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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Aibu

205 replies

Downandfrustrated · 29/08/2021 17:39

I'm just wondering really how other women cope with step kids?

I am just really struggling atm. We have been together 2 years nearly however still living separate. I very much doubt we will move in anytime soon as I am clearing debt my ex had left and due to childcare my hours are now reduced to 16. I get UC and I can afford to live comfortably and be able to do stuff with my kids currently if we moved in I would lose all my UC. I earn £650 a month so I'll be losing £1500 a month. I understand that thus means he should pay however he has his children 2 nights a week and pays Csa. He doesn't have the disposable income to then cover what I lose from UC so living seperate he bernricial.
We tend to spend 5 out of 7 nights together between our houses. But now I feel selfish that on his two days he has his kids I just feel very pushed to the side, I understand he has them two days a week but today for example we all went to the beach and went on the bus (he hasn't got W car and er wouldn't all fit in mine) he came to sit with me on the bus and the daughter throws a fit that he has to sit next to her, so I got a bit stroppy and sat in my own. Tonight will now be my night I don't see him, so they will have him all night cuddles on sofa for their film like they do every night, I can't even hold his hand in the street she then fights for it, but she is also like it when I'm not around. Aibu to just feel that I am a inconvenience or unwanted when they are around? The parents have been split nearly 6 years. Personally I feel a lot is to do with him as they have their own everything and don't share it with anyone and he won't change meal times or anything if we have guests and we have the kids. I am just I dunno perhaps fed up that if we lived together I know once they were in bed we would have us time. I have suffered badly with depression and anxiety so I do feel perhaps this isn't helping they way I feel, but what can I say to him.

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 29/08/2021 17:45

I feel like there a very unhealthy dynamic here. It's like you feel like there's a finite amount of love from your dp that you his daughter are competing for.

WIS76 · 29/08/2021 17:46

I'm sorry but it's unlikely this relationship will work. You're silly to feel pushed out when he only has them 2 nights a week, you have 5 nights you could be together. You're turning this into a competition needlessly and you won't win. Sounds like he's rightly putting his kids first. The fact a grown woman would sulk because a child naturally wanted to sit with her dad shows you don't have the maturity to be in these kids lives. Sorry!

lyntheyresexpeople · 29/08/2021 17:49

He only has them two nights a week and quite bloody rightfully they come first - you are being incredibly childish trying to compete for his attention.

Bookaholic73 · 29/08/2021 18:18

I would just not see him on the days that he has them.
Either that, or end things. It won’t get any better.

BaconAvocado · 29/08/2021 18:25

You have 5 nights together a week. Can you do these when he doesn't have the kids. If you're spending that much time together you're practically living together but with the added bonus that you get to keep your UC AND have 2 days without him to focus on your child (not sure how many you have but you mention childcare).

toobusytothink · 29/08/2021 18:34

I’ve been with my other half for nearly 3 years and we only see each other when he doesn’t have his kids. For first year it meant we only saw each other once a week and every other weekend, then 2nd year 7 nights a fortnight and at the moment it’s 9 nights a fortnight. After a disastrous holiday together with his kids we know that is the best thing (recent long thread about it). I certainly wouldn’t dream of insisting he see me when he has his kids though if I didn’t enjoy it. He doesn’t have a choice - he has to and should see his kids. But you do. So I suggest not seeing him when he has them and let them get on with it. Sounds like you want to see him every night but don’t want to lose your benefits and don’t want to share him with his kids. If I were you, be happy with the 5 nights a week. Better to have that and be happy rather than 7 and unhappy

toobusytothink · 29/08/2021 18:36

And please don’t be jealous of his kids getting cuddles with him but you don’t. Try and be happy that although you are apart, he is being a fab dad and his kids get to see him. I love the thought of my bf sitting on the sofa with his 2. And I don’t wish I was there

MrsRobbieHart · 29/08/2021 18:37

You see him 5 nights out of 7!

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2021 18:38

You're jealous of a child wanting her father's affection and attention. FGS. I'm sorry, but that is so unhealthy and just horrible. If this is really how you feel you need to end this relationship.

Macaroni46 · 29/08/2021 18:41

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BaconAvocado · 29/08/2021 18:43

Why are you clearing your ex's debt?

