get W look in when he's at his best as he hasn't worked all day does the make sense? We knew each other for years abs when my partner left we started talking in lockdown and got together whilst we were furloughed so wr spent so much time together and it was amazing and now er barely get time for anything. My previous partners who have worked in hospitality we did always get time

OP posts:

Original poster

Downandfrustrated · 29/08/2021 19:43

@girlmom21 worded badly. He can't take them away at all. His ex won't allow it until she can afford to take the abroad first, abs then if we do something in this country she won't allow more then 2 nights, so he is saying he could look at us going abroad me him abs my two kids for the 5 nights but as anyone knows with kids it's stressful getting somewhere so 5 nights I feel isn't enough. Unfortunately I sound spoilt but my Nan every year has always bought my children a holiday abroad as she never had it when she ewe younger. So they live their holidays abroad and that's why we do every year except Covid ha x

OP posts:

KylieKoKo · 29/08/2021 19:44

@Downandfrustrated I think you need to have a serious think about whether or not this relationship is meeting your needs. I don't think I'd be happy if dp spent every second he wasn't working ignoring me because his daughters were around.

aSofaNearYou · 29/08/2021 19:47

[quote KylieKoKo]@Downandfrustrated I think you need to have a serious think about whether or not this relationship is meeting your needs. I don't think I'd be happy if dp spent every second he wasn't working ignoring me because his daughters were around.[/quote]
I agree with this.

MrsRobbieHart · 29/08/2021 19:47

OP you sound incredibly insecure and clingy! (Sorry) I think you should sort some counselling for yourself to give yourself some peace of mind, let yourself relax in a relationship and also because being so insecure makes you incredibly vulnerable to being abused and taken advantage of in a relationship.

Original poster

Downandfrustrated · 29/08/2021 19:55

@MrsRobbieHart you are probably right, I've been in two relationships where the other person has left me so perhaps speaking it through may help; I always blame myself when in reality after speaking with my last partner who left ex wife he did the same scenario to her and mum but that hadn't eased how I feel if that's make sense. I just feel saying all these feelings to someone face to face they will think I'm a idiot

OP posts:

MrsRobbieHart · 29/08/2021 20:01

Counsellors are very well trained and used to exploring all sorts of feelings with their clients. You’ve absolutely nothing to feel like an idiot about. Insecurity is very common. Get yourself some good support.

excelledyourself · 29/08/2021 20:09

we started talking in lockdown and got together whilst we were furloughed

So not even 18 months?

Just let him and his kids have their time together.

toobusytothink · 29/08/2021 20:11

So the holiday thing - you are lucky you can go away at all with him! But anyway … how about you book somewhere for 10 days and he joins you for 5 of them?

Getawaywithit · 29/08/2021 20:36

Do read up on rules around cohabitation and benefits. You are walking a very fine line and it’s you who could end up with problems. 5 out of 7 nights is an awful lot.

Original poster

Downandfrustrated · 29/08/2021 20:42

@Getawaywithit it's not all at my house though it's between the two. He's responsible for his bills and me for mine we pay seperate rent etc x

OP posts:

Just10moreminutesplease · 29/08/2021 20:44

You see him 5 nights a week, his children only see him for two.

You’re being selfish and needy. Try and be the adult here and maybe have a bit of understanding for a child who is probably feeling quite insecure.

Onlinedilema · 29/08/2021 20:52

This just sounds like too much hard work.

Getawaywithit · 29/08/2021 21:03

I would still read up on it - the fact you pay your own bills etc is only part of it.

Bonheurdupasse · 29/08/2021 22:17

sowhatsnext · 30/08/2021 00:49

I’m confused - I’m not hearing much about YOUR kids OP - if you’re sitting around worrying that he’s with his for 2 nights a week why aren’t you making the most of your time with your own children?

Also 18 months isn’t long for you to be spending 5/7 nights a week with someone - assuming your kids are there too? Maybe you should focus on them a bit more?

And as others have pointed out 5/7 is likely to be a fine line as to whether you’re bending the “rules” around your benefits.

All in all I’d recommend you take a step back and think about whether this is a healthy situation for you and your kids and be happy he sounds like a decent dad

converseandjeans · 30/08/2021 01:03

You sound really needy. You don't need to kiss & cuddle when the children are around & I'm pretty sure it's not allowed in the swimming pool 🙄

Just allow his daughter to sit next to him on the bus, watch a movie etc - it's her Dad who she hardly sees.

Your tax credits are pretty much my monthly salary! I agree tread carefully as you're practically co habiting.

I don't think it's the right relationship for you long term.

Lorw · 30/08/2021 09:20

Tbf OP you’re not going to get the all lovely dating thing with his children around because they come first every time, and he will put their feelings above your own like a good parent would, it may be hard for his daughters seeing him give you affection because to them that should be their mum so he avoids it, it won’t change well not until they are way older, or you just see him when he doesn’t have his kids

dreamcup · 30/08/2021 09:22

I've not read right through but You are being completely unreasonable and completely pathetic tbh.

You have 5 nights with him without his DC yet are jealous of them having one night alone with him watching a movie in case they're cuddling etc

Going in a strop as a 6 yr old who says her dad way less than most kids, wants to sit next to him on a bus??? He should be sitting next to her through his own choice ffs, not waiting till she kicks off to do it

You are getting way more attention and time with him than his dd's are. They're young so no wonder they're struggling with jealousy & emotions. You're the adult and are acting worse than them even though it's 2 nights a week he has them.

Actually one of the worst posts I've read on step parent page and I'm usually supportive but no wonder we get a bad name.

My heart breaks for the kids, after that I actually feel really sorry for your DP

Name12341 · 30/08/2021 09:38

You need to stop expecting this dating experience to be like the dating experience of 2 childless adults.
Hugging and kissing in the pool is going to be cringey for most children to see, if they've been seperated 6 years I'm assuming one of them is close to 8 at the minimum.
Your boyfriend's attention should be on his children during the 2 days a week that he's with them, he can prioritise dating you the other 5 days a week.
It would show very poor character if he was choosing to focus on you instead when he only has 8 days a month to parent them, imagine how that would impact their relationship as they got older too if they could remember dad ignoring them more whenever he had girlfriends.

Original poster

Downandfrustrated · 30/08/2021 09:41

@dreamcup
I am not there in the evenings when he has kids, it's durn the day when we are out wnd things: like we went swimming and they were doing their own thing and I went to give him a kiss and cuddle and he pulled away as he 'ha the girls' or the same simply trying to hold his hand. There was space she could have sat the other side on the bus. He works the days he doesn't have the kids starting 8am-10pm so we don't get much time together, we can't do weekends away as it means we cut his day short a couple hours on the first morning or we leave at 6am which he doesn't want to do. Surely the kids need to see that he does care about us all and that I won't be going anywhere and once we can afford to blend and move in we would.

OP posts:

MrsRobbieHart · 30/08/2021 09:42

OP where are your own children when you are spending 5 nights a week with your boyfriend?

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