Aibu

[Downandfrustrated]

I'm just wondering really how other women cope with step kids?

I am just really struggling atm. We have been together 2 years nearly however still living separate. I very much doubt we will move in anytime soon as I am clearing debt my ex had left and due to childcare my hours are now reduced to 16. I get UC and I can afford to live comfortably and be able to do stuff with my kids currently if we moved in I would lose all my UC. I earn £650 a month so I'll be losing £1500 a month. I understand that thus means he should pay however he has his children 2 nights a week and pays Csa. He doesn't have the disposable income to then cover what I lose from UC so living seperate he bernricial.
We tend to spend 5 out of 7 nights together between our houses. But now I feel selfish that on his two days he has his kids I just feel very pushed to the side, I understand he has them two days a week but today for example we all went to the beach and went on the bus (he hasn't got W car and er wouldn't all fit in mine) he came to sit with me on the bus and the daughter throws a fit that he has to sit next to her, so I got a bit stroppy and sat in my own. Tonight will now be my night I don't see him, so they will have him all night cuddles on sofa for their film like they do every night, I can't even hold his hand in the street she then fights for it, but she is also like it when I'm not around. Aibu to just feel that I am a inconvenience or unwanted when they are around? The parents have been split nearly 6 years. Personally I feel a lot is to do with him as they have their own everything and don't share it with anyone and he won't change meal times or anything if we have guests and we have the kids. I am just I dunno perhaps fed up that if we lived together I know once they were in bed we would have us time. I have suffered badly with depression and anxiety so I do feel perhaps this isn't helping they way I feel, but what can I say to him.

But OP - there is NO incentive for you to go out and work more when you receive more than the minimum wage in benefits. If he moves in you expect him to pay you maintenance aswell on what he contributes for his DCs.

If the tax payer does not pay then your partner does - am just flabbergasted.

You receive more than a full time nurse - many of whom have DCs and make it work.

@bogoffmda please stop with the benefit bashing. Who do you think you are helping other than getting your own rage off your chest?

not benefit bashing am truly shocked at how much some people get.
It does not sit well with me that benefits give people more than the average wage in this country, where people work their butts off for less.

Then we hear how hard living off benefits is, but at this amount it absolutely is not- and I do get that some people get significantly less. OP is close to the £50K limit for higher earners stopping getting child benefit - that is a crazy situation.

I am entitled to express my surprise - as personally had always thought it was a lot less and had sympathy with people on benefits. Sorry on OPs income pcm I have no sympathy - recognising that many get less.

@Bookaholic73

I would just not see him on the days that he has them. Either that, or end things. It won’t get any better.

Yes.

@bogoffmda

not benefit bashing am truly shocked at how much some people get. It does not sit well with me that benefits give people more than the average wage in this country, where people work their butts off for less.

Then we hear how hard living off benefits is, but at this amount it absolutely is not- and I do get that some people get significantly less. OP is close to the £50K limit for higher earners stopping getting child benefit - that is a crazy situation.

I am entitled to express my surprise - as personally had always thought it was a lot less and had sympathy with people on benefits. Sorry on OPs income pcm I have no sympathy - recognising that many get less.

not benefit bashing

😂 That’s a total benefit bashing post!

@bogoffmda

not benefit bashing am truly shocked at how much some people get. It does not sit well with me that benefits give people more than the average wage in this country, where people work their butts off for less.

Then we hear how hard living off benefits is, but at this amount it absolutely is not- and I do get that some people get significantly less. OP is close to the £50K limit for higher earners stopping getting child benefit - that is a crazy situation.

I am entitled to express my surprise - as personally had always thought it was a lot less and had sympathy with people on benefits. Sorry on OPs income pcm I have no sympathy - recognising that many get less.

The op isn't asking for sympathy about her income. She's asking for relationship advice.

You seem blinded by jealousy.

I had to read and reread and read some more the amount of UC mentioned in this post . Christ Almighty ! You are right - you can "afford " to live comfortably !

@bogoffmda for some oriole there is no incentive your right, but for me I have always worked full time abs I hate working part time: I have exhausted every option to be able to work more but with have to paying out front for childcare first before I can claim it back it makes it difficult.

My income was the better working full time and UC I would get £1400 after tax and then £950 UC plus £140 CB and £100 maintenance. It's not my fault they entitlement they award people. But I also don't spend stupidly whereas I know lots of other people on benefits who struggle but that's because they smoke, go out more for meals, are home all the time some electric and gas bills are high, whereas if I am home we don't always have TVs on or using electric. We don't have the heating on unless it's freezing and I buy basic brand food.
UC is also making it harder abs does sanction people for not looking for work when their youngest reaches a certain age. I have to work and earn at least £617 I believe. If it drops below than can sanction your benefits. They do also cap the maximum amount you can get and if people have more than 2 children they don't pay for them in the child alowance it's a maximum of 2 children now since 2017. So for lots of people struggling it's probably because they are not getting allowance for the 3rd 4th or 5th chuld: whereas I have 2. It's purely on peoples circumstances so I feel it's unfair to say that they all live comfortably as some don't.

I also do not expect my partner to pay maintenance to me if I moved in. I clearly said in my post UC would expect him to cover what I lost from them as we are a joint household. Whereas he couldn't afford to abs I wouldn't expect him to either.

If it was like it was before with tax credits that they paid you the same for childcare every month so you already had it before having to pay nursery it would be so much easier for parents I want to work more and not have to rely on UC as like this month it'll reduce by £80 as the Covid extra is going. It's relying on someone to not change it and it's a constant fear until they send your statement of getting paid

@Just10moreminutesplease

You see him 5 nights a week, his children only see him for two.

You’re being selfish and needy. Try and be the adult here and maybe have a bit of understanding for a child who is probably feeling quite insecure.

This! 🙌🏻

You spend more time with him than his own children, and you feel pushed aside???

This isn't healthy at all.

People benefit bashing here are forgetting that the op said at the start that she was clearing debt accrued by her ex. That's a dreadful situation to be in and I am glad she is being helped by the state.

However this thread is more about the relationship than money. I hope the op realises she is unreasonable to mind not seeing her boyfriend for two days/nights a week. Obviously his children must take priority during the time he has them.

@Plumtree391 I am happy not staying etc when he has his children, I think I hurt get frustrated when he wants me to spend the day with them as it's his day off, but then constantly brushes me off. It's only a quick kiss and a hug or just sitting next to me and we can chat on the bus with his daughter the other side as they was space. It's just hard when the nights I see him be finished at 10pm :(

@bogoffmda

not benefit bashing am truly shocked at how much some people get. It does not sit well with me that benefits give people more than the average wage in this country, where people work their butts off for less.

Then we hear how hard living off benefits is, but at this amount it absolutely is not- and I do get that some people get significantly less. OP is close to the £50K limit for higher earners stopping getting child benefit - that is a crazy situation.

I am entitled to express my surprise - as personally had always thought it was a lot less and had sympathy with people on benefits. Sorry on OPs income pcm I have no sympathy - recognising that many get less.

People are only getting less if they don't have children to support so don't qualify for UC, it works on a staggered amount so the more you earn the better off you are until you no longer qualify and are still better off than someone on UC. It's about household income not individual wages, so you will either have a higher household income due to having 2 wages, or qualify for UC that you haven't claimed if you're a single parent, or not have children therefore far less expenses so don't qualify. How much less money do you think the government should be supporting children with?

Absolutely no jealousy but sadness for those nurses, shop workers, cleaners, doctors, office worker, phone call centre workers etc who work FT and less than someone on benefits.

I totally get that OP gets what she is entitled to - no issue with that. Just the amount.

MrsMaizel understands my POV. I am just shocked at the amounts -who wouldn't want to work 16hrs per week and get paid £2930!

And OP - "I clearly said in my post UC would expect him to cover what I lost from them as we are a joint household. Whereas he couldn't afford to abs I wouldn't expect him to either."
Clearly states that you expect him to cover your lost UC.

MrsMaizel understands my POV. I am just shocked at the amounts -who wouldn't want to work 16hrs per week and get paid £2930!

Except OP doesn’t get that. In your rage you’ve mixed up your figures. Try calming down and re- reading it.

@bogoffmda

Absolutely no jealousy but sadness for those nurses, shop workers, cleaners, doctors, office worker, phone call centre workers etc who work FT and less than someone on benefits.

I totally get that OP gets what she is entitled to - no issue with that. Just the amount.

MrsMaizel understands my POV. I am just shocked at the amounts -who wouldn't want to work 16hrs per week and get paid £2930!

And OP - "I clearly said in my post UC would expect him to cover what I lost from them as we are a joint household. Whereas he couldn't afford to abs I wouldn't expect him to either."
Clearly states that you expect him to cover your lost UC.

He couldn't afford to and I wouldn't expect him to is what I wrote and means that even if he could afford to I wouldn't expect him too xx

Just let him see his children without you most of the time and you do something else. You are not joined at the hip, it's healthy to have a break from each other.

Well if you don’t e joy days out etc with him and his kids then don’t go. I’ve had to make that decision re my bf if 3 years. He’d love me there when he takes them to the farm etc but that’s not my idea of a good day out (and he’s there for his kids not me on those particular times) so I just say no thanks. We get plenty of “us” time for doing adult things when they aren’t there

I wouldn't plan on living together at all under the circumstances; you and your own DCs have too much to lose financially and safety-net wise. Plus, when his daughters are around, you openly come last with him.

Don't see him every day. Prioritize your own children and finances because that's in your best interest both short and long term. The only one who benefits if you move in is your boyfriend; you will be worse off, and he not only won't make up for it financially, he'll push you away emotionally when his daughters are around... in your own home. Don't do it.

MrsRobbieHart - absolutely no anger, more astounded - you need to calm down.

I feel sorry for the bloke in this case- doing the best for his DCs and OP unhappy for his lack of attention 2 days per week and if he has enough monies - she wants him to cover her lost UC.

If I were him I would be running as fast as I can in the other direction.

You really have got it bad, op.

you need to calm down

From what?

downandfrustrated

bogoffmda I get £2390 a month.

£1640 is from tax payer as you put it as £1500 UC £140 CB. I have contributed and paid tax for the last 11 years and unfortunately need it atm

Not the point of the thread but your UC is more than my teaching salary.

I don't think it's a good idea to move your partner in. You can't expect him to make up the difference.

People are bashing OP but many men on good salaries get to leave and hand over financial responsibility to the state. The father only contributing £100/month is pathetic.

It's depressing to think of all the hours people have to work to earn £1640. It does seem generous.

@Plumtree391

People benefit bashing here are forgetting that the op said at the start that she was clearing debt accrued by her ex. That's a dreadful situation to be in and I am glad she is being helped by the state.

However this thread is more about the relationship than money. I hope the op realises she is unreasonable to mind not seeing her boyfriend for two days/nights a week. Obviously his children must take priority during the time he has them.

People benefit bashing here are forgetting that the op said at the start that she was clearing debt accrued by her ex. That's a dreadful situation to be in and I am glad she is being helped by the state

WTF - why should the state be paying anyone's debt off ?