Original poster
Downandfrustrated · 29/08/2021 18:46

@Macaroni46 I do have two kids my rent is £625 wnd 280 of it is my childcare :) unfortunately with the debts I am clearing that my ex left my wages and cb would not cover all my bills plus contributing towards his house; thus sj the best situation atm:

I think I have probably worded it wrong, I am so pleased he's a good dad and sees abs pays for them I just didn't know whether anyone else who's suffered with depression wnd anxiety has a good way of dealing with it. I know I shouldn't feel pushed aside etc and it's the reason I don't stay in the evenings he has the kids so that he can then have quality time with them and they cuddle up and watch their film etc and it's their time. Just durn the day I struggle with it he could just divide it, we are in public wnd he just pushes me away it hurts I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Downandfrustrated · 29/08/2021 18:46

@BaconAvocado because he took them out in my name and we are still trying to proof it x

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 29/08/2021 18:54

To be fair to the op I don't think it's healthy that her partner pushes her away. I think he should be demonstrating to his children that his affection for the op doesn't take away from his love for them rather than reinforcing the idea that it's a competition.

BaconAvocado · 29/08/2021 18:55

@KylieKoKo

To be fair to the op I don't think it's healthy that her partner pushes her away. I think he should be demonstrating to his children that his affection for the op doesn't take away from his love for them rather than reinforcing the idea that it's a competition.
I agree, he should be showing he has room to love everyone
BaconAvocado · 29/08/2021 18:56

[quote Downandfrustrated]@BaconAvocado because he took them out in my name and we are still trying to proof it x[/quote]
Oh what a nightmare for you! Hopefully you'll get that sorted.

When you're not with him are you keeping yourself busy and getting on with your life? With your kids or doing something for yourself? That helps me when I'm feeling a bit lonely. You could try cooking something?

dopeyduck · 29/08/2021 19:00

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pinkyredrose · 29/08/2021 19:00

Why are you thinking about moving in? Just see him when the kids aren't around..

silverspider · 29/08/2021 19:00

Do you mean he is literally pushing you away or he is just choosing to hold his daughters hand / sit next to her rather than you when you're all together?

KylieKoKo · 29/08/2021 19:00

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BaconAvocado · 29/08/2021 19:03

It was quite hard in the early days, definitely a "them and me" vibe but I joined in things and they got to know me and it became more an "us" with a side of "them and me" as it's very important that they have some time alone with their dad I feel. You might be in the background of days out etc but thats an important place to be, they'll get used to you being there and not being a threat to their relationship with their dad.

toobusytothink · 29/08/2021 19:04

Op I miss my bf like crazy when we’re not together. I don’t suffer from anxiety so I’m afraid I can’t offer you advise on that but I think it’s ok to miss him. I do agree though that he should show you affection when he’s with his kids and you are there. My bf loves to hold my hand and give me the occasional kiss in front of his kids if only to show them that that is what a healthy relationship looks like. He’s probably just trying to protect his kids. Have you told him how you feel? Maybe word it in a way that his kids would benefit from seeing how happy you make him and what a loving relationship looks like. My 2 pretend to find it sickly sweet when they walk in on us snuggled up on the sofa (they are older) but to my face they tell me how great it is that he looks after me so well and how happy we obviously are

girlmom21 · 29/08/2021 19:05

You're seeing his children as competition. They're not competition. They come first, as they should, and your children will come first to you.

I don't understand why you're throwing a strop because his child wanted to sit by him.

They see him 2 days a week. Of course they want to be close with him.

This is an unhealthy attitude to have towards your relationship and your boyfriends children.

Youseethethingis · 29/08/2021 19:12

You've got this all inside out and back to front, OP. Really, you have.

Original poster
Downandfrustrated · 29/08/2021 19:33

It's a case if we went swimming last week, they were doing their own thing so I simply went to give him a hug and kiss in the pool and his response was 'I have the girls'.. but he will do it in front of mine.

Doesn't do holding hands or a hug because he has the girls, even if doing their own thing; plus on the bus today their was room she could have Dtill sat next to him;

I suppose I don't do much when he isn't around so trying to keep busy would be worth W try; he finished work all the other days at 10pm wnd starts 8am so I suppose we get barely any time really, that's why I struggle, his days off are when he had the girls. I want to do a weekend away but he won't because it would mean one less morning with them but I can't go duen thr week because if childcare. So it's really difficult: we did do a weekend away and I drove back at 6am so he could still have them for 9 but he just isn't prepared to do it again; I know holidays abroad won't happen I am away next year and he won't as he can't take the girls (debate between him a r wife so he did try) but I want to go for 10fays not the 5 he said he can do,

OP posts: